Tag Archives: depression

Thinner Skin… Thicker thoughts?

Not a great title, but it’s sort of how I feel.  I can feel a struggle within my mind at times.  My emotions are closer to the edge… and my anxiety goes up much more quickly when something is out of sorts.

I don’t have much patience with myself, or any one else.  My anxiety is not under as much control as I got used to.  And I don’t like it!  I can feel it, and I can feel that I have to suppress it.  It’s as if my anxiety wants to break out and take over.  At least it feels that way.

I still think it’s too soon to change my meds again, but it is dragging me down sometimes.  I am going to think about it, and pay close attention to how it is affecting my thoughts.  I may call my psychiatrist later this week.

Next Wednesday I see both my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  But I may not want to wait until then.

I tried calling my doctor’s office… my anxiety surged, and I could not go thru with it.  There is a recording from her assistant saying they will call me back.  That’s when I have to hang up.  I tried a second time.

I am not in control of my anxiety.  I will wait for my appointment next Wednesday.  This will be okay.  It will have to be.

A Small Update

I have not written… because I have not been able to figure out what to say.  My meds have changed, and things are going better.  But I know it is not enough.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more, but we are waiting for things to really settle down.  It takes time.

I am doing pretty well when I am home alone.  But it has let me down at other times.  It is much harder to go out… for any reason.  Even going for the mail has to be carefully planned.  And I have less patience with myself, and others.  I more easily have too much anxiety, and many – though short periods of depression.

It will take longer to figure out my meds.  But I still have things I need to do.  There are places I want to go.  I just have less energy for it than even a year ago.

I think I have fallen back more than that year.  I am doing better at home, but nowhere else.  Even at home I can not stay on task for very long.

Things will get better… in time.  I am just working thru it all, and I trust things will get better.

After Cymbalta

It was just Thursday that I felt the last remnants of Cymbalta affecting my brain.  My brain has finally stopped swimming, and I have stabilized.

The meds I am taking now – Lexapro & Bupropion – are doing a very good job at helping me maintain my balance most of the time.  I am fine on good days at home.  As long as I can stay home, and do easy things, I am fine.

But it is clear that when I have to go out, or have additional pressures at home, I need more.  My anxiety can ramp up very quickly.  I can generally manage… I know ways to tamp down on the anxiety.  But that is very draining, and leaves me too tired for much else.

In a little over 2 weeks I will see my psychiatrist again to discuss where to go next.  We may increase my Lexapro, or try something additionally… or we may try something completely different.  I don’t know.

For the next couple of weeks I will be try to find my baseline.  I am looking for how my current meds help me feel in different low-stress situation.  I know how things go when I am in high-stress situations… I know that all too well.

So I am hoping for as much down time as possible.  I need to find those areas that define the limits of help I am getting from my current meds.

Fun time.

Why Am I Trying So Hard?

A new thought has been moving thru my mind the last couple of weeks.  And I like it.  Maybe after 57 years of trying to make myself fit into this world… it is time to try making the world fit to me.

If it does not work for me… then why should it matter?  I have spent my life trying to live according to someone else’s ideal.  It is only now occurring to me that I should turn the tables and claim what I deserve.  Is that too much to ask?

I am not asking for the diminishment of anyone… I just want what I have never had in my life.  I am almost 58, and I have…  no life of my own.

The Eye of the Storm

I am feeling a little better today.  My stomach is not swirling much… my chest feels calmer, and my anxiety is only “bad” now.  Normally I would call this bad, but today I will take it!

I know this may be the eye of the storm.  Today I am completely off Cymbalta.  So there may be another round of withdrawal… I don’t know.  I may know more later today, so stay tuned.

Others have told me about it being hard to get off Cymbalta… so at least there are those out there who have been there.  It must be easier for some people than for me, and harder for others.  There is always some variation.

Mostly I am tired of feeling so low, and depressed.  But with a fruity topping of anxiety.  From what happened in my last reduction in Cymbalta, I might be feeling it within the day.

Oh well.  Life goes on, and I have to do this.  I just hope I do not fall down along the way.

Another Day Along…

I am feeling a little better physically today.  But my mood has gone into a nose-dive.  I am increasingly depressed, and my anxiety is causing me to have the jitters.

