Tag Archives: fear

Tacos and Margaritas

I don’t know about you, but that sounds good to me.  Especially going out with a friends to share them.  It would be fun!

Alas… it is not something I can do.  I would love to do things like that.  How great would it be do be able to go out on a nice weekend day and have fun with fun people?  Not going to happen.

I am stuck here.  And pressures seem to be pushing more in that direction.  I have less energy, and I just can not push myself as much as I used to.  I can not go out.

But DO NOT confuse that with a desire to not go out!!!

Make no mistake… I am here because my life dictates that the cost of going out is just too high.  Usually too high to even start.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel, is an Oncoming Train…

I need to stay home.

We have all figured that out by now.  I have about half the anxiety during the week if I do not have to do major shopping.  Got it…

My biggest problem right now though is that I no longer have a psychologist, and I no longer have any faith in the system.

So what do I do?

I Love my wife very much, and can not imagine life without her, but she does not understand the choices I have to make.  And she resents any change that makes her life more difficult.  She sees no need for any real lifestyle changes for the worse.

This is not because she is selfish.  She is actually a very giving person.  But… she does not understand the limitations imposed by anxiety, depression, phobias… and all sorts of social problems.  She does not see that simply getting older makes everything harder.

My increased physical issues are okay, but my mental decline is not.  I should still be able to deal with all the stresses, and anxieties, and depressions, I did when I was younger.  I can not decline.

Those are all things that cannot be solved just by wanting to… with a little effort… or with any amount of effort.  It hurts me when I think about the mental things I can’t do anymore.  It really is a terrible loss – I even often struggle to fully visualize 3D objects… and rotate them around.  It used to be easy.  My brain can not do what it could do 20 years ago.

It is nothing of anyone’s fault.  The great majority of people simply can not relate to any of it.  We are so far out of their experience, that they can not even imagine it.  So everything we say, can be dismissed… or worse.

But… I love her, so things go on, and will be really wonderful for us.  I just need somewhere else to connect with where I am, and can get help guiding me thru all the crap.  Right… I no longer have that person… sure, sure…

Life goes on.

Going Out, and the Repercussions

I spent a couple of days planning for running a few errands yesterday.  What was unusual was that I needed to go out of town – not very far, but places I am not used to going.  So it took some time to get ready.

Things went pretty well.  I spent a long time at the hardware store in town, before heading up the freeway to a hobby store.  Then I stopped at a Garden Center, and bought some flowers for our new backyard garden.  I did not go to a forth place I had planned to go, but it was still a good trip.

I felt pretty good about it.  Yesterday evening I was tired and drained, but I did fine.  Then there was this morning…

I feel empty.  My emotions are escaping me.  I have no energy.  Now I am just sitting, trying to make sense of the day.  I do not want to do anything… eat anything… I could sleep all day.

I had hoped to start on some small projects today – I needed parts from the hardware store.  But I do not see that happening now.  All I want to do is sit, and stare.  And I don’t really want to do that.

The worst part is that I have used basically 3 days to go out for 3 hours.  Tomorrow I will consider whether it was worth it.  But it seems out of proportion with what I got.  Maybe it was good for me, but that is hard to see right now.

When is the cost too high?

What Nightmares Are Made Of

These are the times that nightmares are made of.  As time goes by, I am increasingly feeling cut-off.  It has only been a week since I “lost” my psychologist, and I have not yet seen its full impact.  I know that will come…

This is all my own fault… I should have been more clear why I was not coming back to session at times.  But whatever the cause, I am now cut-off from anyone impartial to share with.  There is nowhere to discuss my ideas… and no-one to help me refine them.  Friends are too close, or too far away.

That is my greatest loss.  That can not be replaced, and it will bring me to a halt before I can implement new ideas.  And the biggest loss, is my loss of trust in anyone.

I am sure this is just the beginning of a decline.  At least it will be far more difficult, if not impossible, to move forward.  Why would I risk going out of my safety zone?  Why bother trying to make changes if I have no test in reality?

The way ahead is dark, and nothing but mystery to me now.  I have felt some anger about it, but that is overwhelmed by fear.  And this will only get worse…

Feeling Like Hiding… Always

I doubt if it is really a true feeling… but I commonly wish I could hide from the world. 

I know someone who was an “outsider” ~ someone who didn’t get it.  But then something happened in her life to throw her violently to the other side of the fence.  Suddenly she gets it all.  But usually, the people who really care about us, will never understand.

It is difficult for those who have to live with us… they see the pain, but not the cause or depth.  They learn to not react “normally” to our “moods”.  And they try very hard.

