Tag Archives: friend

Being a Second Class Person

Because I am “crazy”, people can justify filtering, or ignoring things I say.  People can apply their own double standards because things I say can’t be trusted – my emotions are all over the place, so my logic can be discounted.  This especially happens if my emotions runnith-over, because we all know “crazy” people can’t be logical or talk right.

In all fairness, I do sometimes mess up how I am trying to say something… usually by leaving of the first part of my thought.  But that is followed by comments of my not making “any” sense, and increasing the amount of what I say that can be ignored.  No explanation can rehabilitate my thought, because why?  Cuz I am Crazy.  Move on.

Just the other evening, Lori contended a double standard was appropriate.  She did not have to follow the same rules of logic I did… because I am “crazy”.  She can ignore things I say, OR reinterpret them as she sees fit.  All this because I am “crazy”.

People don’t answer pleas for help… how could they?  I am “crazy” so there is clearly nothing they can do to help.  Walk away.

When people THINK there is nothing they can do, they walk away.  They never find out what they could have done… how they could have made a positive difference.  But that’s ok…  I am “crazy”.

I have a recorded IQ of over 150… I’m no genius, but I am smart.  People who know me have told me I am smart. Yet… when I act the least bit “crazy”, or even some way they think might be a little bit “crazy”, they can dismiss, ignore, or rewrite any of it.  Ignore me.

I’m not sure they realize what they are doing… they may think “Poor Neil…” or one thing I have read written about me more than once, “That’s just Neil.”  Meaning `just ignore it’.  Just ignore Neil.  He will go away… he always does.  Then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.  It’s not really any else’s problem anyway.

How easily all this could have been avoided… 40 years ago.

What is this Blog for?

I started writing my Blog when I was feeling very lost, and I needed a way to communicate… especially to people who knew me. I was going thru therapy, and trying to put together all the little pieces I was learning about myself.

I was trying to move back into the mainstream, while hopefully saying some things that sounded familiar to some other people. I wanted to do something.

That all changed.

Somewhere back a couple of years… or so. As I slid farther into isolation, I would stop writing for periods. My Blogs and my journal writing became sporadic. I tried to keep going, but I found fewer and fewer things to write about… NOT fewer things to think about… I just didn’t see the point in writing about them.

I feel a little selfish saying I had hoped for my outreach to help me with building friendships too. I thought if only I could make people understand, they would be more likely to want to be friends. It did not work out that way. If anything, I think it has served to frighten them, and push them even farther into history.

Now they are all gone… if they were ever there to begin with.

I have come to realize that no-one in their “right mind” would ever want to be friends with me. I am “crazy”. I have said so myself in these Blogs. And it seems everyone took it to heart. And now I have finally given up on friends.

So what is this Blog for?

I have no idea. I have a few followers. So someone is reading. And I still may have useful things to say. But now it has become more of a burden than a blessing. It should not be like that.

I either need to find a new reason for writing. Or I should give it up and move on. I am not ready to decide. But I have to think about it… I have too many things to think about. It slips thru the cracks in my thoughts. I can not decide much of anything anymore.

I have moved completely off the grid. To all those people I knew, I have vanished. I no longer exist. Even to myself, I am a shadow of myself.

Chasing People Away, a Professional’s View

I have been chasing away friends for a long time.  I really hit my stride in college, when most of my life started falling apart.  But I have fine-tuned it over the years, to make it almost an art.  I have 1 friend left. Hope he doesn’t read this…

People don’t know what we need.

When the mind starts to take a backseat, and… GKW takes over, people don’t know how to react.  Some will try, but they are almost always doomed to failure.  Eventually it works out best for everyone if there is a parting of the ways.

We end up alone.

The worst part is that it ends up being better (easier?) for us to be alone.  People become more of a drain than a help.  It’s not their fault.  They just do not know how to relate.  We are going thru something outside of their experience.

It’s hard to let them know it is not their fault.  We can end up feeling like we have let them down, and hurt them.  But we loose.

If you are stuck at home, I understand.  It is so much easier to just stay here.  And why shouldn’t I?  I pay my taxes, and am a good citizen.  I just happen to have a problem with how my brain works.

