Tag Archives: friend

Back Almost Where I was 9 years Ago

Well… I have the meds now, and I know what things will help me deal with anxiety – though I am not allowed to use them unless I am and will be home alone.  But the main problem is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to.  No friends or family that actually understands.

At home I am treated as if all I have to do is try a little harder.  If I do try to help myself, I will invariable fail.  Things that work, are not allowed because they offend.

I do not want to offend… I just want out of this Hell I live in.  Others can not imagine how hard I work every minute of every day.  I need breaks from it.  I need an escape.

I can not imaging starting over with a new psychologist.  I do not have the strength to do it.  Of course, that means I am not trying hard enough.  Magic is the only answer I see here.  Where is Herminie when you need her?

I am like a cat… I always land on my feet.  I will find a way thru this as well.  I just don’t know where it will come from.  Basically, I feel like I am stuck until some new medicine comes along.  It has happened.

My life has always… ALWAYS been about looking forward to some future when things would be better.  There is nothing in my life worth where I am… but there may be some bright day down the road.  So I will keep trying, and…… we’ll see.

Comment Received :: I am told by family and ex- friends to push myself more, do they not think i would if i could without later consequences. I know how i feel but they have no clue how much it takes to stick together every day (typos corrected)

I think all of us experience this.

Pushing People Away – an Example

Today I messed up plans I had been working on for weeks – months actually.  It was to meet someone I have been wanting to meet for years.  How much of that should I say?

It was all set for next week.  And then cats going to the Vet, and Mother’s Day came in, and I blew my plans apart so completely, that I ended up having to unfriend this person on Facebook.  (Yes I am back on Facebook)

I can not go out very often.  When things get too complicated, my brain stops relating to it, and it all has to go away – Start Again.

I am sure this is one of the major reasons I do not have any close friends.  When it comes to going out to do things, it is all rather problematic.  It is actually easier to have people over… but we live a little out of the way.

ANYWAY… my point is that when plans get upset, they generally fall apart entirely, and may then never happen.  That amounts to pushing people away.  My brain must eliminate the cause of the distress… It ends up being bad for me, and I have hurt someone.

My brain is my own worst enemy.

I Do Not Even Know What I Need or Want from Life Anymore…

The last month has hit me to my core… I have lost all sense of what I want, and need from life.  I have not given up, but I currently have no direction.

I thought I had it pretty well figured out.  I thought I knew what I was needing, to get the happiness I want.  And I might still have been correct.  But I have lost all confidence in that model – so to speak.

I have been putting out a lot of energy over the years at trying to develop more, and more reliable, friendships.  It has been a disaster at every turn!  Every time I start to feel better, it blows up in my face.  And I end up worse off.  Other than family, I have not made a new close lasting friendship since 1975.  Hi Tim!  Yup… that is 38 years.  He lives in Seattle.

In the past, I have questioned my methods, my sincerity, and my choices.  But only now have I lost faith in “friends” even being an appropriate goal.  It may be unachievable… it may be unnecessary… it could be that it is just not going to happen for me.  I do not know.

Okay… fine.  What other goals have I had?  The next big one for me has been to get my shop, and hobby areas all finished, and immerse myself in designing, and building things.  The idea is to do the things I enjoy, and forget about everything outside this home.  Well… not “forget” exactly, but diminish.  To make the outside world superfluous.

It seems a much more achievable goal.  But in many months of actual effort, and great amounts of time too depressed to deal with it, I have got virtually nowhere.  To the point where even that goal seems unimportant, or simply too far away, right now.

I am at a point of having to rethink the purpose of my life.  I have to figure out not only what is important to me, but what is actually obtainable.  It would be a great reward to fly to the moon on gossamer wings, but that is not going to happen either.

I do not know where this is going… I will keep you all informed.

Another Blow…

I have been hit by another blow this morning… and it is another one surrounding Facebook.  I made a couple of friend requests to people I know from (group name deleted).  We had a lot of friends in common, so I thought they might accept.

It would appear I was incorrect about that.  Someone complained, and now I have been BLOCKED from sending any friend requests.

I thought Facebook was a place to make, and communicate with friends.  But some people are offended by my friend requests.  They could have just said “no”… or ignored the request.  But not so much…

So what is the point?  How do I reach out to anyone???

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???

Great Session! Then, Kaboom!!

I went to session yesterday morning, and it was really great!  We came up with 2 things for me to plan, to work on over the next 3 weeks.  I went on to see my psychiatrist, and ran into my first problem – she was double booked, and I could not see her.

I went off home, and did not stop for the errands I had felt so good about doing, just an hour before.  I was wiped out, and my anxiety was high.  I felt depression coming on, but I knew it would pass, and I would be okay.