But most people just stare in wonder.  They can not imagine where we are ~ thought they often think they do.  We have all heard the “snap out of it” comments… “just try harder” implications.  We are treated at times as if we must just not care enough to do anything about it.

That is hard to get used to.  It makes me feel more isolated.  It leaves me worse off.  And it leaves me wanting to hide… always.

Therapy for having No Therapy?

This story goes back a ways, so follow along.

I started seeing my psychologist in late 2004, and for several years went every week.  I got better.  I cut down how often I went, but kept going.

Over the last year and a half, there were 3 times I went for appointments that were not to be.  One was a misunderstanding, and the other 2 were mistakes she made.

I’m agoraphobic, so going for a 40 minutes trip each way is difficult.  After each of those episodes, I did not go back for a while – almost 3 months in one case.  But each time, I eventually got back into my sessions.

At the beginning of May, I asked about an appointment for the next week.  She said she might have to testify in court (she is a forensic psychologist) so she would get back to me in a couple of days.  A week later she emailed that she could do it.

By then it was too late for me to get ready to go on such short notice, and I figured it would then be at least another week.  I was angry.  So I said “Too late.  I will not be coming back.”  I also canceled my disclosure agreements.  So I assume I was no longer a real patient of hers.

Last Sunday I emailed saying I would like to see her again after the 4th.  She emailed back that she thought it was time for me to move to a new psychologist, and she could help me transition.  Her reasoning was the the gaps in session indicated we were at a plateau, and I needed a different approach.

I was quite taken aback.  In April, I had brought up that I thought I was sort of at a plateau in improving my anxieties, and I wanted to start working more on implementation – I even wrote a Blog about this.  And it was going very well.  We figured out a plan to reduce my weekly anxiety, and help me get more done at the same time.

It worked better than I had hoped!  I’m still doing this new stuff.

But I not longer have a psychologist.  I feel abandoned, and turned away.  I even feel anger.  But I have completely collapsed mentally.  I get nothing done… and just try to accept where I am now.

My One Constant in Life

If there is one thing that has been a constant part of my life, it is that everyone will eventually abandon me.  Everyone.

I push most away, but some leave on their own.  Either way, the result is the same.  I have been here before, and will be here again.  I never quite get used to it.

And here I am again.

As Good As It Gets…

Yup… this is as good as it gets.  Now I transition into making do with what I have, and not putting energy into trying to get better.  My former psychologist has offered to help me find someone knew to see, but that can not happen.

Starting to see someone new is too high a hurdle for me to leap, and I can not even imagine it.  So the break is permanent, and I am on my own from here on out.  I do not know where I am going, but it will not be far from where I am.

This may come as disappointing news to my friends, because I will not get better, and I will not be able to be a better friend.  I will try though…

This last week have been the rollercoaster ride from Hell, and I just want that to be over so I can figure out what to do now.

Thank you all for reading my Blogs.  I hope to continue to write them.

Follow-Up From Yesterday.

When I went to be last night, I spent about an hour going over my plans to go to Walgreen’s.  I will try to go in about 2+ hours, so I will have to go thru it again… probably 3 or 4 times.

I can visualize the store in my mind.  I can see the isles, and the items on the shelve – sans any writing on them. I can walk down each isle, and see what is around me.

I need to map out my visit.  Where am I going to go first, and what path will I follow?  Where is each item I need?  At what point do I go get my prescriptions at the back of the store?  And most importantly, what do I do if they are out of something – I am only getting things I know then carry.

I visualize the people I who work there, and what to expect from them.  It is all very carefully planned.

And I plan it over, and over, and over, to make sure I have every option covered.  I even plan for changes I might have to make if they are restocking some place, and I have to come back to it.

The plan must be precise, and cover all possible changes that I might have to make.  I also have developed a plan for each item they may not have – what will I get, or use instead?

I takes a lot of time.  All together, I fully expect this trip to take about 6 hours of prep time.

AND: I should get better at this, I am out of practice.  This trip should only take 3-4 hours to plan.

And I Am Sisyphus.

I have, at times this year, made significant progress.  But each time, events have hit me hard, and knocked me back.  I really think that is fairly normal.  I am not fond of this system though.

Now I find myself in a place I have been before… it is familiar.  I have to rethink much of my life, and my goals, and how I could get there.  I have discovered that I have been operating under some misconceptions.  And they could affect just about everything I am.

It has also thrown the breaks on my efforts to do more at home, and find success here, before stretching farther.  It is a plan I developed with the help of my psychologist.  And it was working.

Now I will have to cut way back on those efforts.  I have not been to the grocery store in a couple of months.  Recently, I have known I would not have to do the grocery shopping, and it caused a much bigger reduction in my built up anxiety by the end of the week.

