Tag Archives: anxiety

He’s Making a List, and Checking it 834 Times….

Well… maybe not 834 times, but each of my lists contain things that have to be very carefully thought out – whether it’s a shopping list, or a to-do list.  I don’t even write something down unless I know what it means.  And to me, the includes knowing every step to completing that one thing.

It works.  I can work off the list, and not get too anxietied out by having to figure things out as I am working.  That is the worst thing that can happen, because it drain energy very quickly… I may not even be able to finish that one thing.

This all works for me.  The process is reasonable, lowers anxiety, and gets things done. 

The problem comes when suddenly I have to add something important to the list.  This does not work very well.  It means I have to think thru something new.  Often I do not have time to think it thru thoroughly.  But if I don’t have time for that, it can make the whole house of cards fall in.

And if the new item has too many things that have to be figured out, it can make everything fall apart even before it gets started.  Then nothing happens.

Okay… I get that this is not a permanent way to deal with lists of things to be done.  It works for now, but it will have to evolve over time.  This is not a very high priority for me to deal with right now.  I have to figure out where to put my energies, and since this works (mostly), I will stick with it for a while.

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???

Some People Do Not Like the ZERO Anxiety Me…

And I totally get this!!  People get used to a “me” that is subdued and does not stand up much.  Or people get used to some other me.  They want me to be a certain way.

But sometimes I want to feel free.  I want to have no anxiety.  I want to feel free of an anchor hanging on my brain all the time.  There are times when I can truly connect to my intellect.

At those times… I can invision and imagine mathematical concepts that lead me thru complex ideas to some kind of understanding.  There are times when I can see the way to a proof.  It may be a proof of a very small thing.  And it is rarely a vigorous proof.  But it feels good.

More commonly, I can see how simple analogies fold into rather complex problems.  Those analogies can lead to solutions.  They are almost certainly things other people have thought of.  But I feel some accomplishment by figuring them out for myself.  It makes me feel fabulous!!!

Those are good mental accomplishments.  And my thoughts usually go beyond the obvious.  I think of ways to relate to old topics in currently relevant realities.  Does it make my life better?  I do not know… but I KNOW it makes me feel better.

BUT… I can only do those things without anxiety.  I can only free my mind to wander, and explore, when I am free of anxiety.  It is an almost remarkable feeling… but I can not get there even with the lower anxiety I get from my meds.  I want to be free to explore my own thoughts.

For some people IQ matters… I have been asked for the last 30 years what my IQ is, and I have not said… well… 150-8.  OK?  But that is 30+ years old.  Does that make any difference?  And what is IQ anyway???

When I have NO anxiety, I feel the most wonderful freedom to let my mathematical brain go… I can think about very complex concepts in the comfort that nothing will intrude.  Because anxiety is all about intruding.

I can see objects in my mind… and rotate them… and I can imagine 4 dimensional objects.  I can not relate them in the same way… but I can see them.  I design furniture that I can make without a scrap of notes.

But… I am limited by anxiety.  Anxiety destroys my image, and reduces my abilities.  I am sure anyone who understands this kind of anxiety gets it.  If I want to be a real person, I have to find ways to be without anxiety.  Or I am dead.

So on the original question?  Some people prefer the subdued, unsure, and hiding me.  They do not like the me that is free of anxiety.

How My Meds Have Made My Agoraphobia Worse…

Yup… that’s right.  My meds have made my agoraphobia worse, while making my life better.  And actually, my meds have made my agoraphobia worse because of how they have helped my life be better.

Before I started on any meds, I was able to go out more, and more easily.  I did not go out to socialize more… but I could go out.  I always had high anxieties – I just didn’t know it.  So going out was not much worse than staying home.

Now, my life is better.  My anxiety is much better, and usually easy to manage.  That is if I am home, and there are no real stresses.  But going out causes a LOT of anxiety.  It’s still not as much anxiety as I used to have when I went out before though.

