Tag Archives: compulsion

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.

It’s the “O” in OCD!

Sometimes I see causes to stand up for… and I get a little obsessed with it.  I have to see it thru, and deal with all the little details of it.  I do not think I should give the consequences very much influence in deciding what to fight for.

I know I can get swallowed up in things for a short time.  Sometimes people see ulterior motives in my drive to push some cause… but I think it is the “O” in OCD driving much of what I do.  Or at least how hard I pursue it.

I am more Obsessive than Compulsive.  There are thoughts I have to think… they are called “rituals”.  On my way to get the mail, there is a little speech I have to say to myself… several times.  There are many of these.

The worst issue for me though is that once I have totally thought something out, if anyone raises an issue, or even asks a question, I have to rethink the whole thing.  As a scientist, I know how hard it is to truly know something.  But my OC thoughts drive me to rethink and rethink things well beyond the point of learning anything new.

It once took me 4 months to decide to change our phone plan – the cost was $7 a month.  But I had to be sure.  I am better now.  “Better” being a relative term.

Going over and over things sometimes pulls someone else into the picture – usually Lori – and they usually think what I am doing is crazy… or I must have some other goal in mind.

Nope… it is just one of my many mental disorders.  Anxiety pushes the buttons, and I keep thinking until well after things are over.  Hey… it’s what I do!  I get that people can find it overwhelming.  But I do it with almost everything!  Talk about overwhelming!!!  It can easily lead me into depression.

It is not my favorite thing.