Tag Archives: anxiety

My Life’s Passion

As far back as I can remember, I have been Obsessed with efficiency.  Every movement is a test in efficiency.  How I do everything is carefully designed.  And there are so many outside intrusions – things I must think about.

This may be one of the reasons I like building scale models – there is an exactness to it that most hobbies do not have, (though some have more).  It is all about the detail.  It is impossible for me to do, or observe anything without thinking about how to make it better or more efficient.  Just ask Lori.

It is as fundamental a part of my life, as glass is to Dale Chihuly.  It is what my brain does best.  And it matters that it matter.

I design things in my mind… things I can make in my shop.  The design gets better and better – read that as fewer and simpler parts.  But I get to a Eureka point, where I know I am done.  Suddenly, I know the designing is the best I can make it… move on.  This is such a good feeling… it is like everything being perfect, all at once.

It can take a while to get there.  But the more freedom my mind feels, the more easily I reach that feeling.  It is a very good thing.

I am trying to change how I live, to make my life more conducive to that feeling.  Part of it is getting away from home, from time to time.  My hobbies are another big thing.  But whatever it is, getting to do those things, gives my mind the joy, and reassurance we all need.  Freedom of mind is very important.  It gives me Peace.

SOON:: Distractions of the Mind

Monday… Need I Say More?

Starting a new week is not so hard for me.  I am tired from stress, but I do feel as if the week carries a new alternative.  I could get off to a good start, and do more.

I have been working around the house more the last few months… trying to build more of a routine.  I think it has gone pretty well.  I have not made near as much progress on my own things – hobbies etc.  That does include a lot of projects for the house as well.  I have a wood and metal  shop in the garage… so I can make things.

I is difficult to get started.  I am still working on getting past that initial mountain of anxiety.  At the start of the day, it is hard to see the rewards… at least enough rewards to make it worth the effort.  Starting is my biggest struggle at times.  Like now.

Over the last couple of months, I have made some efforts to get out more… I have gone on a trip by myself!  My biggest disappointment has been attempts to go out for lunch… beer… or whatever with other people.

When I work on plans to get out more, things become very limited.  I can go shopping, and on photo trips.  But there is no-one to do other things with, so there are not a lot of choices.  I suppose it’s all for the best – I do better staying home.  So I am trying to think of more things I can do by myself.

This is all a matter of reorienting my life – at least parts of it.  Sometimes it seems too late for all that… we will see.

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.

That One Big Decision that Changes Our Lives…

I was a machinist… and I hated it.  But it was not the job I hated.  There was no real intellectual stimulation – it was not difficult enough.  I got to a point where I needed to make a decision.  And one of those, would lead to another such decision…

I had to decide if I wanted to go to a technical school, and get thru a program.  I would have done very well.  And I have always liked working on things.  I think I could have got into design.  And it would have paid pretty well too.

Or I could finish my Math degree, and get a teaching certificate… It would cost a lot more to get thru, and take longer.  The other big thing was that I would make a lot less money.  And I always felt it important to have my space be right for me.  So teaching it was.

First I had to get thru my Degree program.  I finished very well, and enjoyed finally getting my Math degree.  It became known to me that several big companies were offering nice contracts to Math students.  This was my second big decision.

But I had always liked the idea of teaching.  I thought I would be good at it.  And I think I was.  My father said we all have a duty to give back.  Though he did not like to define “give back”.  I wanted to teach.

It was the greatest experience in my life.  I have many fabulous memories… they will last me my entire life. Smile

I think I made the right choices.

So… How Am I Really Doing?

I put on a good show… even in therapy.  I am always in a “better” mood when I talk, or share about myself.  Yup… When I am feeling worse – more normal – I do not communicate much at all.  I learned a long time ago that people do not want to see the truth if they think there is nothing they can do.

So this is Me Lite. 

I make plans as if I am actually going to follow thru.  Every evening I think about what I could do tomorrow.  It almost never happens.  I can not go places, or accomplish things at home.  Everyday I struggle to get up, and get going.  I probably would not if it weren’t for the kitties – they need feeding, and one needs meds.

It is all I can do to get thru most days.  Anxiety and depression take a constant toll.

But it’s not like I have a lot of options.  There is more I need to do – it just takes more planning and energy than I have.  I want to be able to relax more, but having actual fun seems out of reach.  It does not happen very often.  Most days I just get thru…

Maybe I am better, but I am not seeing it.

For Lack of a Nail…

There is so little joy in this life.  There is the struggle over whether it is even worth the effort.  I have lived my whole life looking forward to the day when things would finally start to be easier… and more fun.  It is always just out of reach.

One day, I will either make it, or finally come to realize there is no hope.  Someday, the effort will exceed the potential reward.  It already feels that way some of the time.

Life becomes hopeless. 

But I keep moving “forward”.  I keep trying.  I know going forward is my only hope.  So I can push thru the days, and seek out the little joys I find.  Look around – there are good things in every moment.  Find them.

I have my kitties… and my hobbies… and the weekends.  There is a constant flow of good things it see, and feel. The “nail” is everywhere, if I look for it.  And that is where I can start to build.  The dark days pass, and there is always light.

Never give up for lack of a nail.

Newport, Oregon…

This is the bed in the Jules Verne Room at the Silvia Beach Hotel.…

DSCF1221

This is one of the rooms I like to stay in when I go to Newport.  This is my place to escape from reality – literally as well as figuratively.  There is a large squid tentacle coming out of one wall though…

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

The Horror that is Dinner…

Sometimes I plan a nice dinner for myself.  And sometimes I actually make that dinner.  But usually, by the time evening rolls around, I am too tired – mentally tired.  Then I either don’t eat anything, or I eat whatever I can heat up.  This happened most days.

It is part of my life.  It is just something I have to live with.

Wednesday evening I was going to make a nice salmon dinner… with pot-stickers, and veggies.  It was going to be very good.  I had left-overs.  The night before, I did the same thing.  I miss out on a lot of nice dinners – I am a good cook.

How many of you know this feeling?

Sometimes by the end of the day, I am too worn out to read… or even watch TV.  I always look back on the day, and realize what I could have done.  There are so many missed opportunities.  That is the saddest part – my entire life amounts to a series of missed opportunities.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.