Tag Archives: depression

I Became a Shadow…

It is hard to be treated as no-one.  I grew up being treated as someone who was getting it all wrong.  I was treated as if everything I believed in, did not matter.  How I was behaving was wrong, from the start, with no consideration.  I had to live by someone else’s rules.  But I was never able to live up to that standard… because that was not me.

And of course, it did not work well for me.  And it does not work any better today.  When people treat me differently… for whatever the reason… I feel that past creeping into my life.  It does not matter who I am, it only matters how I behave.  I can not live that way.  It almost destroyed my life.  I am not always as I appear to be… no-one is.

I work very hard at treating everyone the same as I have always.  I can not understand their situation if I predetermine how things will go.  I am not always successful… but I try.  I know I should not treat people by my simple interpretations of how they are behaving.  I wish I could do better at doing this.  It’s not fair to presume how people will behave because of outside circumstances.

I try.  I want to treat people according to who they are on the inside – always.  Not according to how they may be reacting to things I can’t know.  Everyone has issues going on in their brains, that I can not possibly know about… no matter how close we may be.

I lived as a shadow of what I could have been in my life.  I will not ever attain what I could have done.  I am what I am, and treating me otherwise will result in a disconnect.  I have been thru enough.

SO… I will NOT be treated differently than I am.  No-one has the perception to know where my brain is.  Listen.

 

NOTE:: There are some issues I have a hard time being patient with no matter what.  Politics can be one of them.  I do not have the strength to fight some battles.  I pick and choose.

 

The “S” Word

For me, there is a word I write frequently in my journal, and think even more often, that I don’t like!  It makes my anxiety go up just to think it.  It makes me want to run and hide my brain.  It is a horrible word for me… the “S” word.  The word is “should”.

What “should” I do today… what ‘”should” things all look like.  How “should” I respond… or feel… or think.  It is a word that can send me into a crashing dive.

Every day, I think and write about what I “should” do.  It leads me into a pit.  It makes me feel like I have already lost… I have already failed.  What “should” I do?  I can almost never live up to that.  It means I can not do enough even before I start.

Even now, it is making me feel bad.  I can’t even write about it without feeling that anxiety, and failure.  Right now I am feeling like not writing any more… but I “should”.

I don’t know if everyone has such a word… but I doubt it.  When I hear it, I feel myself declining.  I can feel myself falling into the pit of failure.  I can not do what I “should” do.

Some things I can’t do for physical reasons.  My knees, back, shoulder, toes, thumb, and fingers make it hard, or painful to do many things.  I know I “should” do some things, or be able to do some things… but I can’t.  I try to treat my pains, and do what I can.  But it can be very frustrating having to deal with it everyday, all day long.

But most of the time when I “should” do something, and don’t, it’s because of mental issues – my brain is not my friend.  I can not explain this to someone who has never experienced it, but sometimes I simply can not get myself to do what I “should”.

Sometimes I try to avoid the word… sometimes I try to push myself to face it.  Neither works.  It’s a bad word.

Empty Brain…

My brain is not working very well today.  I don’t know where it is all coming from, but I feel unable to do anything.  My mood is very Fragile, and I can’t control my thoughts. 

I feel angry, and sad, and confused… I should just have stayed in bed today.  I am of no use to anyone like this.  It seems like everything has been going wrong.  My pain is not under control, and I have nothing to deal with it when it is really bad.

And I have been letting down Lori and everyone else I deal with.  My brain sometimes just gets so empty…

Not a Good Day

There are good days and bad… today is a bad day.  I had nightmares all night, but still stayed in bed late this morning.  I would rather have the nightmares than get up and have to deal with the world.

We went out to IKEA yesterday, and it wore me out.  I had lots of pain, and was not able to deal with it.  I was not doing very well last evening, and it carried over into the night, and this morning.

I know I will feel better soon… but it is not now.  There are things to do, but my toes, back, and knee don’t want to get up at all.  I can’t do much walking without having these pains, and I am still trying to figure out the best combination of meds to treat it.

It drags me down mentally, and leaves me tired, and feeling like staying in bed.  Right now I wish I had stayed there.  There is not much more to say today…

After a Trip

After Lori and I go on a trip, there is the inevitable crash.  We got home Monday… yesterday I was feeling tired and stressed.  Today I am depressed and on the verge of crashing out completely.  I should be better tomorrow.

But this part of traveling is my least favorite.  Before we go, I have to go thru a lot of anxiety about being away from home.  It is difficult to get thru, and Lori has to deal with it.  But it’s not really as bad as the after trip crap I have to deal with.

I don’t get to savor the fun… I don’t get to feel all rested and happy about the great trip – not until several days later anyway.  When Lori comes home from work-travel, we will be able to talk about the fun plays and all, and it will be good again.  But there are always those few days right after the trip where I have to feel like my world is falling apart… for no reason.

This will pass.  The really bad times always do… I know that.  Thru session, I have learned that I always get better.  That’s a thing about humans – if we give ourselves half a chance, we always get better.  And I know I will to.

But for today… I am very low, and depressed, and wanting to just hide away and pretend the rest of the world is not there (except my Facebook friends).  Even being on line is difficult though.  I just want to hide.

Depression Hang Overs

Since I started one of my new meds, my depression has been a lot better.  I used to get depressed for weeks at a time… now just 4 months later, they generally last less than a day.

Last week, I was depressed for a couple of days, then I worked out of it Friday morning.  But I had a depression hang over… I was right on edge, and totally drained.  Saturday morning could have gone either way.  I was feeling totally out of it.

It took my well into Saturday afternoon to finally start to feel like myself again.  Normally that does not happen.  But I think the fact that my depression was longer than normal contributed to that.  Whatever it was, it made for a difficult morning for Lori.  But everything worked out okay.

The depressions I have are not gone… but they sure are easier to get out of, and manage.  It does surprise me sometimes… like last week.  I feel better about getting thru even the worst depression, though it can leave me with a Depression Hang Over.