The problem is the difference between staying home and going out has increased pronouncedly.  Before meds, it was not a lot worse than being anywhere.  But now going out makes things a lot worse.  There is more incentive to stay home.  It’s harder to get out at all.

Of course, I like it this way a lot better… and that may be why I am fine with staying home more.  It is harder to deal with the increase in anxiety now.

I’m not sure where all this will lead me, but I know it will continue to improve.  I just have to be aware of the catches.

Where I Am on My Meds

Fortunately I have been able to adjust my Lexapro so that is is helping more.  Wednesday I was able to start on my new program, and I felt better yesterday.  And today I have feeling even better.  It is easier to control my anxiety!

This has been a long process – I have been working on changing my meds for over a month now.  It has been quite the challenge at times.  I have wanted to quit more than once.  But I have made it thru so far at least.

There will still be some changes or additions.  So there is a ways more to go.  But I am feeling much better than I was last week, and even better than earlier this week.

So things are looking up.

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?

Thinner Skin… Thicker thoughts?

Not a great title, but it’s sort of how I feel.  I can feel a struggle within my mind at times.  My emotions are closer to the edge… and my anxiety goes up much more quickly when something is out of sorts.

I don’t have much patience with myself, or any one else.  My anxiety is not under as much control as I got used to.  And I don’t like it!  I can feel it, and I can feel that I have to suppress it.  It’s as if my anxiety wants to break out and take over.  At least it feels that way.

I still think it’s too soon to change my meds again, but it is dragging me down sometimes.  I am going to think about it, and pay close attention to how it is affecting my thoughts.  I may call my psychiatrist later this week.

Next Wednesday I see both my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  But I may not want to wait until then.

I tried calling my doctor’s office… my anxiety surged, and I could not go thru with it.  There is a recording from her assistant saying they will call me back.  That’s when I have to hang up.  I tried a second time.

I am not in control of my anxiety.  I will wait for my appointment next Wednesday.  This will be okay.  It will have to be.

A Small Update

I have not written… because I have not been able to figure out what to say.  My meds have changed, and things are going better.  But I know it is not enough.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more, but we are waiting for things to really settle down.  It takes time.

I am doing pretty well when I am home alone.  But it has let me down at other times.  It is much harder to go out… for any reason.  Even going for the mail has to be carefully planned.  And I have less patience with myself, and others.  I more easily have too much anxiety, and many – though short periods of depression.

It will take longer to figure out my meds.  But I still have things I need to do.  There are places I want to go.  I just have less energy for it than even a year ago.

I think I have fallen back more than that year.  I am doing better at home, but nowhere else.  Even at home I can not stay on task for very long.

Things will get better… in time.  I am just working thru it all, and I trust things will get better.

And Off to the Dentist Today

This is a really bad time to have to go in for a cleaning.  But these appointments can not easily be changed.  So I am pulling myself together as best I can, and will get thru it.  The next couple of days will be for recovery.

The dentist office is in the same building, just 2 doors down from my psychologist (she just moved there last year).  So the path there is a familiar one.  That will help.  The hygienist is a very pleasant, and cheery person.  And if I am up to it, I will stop for a treat for dinner – that probably will not happen.  But these are all things I try to push to the front of my thoughts.

I have to play little mental games to keep myself going – they are very tiring.  There will be more after I get back…

I am back, and I am still alive!!

It was much more traumatic than normal… but Julie, my hygienist was very helpful with my mood, and did a great job!  But it sure was nice to get home.  I had to make a stop on the way, so I got myself some Mac n Chees to help me feel better.

I am doing as well as I could expect right now.

After Cymbalta

It was just Thursday that I felt the last remnants of Cymbalta affecting my brain.  My brain has finally stopped swimming, and I have stabilized.

The meds I am taking now – Lexapro & Bupropion – are doing a very good job at helping me maintain my balance most of the time.  I am fine on good days at home.  As long as I can stay home, and do easy things, I am fine.

But it is clear that when I have to go out, or have additional pressures at home, I need more.  My anxiety can ramp up very quickly.  I can generally manage… I know ways to tamp down on the anxiety.  But that is very draining, and leaves me too tired for much else.

