Tag Archives: anxiety

And It’s New Meds Again!

I was finally able to see a psychiatrist today.  Just to refresh your brains… my current doctor decided I needed to go to a specialist for further meds changes.  This was after she changed me from Lexapro to Cymbalta.

Now, I will transition back to Lexapro.  We know that works, though my psychiatrist thinks it will not work well enough for me.  But I want to get myself stabilized before trying anything else.  It would appear I am a tough case… nice.

I am also going to probably have to change my Bupropion.  But that will come later too.

These meds transitions are not very pleasant.  There can be all sorts of side affects, as well as making my emotions dance a bit too much.  Actually, it can mess up my brain in a lot of fun ways.  It can make life interesting.

Also the Lexapro will give me mild headaches for a couple  of weeks – to a month.  That is the only side affect I have had.

I just think it would have been really nice if my doctor had sent me to a psychiatrist last Summer when all this started.  But I guess it’s better now than never.  She just did not listen quite closely enough to me.  It was my decision to give the change a try.  However I got here, it will not be very fun for a while.

I will be continuing to see my regular psychologist as well.

Stay tuned!

Where to “Go” Now

I was scheduled to see a psychiatrist this morning to work on my meds.  I got to a point where my regular doctor felt I needed to see a specialist.  I have a psychologist, but she can not prescribe the meds I need.

But earlier this week, I got to the point where I knew I could not go.  I cancelled.  I had to.  I can not go out on my own.

Now I am locked in a struggle to figure out what to do next.  The problem is that the issue I have is not about going to a psychiatrist, it’s about continuing to see my regular doctor.  There have been issues.

If I decide to get a new doctor, then I have to wait for the psychiatrist until after I would see the new doctor… after I find one.  So I may be delayed…

So I am stuck.

My Little Life at Home

I can not go anywhere by myself.  No matter how long I think about it, or how I rationalize things… I can not go out on any errands by myself.

Coming to this realization has been no easy trek.  I have turned it around in my brain, and tried to make sense of it.  But it just is what it is… my anxiety has taken a greater control over my life than I would like.

I am planned a fun weekend, but I can not get to the store.

I have not been thinking very clearly the last few weeks, and I would like to get better.  I can’t.  This has even kept me from blogging (if that is a word).  I will try harder to keep up on my blog now…

I canceled my scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist to work out my meds, because I can not decide what to do about my doctors.  I will write more about that – at least I plan to.

So I can’t do what I need to do to fix my anxiety, because of my anxiety.

Crazy Is as Crazy Does

Now I have a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist.  Nice…  I have to see a psychiatrist to get my meds worked out.  My OD did not want to try more than we had – I get that.  So off to a psychiatrist I go to get my prescriptions, because my psychologist that I have been seeing for 8 years, can not prescribe meds.  She is a forensic psychologist too.

A couple years back there was a move in Oregon to allow some psychologists to prescribe… but it didn’t go anywhere.  There were too many lobbies against it.

Anyway… My first session there will be in about 2 weeks.  Then I can start trying to get my meds all worked out again.

So I guess this increases my Craziness Rating a bit.  I would put myself at about 62.  But I am no judge of such things.  I will leave that to others.

I have not had much depression the last week or so.  I have been able to get thru it, and move on fairly easily.  It does not last so long anymore.

And I have been getting along “okay” with my anxiety recently.  I have to work very hard at it sometimes.  It grinds me down.  So it is nice to let go and be a bit “crazy” for a while.  But don’t I rite good for a crazy guy?

 

Do People Think I Am “Crazy”?

That is the $64 question!  I think people don’t like to use the word “crazy”… though I think people think it a lot.  My behavior could easily be described as crazy to some people – perhaps many people.  So what does that mean to me?

I want to say, I don’t care.  But there are times when I want to do things with people, and I worry about this.  These Blogs could make some people think I am more than a bit off.

And maybe I am.  I don’t really know.  But at least I am open about it.  So I guess it does not really matter.

So on to more important things!

Past Christmas…

We are all past Christmas… for some of us it’s a relief.  I had fun, and it was a nice Christmas day… but I am still glad it’s gone by.  There is too much stress around the day.

A couple of days ago I went back to session… for the first time in about 2 months.  We are working on changing the dynamics of session to make it work better for me.  Things change with time, and I need different kinds of support.  I am sure I will be writing more about that when I feel better.

For now… I am in a pretty low mood, and I am not up to writing much.  Maybe in the next few days.  I am in a depressive mood, and need time to recover.

The New Year will be upon us soon, and that will be fun.  There is a lot less stress about it.  We will have some good food, and stay home – that’s my favorite thing!

I hope it will lead to me also feeling better about writing blogs…  Until then, I will keep it short.

Not in the Christmas Spirit

I am not in the Christmas spirit… and I will not be.  Maybe the day after Christmas I will feel happy, and relaxed.  But for now I just have to get thru it.  I do not have family, or friends.  Lori has gone out 2 evenings this week for Christmas get-togethers with her friends.  Agoraphobes don’t have friends to get together with.

This whole season seems designed to make a big show of how alone I am.  Nice. 

It will be okay, and I will have some fun moments.  But it is so very draining.  I will spend most of today in bed… I already have.  That’s about the best I can do.

I know there are others like me, and I hope they can hang in there too.  It will pass soon enough, and we can get back to our normal lives… such as they are.

Bad Things Come in Twelves…

And the news just keeps getting better.  My anxiety is still high… my new meds are not doing enough.  So I contacted my Dr. about it, and she has decided I need to see a psychiatrist to get my meds works out.  so I have to find, and go to a new person to get my meds figured out.

