Tag Archives: depression

Just one word… Depression

I have been struggling with depression on and off over the last week plus.  I have had a few good days.  Then this last weekend things went into a tail-spin.  Sunday I was in bed almost all day.  I had tried to put together a productive plan for the weekend, but it unraveled quickly Saturday.

Lori was supportive, and tried to keep things going.  But I just did not have the energy.  I am not able to motivate, and follow thru.  It did not not help that my back has been on edge the last week as well.  But I know how to work around that most of the time.

My efforts have ground to a halt much of this last month.  I am trying to figure out where my life should be going… as I do not have a support structure.  I have lost friends, and ambition.  I have had to cancel trips, and activities.  It has been a bad year.  I do not even know what I want anymore.

And I seem to be wearing out my readers.  There is not much new to report, and the old is always the same.  Some people have said I write some good thoughts, and share things most can not.  That makes me feel better.  But my hope is to improve my own life – perhaps a little selfish, but it is what I need now.

So I am trying to keep writing.  I have 4 other blogs started… I may even finish one.

The Course of Diminishing Energies

I suffered from a lack of energy to be able to do much as far back as High School.  But I did pretty well for a while.

As people with long term chronic depression know, life gets gradually harder as time passes – without treatment at least.

The first casualty of depression is things that are fun.  By 1977, I was starting to have a harder time doing fun things.  By 1982 doing fun things was pretty much out of the question.  I was back in college preparing to become a teacher.

From 1985 on, I was able to use my energies to teach.  By 1997, my energies for that were about gone too.  In the interim, I gradually became more and more house bound when I was not at work – coaching freshman volleyball for 10 years did not help.

The 1998-9 school year was the first year I was sure I was not teaching as well as I had the year before.  I knew I had to get out.  The 1999-2000 school year started on a down note, and I continued to have more and more difficulty doing much of anything.

I left teaching at Spring Break 2000.  I could not go on.  It was all arranged as we were moving to another State… but still.

Since then, my energies have not deteriorated nearly as quickly.  But even so, I have become more limited to home.

I finally discovered that I was not a normal person, who was just very weak, when I started seeing my psychologist, and got meds in 2005.  Since then, most of my efforts have gone into slowing my loses.

Now I hope to be transitioning to working on actually getting better! 

When is Understanding Enough?

One of the most difficult tasks someone with severe depression, and debilitating anxiety has, is to try to explain what is does, to other people.  Everyone who has suffered from depression, knows that others do not know what it is.  This is one experience we all share.

Most people have never really been depressed.  Certainly not the debilitating depression that some of us feel.  I can not know what is was like to grow up as a Black man in the South, in the `50s.  I can learn about it, and sort of come to understand it… maybe.  But only someone who has been there would know what it is like… and only that person could determine how well I understood it.

The worst problems are with people who think they understand, but do not.  They think they understand what it feels like, and what it does to you.  But listening to them proves they do not.

So they try their plans, and in their ignorance, they make things worse.  They make the worst possible suggestions, and have totally unrealistic expectations.  They think they know how things should work… so they act on that basis.  And it actually conflicts with what is really happening – making the situation destructive.

Isolation results.  You can’t even try to explain things to these people because they will inadvertently apply their wrong thinking, and push things in the wrong direction.  So we learn to not even try to explain.  Things work better with less communication, because communication can not exist without understanding.

It is not their fault.  How can they understand something so far outside their existence.  But if they are smart, and learned, it can be very difficult for them to accept it is something they do not get.  And if they are so very sure they understand, there is not point trying to explain anything to them.

Some people will not learn.

When Worlds Collide

The last few days have seen some great progress… but also some huge set-backs that will totally derail any prospect of improvement in the short term.

I know everything is my fault, and I do not need to hear it anymore.  But it sure would be nice if people understood what I was talking about.

Sessions went GREAT!  Both of them.  Psychologist Wednesday, psychiatrist yesterday (Thursday).  We totally have a plan!!  But it is unworkable because of issues beyond my control.

Fortunately, I have another session Monday.

I Do Not Even Know What I Need or Want from Life Anymore…

The last month has hit me to my core… I have lost all sense of what I want, and need from life.  I have not given up, but I currently have no direction.

I thought I had it pretty well figured out.  I thought I knew what I was needing, to get the happiness I want.  And I might still have been correct.  But I have lost all confidence in that model – so to speak.

