Tag Archives: depression

Not in the Christmas Spirit

I am not in the Christmas spirit… and I will not be.  Maybe the day after Christmas I will feel happy, and relaxed.  But for now I just have to get thru it.  I do not have family, or friends.  Lori has gone out 2 evenings this week for Christmas get-togethers with her friends.  Agoraphobes don’t have friends to get together with.

This whole season seems designed to make a big show of how alone I am.  Nice. 

It will be okay, and I will have some fun moments.  But it is so very draining.  I will spend most of today in bed… I already have.  That’s about the best I can do.

I know there are others like me, and I hope they can hang in there too.  It will pass soon enough, and we can get back to our normal lives… such as they are.

Bad Things Come in Twelves…

And the news just keeps getting better.  My anxiety is still high… my new meds are not doing enough.  So I contacted my Dr. about it, and she has decided I need to see a psychiatrist to get my meds works out.  so I have to find, and go to a new person to get my meds figured out.

I get it that a psychiatrist is better trained to be able to find a solution, but I hate the New Meds Rollercoaster.  There are so many ups and downs during the process…  So it may be a good thing, but it sure does not feel like it.  It’s hard enough to just go out… but going out by myself to see someone new takes time and preparation.

And there will be the new meds to get used to.  And then there is the inevitable dose issues, and whether it’s even the right medication.  I already went thru this for a few months earlier this year.  If you have been thru it, you know how bad it can be.  the idea that it will help in the long run is no conciliation.

I have been feeling depression taking hold ever since I got the news.  I really hate this.

I Should Keep My Anger Inside

I have been going thru a mental breakdown these last 24 hours.  Events ran beyond my control, and I reacted out of confusion, and anger.  I made a public statement I now regret.  But it was all initiated outside of my control.

I spent much of today in bed… depressed.  But now I am empty, and people are angry at me.  Of course… no-one contacted me about this at all, so I did not immediately realize the impact.

It has left me drained, and feeling really bad about myself.  It also makes me realize there is no-one out there who would cross the street to piss on me if I were on fire.

I am sorry to sound angry, but I am.  It’s mostly a reaction to the initial event, and the realization that I am always more alone than I thought I was. 

My feelings are very confused right now… but I had to say something to someone.

It’s Been a While

I have not blogged in several days… I have been feeling very low, and writing has not been any kind of priority.  I have spent most of today in bed, and have not been able to clear my mind of negative thoughts.

I have had a lot of physical pain recently.  I can only manage about an hour and a half on my feet before my knee hurts too much.  Last night it hurt so much I had to go to bed early – it’s the only thing that helps.  But it’s very discouraging.  today I have stayed off my knee, but my back has been hurting.

We set up our Christmas tree, and decorated much of it last night… though I was not able to help much.  I should have done more today during the day… but I could not stay up.

Who knows about tomorrow… I can’t even think about it.  All I can think about are all the things that have gone wrong throughout my life.  I won’t go into that now…

Is it Really So Bad?

No… I have recently been writing a lot about the bad things I have to deal with.  But it is not all that bad most of the time.

There are many calm periods when I can relax, and recover, and feel good about things.  I get a lot done some days, and enjoy the accomplishment.

I have learned a lot over the last 8 years about how to balance things, and move thru them.  Most importantly, I have learned that I always get better.  Things get better.

I have posted that comment on Facebook many time for other people.  That’s because I know from my own experience that things really do get better.

Keeping the faith…

The Devil and Me

I was watching a show that featured the concept of how the devil can make us weak if we face him.  He would make us remember, relive, and suffer the anguish of the horrible things we have done, or been thru in our lives.  And the horrific failures we have experienced.

My response to that would be: Get in line.  That is what I experience every day.  I relive all my failures, and all the horrible memories every day.  Actually… not all of them every day.  There are to many.  But I do fill much of my time reliving all the terrible things I have done and been thru.

This is where my nightmares come from.  I dream veiled attempts so relive all those failures I had.  I can not stop from thinking about them.  That’s how my brain works.  I can not stop myself from thinking too much about anything.  Just ask Lori… I think everything to death.

I guess I am looking for some kind of truth.  At least that’s what I like to think it’s all about.  My brain goes faster than I can comprehend it all.  The thought can take me into a place where I have no control over what I think about!  And I descend into the Pit sometimes.

I become a passenger to my own brain.

What more could the devil do?

The Pit…

Almost everyone who reads this will try to understand it, and most will think they have done that.

But they do not.  And there is a very simple reason for that – they have not been there.  If you have not been in the Pit, then they can not fully understand.  That does not mean they can not help.  They just don’t get it.

Everyone who has been there knows what the Pit is.  There are other names for it… but they all mean the same thing.

