Tag Archives: depression

There is no TGIF

I have struggled thru my life on my own.  Every day is the same – take care of the house, the cats, the bills, and maybe myself.  There are not any days off.  Even on the weekends, the expectation is that I will work on the same things.  There is no break in it.

I can’t even go out my front door without planning, and dealing with anxiety.  My every move to governed by errors in my brain chemistry.  And I have been learning about dealing with it.  It takes constant effort.  I have to fight back the anxiety… and constantly remind myself to avoid depression – if I can.  I have got better at it.

The day to day things… the mundane… the normal parts of life, become nightmares sometimes.  It is all I can do to make it thru the day.  And often I do not.  Several times a week I can not fight it anymore, and have to go to bed and hide my mind.

That makes it difficult to keep going the same way on the weekends as well.  There is never a break – except now I can get away, and go to Newport.  Once a month or so, I get a couple of days to recover.  It is very welcome, though not enough.

I know people have struggles at work… in school… and with other aspects of their lives.  And everyone needs a break.  My struggles are always around me.  I do not get to go home from work for the night, or the weekend.  I do not get to finish my homework, and rest.  There are no final exams.  There is never any true rest… there is only better control.

Some of you will understand.  We live every moment within our nightmare.  It is all around us.  We take it with us.  There is no TGIF.

Depression… It Never Quite Goes Away

This week has tested my limits – and the limits are still there.  Depression is always lurking around the edges of my life.  Some weeks make it almost inevitable.  This was one of them.

Monday and Tuesday were horrible difficult.  And issues all week never gave me a break.  I was alone to deal… or at least to try.  And this week it got to be way too much.  But I still had to go on.  Even this morning, I had to get up and do what I do every morning.  There are things to take care of.

Once I am done, I will go back to bed, and hope the world will go away.  Nice.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

The Horror that is Dinner…

Sometimes I plan a nice dinner for myself.  And sometimes I actually make that dinner.  But usually, by the time evening rolls around, I am too tired – mentally tired.  Then I either don’t eat anything, or I eat whatever I can heat up.  This happened most days.

It is part of my life.  It is just something I have to live with.

Wednesday evening I was going to make a nice salmon dinner… with pot-stickers, and veggies.  It was going to be very good.  I had left-overs.  The night before, I did the same thing.  I miss out on a lot of nice dinners – I am a good cook.

How many of you know this feeling?

Sometimes by the end of the day, I am too worn out to read… or even watch TV.  I always look back on the day, and realize what I could have done.  There are so many missed opportunities.  That is the saddest part – my entire life amounts to a series of missed opportunities.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.

And the Meds Keep Coming…

I saw my psychiatrist Monday– she just takes care of my meds.  I have to go every now and then to update my prescriptions.  Right now I feel like they are about right.  I still have too much anxiety at times… but I can usually handle it.

My “anti”-depression meds are still working pretty well – I have a couple of depressive episodes every week, but they usually last less than a day.  Before this, they last days, or even weeks.  So I am back to mostly having to manage anxiety.  And I have go much better at that.

There were other issues to cover.  I will be talking with her about finding a new psychologist in April… so that will help.  She likes my plan of trying to stabilize my home life for a while – as long as there is progress.  So that helps too.

There were other places to go, and things to deal with Monday.  Then yesterday I had someone in the house to install some “things”.  So I have been pretty well drained.  But today I can try to relax, and get my thoughts together again.

When trying to manage anxiety, the question always arises – “why bother?”  I can hide from most causes of anxiety.  I can shut myself away, and usually feel better.  And it’s not like a have to put any effort into being around people… who would they be anyway?

See… too many thoughts for right now…

I Need to say more about Myself

I am very happily married – though there are those flashes!

We “get” each other, and know when to just say to ourselves, “whatever”… and move on.  We know what is really important… and we know what is NOT.  We know that flashes of emotion, are only displays of our deeper wants, and needs.  There is joy wrapped within them.  And it all makes us stronger.

Here is the thing.  I am going to write even more about my own experience within my own world.  I am going to write about why I believe things.  And I know the process of resolving conflicts with our beliefs, can become empowering.  I have done much of this… but I have not organized the thoughts.  There needs to be more structure to it.

My brain does not work the way most people’s do.  But it also gives me some interesting abilities.  I can easily view 3D images in my mind… rotating then… even exploding them to visualize all the parts… screws… and whatever, in 3 Dimensions.

I can conceptualize a 4D object… I can “visualize” the axis grid…

So I know my brain is not diminished.  I am okay.  Even if my mind comes up with odd conclusions ,there is no reason to diminish my intellect.  If you can not connect to the concepts I present, then maybe it is your intellect that is lacking.  Or not.

There really is no way of  knowing.

If you know me, you know my mind does not work as yours does.  But is it Wrong?

Separating Behavior from Thought… a difficult battle for those few who find the need to Define Themselves to Themselves.

When you are depressed you loose the ability to intellectually… do anything.  That is not an option.  But we still feel the emotional side… and there is also our philosophical side – it may be our religion, or any philosophical concept of existence.

You become a captive held away from the World.  Depression takes away our ability to defend ourselves.  So we hide.  We run away.  We will do anything to avoid the ___ that comes at us.  And each of us has our own Structure of Fear… the things we need to avoid.  No-one can point to any example of how they feel, because there are no examples… everyone is different. 

