Tag Archives: depression

I am Depressed

Sorry for not having a snappy title.

Yesterday was not very good… it was not a disaster.  But today I have fallen into a depressive episode.  I got up from a nap totally flat.  I did not feel anything.  Now I am not sure what to do.

I may go back to bed.  Or I may just sit here.  Sometimes I sit here in my office, and just stare at the floor.  I also like to stare at the green light on the smoke detector in our bedroom.  And virtually nothing goes thru my mind while I do that.

I should feel better tomorrow… or the next day.  But it will be back.

Okay… I Think I know What I am Going to do. (Besides Weird capitaliZation)

It has become increasingly clear what direction I should go.  I still have a lot to think about, but at least I think I have a direction.  I am not ready to write about it, but it does make me feel better to have decided.

I think I am ready to DO something this week, or early next week.  I need to discuss it, and think about it.

Managing Anxiety… Sort Of

Over the years, I have learned a lot about managing anxiety.  My meds are great, and make a huge difference, but they are not enough.  I at or above the max dose on 2 of them, and that is about the limit.  So I meditate, and work on physical relaxation – usually that helps.

My improving joints in my feet are making walking possible again, but I am just starting that.  I am doing what I can.

Recently, it has been more difficult.  I am not sure why.

I have not seen my psychologist in over 4 months.  I have been home every day for over 6 months.  I take care of things around here, but I am here every morning to start over.  I have not had one day off of that routine.  Except this last Saturday when I stayed in bed all day… and even then…

We canceled our last 2 vacations because of our sick kitty (it was worth it).  And there have not even been any day trips.  As my anxiety has grown more difficult to manage, it has got even harder to go out.  Right now I do not even care about going anywhere.  I just want some time to completely relax, and not have to worry about anything.  Not going to happen.

So I am trying to figure out what to do to bring my life together, and all this is going on.  I have some very complex issues to understand, and evaluate.  I have some options, and I do not want to waste a few months by making the wrong one.

There is so much anxiety, and depression that is is hard to think things thru clearly.  And every time something goes wrong, I get pushed farther back down, and it gets ever more difficult to decide anything.

I will keep trying.

What a world!

My Weekend

Friday was a mixed bad of emotions.  I started out feeling a lot of stress about figuring out what I could do for the weekend.  I wanted to go out, but had to figure out what I could actually get thru.

Late in the afternoon, I finally had it!  It felt really nice to have a doable plan.  And it would be fun too!

The problem was that I had so drained myself during the day, that I was a wreck by late evening.  That is when I crashed – 11pm Friday night.  I did not get up until 7am Sunday morning.  That was 32 hours of sleep – on and off.  Sunday I lasted only about 10 hours.

I did not eat very much all weekend either… but that does not bother me very much.

Now it is early Monday morning, and I do not know what to do.  I feel mentally drained, and I start the week pretty much empty.

These things happen.

A Log From the Edge… and Beyond

I do not know what will happen in my brain.  I think I will get better, but this Blog could record my decent into madness… not likely though.  So… not to worry…

I have been sleeping too much.  The bedroom is a sort of sanctuary for me.  It is easier to relax and let the day fade away.  But it means I am not spending much time up, and active.  I do not have much energy for it.

There are many times during the day when it is all I can do to stay awake – I want to sleep.  Everything has been getting harder, so I have to push myself more, and that uses up energy.  And the days get shorter.

I have not finally decided what to do about therapy – except that I need it.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more meds too.  But I need to get my thoughts straightened out before we can be sure.  I only see her for meds, so I will need to find a new therapist… or try to go back to the old one.

Neither of those 2 thoughts hold much attraction. Contrary to what some people believe, my loss of my psychologist was mostly the result of a misunderstanding.  But it still hurt too much.  And maybe I should try someone else anyway.  But it is so hard to find the right person – especially now.  I know more about what works and doesn’t work for me, so I need the right person.

That search will create many new problems, and anxieties.  There will be plenty of opportunities for failure.  I may have to try more than one therapist.  I am not looking forward to that.

