Tag Archives: crazy

Start With a Good Foundation

The first thing I need to do, is build a foundation.  It is very difficult to reach out when I can barely make it thru the week.  So my current effort is to get my environment more restful, and to start to feel better about being here at home.  I need to be able to relax more.  I need to use my energies more effectively.

Going out of town was a strange way to start that, but it did help.  I came home from Newport with more optimism, and hope.  Now I am trying to put that optimism to work, to help me here… where I live.

The idea is that I am wasting too much energy dealing with things around here to have the energy to go out – even for therapy. 

My office is very nice, but remains unfinished.  It is very close, but figuring out these last details is very draining.  And my efforts seem to go for nothing.  It is getting better.  I have been able to make a couple of moves this week, that will help.  It is important for me to keep moving.

There are obstacles… but I have seen them all before, and I need to slip by them and get some small things done.  I can do that!  It takes a lot of effort, but I can do some of the simpler things, and start to decrease how much effort those things will take. 

Just today (Saturday) I got some good little things done to help out in my office.  So I have had a good day!  I have done more than I would have expected.  Nice… Smile

Success decreases resistance.

I have to be careful to plan things out (way too much), to try to avoid wasting effort.  But the foundation I need is within my grasp.  Once my comfort level is up, it will be easier to take more chances.  Then I can get back into therapy, and more progress will be forthcoming.

Who Actually Believes?

Some people look at what I am able to do, and say I have done well.  Some say I have not, and it is all about my being lazy – I need to try harder, or push more.  And I am hoping most people are somewhere between.

Telling me to push myself more has no meaning.  There is no less.  If I did not push as much as I do, then I would not have survived.  That would have been the end of me.  So how much more can I try?

I know this is a very difficult thing to understand.  Most people have never experienced these kinds of internal horrors.  They are too far outside the norm.  And in my case, I was able to do many more things in the past, so why can’t I do them now?  It does not really make much sense… even to me.

It took a long time to come to recognize the reality of my mental state.  I no longer have the energy to fight as hard as I used to.  The things I used to be able to do, are in the past.  It is hard for me to think about all those things I used to do… but I have to move on.  I need to deal with the present.

So… try to understand.  And if you can not, then try to at least allow for the possibility it is something beyond your abilities to understand.

I Live the Week Alone

From Monday, thru Friday most every week, I am alone.  My wife travels, so she is not here.  She emails a bit, and that is nice.  But she has not called me during the week, for months.  She doesn’t want me to upset her.  I guess it’s okay.

So I have no affirmation of my life – except on Facebook.  I have to deal with everything around here on my own.  It is usually a struggle to just stay up all day.  So I do not get enough things done.  Lori does not like that.  I should be able to do all that stuff…

I must not be trying hard enough.  If it’s too late to plan something for tomorrow, then I just need to push more.  Right.  I can not go out on one days notice like that.  But “There’s absolutely no reason” why I can not just plan, and go.  Nope… I am not seeing that.

So here I am.  And here I will stay.  Though I am honestly beginning to wonder about the whole staying thing.

The Edge of Night

I am not talking about the old Soup Opera… but where I am.

The thing is that I am not sure if I am coming out of the darkness, or am just now entering it?  I am not sure I can tell the difference.  Is there a difference?

Things are going in the right direction – things are at least aimed in the right direction.  I have not actually moved much though.  I will.  But I am kind of in a holding pattern while I figure out the details.  This is not the fun part.

Here, I sit and try to get thru the day.  I fight to keep the anxiety down, and to keep from slipping into depression.  It takes way to much effort.  And interspersed within all this, I try to make sense of things happening around me.  I try to get a few little things done, and get a little closer to action.

I am not ready.

I am not sure I will ever be ready.  How much of a leap of faith can I handle?  And what will happen if it goes wrong?  There is no guarantee things will work out in my favor.  Not that I have much of a choice though…

My next step may get me back on the road to more inner stability and strength.  Or it may blast me out of the water completely.  And I would have to begin again.  I have no idea where I would turn.

So I am preparing myself for a crucial event… a potential turning point in my life.  One step that will change everything.  At least that is how it feels.

One step.

I Lived Hiding – Why I Write So Much

By that first part of the title, I mean, my life was hidden by a curtain I had learned to live behind from an early age.  I messed up one time I remember, in the second grade, and it still haunts me.  My existence depended on being able to act normal.  I knew I was not normal, but I thought it was because I was weak.  So the curtain came down, and got thicker.

As a teacher, a lot of what I was could come thru.  It helped me relate to students, and to see when to push, and when to let off.  But there was still a curtain between the observable me, and the real me.

So much hiding is what has lead me now, to so much NOT hiding.  Now I blast my thoughts and feelings out over the Internet.  This is the real me.  I have little to hide about what goes on in my brain.  I don’t care what people know about me… to a point.  And there are people reading what I write, and learning about the inside me.  I am out there folks… this is me.  If you doubt it, go away.

Don’t get me wrong… there is still a curtain… but it grows thinner with age.  And mostly remains about protecting the privacy of others.  That part of the curtain will always be there.

NOTE: I say “curtain” and not “wall”, because curtains move and shift with the breeze.  And that’s what happens in real life.

Crazy Is as Crazy Does

Now I have a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist.  Nice…  I have to see a psychiatrist to get my meds worked out.  My OD did not want to try more than we had – I get that.  So off to a psychiatrist I go to get my prescriptions, because my psychologist that I have been seeing for 8 years, can not prescribe meds.  She is a forensic psychologist too.

A couple years back there was a move in Oregon to allow some psychologists to prescribe… but it didn’t go anywhere.  There were too many lobbies against it.

Anyway… My first session there will be in about 2 weeks.  Then I can start trying to get my meds all worked out again.

So I guess this increases my Craziness Rating a bit.  I would put myself at about 62.  But I am no judge of such things.  I will leave that to others.

I have not had much depression the last week or so.  I have been able to get thru it, and move on fairly easily.  It does not last so long anymore.

And I have been getting along “okay” with my anxiety recently.  I have to work very hard at it sometimes.  It grinds me down.  So it is nice to let go and be a bit “crazy” for a while.  But don’t I rite good for a crazy guy?

 

Do People Think I Am “Crazy”?

That is the $64 question!  I think people don’t like to use the word “crazy”… though I think people think it a lot.  My behavior could easily be described as crazy to some people – perhaps many people.  So what does that mean to me?

I want to say, I don’t care.  But there are times when I want to do things with people, and I worry about this.  These Blogs could make some people think I am more than a bit off.

And maybe I am.  I don’t really know.  But at least I am open about it.  So I guess it does not really matter.

So on to more important things!

Cymbaline – Top Cat

Cymbaline… King Cat

Cats-1207a-0002

Okay… She’s a she, but we still call her King Cat.  She is the Top Cat in our house.  She gets what she wants.  Cymbaline is very talkative.  She meows when she is unset, and when she is happy.  If you pet her, she meows.

Cymbaline is very demanding… she wants things just the way she wants them.  And she will let you know when you slip up.  Don’t every forget to clean the litter box!

She is very small compared to the others… only about 9 pounds.  But stay out of her way, and don’t pick her up.  She loves to have her neck and head scratched, but she likes it a lot longer than you may want to do.  Then she will lie down next to you, and purr very loudly!

She learned how to floor surf when we lived in Yakima, and has taken it up again here.  She goes skidding across the floor, and puts her paws up just in time to stop herself at the frig.

I hate to say this, but she is my favorite kitty, even though she is so aloof.  But she is usually not very far away.

Lori just says Cymbaline is “Crazy”.