A Little Here… and a Little There

Help comes in many forms.  It can sneak up on you from unexpected places.  We have to be aware, and be receptive for when it comes along.

Just when I was wondering if my Blog was of any real value, if it mattered at all… someone comes along, and reads the entire thing… every Blog!  Suddenly, I feel a nice contact, and a bit more reassured.  Little things matter.

Thank you to all the bringers of goodness, and peace.

Those of us who hide, have a hard time reaching out.  We have a hard time making contact even when we do.  But when we do, it can be a wondrous thing.

Balancing the Schedule

This morning I got some really bad news – Lori is not working today, and is working tomorrow (Saturday).  Now, I had this on my computer calendar, but this has been a hectic week, including working on my computer.  So somehow I did not notice.

Does not sound like such a big deal does it?  In itself, it is not.  But I had a carefully worked out plan for getting lots of things done tomorrow, and I can not shift that to today.  This is not something I can be flexible about.  It is also stuff I can not do on my own… so it can not get done this weekend.

Fine… but as I said, there are things I can not do on my own, so I will not be able to get it done during next week either, because Lori will be on Prince Edward Island.  And that leads to next Saturday when I am supposed to have company which will need to have that stuff done first.  Change of plans.

This one little mistake, will ripple thru the next few weeks, potentially changing plans and ideas all throughout May.  And I will be letting someone else down as well as myself.

My anxiety does not allow as much flexibility as I would like.  Things have to be carefully thought out… at least as carefully as I can be.

Of course, I may be able to rework a solution… but it will greatly increase my anxiety, and something else has got to give.  Right now, I am just too discouraged to even think about it.  This is not good…

There are also things I might have planned had I realized what the schedule was.  I can not even think about that now……

“THE” Dream – with variations

Sunday night I had my most common nightmare.  I will try to describe it…

It was morning, and I had just arrived at the High School I taught at.  I am starting to have a panic attack – that was very common on my way to work.  There are very few students or teachers around.  I have been commuting from my current home for the entire school year… it’s early May.

I know I have to decide if I want to continue teaching there… my panic is getting worse.  There is a lot of mail in my box, as I haven’t checked it for several days.  I go to my classroom, and find it as it was when I was first teaching – before the remodel.  But there is some other teacher in there, and all my stuff is gone.  I am not even sure what I will be teaching.

I have a hard time working my way back up the hall to the office – my panic attack is raging, and I know I can not do this anymore.  I have to quit, and go home.

But there is no-one in the office.  There is no-one to tell… I can not do this anymore.  I HAVE to go home.  I look thru every office to find someone to call a sub.  There is no-one there who works there.  But there is not much more time to get a replacement.

So I look down the hall towards the science and math wings, and there are very few students in the halls.  And they move slowly… and are indistinct.  As I walk past the councilors offices, I see that it is very crowded with students, so I can not talk with my friends there…

I go to the room of a teacher who often helps me calm myself down.  He is not there.  He is on a speaker phone over internet.  There were 2 small stereo speakers.  He could hear me, but there were several students around… and he is trying to teach.  I wandered away.

Ultimately, I decide I just have to go home.  I have my car key, but I can not find my car.  I always can not find my car in these dreams.  I remember all the places I parked, and I could not find it.  I end up walking all the way around the school looking for my car.  I never find it.

I went back into to school, and still there was no-one who worked there, and very few students.  By this time I am starting to fall apart.

This is where I woke up… and about where I usually wake up.  And I did.

Caliban the Krazy Man

This is my little Caliban – not so little really, he is 17 pounds.  But I always think of him as the Little Man.

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Caliban has been missing since last Sunday night.  That is not very long… but it feels like an eternity.  My kitties take care of me.  And Caliban loves to sleep on my desk right here by me.  He is a companion for an agoraphobe.

I have not been thinking about much else the last few days… I know that is not good for me, but it is all I can do.  It has been harder to think clearly about much at all.

But my hopes are still high, and I am doing the best I can.