Then the roof fell in.  Not literally, but that would actually have been better.  I can not say what happened, but it blew me away.  I am off Facebook again… this time I think it will be a long time before I go back.

I am physically ill about it.  My hands are still shaking.  I have not eaten, and have no energy for it.  My world just got a lot smaller.

It is so hard to try to be social when you are an agoraphobe… Social Media was a God-send.  Was…  Now I feel more alone than I ever have been.  And I do not know what to do…  I can not trust anyone anymore.

This will have a great negative affect on my Blogs as well.  The great majority of visitors were FB “friends”.  So this too may fade away now.

I don’t know.

I Saw it Coming

I knew when I stood up for a friend, things would get messy.  I have lost several friends on Facebook – most of them were totally predictable.  Cliques have that affect.

My Blog on Cliques   (you may have to scroll down)

I have been called all sorts of names before being unfriended… I expected that too.  It is part of the pattern.  In a clique, if one person “feels” insulted, it radiates to everyone, and they all act in unison.  Their leader is very powerful.  The others will act to protect that person.

Every aspect of my live has been called into question… my teaching, coaching, mentoring… it turns out I was not so good at any of it.  And I have been accused of trashing, bashing, and otherwise attacking a “great” person (as I have pointed out many times over the last couple of years, this person has done some fantastic work with charities).  Though no-one seems to able to point out what I said that was so terrible.

BUT!  I have received even more thanks.  And from unexpected people too!!  Both people who knew about the situation, and some who didn’t, have tried to be supportive of myself, and the original victim.  So I feel good about that.

I struggled with this last evening, but after a nap, I was fine again.  Of course the countdown of my FB Friends may continue… but that is part and parcel of the process of standing up against cliques.  It’s all good.

People in cliques always deny it.  They always say it’s not a clique…  The key is to look at how that group dynamic works.  Especially important is how people enter, and leave the group.  There is more on my other Blog (link above), and I think I have more to say about them as well.

Happy unfriending all!

What are “Friends”?

A situation has come up in my life today that has got me angry.  A few months ago I was unfriended on Facebook by someone I had spent time trying to help in a time of deep crisis.  But I made the mistake of giving some advice about a year after that… unfriended.

That’s okay.  But today I found out that same person threw away her “best” friend, and someone I like and admire, for an even smaller misstep.  And then she had all her friends unfriend this person as well.  Nice…

So I posted that anyone who unfriended MY friend because of this, should unfriend me as well.  2 people have unfriended me so far.  One of them said I am a “horrible human being”, and “Thank God” I am no longer a teacher.  Nice.  I have NEVER bashed the person who started all this on Facebook, or anywhere really – or anyone else for that matter.  I have even made comments about great things she has accomplished.

“Thank god you’re not a teacher any longer!!! Shame on you for bashing former students on your FB page! You’re a terrible human being” is the full post.  I have done no “bashing” of anyone.  I have not been a teacher for 13 years.  Why am I not allowed to have my own feelings and thoughts about former students?  Is that somehow not allowed??

Here is what I had posted: “A NOTCE to my "Friends"… if you have unfriended (name removed) in the last year and a half because of T.B., then you should unfriend me too! This is NOT right!!!”

Where is the “bashing”?

This has been surprisingly NOT upsetting.  It has made me a little angry about how people for Cliques, and try to hurt those they see as an enemy of the clique.

I Wear People Out…

All my life I have had a tendency to wear people out.  I lose friends because they can not continue to deal with, and even see all my issues, and problems.  I have made very very few friends over the last 30 years, because I have given up trying.

Photo: LMAO!!!

I do need to have a warning sign… “Be Cautious, and do not get too close”.  Because I unwillingly drive people away.

It shows in my Blogs… people get tired of reading the same things when there is nothing they can do.  No-one likes to feel bad, so they have to turn away to save themselves.  I get that.  I read some blogs that are hard for me too.

Just in this last few months, I have offended someone who used to read, and comment on my Blogs frequently.  It was a huge mistake.  I was trying to offer help, and alienated her completely.  I doubt she will read this…

I am so very sorry T.B.  I did not mean to disparage your great humanitarian efforts.  I am diminished because of what I said.

It is just the latest example.  But more may come.  My inability to go anywhere has let others down.  And they have every right to move away to save themselves.

Life does not care…

Life does not care why we do things.  It only cares what we do.  Life will lead us along a path, and the decisions we make about what we do, will determine the choices we have farther along that path.  All we can do is try to make the best decisions we can along the way and hope they create the best choices of paths before us.

It’s different when we deal with other people.  That is all about showing respect.  If you do not respect the person you are talking with, then what they say is of little value.  You can dismiss it within your own mind.  It does not matter why you don’t respect them.  The very fact destroys any chance of meaningful understanding.

