Tag Archives: family

Can a Gryffindor Live with a Slytherin?

It can be tough at times.  But Lori’s Slytherin training, and contacts have taken her far in the business world.  She has her ways you know.   And she seems to be able to keep a tight reins on her friends and family…

As a Gryffindor, I try to work together with everyone, to make things flow along more smoothly.  Be open and outgoing I always say.

gryffindor_shieldI am not sure about the “evil” part though.  Lori have not been terribly evil most of the time.  Of course… she is gone working a lot.  And she has been known to fire people around Christmas.  So I keep my eyes open.

If only it weren’t a snake…

Christmas is Over…

I was looking forward to Christmas this year. I wish it was over.

I have no family or friends. There is no-one I want to see. There is no-one I know of who wants to see me. People can talk a good line, but no-one has tried to contact me in any way… not as a friend.

People who claim to be “family” have no right to do so. They have shunned me, and avoided me. Even when I have reached out to them in my times of desperation… they have not been there. Their silence screams volumes.

I am tired of my life.

Every time I have thought I had found a friend, they have turned their backs on me. Sound familiar H.N. or B.R.? The result is always the same… I am alone.

I understand that people don’t like to deal with me, or have me around, but that is never what they say.

Leave me alone.

Probably a Grandmother By Now…

cannon_beach_family_bonfireThis morning I picked up a photo from my office floor.  How did it get there? It’s a picture of a girlfriend from high school.  And it occurred to me that she is probably a grandmother by now.

Suddenly I was very sad.

We have no children.  I had always thought I would. But life had its own plans for me.  Things don’t always work out the way you plan.  There is nothing I can do about it now.  There is not enough room in the rest of my life to accomplish much of it.  And there are times when I feel my life continues to spin farther out of control.  There is nothing I can do.

I am not sure how I got here… what forces diverted me.  Don’t get me wrong, I like much of my life.  I just have so little control.  Anxiety… depression… my brain keeps me immobile.  But I have long since given up dreams.

Life without dreams is not where I thought I would be.  It limits, and minimizes.  It leaves me stationary… stopped.  In some ways I have been stopped since 1985 when I left the U. of Washington.  Everything stopped after that.  I don’t know what happened.

My life moved along, and so did I.  But I never dreamed much anymore… I never saw everything as possible.  There have been changes, but my hopes and dreams have been left far behind.

Now my dreams are small – a shelf here, a small trip… anything.  And I can not even make those come true.  I can not push myself anymore.  Not like I used to… back when I pushed myself to have what appeared as a relatively normal life.  I could look almost normal.  I can’t do that much anymore.  I don’t have much inclination to even try.

Today, I mostly try to get thru the day.  I try to enjoy my time… though I am not doing anything.  And that has become good enough.

Shit.

There is still hope for Chartreuse

My time has been too full the last several days.  There is a family problem to deal with, cats to the vet, and a new crown on a tooth… Too much.

Yesterday I started falling under the pressure.  I am okay, but I have been drained, and I am just sort of coasting along, trying to make things work.  One thing at a time.

I am feeling better about my trip last week, and the next one coming up.  But I have more important things to worry about now.

I have picked the next psychologist I will try going to… though I do not know when that will be.  Some time in the next month or so, I will go.  But as things around home continue to stabilize, I am fine with seeing how it goes for a few more weeks.  Starting to see someone new will take energy, and resolve, but it will help a lot in the long run.

My psychiatrist recommended her, and likes my plan of letting things settle a bit more first.

As for today?  I do not expect to get much done.  It will come in short bursts of energy.  And sometimes, I get a lot done that way.  It all depends on how the first few things go.  I will pick initial tasks that are pretty well defined, and easy to do.  That gives me the best start… and the best chance at success.

All I want is to tinker around the house, and get some things done to make it easier to do more… and then more.  I would like to get the garage finished – it should only take a couple of hours… spread out over a couple of days.

Small plans lead to big accomplishments.

And that nice new chartreuse ink I got is great for highlighting!

I Know What I Should by Writing About.

I should write about my plans, and my progress.  And the plans still look good, and there is still progress.  Things will get better.

But my mind is not there.

I do not want to be here right now.  I wish I could sleep for 3 days, and everyone else could do what they want.  I am staying home for Christmas… no-one is coming over.  I can not deal with the whole Christmas thing now.  There is no joy in it for me… I just wish it was over!

So my thoughts are now about trying to get thru the next few days without ruining things even more than I already have.  Everyone blames me for things falling apart – that is fair.  It is my fault.  I just want to more on to things I can actually improve.

So I will go on now… and try to survive it all.

Merry Christmas!

Back Almost Where I was 9 years Ago

Well… I have the meds now, and I know what things will help me deal with anxiety – though I am not allowed to use them unless I am and will be home alone.  But the main problem is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to.  No friends or family that actually understands.

At home I am treated as if all I have to do is try a little harder.  If I do try to help myself, I will invariable fail.  Things that work, are not allowed because they offend.

I do not want to offend… I just want out of this Hell I live in.  Others can not imagine how hard I work every minute of every day.  I need breaks from it.  I need an escape.

I can not imaging starting over with a new psychologist.  I do not have the strength to do it.  Of course, that means I am not trying hard enough.  Magic is the only answer I see here.  Where is Herminie when you need her?

I am like a cat… I always land on my feet.  I will find a way thru this as well.  I just don’t know where it will come from.  Basically, I feel like I am stuck until some new medicine comes along.  It has happened.

My life has always… ALWAYS been about looking forward to some future when things would be better.  There is nothing in my life worth where I am… but there may be some bright day down the road.  So I will keep trying, and…… we’ll see.

Comment Received :: I am told by family and ex- friends to push myself more, do they not think i would if i could without later consequences. I know how i feel but they have no clue how much it takes to stick together every day (typos corrected)

I think all of us experience this.

Not in the Christmas Spirit

I am not in the Christmas spirit… and I will not be.  Maybe the day after Christmas I will feel happy, and relaxed.  But for now I just have to get thru it.  I do not have family, or friends.  Lori has gone out 2 evenings this week for Christmas get-togethers with her friends.  Agoraphobes don’t have friends to get together with.

This whole season seems designed to make a big show of how alone I am.  Nice. 

It will be okay, and I will have some fun moments.  But it is so very draining.  I will spend most of today in bed… I already have.  That’s about the best I can do.

I know there are others like me, and I hope they can hang in there too.  It will pass soon enough, and we can get back to our normal lives… such as they are.

Thanksgiving… and Such

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was fun, but a bit subdued.  One person was elsewhere, and one important person was ill.  But everyone will be fine.  The food and company were great.

Needless to say, after everyone was gone, I crashed out.  I felt drained, and was in despair.  I felt horrible as the last bit energy drained away – it has been a stressful week.

I have been stretched thin by events, as have others.  And now I wish to relax, and try to rebuild some enthusiasm.

I have not written for a while because family events have taken my attention, and thoughts.  But all is well, or moving in that direction.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving…