Tag Archives: anxiety

Thanksgiving and Other Holidays

This time of years brings many extra stresses for me, and a lot of people like me.  It should be more fun than it is.  But there are a whole slew of added anxieties over the next month and a half for those of us with anxiety, and depressive disorders.

Today I am already feeling close to crashing out about the whole thing.  There are many things I have to get done, on top of the regular holiday stresses.  And I am not holding up very well even at this early point.

If it were up to me, things would be different – don’t ask me how.  I can not escape the anxiety, and there will be depressive periods as well.  There are things I still need to do to get ready… let alone to get myself ready!  I am not looking forward to much of it.

There are people worse off – many are alone, and trying to go thru all these issues on their own.  They can look out at the world, and feel completely isolated.  It can feel as if there is nothing in all this celebration for them.  I have often been there myself… and still am at times.

I do have some support thru this time, but it will still test my brain, and my endurance.  It will be fun, but that does not diminish the anxiety, or take away the depressive periods even for me.  There will be stress for everyone, so I will be a little more on my own than usual… I will make it thru.

Please be kind, and try to be understanding of people you know who may have extra struggles this time of year.  It’s not that we hate it, or want it to go away.  But there will be more times when we are just trying to get by.  Have patience, and remember we just want to have fun too.

Why Have I Got Worse?

Some aspects of my life have got worse over the last 10 years.  But it’s sort of a trade – other things are a lot better.  I’m not sure it’s a fair trade, but it is working for me.

There are things I used to be able to do, that are totally out of reach to me now – like teaching.  I gave teaching my all, and there is nothing left for that kind of activity.   I can not deal with being around groups of people, let alone in front of them talking.

I used to be able to go out more – shopping and such.  Now it’s all very complicated, and requires planning.  Even then, there are limits to what I can do, and where I can go.

But I gained something too – I am now much more comfortable, and “happy” at home.  I am happy with where I am in my life.  My personal live exists now… not so much before therapy and meds.  I am more than comfortable, and enjoy my home, and can socialize from here.

The whole time I was teaching, I did not have a social life… it’s much better now!  I have on-line friends, and get out enough to feel satisfied.  The trips we go on are more fun, and fulfilling.  What I can do, is pleasant, and helps me deal with other issues.

Basically I made a really good trade.  Things are more relaxed, and I have much more peace of mind.  I like it.  I wish I could have found this earlier in my life, but I am not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth!

My Evening Low

Almost every day, I have a late afternoon low… sometimes I crash out completely.  But usually I can get thru it.  It comes at that time when I realize I have not got as much done as I should have, and that time is running short on getting more done.

It does not mean I will jump up and get at things.  Usually it means I will have to work very hard to just remain up, and be active at all.  The best thing to do is to try to ride it out.

Most days I feel like I have failed… like I did not do well enough.  It’s a struggle to keep going, and I have been struggling all day with each little thing I have done.  I have overthought each item, and stalled because of it.  I stop and restart… and stop again.

It just ends up leaving me feeling worse as the evening goes on.  Including this evening.  I am having a difficult time right now.  I don’t know if I should go to bed, or cry, or what.  Maybe I will just “what”.

It’s hard to describe… thoughts swirl thru my brain faster than I can keep track of.  I can’t keep up, and anything positive I think of, is lost.  Though the negative aspects hang on.  They are always there.

Swirling thoughts, and surging emotions swamp out all reason, and it takes hours to recover… if I do.

Thinking About Where I Am

So here I am, half way thru the weekend.  I have slept about “normally” – at least for me.  I have been awakened by nightmares several times each night… average.  I have had too much anxiety… about average.  And I am wondering what it means to be “happy”.  I wonder about that a lot.

Most of the time I am just waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed.  Of course that will lead to nightmares… I don’t know which is worse.  Actually, I do.  The being up and awake is worse.  Because it is real.

There are things I do… mostly things that have to get done.  Other that those, most of my time is just trying to hold things together.  I am often on the verge of tears.  I can’t be happy, and do fun things.  I just need to get thru the day.

Motivation is a huge problem – I don’t have any personal motivation.  I can shop… clean (some)… and do the basic things to take care of myself.  But I have to be alone.  Not just by myself, but alone.  I can not have close friends.  The closest I get are my Facebook friends.  I can not socialize with others.

It’s okay… at least I am able to stick around. 

So being asleep is the best thing – even with the nightmares.  Being awake and alone is my next best state.  Going out to run errands is tolerable about half the time – sometimes Lori has to do the shopping because I can not go out.  Going out with friends, or having friends over are just out of the question.

“Alone” means more than being by myself.  I can not even do things for myself.  I can not hobby (which is not a verb, but used as one here), or work on my things.  These are the normal days.

There are good days too.  I have even gone out of photo shoots by myself!  I have worked on projects, and hobbies.  But those are the exceptional days.  Depression is not as common as it used to be.  Things are even worse when I am depressed.  It will get better… we do always end up getting better. 

Was the Trip a Failure?

I did not go to the grocery store.

I know I am not very good at going out by myself… but I thought I could go 2 places.  I had a great amount of anxiety on the way to IKEA.  There were many times when my brain wanted to turn around and come back home.  I did make it there, but that was just the beginning.

I had a break down moment (or 5)… the anxiety gets so great, my brain tries to shut down.  Basically my brain tries to make me sleep.  I become extremely drowsy, and my eyes get hard to keep open – not a good scenario when I am driving.  But I can shake it out fairly easily.

This usually happens at home… or when I am at some place.  At IKEA I had the same experience, but it’s easier to deal with when I am walking around.  I was able to get everything I wanted there, but at times I was not so sure.

Coming home I just could not stop at the store… I could not do it.  I failed to finish my errands.  So I am feeling very down about that.  I am still feeling pressure to go to bed.  I am fighting with my own brain.  That’s just not right!

It has been harder to go out the last few months.  I am still trying to figure things out.  But there are things I have to do.  There are things I have to go out for… I need to do better!

Nightmares

I frequently have terrible nightmares, that leave my shaken, and shaking for hours.  It happened last night.  Usually my nightmares are about my life… often for some reason I have had to go back to high school, and graduate again.  I of course struggle, and am sometimes trying to teach as well.

My most common nightmare is about teaching – especially about having to teach classes I know nothing about.  And/or being totally unprepared for the classes I know.  These dreams go back to when I was teaching – especially bad during the weeks before school opened in September.  I have had problems with all kinds of nightmares for over 30 years.

Last night’s was very unusual – it was about observing an alien invasion of Earth.  I was in a position to affect who would be allowed to live.  Enough said.  I can get over the unusual nightmares more easily than the ones about teaching.  In those I am always a failure, with many people pointing it out to me.

They usually occur right before it’s time to get up, so I remember them especially well.  And I wake up during the nightmare, and fall back asleep resuming right where I left off.  Sometimes I dream I have woken up, and real life gets mixed into the nightmare.  There are times when I am not sure if I am awake, or still dreaming.

It’s not fun.  I am a med that for a while helped, but I guess my brain got accustomed to it, and it no longer helps.  So I just have to deal with it.  Fun…

I Became a Shadow…

It is hard to be treated as no-one.  I grew up being treated as someone who was getting it all wrong.  I was treated as if everything I believed in, did not matter.  How I was behaving was wrong, from the start, with no consideration.  I had to live by someone else’s rules.  But I was never able to live up to that standard… because that was not me.

And of course, it did not work well for me.  And it does not work any better today.  When people treat me differently… for whatever the reason… I feel that past creeping into my life.  It does not matter who I am, it only matters how I behave.  I can not live that way.  It almost destroyed my life.  I am not always as I appear to be… no-one is.

I work very hard at treating everyone the same as I have always.  I can not understand their situation if I predetermine how things will go.  I am not always successful… but I try.  I know I should not treat people by my simple interpretations of how they are behaving.  I wish I could do better at doing this.  It’s not fair to presume how people will behave because of outside circumstances.

I try.  I want to treat people according to who they are on the inside – always.  Not according to how they may be reacting to things I can’t know.  Everyone has issues going on in their brains, that I can not possibly know about… no matter how close we may be.

I lived as a shadow of what I could have been in my life.  I will not ever attain what I could have done.  I am what I am, and treating me otherwise will result in a disconnect.  I have been thru enough.

SO… I will NOT be treated differently than I am.  No-one has the perception to know where my brain is.  Listen.

 

NOTE:: There are some issues I have a hard time being patient with no matter what.  Politics can be one of them.  I do not have the strength to fight some battles.  I pick and choose.

 

Halloween and Me

Halloween… I used to really like it… when I was a kid.

Now Halloween just shoots my anxiety thru the roof.  It’s been like that for a long time, and does not get any better.  I use extra meds, but it does not help much.  I usually turn off the lights, and hide.

There is candy to hand out, but I will probably have to wait for Lori to get home before I can do anything.  And I feel very bad about it.  I am letting the kids down.

It’s probably not as bad as it seems to me, but that thought does not help me feel any better.

The “S” Word

For me, there is a word I write frequently in my journal, and think even more often, that I don’t like!  It makes my anxiety go up just to think it.  It makes me want to run and hide my brain.  It is a horrible word for me… the “S” word.  The word is “should”.

What “should” I do today… what ‘”should” things all look like.  How “should” I respond… or feel… or think.  It is a word that can send me into a crashing dive.

Every day, I think and write about what I “should” do.  It leads me into a pit.  It makes me feel like I have already lost… I have already failed.  What “should” I do?  I can almost never live up to that.  It means I can not do enough even before I start.

Even now, it is making me feel bad.  I can’t even write about it without feeling that anxiety, and failure.  Right now I am feeling like not writing any more… but I “should”.

I don’t know if everyone has such a word… but I doubt it.  When I hear it, I feel myself declining.  I can feel myself falling into the pit of failure.  I can not do what I “should” do.

Some things I can’t do for physical reasons.  My knees, back, shoulder, toes, thumb, and fingers make it hard, or painful to do many things.  I know I “should” do some things, or be able to do some things… but I can’t.  I try to treat my pains, and do what I can.  But it can be very frustrating having to deal with it everyday, all day long.

But most of the time when I “should” do something, and don’t, it’s because of mental issues – my brain is not my friend.  I can not explain this to someone who has never experienced it, but sometimes I simply can not get myself to do what I “should”.

Sometimes I try to avoid the word… sometimes I try to push myself to face it.  Neither works.  It’s a bad word.

Session – Oct. 24, 2012

I had session today – the first in three weeks!  I have been trying to go more than that over the last few months, but I was not too bad off before this session.

Mostly we talked about where I am with my meds, and how to handle my increased anxiety and OC behavior.  Since I am on new meds, I am waiting a few more weeks to let things settle in before deciding on taking more.  So far I think I will need it…

So I am having to go back, and relearn some of the relaxation techniques I learned 6-7 years ago.  I got out of the habit of working on those so much.  And now I am back at it.

I am now having more anxiety before I go out – anticipatory anxiety.  And it can be a real problem!  Sometimes I feel like I can’t even get out the door.  And planning can be a challenge.  I have to be careful to not push myself too much, or I will completely fall apart and not be able to go at all.

Once I do get out the door, my anxiety moves over to the normal phobia type… I have to deal with the real fear of actually being out in the world.  It gets worse or better depending on where I am going, and what I will do there.  Familiar places are not too bad – unless they are like the dentist etc. 

Currently, I am having significantly higher anxiety of both types.  It is harder to think about going out; to get ready to go out; and to actually get out the door.  And while I am out, the anxiety is worse than it has been in years.  I have generally been able to fight thru it because I have learned that it will pass, and I know I will get thru it.  That is not enough, but it helps…

So I come home more drained, and feeling flatter.  It takes a lot longer to recover.

Now I am working on resurrecting some of the techniques I learned years ago when my anxiety was uncontrolled.  Mostly I am trying to take deep breaths and relax my brain – that does involve needing to be somewhat alone, but it helps.  And I am paying more attention to planning simpler trip.

All in all, it works… but I need session to rehearse some of these relaxation methods.  And I will be bringing back more home tricks I used in the past – that will leave me more energy for going out.

It’s going to take some time… but it will work!

Empty Brain…

My brain is not working very well today.  I don’t know where it is all coming from, but I feel unable to do anything.  My mood is very Fragile, and I can’t control my thoughts. 

I feel angry, and sad, and confused… I should just have stayed in bed today.  I am of no use to anyone like this.  It seems like everything has been going wrong.  My pain is not under control, and I have nothing to deal with it when it is really bad.

And I have been letting down Lori and everyone else I deal with.  My brain sometimes just gets so empty…

After a Trip

After Lori and I go on a trip, there is the inevitable crash.  We got home Monday… yesterday I was feeling tired and stressed.  Today I am depressed and on the verge of crashing out completely.  I should be better tomorrow.

But this part of traveling is my least favorite.  Before we go, I have to go thru a lot of anxiety about being away from home.  It is difficult to get thru, and Lori has to deal with it.  But it’s not really as bad as the after trip crap I have to deal with.

I don’t get to savor the fun… I don’t get to feel all rested and happy about the great trip – not until several days later anyway.  When Lori comes home from work-travel, we will be able to talk about the fun plays and all, and it will be good again.  But there are always those few days right after the trip where I have to feel like my world is falling apart… for no reason.

This will pass.  The really bad times always do… I know that.  Thru session, I have learned that I always get better.  That’s a thing about humans – if we give ourselves half a chance, we always get better.  And I know I will to.

But for today… I am very low, and depressed, and wanting to just hide away and pretend the rest of the world is not there (except my Facebook friends).  Even being on line is difficult though.  I just want to hide.

My Social Life as a Teacher

I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years.  It was in many ways the height of my life.  I fulfilled my obligation to give back to society more than I got from it.  But I had virtually no social life during that time.  I went out with other teachers on my own, only 5 times during those years – twice with administrators.  I think I went to one Christmas party.

I did go to many of the year-end parties… but that was a time when I was letting go of myself, and many of my normal defenses were down.  It was fun though!  I even went with Lori once!  But that was not really me.

All I did was teach.  I had not had a real social life since 1977.  And that was all I could do… teach.  It was all my fault of course… no-one pushed me in any direction… it was just me.  There are many things I could have done to make my life better.  But I did not.

There are some people from all these years that I feel closer to.  Most don’t know it.  There are people I miss… they don’t know that either.  I missed out on some great opportunities to develop very close, lasting friendships.  It could have left me much better off than I am now.  I probably would have taught for 2-3 more years if I had had that support while I was there.

But I did not do anything to make that happen… so it didn’t.  I am not complaining.  I know it is all my own fault, and my own responsibility.  All I can do now is try to make as much of my current life as I can.

I have one close friend… from my archery days.  (I am not counting family members, and I have found a sister there)  And he has always been there for me… even when we didn’t talk for years.  I wish he lived closer – he knows that.  But he is in Seattle.  We have been friends since 1976 – that’s a long time.  We have been through a lot together really.

Anyway… this rambling Blog has gone on too long – I try to keep them short.  These are just a few more of the things I have to think about.  And as an agoraphobe, I have a LOT of time to think.

Happy Anxiety

Yes… it is possible to be happy and have a lot of anxiety.  That’s how I spent much of the last 3 days.  We were in Ashland, OR seeing a whole bunch of plays!  And we had a great time.  But I had a lot of anxiety almost the whole time.

It was tiring.  Though it should have helped me build energy, I feel depleted.  I am an introvert, so when I interact with people – even when it is fun – it drains off energy.  I have never been able to go to a party, and get energized.

I know all this… but I did not always.  When I was young, I was surprised at how I felt after a party or such.  To the point where I basically stopped going to them.  In college I had gradually become more social, only to completely crash out of it.  A lot of people wondered what was going on… some people thought I considered myself to be better than everyone else.

Actually, I thought everyone was better than me!  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And that may be the main reason I have not made any new friends to socialize with since about 1977 (not counting Lori).  I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years without making any new friends.  This was mostly because I was virtually always too burned out to socialize.  Just teaching took it all out of me.

So I am tired, and feeling very drained after our fun trip to Ashland.  It was great… but I need some major recovery time.

New Anxiety Meds

I can tell my new meds are not as good at handling anxiety.  This trip has been very difficult – though fun!  My anxiety has been running very high.  I could not do this without Lori being here.  But they are new meds… so they need time to settle in.

This was always a possibility with the new meds though.  I have been on them for a bit over a month… they are working very well when I am home.  It will be difficult to get some of it right because I will not be going on another trip for several months.  My trips are so far apsrt I can’t really gauge anything by them.

Anyway… we are having a good time, and Lori is helping me manage my anxiety so I don’t go running out of restaraunts and such!