Tag Archives: fun

Finding Ways to the Center

I am feeling better today.  I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more.  There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.

HMS_Hood_(51)_-_March_17,_1924Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad.  And I am doing better this morning too.  Things will be fine.

There are times when I just can not keep up the fight.  The last few days have been one of those times.  It happens.  Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard.  Or… it means I have completely collapsed.  This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.

Does that make sense?

There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes.  My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru.  BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times.  I can recover and be just fine.  There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off.  It does help.

It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good.  It’s all part of the process.  Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going.  I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!

Oh the picture?  That is the HMS Hood.  It has nothing to do with the post.

Tacos and Margaritas

I don’t know about you, but that sounds good to me.  Especially going out with a friends to share them.  It would be fun!

Alas… it is not something I can do.  I would love to do things like that.  How great would it be do be able to go out on a nice weekend day and have fun with fun people?  Not going to happen.

I am stuck here.  And pressures seem to be pushing more in that direction.  I have less energy, and I just can not push myself as much as I used to.  I can not go out.

But DO NOT confuse that with a desire to not go out!!!

Make no mistake… I am here because my life dictates that the cost of going out is just too high.  Usually too high to even start.

Happy Anxiety

Yes… it is possible to be happy and have a lot of anxiety.  That’s how I spent much of the last 3 days.  We were in Ashland, OR seeing a whole bunch of plays!  And we had a great time.  But I had a lot of anxiety almost the whole time.

It was tiring.  Though it should have helped me build energy, I feel depleted.  I am an introvert, so when I interact with people – even when it is fun – it drains off energy.  I have never been able to go to a party, and get energized.

I know all this… but I did not always.  When I was young, I was surprised at how I felt after a party or such.  To the point where I basically stopped going to them.  In college I had gradually become more social, only to completely crash out of it.  A lot of people wondered what was going on… some people thought I considered myself to be better than everyone else.

Actually, I thought everyone was better than me!  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And that may be the main reason I have not made any new friends to socialize with since about 1977 (not counting Lori).  I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years without making any new friends.  This was mostly because I was virtually always too burned out to socialize.  Just teaching took it all out of me.

So I am tired, and feeling very drained after our fun trip to Ashland.  It was great… but I need some major recovery time.