Tag Archives: emotions

To React, or not to React…

I over-react to things emotionally… I always have.

My brain tells me I am reacting perfectly normally, but there seems to be a problem with my Amygdala.  I do not have as much control as most people do.  And it all comes out too often.  Usually that happens when I am alone, and great sadness sweeps over me.

There are also indications problems with the amygdala may case anxiety problems… hmmm…

I have had problems with my emotions all my life… I was always known for being emotionally outgoing.  I was known for hugging people, and telling people how I felt.  But I also got upset easily, and fell into depression.  I have had depressive periods since my early teens, but they really started hitting me in college.

The anxiety was there even earlier, but that is another Blog…

My psychiatrist and I have talked about this extensively.  There is not a lot I can do about it with meds, other than tranquilizers… I have tried some prescriptions in the past.  They either do not help, or they tranquil everything out of me.  I can not live like that.

I spend much of my time trying to control how I feel… it is very tiring.  But I can usually do a pretty good job.  There are times when I just can not do it.  And that pushes people away, and makes them wary.

Emotions burst out, uncontrollably.  I say and do things I should not.  Before my anxiety meds, I even became violent at times.  I am doing a much better job of managing my anxiety now.

There are also very few people I can talk to… that know me well enough.  My emotional problems have made it impossible for people to be my friend.  I am alone.  So things build up inside.  And it all gets a bit more complicated.

I over-react.  But that does not mean my reaction is wrong, it is just way overdone.  There may still be truth behind it.

Thinner Skin… Thicker thoughts?

Not a great title, but it’s sort of how I feel.  I can feel a struggle within my mind at times.  My emotions are closer to the edge… and my anxiety goes up much more quickly when something is out of sorts.

I don’t have much patience with myself, or any one else.  My anxiety is not under as much control as I got used to.  And I don’t like it!  I can feel it, and I can feel that I have to suppress it.  It’s as if my anxiety wants to break out and take over.  At least it feels that way.

I still think it’s too soon to change my meds again, but it is dragging me down sometimes.  I am going to think about it, and pay close attention to how it is affecting my thoughts.  I may call my psychiatrist later this week.

Next Wednesday I see both my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  But I may not want to wait until then.

I tried calling my doctor’s office… my anxiety surged, and I could not go thru with it.  There is a recording from her assistant saying they will call me back.  That’s when I have to hang up.  I tried a second time.

I am not in control of my anxiety.  I will wait for my appointment next Wednesday.  This will be okay.  It will have to be.

Motivation is a Big Issue

I struggle to be motivated enough to much of anything most days.  And why should I do anything, when it usually goes wrong?  Or I end up hurting someone, or letting someone down?  So why is lack of motivation a problem?

At least those are some of the questions that run thru my mind.  There are many more…  But motivation is a huge issue for me.  Anxiety, depression, fears, and more all drain away what motivation I might start with.  At night, I do very well at planning what to do the next day.  That does not mean it will happen.  It usually doesn’t.

Once I get going, I can accomplish a lot.  I have a complete wood, and metal shop in the garage.  I can make most anything.  And I am fairly good at it too – I was a journeyman machinist for 4 years!  And I like making things.

But I have to get started.  And therein lies the catch.  I have spent the lion’s share of my life believing I can not succeed – no matter how well I plan, I will fail.  That is not a productive attitude.  I can intellectualize that is not true.  I do usually succeed.  But emotions and fears can swamp any logic I use.

So what do I do?  Usually I sort of wait to have the motivation just hit me.  The key there is to not ignore it, or give the negative feelings time to build up.  It works pretty well when things are all set to go.  The only real stopper here is when there are things I have to move, or clean up, or such before I can even start – that gives the negative feeling too much time to grow before I can actually start my project.

There is usually a very narrow window to getting started, and I have to be ready for it.  I am trying to learn how to recognize this situation, and how to look for, and be ready for acting when the mood does hit.

There are so many things to learn.  I feel as if starting about 8 years ago, I have been finally learning how to live with who I am.  It has gone very well at times, and not so well at others.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Motivation is a tough one because there are so very many thing that affect it.  I don’t often see things coming.

I have to just be ready for the feeling to hit at any time.  At least I don’t usually miss it.