I get it that a psychiatrist is better trained to be able to find a solution, but I hate the New Meds Rollercoaster.  There are so many ups and downs during the process…  So it may be a good thing, but it sure does not feel like it.  It’s hard enough to just go out… but going out by myself to see someone new takes time and preparation.

And there will be the new meds to get used to.  And then there is the inevitable dose issues, and whether it’s even the right medication.  I already went thru this for a few months earlier this year.  If you have been thru it, you know how bad it can be.  the idea that it will help in the long run is no conciliation.

I have been feeling depression taking hold ever since I got the news.  I really hate this.

A Really Bad Week… Last Week

Last week was a really bad week for me.  Early in the week I lost it, and over-reacted, and said some stupid things.  It left me drained and feeling very bad about myself.  But things just got worse…

Lori and I had a long planned trip to Seattle Friday.  I thought I could handle it, but was not feeling very positive about it.  But we went ahead and went.  That was probably the best thing… or so it seemed.

When we got there, I had to rest in the hotel while Lori went shopping.  I saved up my energy, and pulled myself together, and we went out to dinner.  But I crashed out again during dinner, and could not go to the Nutcracker…  To make this story shorter, I was not up to anything Saturday, and we came home.

I did nothing in Seattle… none of the things I had so long planned to do.  It was a disaster that left me feeling completely crushed.  I let us both down.

Today, Monday, I am feeling better, but not back to “normal” yet.  My anxiety took over, and the whole trip was a failure.  I don’t know what to think of it.  It makes me want to always just stay home – which is sort of what I want anyway, but I do try to have fun going places.  This will make it just a little harder.

I don’t have a solution… nor do I have a happy ending.  It is too soon to know what can be learned from this.  I just needed to write about it.  At least I don’t have to go anywhere overnight for another couple of months.

It’s Been a While

I have not blogged in several days… I have been feeling very low, and writing has not been any kind of priority.  I have spent most of today in bed, and have not been able to clear my mind of negative thoughts.

I have had a lot of physical pain recently.  I can only manage about an hour and a half on my feet before my knee hurts too much.  Last night it hurt so much I had to go to bed early – it’s the only thing that helps.  But it’s very discouraging.  today I have stayed off my knee, but my back has been hurting.

We set up our Christmas tree, and decorated much of it last night… though I was not able to help much.  I should have done more today during the day… but I could not stay up.

Who knows about tomorrow… I can’t even think about it.  All I can think about are all the things that have gone wrong throughout my life.  I won’t go into that now…

The Pit…

Almost everyone who reads this will try to understand it, and most will think they have done that.

But they do not.  And there is a very simple reason for that – they have not been there.  If you have not been in the Pit, then they can not fully understand.  That does not mean they can not help.  They just don’t get it.

Everyone who has been there knows what the Pit is.  There are other names for it… but they all mean the same thing.

It is a deep dark place, that holds no hope, no potential, no future, no chance of help, no-one to share, it is a place of total isolation.  There is a vacuum of emotion, and a lose of how one could feel.  It is nothingness personified.

I am talking about the depths of where the human mind can drop… not morally… not spiritually… not even intellectually… but it is just a Pit… with no way out, except time.  We wait for time to rescue us.

 

Motivation is a Big Issue

I struggle to be motivated enough to much of anything most days.  And why should I do anything, when it usually goes wrong?  Or I end up hurting someone, or letting someone down?  So why is lack of motivation a problem?

At least those are some of the questions that run thru my mind.  There are many more…  But motivation is a huge issue for me.  Anxiety, depression, fears, and more all drain away what motivation I might start with.  At night, I do very well at planning what to do the next day.  That does not mean it will happen.  It usually doesn’t.

Once I get going, I can accomplish a lot.  I have a complete wood, and metal shop in the garage.  I can make most anything.  And I am fairly good at it too – I was a journeyman machinist for 4 years!  And I like making things.

But I have to get started.  And therein lies the catch.  I have spent the lion’s share of my life believing I can not succeed – no matter how well I plan, I will fail.  That is not a productive attitude.  I can intellectualize that is not true.  I do usually succeed.  But emotions and fears can swamp any logic I use.

So what do I do?  Usually I sort of wait to have the motivation just hit me.  The key there is to not ignore it, or give the negative feelings time to build up.  It works pretty well when things are all set to go.  The only real stopper here is when there are things I have to move, or clean up, or such before I can even start – that gives the negative feeling too much time to grow before I can actually start my project.

There is usually a very narrow window to getting started, and I have to be ready for it.  I am trying to learn how to recognize this situation, and how to look for, and be ready for acting when the mood does hit.

There are so many things to learn.  I feel as if starting about 8 years ago, I have been finally learning how to live with who I am.  It has gone very well at times, and not so well at others.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Motivation is a tough one because there are so very many thing that affect it.  I don’t often see things coming.

I have to just be ready for the feeling to hit at any time.  At least I don’t usually miss it.

Thanksgiving… and Such

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was fun, but a bit subdued.  One person was elsewhere, and one important person was ill.  But everyone will be fine.  The food and company were great.

Needless to say, after everyone was gone, I crashed out.  I felt drained, and was in despair.  I felt horrible as the last bit energy drained away – it has been a stressful week.

I have been stretched thin by events, as have others.  And now I wish to relax, and try to rebuild some enthusiasm.

I have not written for a while because family events have taken my attention, and thoughts.  But all is well, or moving in that direction.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving…

Follow-up For Those in Pain

I am here… I am retired, and spend almost all my time at home.  If you are struggling, and need someone to just listen, or read what you have to say, I am here… 24/7.

Seriously, I have been thru the holiday season in just about every mental state – from completely crashed out, to having a fairly good time.  And I can listen.