This is going to take months to work out, whatever I do.  The Fall is sort of set aside for it.  I can not really hope to do much else.

But I know I have to find a way to get going again, and start recovering my brain.  I can now also see that I will probably always need someone to help me sort thru things.  I think way too fast, and about too many things for my own good, and I need someone to slow me down, and keep me on track.

My friends will be there for me… though I am not good at asking for help.  Some things sound good, or fun, but just drain away too much energy.  So I pick the things I feel sure I can do, and work on them.  I am tired of letting people down, and cancelling at the last minute.  It is not fair to others.  So I tend to avoid plans with most anyone.

It does not help in the long run, but makes it easier to get thru the days.

A Return Forged in Need

I need to Blog.  It is how I communicate with the world.  I can not stop it now… when I need it more than ever.

You see… I have been gradually falling apart the last month or so.  Things were getting difficult before that, but I have had a more and more difficult time holding myself together.  It has become hard to get thru a whole day without some kind of crash to deal with.

Now I spend pretty much all my time just trying to hold my brain and thoughts together.  That is about all I do… and the dishes.

I do not need advice here – I know my options, and I know I will have to make a major decision very soon.  So I do not need any extra distractions.  There will be times when I will need, and ask for advice, but right now I can not handle it.

I know I need help.  The current situation in untenable.  So all the options I am looking at involve getting that help.

For me… part of getting any help includes this Blog.  I am going to use it to share what I am doing, and dealing with.  As I have done.

There may be some dark times ahead.  But I will always be able to communicate here… at least most of the time.  I may need breaks, but I now realize that my Blogs are part of my therapy.  I need them.

A Shadow from the West has Fallen

A shadow has fallen over my thoughts, and my life.  This has been a bad year for me – though it started out with such promise.  I will not review it now… but since April things have slid steadily downhill.  Now I am about done in.

I have lived under a sort of oppression… from childhood on.  And it returned to my life last week, bringing me down into my pit of despair, and depression.  Sometimes one event can dredge up an entire history of abuse at the hand of someone who knows what’s right for everyone, and isn’t afraid to say it.

I lived in that shadow… it never quite goes away.  Even after years of being left alone, it can still drag me down.

Some people have to be superior.  And to prove they are, they have to prove others wrong.  They have to control the lives of those around them.  And they will never let you forget their dominion over you.  Never…

They have no empathy.  They feel no pity, for anything that does not belong in their world view.  They are the sole knowers of what, and who is right, and who is wrong.  And they will share their views.  Especially with people who are easy victims.  It is how they feel whole.

They are the ones who come along to rub salt in the wounds of others.  And they especially pick on those whom they perceive to be struggling with other issues.  So as I have had increasing problems in my life, it was bound to come back to haunt me.

I write about my struggles here.  I share what I am going thru.    So I make myself a target.  But I am too easy a target… I am no challenge for them.  I collapse before their hateful words.

“Hateful” is the only way to describe it.  It is not intended to inform, it is only intended to hurt – to put me in my place.

I surrender.  You win.  I can not stand up against you.  The depression swept away our anniversary weekend.  I was up only 15 hours all weekend, and ate nothing but a few chips.  You win. 

Now leave this broken soul alone, and never darken my door again.  Though I suspect you will.

And the shadow has returned.

I Started Out As A Child

There were 3 major influences on me as I grew up.  My parents, my various disorders, and my “domineering parent”.  I have written a lot about the second… not enough about the first.  And only hints about the third… until recently.

I am not sure how comfortable I am with this topic.  There is a person who exuded tremendous energy over my life.  Someone I was never as good as.  Someone who succeeded everywhere, because of intelligence, and a creative mind.  Someone who always told me how I was failing.  Someone who never let me forget that I had to try harder, and do different things, in order to be acceptable…

This person never experienced depression, or overwhelming anxiety, or true phobias.  As with most people.  They can not truly understand what life is like for those of us who do suffer from these, and many more, mental problems.  They tend to see us as people who are just not trying hard enough…

There are many people who think they have been depressed, or had a migraine, or such, that really have not.  A bad headache does not a migraine make!

