Tag Archives: depression

Yesterday Was Really Bad

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had recently.  From the moment I got up, I struggled to stay going.  I was constantly pushing myself, and working at stopping upcoming crashes.  It was never a sure thing.

But thru it all… I held on.  I commented on my social media, and even got a few things done around here.  I was able to go on well enough that I am pretty sure no-one noticed.  I help up.  I even ate.

Days like that happen.  Usually there are breaks during the day, but this was just one of those days where nothing helped.

This is something I have got slowly better at.  I can struggle longer, and harder, and still make it thru.  It is one more small step forward.  I don’t think it will make any difference today… but these things add up.  I have to play the long game.

I just kept telling my brain to stop trying to crash me out, and relax, and go along one more time.  I pushed very hard.  One thing that has made a big difference, has been getting my office more user-friendly.  It makes it easier to relax.  If I can not control the flood of thoughts in my brain, then I can not stand up long.  Having my space, where I am comfortable, and I do not have chores to do, helps.

That’s good.  My paint-room is still lagging… but I do not need to spend time there, so I can ignore it… for now.  Things build up in my mind so quickly, I can not control the flow of thoughts.  So being where I am now, helps me slow down the input some.

Now I have today…

My Cats Save Lives

I could not possible count, how many times in my deepest depressions, that I have thought, `who would take care of my kitties?’  I can’t say that means they have saved my life.  There are always many reasons for sticking around.  It’s just that they tend to be rather prominently listed.  Hmmm…

Right now, Io and Hyperion are sleeping on my office chair.  Phoebe and Caliban are sleeping on my desk.  Cymbeline is in the living room… I am not sure where Titan is…

There seems to be a tendency, for them to follow me around the house… wherever I settle.  Sometimes it is difficult to turn over at night.  And reading my Kindle can require a very carefully built quilt wall to keep them at bay.  But it is… how do you say “worth it” when it is astronomically beyond “worth it”.  They save lives.

I am sure, very many of you feel the same way.  These small critters twist, and squirm their way into our soul.  We are not so different after all… they need us too.

That is being a friend.

We Have Dealt with the Whole “Crazy” Issues Enough for Now – So a Report Card.

So… I am doing much better in 2 major parts of my life:

1)  I am doing much more at home.  Both household jobs, and hobby activities, are getting done more often, and easily.  It is generally easier for me to do most everything.  I have been able to manage anxiety, and avoid depression most of the time.  I am having an easier time calming my mind.

2)  Going out is becoming easier – within limitations.  There are very few places I can go by myself, but with planning, I have even gone on an overnight trip by myself!!  I am now also much more confident about going places with Lori – I think I could prepare to go just about anywhere.

These do not solve all my problems.  I am by no means finished.  And there are always pitfalls, and obstacles to overcome.  I still have to crash out often.  But I recover.  And I am able to move on with just a bit of lost time.

There are other issues.  But I am trying to most concentrate my efforts on the above 2.  If I can get those under more control, I will be ready to move on to the other, and bigger problems… in time.

I give myself  B+

 

Fooling Little Experiments in Life

We all try things from time to time, where we later think, “What the Hell was I thinking?”  I do that a lot.  And then I wonder why I keep trying.

But I do keep trying. 

The biggest problem I have, is that I usually can’t figure out what was wrong with my thinking!  When it comes to issues involving other people, I do not understand what to think.  I seem to be wrong about how people will react, and what they will think, virtually always.  I get it wrong.

This, above all else, has pushed my into seclusion.  Of course… there are the anxieties, phobias, and depressive episodes as well… so it is hard to say what has caused the most problems.  I just don’t have the energy to keep pushing anymore.

So I carefully plan out my efforts.  The slightest things going wrong can force to to quit.  I crash out and retreat into myself, and my home.  I can not predict how things will go, no matter how careful I am.

There are times when I want to completely give up.  That does not work either.  I must have some contact.  So I keep trying.

