Tag Archives: energy

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Things Just Do What They Want

I should be doing better.  I should be feeling better.

Things are going better at home – I am getting more done.  I am having more success completing things.  But I am not feeling much more energy.  I am still tending to crash out after about 12 hours being up.

Things should be better.

Why am I not feeling it yet?  Things are going along well enough, but I can’t pull it all together.  Is it just a matter of time?  Or is it time to take another look at my meds?  I will be seeing my psychiatrist next month, and we will have to take about this.  So far we have been waiting for my home life to fall into place… I think I am there.  SO it may be time to revisit my meds…

Or maybe I still have farther to go… but I am tired of all the constant effort.  I spend way too much time trying to relax, and lower my anxiety.  It all ends in the early evening, when I have to figure out dinner (or not), and I just can’t do any more.  So I go to bed – sometimes I read for a while… sometimes not.

I know I am better.  Maybe I just need more time to really feel it.

I am Mentally Tired

Every day is a struggle.  I get that.  Not a problem.  But it wears me out.  I have to talk myself into simple things… like having dinner.  It all takes a lot of energy, and it drains my reserves.  But I know it helps in the long run.  I will feel better for having done things.

Today I am worn out.  I do not have any energy left.  I have been in bed most of the day… just resting, and letting my mind wonder.  I have not been trying to do things, or think about things.  It is nice.

There are things that need to be done, but I simply will not care much about that today.  I need to let myself be lazy, and relax some days.  I may have energy later… but probably not.  I do not see much chance of that.

Tomorrow is Monday – my normal mental day off.  I may still need that too.  And I do not care!

Anyone want to join me?

Just one word… Depression

I have been struggling with depression on and off over the last week plus.  I have had a few good days.  Then this last weekend things went into a tail-spin.  Sunday I was in bed almost all day.  I had tried to put together a productive plan for the weekend, but it unraveled quickly Saturday.

Lori was supportive, and tried to keep things going.  But I just did not have the energy.  I am not able to motivate, and follow thru.  It did not not help that my back has been on edge the last week as well.  But I know how to work around that most of the time.

My efforts have ground to a halt much of this last month.  I am trying to figure out where my life should be going… as I do not have a support structure.  I have lost friends, and ambition.  I have had to cancel trips, and activities.  It has been a bad year.  I do not even know what I want anymore.

And I seem to be wearing out my readers.  There is not much new to report, and the old is always the same.  Some people have said I write some good thoughts, and share things most can not.  That makes me feel better.  But my hope is to improve my own life – perhaps a little selfish, but it is what I need now.

So I am trying to keep writing.  I have 4 other blogs started… I may even finish one.

The Course of Diminishing Energies

I suffered from a lack of energy to be able to do much as far back as High School.  But I did pretty well for a while.

As people with long term chronic depression know, life gets gradually harder as time passes – without treatment at least.

The first casualty of depression is things that are fun.  By 1977, I was starting to have a harder time doing fun things.  By 1982 doing fun things was pretty much out of the question.  I was back in college preparing to become a teacher.

From 1985 on, I was able to use my energies to teach.  By 1997, my energies for that were about gone too.  In the interim, I gradually became more and more house bound when I was not at work – coaching freshman volleyball for 10 years did not help.

The 1998-9 school year was the first year I was sure I was not teaching as well as I had the year before.  I knew I had to get out.  The 1999-2000 school year started on a down note, and I continued to have more and more difficulty doing much of anything.

I left teaching at Spring Break 2000.  I could not go on.  It was all arranged as we were moving to another State… but still.

Since then, my energies have not deteriorated nearly as quickly.  But even so, I have become more limited to home.

I finally discovered that I was not a normal person, who was just very weak, when I started seeing my psychologist, and got meds in 2005.  Since then, most of my efforts have gone into slowing my loses.

Now I hope to be transitioning to working on actually getting better! 

Happy Anxiety

Yes… it is possible to be happy and have a lot of anxiety.  That’s how I spent much of the last 3 days.  We were in Ashland, OR seeing a whole bunch of plays!  And we had a great time.  But I had a lot of anxiety almost the whole time.

It was tiring.  Though it should have helped me build energy, I feel depleted.  I am an introvert, so when I interact with people – even when it is fun – it drains off energy.  I have never been able to go to a party, and get energized.

I know all this… but I did not always.  When I was young, I was surprised at how I felt after a party or such.  To the point where I basically stopped going to them.  In college I had gradually become more social, only to completely crash out of it.  A lot of people wondered what was going on… some people thought I considered myself to be better than everyone else.

Actually, I thought everyone was better than me!  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And that may be the main reason I have not made any new friends to socialize with since about 1977 (not counting Lori).  I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years without making any new friends.  This was mostly because I was virtually always too burned out to socialize.  Just teaching took it all out of me.

So I am tired, and feeling very drained after our fun trip to Ashland.  It was great… but I need some major recovery time.

Depression Hang Overs

Since I started one of my new meds, my depression has been a lot better.  I used to get depressed for weeks at a time… now just 4 months later, they generally last less than a day.

Last week, I was depressed for a couple of days, then I worked out of it Friday morning.  But I had a depression hang over… I was right on edge, and totally drained.  Saturday morning could have gone either way.  I was feeling totally out of it.

It took my well into Saturday afternoon to finally start to feel like myself again.  Normally that does not happen.  But I think the fact that my depression was longer than normal contributed to that.  Whatever it was, it made for a difficult morning for Lori.  But everything worked out okay.

The depressions I have are not gone… but they sure are easier to get out of, and manage.  It does surprise me sometimes… like last week.  I feel better about getting thru even the worst depression, though it can leave me with a Depression Hang Over.