They have no empathy for people with anything they have not personally experienced.  If they have not experienced it, then it does not exist.  People who have those problems just need to try harder.  They are like poor people to republicans.

I recently received this Comment about one of my Blogs::::

You never talk about your anger issues. So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people. You are an intelligent and talented person, but you have always had trouble controlling your temper. That goes back to childhood too. (And btw: As to being depressed when you were in middle school—who wasn’t.)      grammar not corrected.

Anyone who actually knows me, knows that this comment shows a vast lack of knowledge about me, and my life over the last 10 years.  It does not even make sense!

Lori tells me she was not depressed in middle school.  Lori makes a huge effort to understand my mental differences.  It is not always easy, but she always tries.  It can be very stressful for her to do it some times, but she always tries.  And that makes all the difference in the world.

BUT… my domineering parent will never let go of her narrow minded view of the world.  This person will always think –   “I have all the answers for anyone willing to listen.”

A few years back I stopped listening.  My life has been on an upward trajectory ever since then!!  I am finally out from under the oppression of someone who knows what’s best for me and everyone!

I know I have a long way to go.  And I write about my struggles here in my Blogs.  But struggles are okay, because that is what life is really about.  So even when I am at my lowest, I know I am better off than I ways… back then.

—- As a note, I will not post comments from this person.  They are intended to hurt me only, so they will end there.

Anger is a Symptom

Anger may, and does cause problems, but anger is a symptom of something deeper going on.  Find that thing, and anger can be resolved.

I found that thing.

I do have trouble with anger from time to time, but who doesn’t?  Once I understood where it was coming from, I was able to put solutions in place.  And I was able to understand.  My anger stopped being such a problem.

But there was a time when it was.  A horrible time in my life.

So I work on these issues every day.  I work myself slowly closer to where I want to be.  And with the help of my friends, and Lori, I will get there.  I can almost see it now.

From an Ignorant Comment

This was written by someone with NO understanding of the facts of the situation.  This person was my “Domineering Parent” growing up.  It has been discussed many times in therapy.

“So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people.”

I may have lost friends because of my past anger issues, but not family.  My mother and I talked about this many times.  She could see what I was talking about for herself.  And she tried to help me understand it.

My loss of my therapist had nothing to do with my losing my temper.  YES, I was angry – as I have said – but I did not lash out at anyone.

This person is one of the main reasons I am where I am – not thru malice, but thru action.

Me and Anger

It has been pointed out to me that I used to have an anger issue, and I have not written much about it.  That is true.  When I started seeing a psychologist, it was the first thing we worked on.  I also had a year of group therapy on balancing my emotions.  The big difference came from the meds I started taking, and my sessions with my psychologist (hundreds of them).

Anger is no longer a part of my problem.  Once I knew where the anger was coming from, and how to channel it, the anger mostly went away.  I learned how to properly integrate my anger into my whole self.

My anger came from extreme anxiety – I take 3 meds now for anxiety with pretty good results.  I do not lose my temper like that anymore… not for about 9 years now.  For those who have it, you know what very high anxiety can do to your brain, especially when you do not know what it is.

The person who suggested this is many years behind in what has been happening in my life.  That person has no way of seeing how I have changed and improved, and learned to look inward. 

For the last 8+ years I have been working on the causes of the anger in my life.  Once I understood it, I was able to start working on the real problems.  That is what this Blog is about.

That person has ABSOLUTELY no place in my life, and should mind her own business.  She is one of THE major causes of that anger while I was growing up.  She is “toxic” to me – as a psychologist, and a psychiatrist have both pointed out.

Too Tired to Go On.

I have struggled with anxiety, and depression all my life.  I had my first full-blown panic attack in the 2nd grade.  I can still see it all happening very clearly in my mind.  I started having bad depressive periods in middle-school.  Of course I did not know what they were at the time.

I am almost 60 years old… I do not have the energy I once did.  But life demands that I do as well (or as badly?) as I always did when I was younger.  There are things I can not do anymore.