I was doing a lot more at home – especially with my hobbies.  But I was also doing better at my household chores, and even doing things not on my list!  It was getting so good, I found myself without the TV or stereo on much of the time.  I had other, more fun things to do!

It has now been almost 3 weeks since there has been any grocery shopping done here.  I ran out of Guinness over a week ago.  I am scrambling to meet some of my needs.  Fortunately, a local Walgreen’s is one of the places I can go, and I have been able to keep up.

Not any more.  We are now out of the right food for one of our cats.  He pretty much has to eat it.  I have stalled as long as I could, but I still have no idea how to resolve that issue until Wednesday when I have to go out to see my psychiatrist.  I can stop for a couple of things then.  I hope.

So I am now back where I was.  I spent about 4 hours today working very carefully on my plan to go to Walgreen’s tomorrow.  If nothing goes wrong, I should make it just find.  But the result is that I start the week already depleted.  I will not get much done around here this week.  My hobbies will gather dusk.

I have to focus on being able to do different things now.

I Do Not Even Know What I Need or Want from Life Anymore…

The last month has hit me to my core… I have lost all sense of what I want, and need from life.  I have not given up, but I currently have no direction.

I thought I had it pretty well figured out.  I thought I knew what I was needing, to get the happiness I want.  And I might still have been correct.  But I have lost all confidence in that model – so to speak.

I have been putting out a lot of energy over the years at trying to develop more, and more reliable, friendships.  It has been a disaster at every turn!  Every time I start to feel better, it blows up in my face.  And I end up worse off.  Other than family, I have not made a new close lasting friendship since 1975.  Hi Tim!  Yup… that is 38 years.  He lives in Seattle.

In the past, I have questioned my methods, my sincerity, and my choices.  But only now have I lost faith in “friends” even being an appropriate goal.  It may be unachievable… it may be unnecessary… it could be that it is just not going to happen for me.  I do not know.

Okay… fine.  What other goals have I had?  The next big one for me has been to get my shop, and hobby areas all finished, and immerse myself in designing, and building things.  The idea is to do the things I enjoy, and forget about everything outside this home.  Well… not “forget” exactly, but diminish.  To make the outside world superfluous.

It seems a much more achievable goal.  But in many months of actual effort, and great amounts of time too depressed to deal with it, I have got virtually nowhere.  To the point where even that goal seems unimportant, or simply too far away, right now.

I am at a point of having to rethink the purpose of my life.  I have to figure out not only what is important to me, but what is actually obtainable.  It would be a great reward to fly to the moon on gossamer wings, but that is not going to happen either.

I do not know where this is going… I will keep you all informed.

Motivation is a Big Issue

I struggle to be motivated enough to much of anything most days.  And why should I do anything, when it usually goes wrong?  Or I end up hurting someone, or letting someone down?  So why is lack of motivation a problem?

At least those are some of the questions that run thru my mind.  There are many more…  But motivation is a huge issue for me.  Anxiety, depression, fears, and more all drain away what motivation I might start with.  At night, I do very well at planning what to do the next day.  That does not mean it will happen.  It usually doesn’t.

Once I get going, I can accomplish a lot.  I have a complete wood, and metal shop in the garage.  I can make most anything.  And I am fairly good at it too – I was a journeyman machinist for 4 years!  And I like making things.

But I have to get started.  And therein lies the catch.  I have spent the lion’s share of my life believing I can not succeed – no matter how well I plan, I will fail.  That is not a productive attitude.  I can intellectualize that is not true.  I do usually succeed.  But emotions and fears can swamp any logic I use.

So what do I do?  Usually I sort of wait to have the motivation just hit me.  The key there is to not ignore it, or give the negative feelings time to build up.  It works pretty well when things are all set to go.  The only real stopper here is when there are things I have to move, or clean up, or such before I can even start – that gives the negative feeling too much time to grow before I can actually start my project.

There is usually a very narrow window to getting started, and I have to be ready for it.  I am trying to learn how to recognize this situation, and how to look for, and be ready for acting when the mood does hit.

There are so many things to learn.  I feel as if starting about 8 years ago, I have been finally learning how to live with who I am.  It has gone very well at times, and not so well at others.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Motivation is a tough one because there are so very many thing that affect it.  I don’t often see things coming.

I have to just be ready for the feeling to hit at any time.  At least I don’t usually miss it.

Follow-up For Those in Pain

I am here… I am retired, and spend almost all my time at home.  If you are struggling, and need someone to just listen, or read what you have to say, I am here… 24/7.

Seriously, I have been thru the holiday season in just about every mental state – from completely crashed out, to having a fairly good time.  And I can listen.