I have not eaten since Thursday.  I am not hungry.  My stomach is doing some wonderful flip-flops from time to time.  But less than yesterday.

The big problem is that this has all been because of a reduction in my Cymbalta.  Today was the last day I took any at all.  So I will be going thru this more.  I think Monday will be interesting.  At least I can get away some next weekend.

The prospect of 3 or 4 more days of this are very upsetting, but there is no way around it.  Wednesday I see my psychologist, then an hour later, I see my psychiatrist!  Isn’t it a wonderful world?

I should be feeling better by then, but all that will also be very draining.  I am not sure how this will all play out.

I Will Never Fit In

I am feeling extremely low now.  I have fallen into my own Pit, and have no way out.  it is related to the withdrawal I am going thru… at least I hope so for now.  and there will be more to come.  I have one more step to go to get completely off the Cymbalta.  So this will go on for several more days… at least.

The Lexapro is mostly for anxiety… Cymbalta is better for depression. 

My insides are swirling, and I feel physically drained.  My thoughts are mixed, and I can not concentrate for very long.

It has all brought me down into the Pit once more.  I don’t see any way out.  But it does not matter… I don’t care.

New Meds and Withdrawal

I saw my new psychiatrist last week, and she started me getting off Cymbalta and back on Lexapro.  She says the Lexapro will probably not do enough for me, but it will be better, and once I am stabilized, we can look at other meds.  Good times…

The first few days were uneventful… well… not really.  I had a lot of issues over the weekend with swirling feelings, and anxiety.  I crashed out early Sunday, and did not hold up very well overall.

The beginning of this week looked really good!  my anxiety was down, and I was feeling pretty good.  But things started changing again Tuesday evening.  I was lowering my Cymbalta dose, and Tuesday was the second time I had lowered it.  now I was feeling what I call SBS – Swimming Brain Syndrome.  When I moved around, my brain seems to be lagging behind my head.

It got worse yesterday, and I had to miss session with my psychologist.  there was no way I was going to try to drive.  Today I am a little better… but not much.

The bad thing today is that depression has set in.  (We are going to work on my depression meds later too).  now I am feeling really down, and like I want to just stay in bed.  And I still have SBS!  So I am not doing very well.  I go completely off Cymbalta Sunday, so I think things will take a while to settle down.

I had planned to go out to dinner tonight, but that is looking in doubt.  It’s hard enough to go out at all, but now I feel to upset, and depressed to even think about it.  I might feel better later, so I am waiting to see how I feel.

Anyway… I had not written for a while, so I thought I would fill you all in on where I am.  I will try to write more.

And It’s New Meds Again!

I was finally able to see a psychiatrist today.  Just to refresh your brains… my current doctor decided I needed to go to a specialist for further meds changes.  This was after she changed me from Lexapro to Cymbalta.

Now, I will transition back to Lexapro.  We know that works, though my psychiatrist thinks it will not work well enough for me.  But I want to get myself stabilized before trying anything else.  It would appear I am a tough case… nice.

I am also going to probably have to change my Bupropion.  But that will come later too.

These meds transitions are not very pleasant.  There can be all sorts of side affects, as well as making my emotions dance a bit too much.  Actually, it can mess up my brain in a lot of fun ways.  It can make life interesting.

Also the Lexapro will give me mild headaches for a couple  of weeks – to a month.  That is the only side affect I have had.

I just think it would have been really nice if my doctor had sent me to a psychiatrist last Summer when all this started.  But I guess it’s better now than never.  She just did not listen quite closely enough to me.  It was my decision to give the change a try.  However I got here, it will not be very fun for a while.

I will be continuing to see my regular psychologist as well.

Stay tuned!

My Little Life at Home

I can not go anywhere by myself.  No matter how long I think about it, or how I rationalize things… I can not go out on any errands by myself.

Coming to this realization has been no easy trek.  I have turned it around in my brain, and tried to make sense of it.  But it just is what it is… my anxiety has taken a greater control over my life than I would like.

I am planned a fun weekend, but I can not get to the store.