There is nowhere to point your finger.  So to most people, what you say is little more than fantasy.  You know the feeling… when something so deeply within you, is smiled upon as a passing fancy by those you share it with.  What becomes important to us, is but trivia to them…

Contacting Me

Use the email address – “neil-fb” (then put that funny little “at” symbol — the one that looks like an “and” symbol with a circle around it – it is usually above the 2), “naplak” and then a “dot” (which used to be called a “period”), and then “com”.  <—that last dot is actually the period at the end of the sentence.

NOTE:  If you want your comment posted, please say so.

2014 – An Even Numbered Year

Even numbered years where the digits add up to 7 (or 5), are lucky!

I have never been one to celebrate New Years very much – it seems so arbitrary.  But it is a new beginning of sorts, so I will take it as a good thing.

Depression has been overwhelming me some the last few days, but at least it does not last weeks like it used to.  So another thing I will take as a good sign.  That big lighted “Portland” sign is a good sign too.

I am trying to be optimistic as I look forward.  There are good things coming up in the next few months.  I have some concerns about my ability to go some places.  It helps to be wearing the One Ring.  So I am still sort-of optimistic.

Today I am trying to just recover from yesterday’s depression.  I need to eat, and slowly think things thru.  I do not have to go out for a few days… though I might.  I have been trying to get myself to the Hobby store for a while now, and it would be nice to go out to dinner…

My biggest goal for the next couple of months is to finish my Space, and get more comfortable here.  And then to gradually start back to going some of my places – like the Hobby store.  Support Local Businesses!!!!

So Happy New Year to all, and I will keep writing for the masses! Smile

Living With Phobias – At Least for Me

Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to.  They are always part of our lives.  They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.

I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences.  Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do,  The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways.  I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).

My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out.  The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World.  Nothing has changed if I stay home.  So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine.  There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food…  So those are the places I can count on when I need to.

I really do love my home.  And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable.  It is my safe place.  Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.

I only go out where I want to, or where I have to. 

Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week.  And that is just fine.  I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone.  I do not have to go out for anyone else.  So I don’t.

It is not a perfect system – but what is?  There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere.  And I really would like to be able to go out more.  But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad.  In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.

Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! Smile

Routine is All I Have

There are things I am trying to change – slowly.  There are not always a lot of choices in our lives, and routine can be comforting.  We can have a simpler life with fewer decisions.  But it is easy to fall into a non-productive routine that brings no joy.

I live by routine.

Now I am trying to change my routine some.  This has proved to be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do.  Some things need to stay the same – feeding the cats etc.  But now there are things that need to change.

So far… I have no idea how it is going.  I have tried to do things differently.  I need my “free” time to be more rewarding… more fun.  It is not more fun yet.  Actually it is anything but fun.  I have to push myself so hard to get thru it.  I sit in a different place… watch different things, and work on my hobbies.  It should be easy.  And I worry that I may suck all the fun out of everything…

And I have to do this on my own.  This is the only place I can share my experiences.  There are no hobby friends to talk with… no friends at all really.  I have to push myself forward, by myself… with mixed results.

I know it will get better.  It has to.  But it is increasing my anxiety level.  And I am not convinced it will make any difference.  Why venture into a new world, when the current one works – though it may not be working very well?

I will keep try as long as I can… or as long as it seems to matter.

Biggest Cause of Anxiety…

Things that should happen but might not.

It seems so simple…   And…   Sadly…   It is…

When people you know are suffering from very high anxiety, the best thing you can do is to just go on as if everything was normal.  The anxiety is probably about a fear of things not going the way they should.

So just keep swimming… just keep swimming…

I Know What I Should by Writing About.

I should write about my plans, and my progress.  And the plans still look good, and there is still progress.  Things will get better.

But my mind is not there.

I do not want to be here right now.  I wish I could sleep for 3 days, and everyone else could do what they want.  I am staying home for Christmas… no-one is coming over.  I can not deal with the whole Christmas thing now.  There is no joy in it for me… I just wish it was over!

So my thoughts are now about trying to get thru the next few days without ruining things even more than I already have.  Everyone blames me for things falling apart – that is fair.  It is my fault.  I just want to more on to things I can actually improve.

So I will go on now… and try to survive it all.

Merry Christmas!

I Know I Over-react… But Doesn’t that Mean I Am Reacting in the Right Direction?

I have emotional issues – everyone can see that.  Sometimes I over-react to things, and people run away.  But I think my reactions are at least going in the correct direction – I am reacting correctly at least initially.  Then I go too far…

I understand that people are taken-aback by it.  But I never hear from them.  Oh there are occasionally people who try to help.  But the people I thought I could rely on most, are nowhere to be seen.  And so I withdraw farther into my own world.  It is a nice world… it could rain more though.

Maybe people think these are issues best dealt with within the family.  For me, that means between me and Lori – there is no other family.  Or maybe I should talk with my closest friends – those were the people on Facebook.  So I am left with writing about things here, in my journals, and talking with my cats (not great conversationalists).

The process is very familiar to me.  It has been a central story in my life.  I reach out, and others pull back.  Lori gets more responses to my over-reacting than I do.  But it seems to me clear that I am the one most in need.  It is a dynamic that sucks the energy and hope out of me.  I have to deal by myself.

The first step for me is always to pull back, and go farther into hiding.  If they do not need me, I can not let myself need them.  It is not as easy as it sounds, so I am not sure how others do it!  Maybe they just click their friend-counter down one notch, and move on.

Now… that is a bit harsh.  I am not giving them a break.  Clearly other things are affecting them in their choices.  I just do not know what those things are.  I am left to my imagination as to what is really happening, and why.

Whatever is happening, it is centered on me.  It is my fault… and my responsibility.  So I will go on, and reach out where I can.