Inside out, and Outside In

Some things are going well… and some things are not.  But overall, I like the direction I am headed.  I suspect this is all part of my plan.

At home, things are going very well.  I am getting more done, and feeling better about it.  There are still some anxiety management issues… and I am not going to let myself go crazy with expectations.  I know the anxiety is here to stay – nothing magic will make it just go away.  But I am more positive about managing it (at home) than I have been for a long time.

It’s getting out, and socializing that is not working.  Once again, being more comfortable in what I am doing, may be making it harder to do other things.  I will deal with them later.  But I have got my hopes up about doing things with people a couple of times, only to have it fall apart.  Crap…

BUT… one things at a time… right?

I still crash out a few times a week, but now about half the time I will read in bed instead of just hiding under the covers.  Another improvement.  I may read junky books sometimes, but SO WHAT!

There are times when I can get lost in my own activities – sure, it does not last long, but at least it happens.  I try to pay more attention to these times than to when I am feeling bad – I am not doing very well at that.  Things will get better.

My Seat-mate in Driver’s Ed.

When I was a sophomore in High School, I took Driver’s Ed.  almost everyone did.  We had those classroom tables that had 2 chairs.  So Mark and I sat together.  It was the beginning of 2nd semester.  And one weekend, early on in the semester, Mark, and 2 students from a neighboring high school were killed in an auto accident.  They hit black-ice while speeding.  They had not been drinking.

He was my friend. 

And suddenly I was back in Drivers Ed. on Monday morning… and there I am sitting by myself at our table.  It made me feel horrible – like I was completely alone in the world.  Then… the teacher announced that to “honor” Mark, his seat would stay empty the rest of the year.  And there I sat.

I know what it means to lose someone close to us, way too young.  The big problem is that all together too many of us have that experience.  And we never learn how to deal with it.  We get better.  But it will happen again, and if you have a good soul, it will hurt you just as much.  That is what it means to be human.

And… there is NO “too young”.

For me, this was made much worse.  For the rest of the year, I sat by myself… front, center table.  No-one wanted to talk to me.  Mark was MY friend.  What do you mean YOU will honor him?  You barely knew his name…  thanks Mr. S.

I Know What I Should by Writing About.

I should write about my plans, and my progress.  And the plans still look good, and there is still progress.  Things will get better.

But my mind is not there.

I do not want to be here right now.  I wish I could sleep for 3 days, and everyone else could do what they want.  I am staying home for Christmas… no-one is coming over.  I can not deal with the whole Christmas thing now.  There is no joy in it for me… I just wish it was over!

So my thoughts are now about trying to get thru the next few days without ruining things even more than I already have.  Everyone blames me for things falling apart – that is fair.  It is my fault.  I just want to more on to things I can actually improve.

So I will go on now… and try to survive it all.

Merry Christmas!

I Know I Over-react… But Doesn’t that Mean I Am Reacting in the Right Direction?

I have emotional issues – everyone can see that.  Sometimes I over-react to things, and people run away.  But I think my reactions are at least going in the correct direction – I am reacting correctly at least initially.  Then I go too far…

I understand that people are taken-aback by it.  But I never hear from them.  Oh there are occasionally people who try to help.  But the people I thought I could rely on most, are nowhere to be seen.  And so I withdraw farther into my own world.  It is a nice world… it could rain more though.

Maybe people think these are issues best dealt with within the family.  For me, that means between me and Lori – there is no other family.  Or maybe I should talk with my closest friends – those were the people on Facebook.  So I am left with writing about things here, in my journals, and talking with my cats (not great conversationalists).

The process is very familiar to me.  It has been a central story in my life.  I reach out, and others pull back.  Lori gets more responses to my over-reacting than I do.  But it seems to me clear that I am the one most in need.  It is a dynamic that sucks the energy and hope out of me.  I have to deal by myself.

The first step for me is always to pull back, and go farther into hiding.  If they do not need me, I can not let myself need them.  It is not as easy as it sounds, so I am not sure how others do it!  Maybe they just click their friend-counter down one notch, and move on.

Now… that is a bit harsh.  I am not giving them a break.  Clearly other things are affecting them in their choices.  I just do not know what those things are.  I am left to my imagination as to what is really happening, and why.