A Very Weak Week

The last few days have been very trying.  It sort of started when I missed the Super Bowl, and things went downhill from there.  Everything I try to do to meet people, or go out, or be in contact with people, has blown up in my face.  The only things I can do, are alone.

What I am seeing is more isolation ahead.  I can at least go to a nice secluded place to get away… but as far as people are concerned, my life has gone even farther from having any friends.  I just need to stay home.  No-one will ever be better off for knowing me.

I am working on getting my office all finished up – I have made very good progress.  I can be comfortable here, by myself.  I have my hobbies.  But at the same time, I know I will have to make this pretty much my entire world.  There is nothing else.

My mind has been degraded.  I simply do not care as much anymore.  There is not so much to care about.  And it is clear, I can not think the way everyone else does.  I can not make a life with other people in it.  The only thing that works for me, is to be alone.

Just ask anyone… I am crazy.  I am weird, and unpredictable.  I am not a good friend.  I am best forgotten.

Three Blogs in one day?  I will try to slow down.  Smile

My Social Media Burp

After careful planning, I set up a new social media account.  I made sure it was all set private, and wrote I wanted to keep a low profile.  I said I would not post much on other people’s pages, but I was there. 

I invited 12 people to be friends.  And 10 had accepted before things went horribly wrong.  I deleted the account.  I am very sorry to those friends.  I hope they see this message.  It was not your fault.

My First Super Bowl Party!

Yesterday I had my first Super Bowl party ever!  I grew up in Seattle, and have always watched the Seahawks.  This whole season was great… leading up to the Super Bowl.

My first Super Bowl party… and I missed it.  I was unable to attend.  I tried to sleep thru the whole thing.  I was crashed out.  Nice.

I Am a Very Weak Person

I always have been.  There have always been people who know better than I, and have more confidence than I, and who run over me without even noticing.  I have got much worse over the last few years.  This is what I was like before I was a teacher.

Teaching made me feel confident, and I was able to exert my desire, and influence more.  But since retiring, I have lost all that ground.  I have gradually become a doormat.  You don’t even have to try to run over me.  No matter how hard I try, or how long I prepare, I can not stand up.

It takes confidence to stand up for yourself… even on seemingly small things.  I back away at the first hint of failure.  Then I feel lightly around the edges for some sign of something to be self-confident about.  It usually works for a while.  But over a period of time, it wears me down, and I fold like a cheep suit.

This is ALL my fault.  There is no-one to blame but myself.  If I fall apart, it is up to me to figure out what to do – though usually I just give up.

Over time, it gets easier, and easier to give up.  And it gets easier and easier for others to give up on me.  I get is.  That is human nature.

So I retreat again… and farther.  And the next time it will be even harder for me.  I will fail even more spectacularly the next time.  Or I will finally learn to stop trying.  I gave up on making new friends… I gave out on being more social… what’s next?

There must be other things I can give up on.

I hear a very quiet… “I told you so!”    inL

To Finish First, You Must First Finish

I do not know who first said this.  I have heard it was Enzo Ferrari… but it does not sound like him to me.  He was like Lombardi – it’s all about the winning.

Whomever said it first, I have found it refers also to live.  You can not achieve your goals, unless you are willing to finish your life.  You can not decide how you have done ahead of time.  Wait and see how things go.

That does not mean people should try to finish their lives early.  Quite the opposite.  Live is a long haul issue.  We have to think about our lives as if they can go on forever.  Otherwise we will most certainly shorten our thinking, and shorten our lives. 

I think what it means is that we can never know how we have finished, until we have finished.  And in reality, that is the only thing that matters.  How are you going to feel about your life in those last moments?

Short of that… all our pronouncements, all our judgments, all our callings for a better society, all our opinions of others, mean nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing… can I make that point any clearer??  We are what we are, and our life is what we make of it.

All that matters is how, we are allowed to see ourselves.  I was careful about those words.  We need to be free to see ourselves as we really are – to see the hidden good.  There is humanity within us, and we must first treat ourselves with humanity.  Live for the goodness within you.

Stop telling people how they should feel.

