Tag Archives: crash

The Brakes Are Locked!

Inside, there are more forces holding me back from doing things, than pushing me to do more. It is made more difficult by not having others to talk to about things. Lori can do only so much. Isolation is not a solution to anything. And it saps away any incentive to do more.

One might think the accomplishment of doing things would be enough… one would be wrong. Most of my little accomplishments feel empty. There is no-one to share any of it with. I am trying to learn to do things just for me… privately. Most of the time, it works out just fine. Then I hit the Wall.

The Wall is an obnoxious period of time from about 1pm to as late as 5pm, when I tend to crash.

I get up about 3am – on good days – so approaching 12 hours, my motivation seems to all flow away. “Why stay up?”, becomes the only question. And all too often, I give in, and go to bed early… for 12 hours of “sleep”. One result is that I sleep too much. Sometimes I can’t tell if I am tired, or if my brain is giving out. I have no idea when I should go to bed, and when I should get up. Am I rested?

The more I do, the better I am. So I keep after it. Eventually, starting, and overcoming obstacles, becomes too much of a struggle.

Overall, I am getting better. But it is hard to see. And I have been fighting it for so long. There are decades lost. And I fear things will not get much better.

But I keep going.

Gibraltar Falls…

On me.

Events have not been moving in my direction.  I have dug myself into a position, where I am going to be forced into an attempted solution that I do not have much confidence in.  I do not know…

I am very confused right now.  It is early in the day, but I can not see any light.  My world keeps getting darker.

There are some very deep issues I need to deal with.  Until I do, I can not resolve many of the little issues – like how much I go out.  Yes, that is actually a little side issue.  It is a symptom, not a stand-alone problem.

The cart is before the horse.  I am in a position where I must resolve the symptoms before I can work on the actual internal problems.  I have been trying to do it that way for too long, and it is doomed to failure.  Things do not get better.

So I need to get back to working on what is really happening in my brain, in a way that can lead me out of this horror.  And I am going to have to do it completely on my own.  I do not know if I even can start.  Things have got so dark, that I have no hope left.

Here the big problem is that I am not sure how much I care any more.  I have been fighting this too long.  Every day I have to fight for control… to keep from crashing out entirely.  And I just do not have the energy to do more than just get thru the day.

It is not going to get better.

I Would Rather Have the Nightmares

All in all, I would rather face the nightmares of sleep, than my real world.  I do not belong here, but there is nowhere else to go.

Whenever I sit to write a Blog, I have to be careful… I have to filter what I want to say.  I leave out some important points because I do not want to upset anyone.  I have few enough friends as it is… I do not need to push any more away.

I do not have a plan.  I do not have any direction to go.  My biggest problem is that I lack a support system.  There is no-one I can turn to for support, and know it will be there.  Most of the time I have absolutely no support at all.  I have to get thru everything on my own – then try to take care of Lori’s needs when she comes home for the weekend.

On the weekends, I have to get even more done in order to reduce stress around here.  So there is never a time for me to get what I need.  And let’s face it, I need a lot.

Until I can build some kind of support structure under which I can have room to fall back if I need to, I can not take any chances that could disrupt my precarious balance.  So I wait.  I have been waiting for a long time.

Everyone has their needs.  When you have a stressful life, and work at a difficult job, you need time to relax and recover – weekends.  My life is… very stressful, and I do not get that weekend.  I understand.  Each of us has to find our own way of making it thru the hard times,  I have not found mine yet.

Time is growing short.  It gets harder and harder to take action.  The worse I get, the harder it is to take chances.  Then I become even more isolated.  It is a terrible cycle.  And it only gets worse.

So I sit here, as patiently as I can, waiting for the opportunity to come along.  But… it has to be a very solid base now before I can even plan a step.  It’s not going to happen.

And They’re Off and Running!

I realized just today, that one of the big problems I have with weekends, is that it’s a race – I need to have fun, before I have depression.  Once the depression starts, it’s all over.

Most times things do go bad it starts with very high anxiety.  That changes your blood chemistry – it’s like that moment when your body goes into Fight or Flight mode.  Except it lasts 10-30 minutes.

After that the body and mind sort of crash.  And suddenly I am totally set up for depression.  It does not always happen!

The nice thing about this blog is that having a better idea of what is happening, makes it easier to find a way of avoiding it!!  In this case, I see I need things to start with having fun – or at lest soon after the anxiety crash.  And it’s not as easy as it sounds!  Everyone would rather have fun!

But I keep inching forward… learning new things that make other things fit together better.  In that way, it’s just like Physics.

This actually came to me while I was commenting on a Facebook post!

A Really Bad Week… Last Week

Last week was a really bad week for me.  Early in the week I lost it, and over-reacted, and said some stupid things.  It left me drained and feeling very bad about myself.  But things just got worse…

Lori and I had a long planned trip to Seattle Friday.  I thought I could handle it, but was not feeling very positive about it.  But we went ahead and went.  That was probably the best thing… or so it seemed.

When we got there, I had to rest in the hotel while Lori went shopping.  I saved up my energy, and pulled myself together, and we went out to dinner.  But I crashed out again during dinner, and could not go to the Nutcracker…  To make this story shorter, I was not up to anything Saturday, and we came home.

I did nothing in Seattle… none of the things I had so long planned to do.  It was a disaster that left me feeling completely crushed.  I let us both down.

Today, Monday, I am feeling better, but not back to “normal” yet.  My anxiety took over, and the whole trip was a failure.  I don’t know what to think of it.  It makes me want to always just stay home – which is sort of what I want anyway, but I do try to have fun going places.  This will make it just a little harder.

I don’t have a solution… nor do I have a happy ending.  It is too soon to know what can be learned from this.  I just needed to write about it.  At least I don’t have to go anywhere overnight for another couple of months.

Thanksgiving… and Such

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was fun, but a bit subdued.  One person was elsewhere, and one important person was ill.  But everyone will be fine.  The food and company were great.

Needless to say, after everyone was gone, I crashed out.  I felt drained, and was in despair.  I felt horrible as the last bit energy drained away – it has been a stressful week.

I have been stretched thin by events, as have others.  And now I wish to relax, and try to rebuild some enthusiasm.

I have not written for a while because family events have taken my attention, and thoughts.  But all is well, or moving in that direction.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving…