Tag Archives: atychiphobia

Living in a Huge Shadow

I literally had teachers tell me I was not the student my sister was…

I have a One-on-One IQ of… well… all 3 tests were above —.  I am smart.  My mind can work so quickly, it astonishes me.  I can conceive/visualize in 4 dimensions.  But still… I have never been good enough.  My sibling could do everything well.  “They” had lots of friends.  So it was obvious that I should be the same.  I should follow in her (opps) footsteps.

Wow

My parents were always very supportive.  My mother and I became very close in her later years.  We literally talked about everything… and I do mean we talked about anything, and everything.  She really only listened to my advice.  And I think that was because we discovered we had the same mental issues.  Our brains went crazy in the same directions.  It created a bond.  We actually understood each other!!!!

But still today, most people think I need to meet their goals.  They know best.  So… why would I be alive again?

Levels of Success

A frequent issue I had when growing up, was that I could not ever live up the expectations of my older sibling.  If I set my own goals… and achieved them… it would not matter because I was not the one who set the goals.  My sibling did.  I could never be good enough.

40 years have taken away almost all my soul.  I try to take small steps forward… but I am still faced with the attitude that I am not capable of setting my own goals.  I must achieve the goal they set down, before I can be successful.  They will “not let me off the hook”, or will say other things, that ALL lead to the same basic concept… all I have to do is do more, or try harder.  I have to try harder, so I can meet their goals for me.

I have not even yet achieved my own goals… insisting I meet greater goals is purely… Try Harder… Do More…  And it also implies that I will not be accepted if I do not meet their goals, because I would not have tried hard enough.  Or, I may be “accepted”, but everyone also accepts that I just didn’t try hard enough.

My goals are never enough…

Finding Ways to the Center

I am feeling better today.  I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more.  There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.

HMS_Hood_(51)_-_March_17,_1924Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad.  And I am doing better this morning too.  Things will be fine.

There are times when I just can not keep up the fight.  The last few days have been one of those times.  It happens.  Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard.  Or… it means I have completely collapsed.  This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.

Does that make sense?

There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes.  My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru.  BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times.  I can recover and be just fine.  There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off.  It does help.

It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good.  It’s all part of the process.  Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going.  I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!

Oh the picture?  That is the HMS Hood.  It has nothing to do with the post.

After the Long Struggle…

The last couple of months have been very stressful.  Not just for me, but Lori is starting a new job this week.  And there have been all sorts of other issues to deal with as well.  So things have been really stressful for both of us.

relaxing-pictures-hammockNow comes that period, as things are settling down, that my brain starts to switch out of protective mood – a lot of energy has been going to fighting anxiety, and depression for too long.  Now that I can relax some, my brain takes the week off, and leaves me with virtually no protections.  My brain is on vacation.  I just don’t have the energy to fight it now.

My brain, and my mind, are not on the same page.  My physiological brain, wants to shut way down for a while to recover.  But my mind wants to take advantage of the improved conditions, and jump forward.  Unfortunately, my mind has to take into account the fact that I am really tired from so much stress over such a long period.  My brain wins.

OK… I know this is just my impression of what is going on, but it is easier for my to understand what is going on, if I think of my brain, and my mind, as being different things.  My brain is the more physical part – that’s where the chemistry is not quite right.  My mind is more the ethereal part.  That is the part that makes final decision, and tries to implement them.

My brain has gone on vacation… and I am having a lot of trouble handling anxiety and depression right now.

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

“I don’t want anything…”

I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

garden-party-table-close_horizIf there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

DSCF7224

Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada

A Pattern Develops…

What I am experiencing in my life now, is that same pressure that has pushed so many Depressives into solitude.  It does not matter that I would like to be social… I never can be.  So life is easier if I disappear.

I should have given up a decade ago.  There has never really been any chance of me having friends.  I can never fit in.  There was only a few years in my life when I did have friends… sadly, that was about when my brain started going really off.

When I try, something goes wrong… I end up just upsetting people.  And it pushes me a little farther away.  I get to where I do not want any interaction with people… that way they can’t let me down.  Except, it really is my fault.  I am the common thread.  I am the one who is different.  I am the one who doesn’t fit in.

I can not understand the way people react… or more commonly, don’t react.  My frustration at being isolated often overcomes me, and I go too far.  I have to stop trying.  I have to stay away from people as much as I can.

Maybe then I will find some peace and happiness.

Beware of the Agoraphobes Amongst Us

Yes… we are out there.  Most of us can push ourselves to go out.  That does not mean it was easy… it also does not mean it was not fun << Crap!  Done in by the old double-negative (like “non-fiction”).

Things can be fun, and even more draining than things that are not fun.  I can have fun.  But it can also cause anxiety – especially if it means challenging my boundaries.  And a LOT of things do that.

The BIGGEST PROBLEM is that once people see you out, they assume that’s it.  To most of them, you are now cured.  If you fall back, that works against you.  People do not see the cost of the effort to plan, and hope to go out, on any efforts to feel… good.

We can get very easily discouraged when others expect us to make more progress now, because we did so well……… so…… why should we try so hard… again?

Managing My Emotions

I do not control how strongly I feel my emotions.

10175036_684502278273955_1000793200_n

I stay home, and hide.

It is mostly an effort to keep emotions from swarming over me, and taking control of my life.  When I was young, I could control things a bit better… not a lot, but a bit.  Now I just want to find some peace in my mind… I want the emotions to roll back, and let me enjoy life.  And I can only do that here.

Today, I have to avoid as many emotional entanglements as I can.  It is a quiet life.  It is the only life I have found where I can relax much, if not most of the time.  I like my home.  I do not see it as a prison… though it feels like it some times.

Emotions swirl thru my mind, until all I can do is listen, or escape them.  I prefer to escape.  But that leaves me vulnerable to the emotions, actions, or whims of others.

So I am here.  And it can be a very nice life… very happy.  That ends up depending on the actions of others.

The most balanced times of my life, have been when I was truly alone… when I lived alone.  Even when I was teaching, I could go home.  There was a place for me.

And that is what I am building here.

Right now… I am sitting here with the lights low… candles and stained glass lamps.  A scented candle adds a pleasant aroma to the air.  My kitties around me.  It is a place of dreams… a place I can only hope will continue.

A place of Peace of mind.

No Good Thought Starts With…

“I need…” or  “I just…”

If I let my mind become too relaxed, and wandering, I can easily end up in bad places.  Bad thoughts…  And those thoughts usually start with the words, “I need” or “I just”.  After that, not many good things happen.

I am trying to catch myself when I think those words… I tell myself it will not lead anywhere productive.  So far this helps.  I know I need to change my thinking, and move on to something positive.  It helps.  Though it does take effort… and constant awareness.

Over the last few years, I have learned many little tricks, and things to look out for.  These 2 phrases are only the most recent.  I have found lots of little things to watch out for.  Do I have my wallet?  When I start getting too many OC behaviors, I know my anxiety is up.  That was one of the first things I learned to watch for.

A few months ago I caught the “I just” phrase, and then the “I need”.  Now… all these little “rules” add up, and can create their own stresses.  But overall, it helps to be aware of them.

I just stop myself, and start off on a new thought.  It does help.

Tell What, Don’t Ask

I got a very good grade in Cryptic 210.

If you want to give a piece of advice to friends of people with anxiety disorders – They should try saying what they are going to do, instead of asking what you want.

Asking creates anxiety – for me, I have to consider all the ramifications.

For Example:  One could say – I am going to start a fire, and move outside in about an hour… if you would like to join me…

Versus:  Do you want to go outside with me in about an hour?

The second one requires a tremendous about of thought for someone like me.  If I am not ready for this, it could cause me to crash.  If I have such a great responsibility, it will become undecidable.  There is not way to know enough to make the right choice.  But I am the one who has to decide the outcome…

In the first example… I can relax, and think about it for a while.  The more relaxed I can be, the greater the likely hood I will go along with the flow.

And I think there are a lot of people like me… Atychiphobia.  The fear of failure.  It means everything must be figured out, to the last detail.  Which of course, is impossible.  Crash.  Even if you deal with it, it drains.  You have to fight the fears, and push on.  There will be less energy for other things.

Every time you have to go thru this cycle, a little bit of energy is lost.  Hell… sometimes a LOT of energy is lost.  There is no predicting.  But… sooner or later, there will not be enough energy left to make it thru the next “situation”.  Some days we do better than other (of course), but there can be big swings.  Good days, and bad.

So PLEASE do not add to the burden by phrasing things in terms of a question.  We are not playing Jeopardy.  Except our own.

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

The Horror that is Dinner…

Sometimes I plan a nice dinner for myself.  And sometimes I actually make that dinner.  But usually, by the time evening rolls around, I am too tired – mentally tired.  Then I either don’t eat anything, or I eat whatever I can heat up.  This happened most days.

It is part of my life.  It is just something I have to live with.

Wednesday evening I was going to make a nice salmon dinner… with pot-stickers, and veggies.  It was going to be very good.  I had left-overs.  The night before, I did the same thing.  I miss out on a lot of nice dinners – I am a good cook.

How many of you know this feeling?

Sometimes by the end of the day, I am too worn out to read… or even watch TV.  I always look back on the day, and realize what I could have done.  There are so many missed opportunities.  That is the saddest part – my entire life amounts to a series of missed opportunities.