It is a deep dark place, that holds no hope, no potential, no future, no chance of help, no-one to share, it is a place of total isolation.  There is a vacuum of emotion, and a lose of how one could feel.  It is nothingness personified.

I am talking about the depths of where the human mind can drop… not morally… not spiritually… not even intellectually… but it is just a Pit… with no way out, except time.  We wait for time to rescue us.

 

This Morning…

This morning I hate my life.  Why can’t I have a good night’s sleep… without nightmares, and constantly waking?  Why do I feel do alone?  Who is there for me at these times?

Why do I have to take care of things every day when I get up?  Why can’t someone take care of my needs in the morning?  Why do I have to deal with all these issues every day… all day long?  Every day is a struggle to keep some control over my thoughts, and my feeling.  I have to fight to stay up, I have to fight to sleep.  And there are no rewards at the end of the day.

There is no joy, and no feeling of accomplishment.  I have to move thru everyday knowing it will be just like all the others.  The “good” days are too few, and too far between.

I never know from one minute to the next if I will be able to stay up, or if I will be able to eat.  I just want some peace in my life… in my mind.

But it will not happen.  Everyday will be the same.  There is no escaping what I am… I am always close to falling apart… crashing into depression.  I can not escape my own thoughts.  And my own brain turns against me.  And all I can do is try to hold back the tide.

 

Motivation is a Big Issue

I struggle to be motivated enough to much of anything most days.  And why should I do anything, when it usually goes wrong?  Or I end up hurting someone, or letting someone down?  So why is lack of motivation a problem?

At least those are some of the questions that run thru my mind.  There are many more…  But motivation is a huge issue for me.  Anxiety, depression, fears, and more all drain away what motivation I might start with.  At night, I do very well at planning what to do the next day.  That does not mean it will happen.  It usually doesn’t.

Once I get going, I can accomplish a lot.  I have a complete wood, and metal shop in the garage.  I can make most anything.  And I am fairly good at it too – I was a journeyman machinist for 4 years!  And I like making things.

But I have to get started.  And therein lies the catch.  I have spent the lion’s share of my life believing I can not succeed – no matter how well I plan, I will fail.  That is not a productive attitude.  I can intellectualize that is not true.  I do usually succeed.  But emotions and fears can swamp any logic I use.

So what do I do?  Usually I sort of wait to have the motivation just hit me.  The key there is to not ignore it, or give the negative feelings time to build up.  It works pretty well when things are all set to go.  The only real stopper here is when there are things I have to move, or clean up, or such before I can even start – that gives the negative feeling too much time to grow before I can actually start my project.

There is usually a very narrow window to getting started, and I have to be ready for it.  I am trying to learn how to recognize this situation, and how to look for, and be ready for acting when the mood does hit.

There are so many things to learn.  I feel as if starting about 8 years ago, I have been finally learning how to live with who I am.  It has gone very well at times, and not so well at others.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Motivation is a tough one because there are so very many thing that affect it.  I don’t often see things coming.

I have to just be ready for the feeling to hit at any time.  At least I don’t usually miss it.

Shopping Error Makes Me Feel Terrible

I ordered something from one of my favorite on-line places, and it arrived today.  It will not work for what I was planning.  And now I feel terrible… as if I am a huge failure for making this mistake.  I know I should not feel this way, but I can’t help it.  I feel empty.

I will be able to use them for something… and they are not worth the time and effort to send back.  So I will set them aside, and figure it out later.

But I am still feeling terrible about it.  It has dragged me down into a pit.  It’s been a bad day anyway – I am having a lot of back pain, and my toes are hurting whenever I try to walk.  Those things are probably affecting how I am feeling… but this has happened many times before, and I always feel so bad.

This is one reason it’s so hard to make decisions sometimes.  I know how I will feel if I make a mistake.  There has never been room in my life to make mistakes.  Even small things like this – a $12 item – make me crash into myself.

I will feel better later.  But it will take a while… I will be alright in a couple of hours.  Even so, this kind of thing should not be happening at all.  Atychiphobia – the fear of failure.  It drives me sometimes to take months to decide little things.  And when I don’t take a long time to research, and think thru all the options, I am taken down by mistakes.

Sometimes it drives Lori crazy that I just won’t decide!  I have to be way too careful.  I think I am better… but right now I just don’t know.  Being in the pit makes everything seem so much more hopeless.  How can I ever get better?

Can I get better?

Follow-up For Those in Pain

I am here… I am retired, and spend almost all my time at home.  If you are struggling, and need someone to just listen, or read what you have to say, I am here… 24/7.

Seriously, I have been thru the holiday season in just about every mental state – from completely crashed out, to having a fairly good time.  And I can listen.

Thanksgiving and Other Holidays

This time of years brings many extra stresses for me, and a lot of people like me.  It should be more fun than it is.  But there are a whole slew of added anxieties over the next month and a half for those of us with anxiety, and depressive disorders.