Life’s Distractions Cause Internal Struggles

I am far too easily distracted.  I can not walk thru the house without having a dozen or more things grab at my attention.  And I have a difficult time ignoring them.

My brain is running at full speed most of the time.  Several things can raise my anxiety at the same time, and I struggle to keep my mind on track.  When I think about something that has to be done, I must create a plan.  When there are too many things at once, my mind overloads, and I have to fight to regain my previous thoughts.  It might take a few seconds, or hours.

I am much better in the morning.  But as the day goes on, I get tired.  It starts to wear on me.  By mid-afternoon, I usually can’t block out the noise so easily, and I start to feel low.  It happens almost everyday.  Sometimes I make it thru, and some times I do not.

My brain becomes so busy with too many thoughts, that all I can do is try to sooth the anxiety, and relax all my thinking.  So I do nothing.  I loose the ability to partition my mind, and concentrate on just one thing.

All the little distractions of the day add up… they slowing eat away my energies, and my confidence, until I am useless. 

Some days I get better again in the evening.  It becomes too late to do most things I have thought about, so the list hanging over me gets pared back.  And things can clear up in my mind.  But most days, I have to just cruse thru the evening, and wait to go to bed.

I can not control the flow of thoughts into my mind.

That One Big Decision that Changes Our Lives…

I was a machinist… and I hated it.  But it was not the job I hated.  There was no real intellectual stimulation – it was not difficult enough.  I got to a point where I needed to make a decision.  And one of those, would lead to another such decision…

I had to decide if I wanted to go to a technical school, and get thru a program.  I would have done very well.  And I have always liked working on things.  I think I could have got into design.  And it would have paid pretty well too.

Or I could finish my Math degree, and get a teaching certificate… It would cost a lot more to get thru, and take longer.  The other big thing was that I would make a lot less money.  And I always felt it important to have my space be right for me.  So teaching it was.

First I had to get thru my Degree program.  I finished very well, and enjoyed finally getting my Math degree.  It became known to me that several big companies were offering nice contracts to Math students.  This was my second big decision.

But I had always liked the idea of teaching.  I thought I would be good at it.  And I think I was.  My father said we all have a duty to give back.  Though he did not like to define “give back”.  I wanted to teach.

It was the greatest experience in my life.  I have many fabulous memories… they will last me my entire life. Smile

I think I made the right choices.

So… How Am I Really Doing?

I put on a good show… even in therapy.  I am always in a “better” mood when I talk, or share about myself.  Yup… When I am feeling worse – more normal – I do not communicate much at all.  I learned a long time ago that people do not want to see the truth if they think there is nothing they can do.

So this is Me Lite. 

I make plans as if I am actually going to follow thru.  Every evening I think about what I could do tomorrow.  It almost never happens.  I can not go places, or accomplish things at home.  Everyday I struggle to get up, and get going.  I probably would not if it weren’t for the kitties – they need feeding, and one needs meds.

It is all I can do to get thru most days.  Anxiety and depression take a constant toll.

But it’s not like I have a lot of options.  There is more I need to do – it just takes more planning and energy than I have.  I want to be able to relax more, but having actual fun seems out of reach.  It does not happen very often.  Most days I just get thru…

Maybe I am better, but I am not seeing it.

For Lack of a Nail…

There is so little joy in this life.  There is the struggle over whether it is even worth the effort.  I have lived my whole life looking forward to the day when things would finally start to be easier… and more fun.  It is always just out of reach.

One day, I will either make it, or finally come to realize there is no hope.  Someday, the effort will exceed the potential reward.  It already feels that way some of the time.

Life becomes hopeless. 

But I keep moving “forward”.  I keep trying.  I know going forward is my only hope.  So I can push thru the days, and seek out the little joys I find.  Look around – there are good things in every moment.  Find them.

I have my kitties… and my hobbies… and the weekends.  There is a constant flow of good things it see, and feel. The “nail” is everywhere, if I look for it.  And that is where I can start to build.  The dark days pass, and there is always light.

Never give up for lack of a nail.

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.