I have been putting out a lot of energy over the years at trying to develop more, and more reliable, friendships.  It has been a disaster at every turn!  Every time I start to feel better, it blows up in my face.  And I end up worse off.  Other than family, I have not made a new close lasting friendship since 1975.  Hi Tim!  Yup… that is 38 years.  He lives in Seattle.

In the past, I have questioned my methods, my sincerity, and my choices.  But only now have I lost faith in “friends” even being an appropriate goal.  It may be unachievable… it may be unnecessary… it could be that it is just not going to happen for me.  I do not know.

Okay… fine.  What other goals have I had?  The next big one for me has been to get my shop, and hobby areas all finished, and immerse myself in designing, and building things.  The idea is to do the things I enjoy, and forget about everything outside this home.  Well… not “forget” exactly, but diminish.  To make the outside world superfluous.

It seems a much more achievable goal.  But in many months of actual effort, and great amounts of time too depressed to deal with it, I have got virtually nowhere.  To the point where even that goal seems unimportant, or simply too far away, right now.

I am at a point of having to rethink the purpose of my life.  I have to figure out not only what is important to me, but what is actually obtainable.  It would be a great reward to fly to the moon on gossamer wings, but that is not going to happen either.

I do not know where this is going… I will keep you all informed.

No Rest for the Wicked

I have fallen to a point where I can barely see the light.  There is no day in my world… only the darkest night.  I try to scratch my way up, but I have nothing to stand on, and no-one who truly understands. 

I do not enjoy any part of my life.  There is no joy in Whoville.

I used to have more energy… I used to be able to push it all away enough to even teach.  Now I can barely get up in the morning – or afternoon or whenever I finally get up.  Life has worn me out.

And there is little else I can do.  Everything I try is 2 steps forward, and 5 steps back… I am worse off today than I was just a few months ago.  My anxiety is under better control, my depression is taking over again.  And I will not go thru that process again.

I am not sad… I long to be sad.  I feel only despair and hopelessness. 

What Difference Does it Make?

I have been in the pits of depression for over a week… I can not find a way out.  Nothing ever really gets any better.  I am expected to be cheery, and helpful regardless of the turmoil in my brain.  There is no outlet.

I am tired of it.  Things are better than a few years ago, but there has been no real improvement over the last 3 years or so.  Why keep trying?  I am totally alone most of the time.  The only person around me does not understand, and will not listen when I try to explain where I am, and what I need.  But how could I expect anyone to?  It is so far out of the mainstream that no-one could comprehend what it’s like without having been there.

What is happening every day, every minute, in my brain requires so much energy to fight… I am just treading water.  And it will not go away.

I hold everything inside because there is no where for it to go.  My psychologist helps, but even if I saw her everyday, it would barely keep me going. 

I can not keep up the fight anymore.  I am too tired.

Sometimes Nothing Matters

This is one of those times when nothing matters.  I am sitting here, alone, in the quiet… the curtains are closed, and there is no sound from outside.  All I hear is the sound of my computer fans, and a cat purring.

I do not feel as if I can handle even that much.  I do not care.  I have no hope of ever finding a purpose in life… of ever being able to enjoy life.  What does it feel like to be happy?  And I do not care.

I know things will improve… they always do.  But I do not care right now.  I would sleep to make the day go by more quickly, but that would require effort, and I probably would not be able to sleep anyway.  I have been doing too much of that.

There is no-one to talk with, or to do anything with.  I can not go out without a great amount of planning… I have errands to run.  But it does not matter.  I even slept thru my session this morning – no getting a little bit more sane today.

But you know what?  I do not care.

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???

Some People Do Not Like the ZERO Anxiety Me…

And I totally get this!!  People get used to a “me” that is subdued and does not stand up much.  Or people get used to some other me.  They want me to be a certain way.

But sometimes I want to feel free.  I want to have no anxiety.  I want to feel free of an anchor hanging on my brain all the time.  There are times when I can truly connect to my intellect.

At those times… I can invision and imagine mathematical concepts that lead me thru complex ideas to some kind of understanding.  There are times when I can see the way to a proof.  It may be a proof of a very small thing.  And it is rarely a vigorous proof.  But it feels good.