Whatever is happening, it is centered on me.  It is my fault… and my responsibility.  So I will go on, and reach out where I can.

A Shadow from the West has Fallen

A shadow has fallen over my thoughts, and my life.  This has been a bad year for me – though it started out with such promise.  I will not review it now… but since April things have slid steadily downhill.  Now I am about done in.

I have lived under a sort of oppression… from childhood on.  And it returned to my life last week, bringing me down into my pit of despair, and depression.  Sometimes one event can dredge up an entire history of abuse at the hand of someone who knows what’s right for everyone, and isn’t afraid to say it.

I lived in that shadow… it never quite goes away.  Even after years of being left alone, it can still drag me down.

Some people have to be superior.  And to prove they are, they have to prove others wrong.  They have to control the lives of those around them.  And they will never let you forget their dominion over you.  Never…

They have no empathy.  They feel no pity, for anything that does not belong in their world view.  They are the sole knowers of what, and who is right, and who is wrong.  And they will share their views.  Especially with people who are easy victims.  It is how they feel whole.

They are the ones who come along to rub salt in the wounds of others.  And they especially pick on those whom they perceive to be struggling with other issues.  So as I have had increasing problems in my life, it was bound to come back to haunt me.

I write about my struggles here.  I share what I am going thru.    So I make myself a target.  But I am too easy a target… I am no challenge for them.  I collapse before their hateful words.

“Hateful” is the only way to describe it.  It is not intended to inform, it is only intended to hurt – to put me in my place.

I surrender.  You win.  I can not stand up against you.  The depression swept away our anniversary weekend.  I was up only 15 hours all weekend, and ate nothing but a few chips.  You win. 

Now leave this broken soul alone, and never darken my door again.  Though I suspect you will.

And the shadow has returned.

Tacos and Margaritas

I don’t know about you, but that sounds good to me.  Especially going out with a friends to share them.  It would be fun!

Alas… it is not something I can do.  I would love to do things like that.  How great would it be do be able to go out on a nice weekend day and have fun with fun people?  Not going to happen.

I am stuck here.  And pressures seem to be pushing more in that direction.  I have less energy, and I just can not push myself as much as I used to.  I can not go out.

But DO NOT confuse that with a desire to not go out!!!

Make no mistake… I am here because my life dictates that the cost of going out is just too high.  Usually too high to even start.

Implementation

I have been working on so many things for so many years, that it has been hard to keep it all straight!  But since I am taking a break from trying to figure things out, I decided to concentrate more on implementing what I have learned.

Harder than it sounds…

My retrenched position involves not even having to think about having to go out… at least outside of my safe places right here in town.  It does make things easier for me to not have to worry about that.  And that is pretty much what was actually happening anyway.

I am trying to take away some of the weekly anxieties, without actually cutting back much.  I am just drawing a clearer line.  and it does feel a little less stressful already.  Of course… it is far too soon to know anything for sure.

But my goal is to gradually free up some of my energies, and do more small things around home.  Then I hope to start doing even, more as I can.  It seems like a fairly safe plan, and there is not much to lose by trying it.

I have been so lost for so long, I can’t even know if I am going in the right direction!  And I really don’t want to make things any worse.  Would that even be possible?

So I am still here kicking and screaming… so to speak.  It still gets me down, and I have a lot of bad mornings, and evenings… 

I just have to keep going.

I Know it is My Fault

Not my mental disorders… they are not my fault.  But when I have conflict with someone, we may both actually be right, but it is my fault.  I understand that I am the one who is not able to follow social norms.

I have become hyper-sensitive to some things.  I usually manage it, but I can be caught off guard.  Then I make mistakes.  All the frustration, anxiety, discouragement, depression, and loneliness has to come out.  I hide… I unfriend people… I yell… I cry… and I sleep.

It is all the worst, because I know it is all my “fault”.

As a result of this and more, I have no friends, no real acquaintances, and no hope of changing that.  But, I have made it this far though!  There is always hope.

I am tired of being in a box, unable to communicate with the outside world.