In a little over 2 weeks I will see my psychiatrist again to discuss where to go next.  We may increase my Lexapro, or try something additionally… or we may try something completely different.  I don’t know.

For the next couple of weeks I will be try to find my baseline.  I am looking for how my current meds help me feel in different low-stress situation.  I know how things go when I am in high-stress situations… I know that all too well.

So I am hoping for as much down time as possible.  I need to find those areas that define the limits of help I am getting from my current meds.

Fun time.

The Eye of the Storm

I am feeling a little better today.  My stomach is not swirling much… my chest feels calmer, and my anxiety is only “bad” now.  Normally I would call this bad, but today I will take it!

I know this may be the eye of the storm.  Today I am completely off Cymbalta.  So there may be another round of withdrawal… I don’t know.  I may know more later today, so stay tuned.

Others have told me about it being hard to get off Cymbalta… so at least there are those out there who have been there.  It must be easier for some people than for me, and harder for others.  There is always some variation.

Mostly I am tired of feeling so low, and depressed.  But with a fruity topping of anxiety.  From what happened in my last reduction in Cymbalta, I might be feeling it within the day.

Oh well.  Life goes on, and I have to do this.  I just hope I do not fall down along the way.

Another Day Along…

I am feeling a little better physically today.  But my mood has gone into a nose-dive.  I am increasingly depressed, and my anxiety is causing me to have the jitters.

I have not eaten since Thursday.  I am not hungry.  My stomach is doing some wonderful flip-flops from time to time.  But less than yesterday.

The big problem is that this has all been because of a reduction in my Cymbalta.  Today was the last day I took any at all.  So I will be going thru this more.  I think Monday will be interesting.  At least I can get away some next weekend.

The prospect of 3 or 4 more days of this are very upsetting, but there is no way around it.  Wednesday I see my psychologist, then an hour later, I see my psychiatrist!  Isn’t it a wonderful world?

I should be feeling better by then, but all that will also be very draining.  I am not sure how this will all play out.

I Will Never Fit In

I am feeling extremely low now.  I have fallen into my own Pit, and have no way out.  it is related to the withdrawal I am going thru… at least I hope so for now.  and there will be more to come.  I have one more step to go to get completely off the Cymbalta.  So this will go on for several more days… at least.

The Lexapro is mostly for anxiety… Cymbalta is better for depression. 

My insides are swirling, and I feel physically drained.  My thoughts are mixed, and I can not concentrate for very long.

It has all brought me down into the Pit once more.  I don’t see any way out.  But it does not matter… I don’t care.

New Meds and Withdrawal

I saw my new psychiatrist last week, and she started me getting off Cymbalta and back on Lexapro.  She says the Lexapro will probably not do enough for me, but it will be better, and once I am stabilized, we can look at other meds.  Good times…

The first few days were uneventful… well… not really.  I had a lot of issues over the weekend with swirling feelings, and anxiety.  I crashed out early Sunday, and did not hold up very well overall.

The beginning of this week looked really good!  my anxiety was down, and I was feeling pretty good.  But things started changing again Tuesday evening.  I was lowering my Cymbalta dose, and Tuesday was the second time I had lowered it.  now I was feeling what I call SBS – Swimming Brain Syndrome.  When I moved around, my brain seems to be lagging behind my head.

It got worse yesterday, and I had to miss session with my psychologist.  there was no way I was going to try to drive.  Today I am a little better… but not much.

The bad thing today is that depression has set in.  (We are going to work on my depression meds later too).  now I am feeling really down, and like I want to just stay in bed.  And I still have SBS!  So I am not doing very well.  I go completely off Cymbalta Sunday, so I think things will take a while to settle down.

I had planned to go out to dinner tonight, but that is looking in doubt.  It’s hard enough to go out at all, but now I feel to upset, and depressed to even think about it.  I might feel better later, so I am waiting to see how I feel.

Anyway… I had not written for a while, so I thought I would fill you all in on where I am.  I will try to write more.