More commonly, I can see how simple analogies fold into rather complex problems.  Those analogies can lead to solutions.  They are almost certainly things other people have thought of.  But I feel some accomplishment by figuring them out for myself.  It makes me feel fabulous!!!

Those are good mental accomplishments.  And my thoughts usually go beyond the obvious.  I think of ways to relate to old topics in currently relevant realities.  Does it make my life better?  I do not know… but I KNOW it makes me feel better.

BUT… I can only do those things without anxiety.  I can only free my mind to wander, and explore, when I am free of anxiety.  It is an almost remarkable feeling… but I can not get there even with the lower anxiety I get from my meds.  I want to be free to explore my own thoughts.

For some people IQ matters… I have been asked for the last 30 years what my IQ is, and I have not said… well… 150-8.  OK?  But that is 30+ years old.  Does that make any difference?  And what is IQ anyway???

When I have NO anxiety, I feel the most wonderful freedom to let my mathematical brain go… I can think about very complex concepts in the comfort that nothing will intrude.  Because anxiety is all about intruding.

I can see objects in my mind… and rotate them… and I can imagine 4 dimensional objects.  I can not relate them in the same way… but I can see them.  I design furniture that I can make without a scrap of notes.

But… I am limited by anxiety.  Anxiety destroys my image, and reduces my abilities.  I am sure anyone who understands this kind of anxiety gets it.  If I want to be a real person, I have to find ways to be without anxiety.  Or I am dead.

So on the original question?  Some people prefer the subdued, unsure, and hiding me.  They do not like the me that is free of anxiety.

The Growth of Agoraphobia

It is easy to let agoraphobia grow deeper into our lives.  As I wrote about recently, medication makes it easier to stay home.  As things get more relaxed at home, there is less desire to go out.

Hopefully, less anxiety at home would give me more energy to go out.  But why would I want to do that?  The world outside my door does not have the things I need in my life.  I have reached out for friends, but there are just too many limitations on what I can do.  I’m a mess.

I am better off staying at home.

Social Media can help, but don’t ever confuse it with something that creates real friendships.  On-line friends are as ethereal as the Heavens.  They are not real.  And eventually, they will be gone.  That is the way of it.

Social Media is for sharing good… positive things with people who also want to share good positive things.  If you do not fit into the “happy” mood on-line, you will not be there long.  Trying too hard to fit in will just make things worse.

So my agoraphobia grows, and it will help life become easier… at least in some ways.  I still have to learn how I can go to the grocery store… but I can do a few errands close by home – in town.  I can go on some trips.  I can do all I need here at home.  Why try for more?

My efforts need to revolve around being better able to deal with getting the things done I need to get done, without going out any more than is absolutely necessary.  There are things I can do to make it easier.  First I need to find ways to do the shopping.

Great Session! Then, Kaboom!!

I went to session yesterday morning, and it was really great!  We came up with 2 things for me to plan, to work on over the next 3 weeks.  I went on to see my psychiatrist, and ran into my first problem – she was double booked, and I could not see her.

I went off home, and did not stop for the errands I had felt so good about doing, just an hour before.  I was wiped out, and my anxiety was high.  I felt depression coming on, but I knew it would pass, and I would be okay.

Then the roof fell in.  Not literally, but that would actually have been better.  I can not say what happened, but it blew me away.  I am off Facebook again… this time I think it will be a long time before I go back.

I am physically ill about it.  My hands are still shaking.  I have not eaten, and have no energy for it.  My world just got a lot smaller.

It is so hard to try to be social when you are an agoraphobe… Social Media was a God-send.  Was…  Now I feel more alone than I ever have been.  And I do not know what to do…  I can not trust anyone anymore.

This will have a great negative affect on my Blogs as well.  The great majority of visitors were FB “friends”.  So this too may fade away now.

I don’t know.

Where I Am on My Meds

Fortunately I have been able to adjust my Lexapro so that is is helping more.  Wednesday I was able to start on my new program, and I felt better yesterday.  And today I have feeling even better.  It is easier to control my anxiety!

This has been a long process – I have been working on changing my meds for over a month now.  It has been quite the challenge at times.  I have wanted to quit more than once.  But I have made it thru so far at least.

There will still be some changes or additions.  So there is a ways more to go.  But I am feeling much better than I was last week, and even better than earlier this week.

So things are looking up.

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?