And if you do respect someone… then there is no issue with it.  You will respect them no matter what.  Respect is earned… and once earned, it does not go away.  If you lose someone’s respect, there is nothing you can do to regain it.  It is lost for you forever… at least as far as you are concerned.  Only the other people can make the decision to restore it.  And that usually never comes.

If you respect someone, then you have to try to look for reasons to not respect them in any given circumstances.  You would have to actually make an effort to not respect them.  If you have to make a big effort at it, then the respect was not there to begin with.

When I lose someone’s respect… I suffer.  There is not a lot I can do to recover it.  And because of who I am, it can have a cascading affect thru all aspects of my life.  I pull back from everyone.  I stop trusting as I have been not trusted.  I recamp within myself, and hide even more.

I over-react.  But that is part of my mental state.  Anxieties create over-reaction.  And everyone close to me knows that, and can handle it.  Or not if they chose.

I don’t know if I am “crazy”… but I know some people think I am.  And I know some people think I am sometimes.  Those are not true friends… they are not people I can try to be close to.

Note: To be clear, I can not expend energy trying to get close to people who think I am crazy.  It’s my issue.

Not in the Christmas Spirit

I am not in the Christmas spirit… and I will not be.  Maybe the day after Christmas I will feel happy, and relaxed.  But for now I just have to get thru it.  I do not have family, or friends.  Lori has gone out 2 evenings this week for Christmas get-togethers with her friends.  Agoraphobes don’t have friends to get together with.

This whole season seems designed to make a big show of how alone I am.  Nice. 

It will be okay, and I will have some fun moments.  But it is so very draining.  I will spend most of today in bed… I already have.  That’s about the best I can do.

I know there are others like me, and I hope they can hang in there too.  It will pass soon enough, and we can get back to our normal lives… such as they are.

Thinking About Where I Am

So here I am, half way thru the weekend.  I have slept about “normally” – at least for me.  I have been awakened by nightmares several times each night… average.  I have had too much anxiety… about average.  And I am wondering what it means to be “happy”.  I wonder about that a lot.

Most of the time I am just waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed.  Of course that will lead to nightmares… I don’t know which is worse.  Actually, I do.  The being up and awake is worse.  Because it is real.

There are things I do… mostly things that have to get done.  Other that those, most of my time is just trying to hold things together.  I am often on the verge of tears.  I can’t be happy, and do fun things.  I just need to get thru the day.

Motivation is a huge problem – I don’t have any personal motivation.  I can shop… clean (some)… and do the basic things to take care of myself.  But I have to be alone.  Not just by myself, but alone.  I can not have close friends.  The closest I get are my Facebook friends.  I can not socialize with others.

It’s okay… at least I am able to stick around. 

So being asleep is the best thing – even with the nightmares.  Being awake and alone is my next best state.  Going out to run errands is tolerable about half the time – sometimes Lori has to do the shopping because I can not go out.  Going out with friends, or having friends over are just out of the question.

“Alone” means more than being by myself.  I can not even do things for myself.  I can not hobby (which is not a verb, but used as one here), or work on my things.  These are the normal days.

There are good days too.  I have even gone out of photo shoots by myself!  I have worked on projects, and hobbies.  But those are the exceptional days.  Depression is not as common as it used to be.  Things are even worse when I am depressed.  It will get better… we do always end up getting better. 

My Social Life as a Teacher

I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years.  It was in many ways the height of my life.  I fulfilled my obligation to give back to society more than I got from it.  But I had virtually no social life during that time.  I went out with other teachers on my own, only 5 times during those years – twice with administrators.  I think I went to one Christmas party.

I did go to many of the year-end parties… but that was a time when I was letting go of myself, and many of my normal defenses were down.  It was fun though!  I even went with Lori once!  But that was not really me.

All I did was teach.  I had not had a real social life since 1977.  And that was all I could do… teach.  It was all my fault of course… no-one pushed me in any direction… it was just me.  There are many things I could have done to make my life better.  But I did not.

There are some people from all these years that I feel closer to.  Most don’t know it.  There are people I miss… they don’t know that either.  I missed out on some great opportunities to develop very close, lasting friendships.  It could have left me much better off than I am now.  I probably would have taught for 2-3 more years if I had had that support while I was there.

But I did not do anything to make that happen… so it didn’t.  I am not complaining.  I know it is all my own fault, and my own responsibility.  All I can do now is try to make as much of my current life as I can.

I have one close friend… from my archery days.  (I am not counting family members, and I have found a sister there)  And he has always been there for me… even when we didn’t talk for years.  I wish he lived closer – he knows that.  But he is in Seattle.  We have been friends since 1976 – that’s a long time.  We have been through a lot together really.

Anyway… this rambling Blog has gone on too long – I try to keep them short.  These are just a few more of the things I have to think about.  And as an agoraphobe, I have a LOT of time to think.