I have not been thinking very clearly the last few weeks, and I would like to get better.  I can’t.  This has even kept me from blogging (if that is a word).  I will try harder to keep up on my blog now…

I canceled my scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist to work out my meds, because I can not decide what to do about my doctors.  I will write more about that – at least I plan to.

So I can’t do what I need to do to fix my anxiety, because of my anxiety.

Life does not care…

Life does not care why we do things.  It only cares what we do.  Life will lead us along a path, and the decisions we make about what we do, will determine the choices we have farther along that path.  All we can do is try to make the best decisions we can along the way and hope they create the best choices of paths before us.

It’s different when we deal with other people.  That is all about showing respect.  If you do not respect the person you are talking with, then what they say is of little value.  You can dismiss it within your own mind.  It does not matter why you don’t respect them.  The very fact destroys any chance of meaningful understanding.

And if you do respect someone… then there is no issue with it.  You will respect them no matter what.  Respect is earned… and once earned, it does not go away.  If you lose someone’s respect, there is nothing you can do to regain it.  It is lost for you forever… at least as far as you are concerned.  Only the other people can make the decision to restore it.  And that usually never comes.

If you respect someone, then you have to try to look for reasons to not respect them in any given circumstances.  You would have to actually make an effort to not respect them.  If you have to make a big effort at it, then the respect was not there to begin with.

When I lose someone’s respect… I suffer.  There is not a lot I can do to recover it.  And because of who I am, it can have a cascading affect thru all aspects of my life.  I pull back from everyone.  I stop trusting as I have been not trusted.  I recamp within myself, and hide even more.

I over-react.  But that is part of my mental state.  Anxieties create over-reaction.  And everyone close to me knows that, and can handle it.  Or not if they chose.

I don’t know if I am “crazy”… but I know some people think I am.  And I know some people think I am sometimes.  Those are not true friends… they are not people I can try to be close to.

Note: To be clear, I can not expend energy trying to get close to people who think I am crazy.  It’s my issue.

Crazy Is as Crazy Does

Now I have a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist.  Nice…  I have to see a psychiatrist to get my meds worked out.  My OD did not want to try more than we had – I get that.  So off to a psychiatrist I go to get my prescriptions, because my psychologist that I have been seeing for 8 years, can not prescribe meds.  She is a forensic psychologist too.

A couple years back there was a move in Oregon to allow some psychologists to prescribe… but it didn’t go anywhere.  There were too many lobbies against it.

Anyway… My first session there will be in about 2 weeks.  Then I can start trying to get my meds all worked out again.

So I guess this increases my Craziness Rating a bit.  I would put myself at about 62.  But I am no judge of such things.  I will leave that to others.

I have not had much depression the last week or so.  I have been able to get thru it, and move on fairly easily.  It does not last so long anymore.

And I have been getting along “okay” with my anxiety recently.  I have to work very hard at it sometimes.  It grinds me down.  So it is nice to let go and be a bit “crazy” for a while.  But don’t I rite good for a crazy guy?

 

Do People Think I Am “Crazy”?

That is the $64 question!  I think people don’t like to use the word “crazy”… though I think people think it a lot.  My behavior could easily be described as crazy to some people – perhaps many people.  So what does that mean to me?

I want to say, I don’t care.  But there are times when I want to do things with people, and I worry about this.  These Blogs could make some people think I am more than a bit off.

And maybe I am.  I don’t really know.  But at least I am open about it.  So I guess it does not really matter.

So on to more important things!

Past Christmas…

We are all past Christmas… for some of us it’s a relief.  I had fun, and it was a nice Christmas day… but I am still glad it’s gone by.  There is too much stress around the day.

A couple of days ago I went back to session… for the first time in about 2 months.  We are working on changing the dynamics of session to make it work better for me.  Things change with time, and I need different kinds of support.  I am sure I will be writing more about that when I feel better.

For now… I am in a pretty low mood, and I am not up to writing much.  Maybe in the next few days.  I am in a depressive mood, and need time to recover.

The New Year will be upon us soon, and that will be fun.  There is a lot less stress about it.  We will have some good food, and stay home – that’s my favorite thing!

I hope it will lead to me also feeling better about writing blogs…  Until then, I will keep it short.