Today I am already feeling close to crashing out about the whole thing.  There are many things I have to get done, on top of the regular holiday stresses.  And I am not holding up very well even at this early point.

If it were up to me, things would be different – don’t ask me how.  I can not escape the anxiety, and there will be depressive periods as well.  There are things I still need to do to get ready… let alone to get myself ready!  I am not looking forward to much of it.

There are people worse off – many are alone, and trying to go thru all these issues on their own.  They can look out at the world, and feel completely isolated.  It can feel as if there is nothing in all this celebration for them.  I have often been there myself… and still am at times.

I do have some support thru this time, but it will still test my brain, and my endurance.  It will be fun, but that does not diminish the anxiety, or take away the depressive periods even for me.  There will be stress for everyone, so I will be a little more on my own than usual… I will make it thru.

Please be kind, and try to be understanding of people you know who may have extra struggles this time of year.  It’s not that we hate it, or want it to go away.  But there will be more times when we are just trying to get by.  Have patience, and remember we just want to have fun too.

My Evening Low

Almost every day, I have a late afternoon low… sometimes I crash out completely.  But usually I can get thru it.  It comes at that time when I realize I have not got as much done as I should have, and that time is running short on getting more done.

It does not mean I will jump up and get at things.  Usually it means I will have to work very hard to just remain up, and be active at all.  The best thing to do is to try to ride it out.

Most days I feel like I have failed… like I did not do well enough.  It’s a struggle to keep going, and I have been struggling all day with each little thing I have done.  I have overthought each item, and stalled because of it.  I stop and restart… and stop again.

It just ends up leaving me feeling worse as the evening goes on.  Including this evening.  I am having a difficult time right now.  I don’t know if I should go to bed, or cry, or what.  Maybe I will just “what”.

It’s hard to describe… thoughts swirl thru my brain faster than I can keep track of.  I can’t keep up, and anything positive I think of, is lost.  Though the negative aspects hang on.  They are always there.

Swirling thoughts, and surging emotions swamp out all reason, and it takes hours to recover… if I do.

Thinking About Where I Am

So here I am, half way thru the weekend.  I have slept about “normally” – at least for me.  I have been awakened by nightmares several times each night… average.  I have had too much anxiety… about average.  And I am wondering what it means to be “happy”.  I wonder about that a lot.

Most of the time I am just waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed.  Of course that will lead to nightmares… I don’t know which is worse.  Actually, I do.  The being up and awake is worse.  Because it is real.

There are things I do… mostly things that have to get done.  Other that those, most of my time is just trying to hold things together.  I am often on the verge of tears.  I can’t be happy, and do fun things.  I just need to get thru the day.

Motivation is a huge problem – I don’t have any personal motivation.  I can shop… clean (some)… and do the basic things to take care of myself.  But I have to be alone.  Not just by myself, but alone.  I can not have close friends.  The closest I get are my Facebook friends.  I can not socialize with others.

It’s okay… at least I am able to stick around. 

So being asleep is the best thing – even with the nightmares.  Being awake and alone is my next best state.  Going out to run errands is tolerable about half the time – sometimes Lori has to do the shopping because I can not go out.  Going out with friends, or having friends over are just out of the question.

“Alone” means more than being by myself.  I can not even do things for myself.  I can not hobby (which is not a verb, but used as one here), or work on my things.  These are the normal days.

There are good days too.  I have even gone out of photo shoots by myself!  I have worked on projects, and hobbies.  But those are the exceptional days.  Depression is not as common as it used to be.  Things are even worse when I am depressed.  It will get better… we do always end up getting better. 

Nightmares

I frequently have terrible nightmares, that leave my shaken, and shaking for hours.  It happened last night.  Usually my nightmares are about my life… often for some reason I have had to go back to high school, and graduate again.  I of course struggle, and am sometimes trying to teach as well.

My most common nightmare is about teaching – especially about having to teach classes I know nothing about.  And/or being totally unprepared for the classes I know.  These dreams go back to when I was teaching – especially bad during the weeks before school opened in September.  I have had problems with all kinds of nightmares for over 30 years.

Last night’s was very unusual – it was about observing an alien invasion of Earth.  I was in a position to affect who would be allowed to live.  Enough said.  I can get over the unusual nightmares more easily than the ones about teaching.  In those I am always a failure, with many people pointing it out to me.

They usually occur right before it’s time to get up, so I remember them especially well.  And I wake up during the nightmare, and fall back asleep resuming right where I left off.  Sometimes I dream I have woken up, and real life gets mixed into the nightmare.  There are times when I am not sure if I am awake, or still dreaming.

It’s not fun.  I am a med that for a while helped, but I guess my brain got accustomed to it, and it no longer helps.  So I just have to deal with it.  Fun…