I can not play volleyball, or racquetball… I can not hike high mountain trails.  And I can not push myself mentally as far as I once could.  So what do I do?

One of the first things I learned in session was to pick my battles.  I can not solve everything… some things I will never be able to resolve.  But the most important point of this is that I have to pick which things I can improve, and which things I can’t improve.  But I also have to look to which things are more important – which will give back the most rewards.

A few months back in session, we worked out a plan for cutting back on things that were disproportionally stressful – things that cause way more anxiety than they were worth.  And that has been my approach the last several months.

It works great!!!  Now I am getting far more done on my own at home.  And with far less total anxiety.  This does not deal with my phobias, or depression, but it is mostly the anxiety the stops me.  So things have taken a decidedly positive turn in my mental life.

But there are other battles, and I am losing them.  Even my first success is falling into question.  I can not keep following that path.  I have to get “better” and get back to doing more – doing things I used to do.  So rather than moving forward, I now have to move back to putting more energy into going out for errands and such.

That means less energy for all other things… including the having fun part.  Once more into the breach… with no hope of success.

I have responsibilities that I can not ignore.  Not that I have actually ignored them.  I have been trying to obtain balance.  But I have to balance that with the lives of others as well.

So I need a totally new plan.  What I really need to do is be like I was 20 years ago… well… only the good parts of it.  I need to be able to DO more.  I will have to deal with the turmoil in my brain some other way.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel, is an Oncoming Train…

I need to stay home.

We have all figured that out by now.  I have about half the anxiety during the week if I do not have to do major shopping.  Got it…

My biggest problem right now though is that I no longer have a psychologist, and I no longer have any faith in the system.

So what do I do?

I Love my wife very much, and can not imagine life without her, but she does not understand the choices I have to make.  And she resents any change that makes her life more difficult.  She sees no need for any real lifestyle changes for the worse.

This is not because she is selfish.  She is actually a very giving person.  But… she does not understand the limitations imposed by anxiety, depression, phobias… and all sorts of social problems.  She does not see that simply getting older makes everything harder.

My increased physical issues are okay, but my mental decline is not.  I should still be able to deal with all the stresses, and anxieties, and depressions, I did when I was younger.  I can not decline.

Those are all things that cannot be solved just by wanting to… with a little effort… or with any amount of effort.  It hurts me when I think about the mental things I can’t do anymore.  It really is a terrible loss – I even often struggle to fully visualize 3D objects… and rotate them around.  It used to be easy.  My brain can not do what it could do 20 years ago.

It is nothing of anyone’s fault.  The great majority of people simply can not relate to any of it.  We are so far out of their experience, that they can not even imagine it.  So everything we say, can be dismissed… or worse.

But… I love her, so things go on, and will be really wonderful for us.  I just need somewhere else to connect with where I am, and can get help guiding me thru all the crap.  Right… I no longer have that person… sure, sure…

Life goes on.

These Long Days

I have had a lot of ups and downs the last week.  I am not sure why I have not written, except I have been really struggling with several issues.  The most direct is my growing slowly more depressed about problems I am dealing with at home.

There has been progress on some projects, but I am constantly dragged down by caring for sick animals – making sure they eat the right foods, and tube-feeding one cat.  But it does not stop there.  That is just how my day starts.

This whole situation with my former psychologist is eating at me more too.  I know I would find things easier if I still had session to talk about all the issues that swim thru my thoughts.  I do not have as much clarity of thought now.  I will figure out how to go forward, but for now I am still too hurt.

The main problem I am having is that I feel totally overwhelmed by everything happening, and I have nowhere to turn.  All I can do is push a little harder every day, to try to do the same things I did yesterday.  And I know tomorrow I will have to push even harder to do those same things yet again.

But every now and then, I break.  I fall apart for a while, then pull myself back together, and start going again.  It has left me feeling alone, tired, and empty. 

I have been able to fight off depression most of the time… and I am keeping my anxiety under control.  But the cost is staggering.  All I can do is keep pushing myself forward until I finally break down.