Tag Archives: anxiety

Trying and Pushing = Brave?

I am at a point in my life, where I have to change what I believe. I have been working on it. I need to change the way my brain inter-relates to the world. No small feat.

Progress is measured in very small increments. I cleaned up a work-space to actually be able to work on something. Why? Because I wanted to. Got a problem with that?

This is not where I thot I would be at this point in my life. I need to teach my brain to want what I have. How does one change so many decades of training? The “slow-motion” PTSD must be rewired. There is no guarantee of success… or even progress. Make what I have work.

Being Brave, is what you do when there aren’t any other options. It is another state of our being. Others will see it in a different light, and will call it “brave”. OK… But it is just us doing what we must do. Especially for the Mentally Ill. We have to be “brave” just to get up in the morning!!!!

I am not truly brave. I am scrambling to survive. The options have narrowed significantly over the last few years. My presence on-line is my only reaching-out place. so here I am.

It is very difficult to reach out to an empty audience… OK… OK… not “empty”. Though I would like to hear more from people. Is this where I remind you all, I have no friends? No? Ok… later.

I am not in point of fact, looking for friends on-line. Friends are people you actually see. Sigh… there is a whole spectrum of “friends”. You can be very close to people you never see… or distant from those you see frequently. But it is more difficult to start with no foundation of brick-and-mortar friends. Not impossible… “It is a consummation devoutly to be wished.”

Hello… my name in Neil.

Is It Abuse?

Is it abuse if my wife uses a known mental illness weakness of mine as a way to make a point, and/or punish me?

The issue is the anxiety I get from not know what is going on, when it directly affects me. I can overload and crash from it easily.

My wife does not like having to keep me informed of her plans. Including, not going to be home for a week. So she withholds informing from me.

Here is current the issue: I have been writing a book for about a year. I have struggled a lot with it. One problem I have consistently have mentioned is that I don’t have someone to read it – Lori knows me too well. Lori is away this weekend with her friends at a resort. I had mentioned that I might print a part of my book for all of them to read. I chickened out.

But… early the first of their 3 days, I emailed her a copy. Almost 24 hours later, even though we had exchanged email on other subjects, she never mentioned my book.

I think that is the kind of thing most people would respond to. You know… an email about getting it? Especially one that gives irrevocable permission for her to share with those friends? Wouldn’t most people say something??

She does not tell me – I think – to prove she shouldn’t have to, and to punish me. I think she is using a known mental illness issue I have, to punish me. What is that called again?

NOTE:  When I told Lori it was upsetting she had not emailed, she literally said… “I thought we were past that.”  She thinks I should just change, if I see the problem in hindsight.  It is a common issue.  Did I mention she has a Master’s in Experimental Phycology?

“The Aviator”

The Aviator is a movie I go to when I am feeling down. I understand Howard Hughes in this movie. What he does, makes sense… though not what I would have done. But the movie makes me feel better.

The scenes of him testifying before Congress are great. No matter how far he fell down, he was able to pull it all together to testify before Congress… and take down a Senator. We all know how that feels… putting it all together to step up for important occasions. We have all done that… we do it almost every day! Every day we step up to be what we are expected to be. Howard Hughes was much worse off than myself, but I see, and understand the spectrum.

I stood up for many years… I did pretty well, I think. But as life goes on, it gets less and less important to care about trying. I do not think my life would have been worse if I had just given up 40 years ago, and followed the easy path. It very certainly would have been easier. Right now, that means it would still be easier for me to deal with people. Or not.

Did I waste my energies? Or would I be in the same mental place, even if I had taken an easier path? I can not know. I can never know… All I can know is where I want to be.

Give me the money, and I would disappear into a world where I can be invisible. I want to go away, and not have to expend so much of my life, just trying to get along. The outside world takes away most of my energies… it leaves me flat… it takes too much out of my life.

I have LMCS… and there are few treatments… Lack of Mountain Cabin Disorder. I have no Fortress of Solitude… no place that is only me… where I do not have to try to fit into anything. I am so tired. Even now, the world is always far too demanding. I worked so hard to fit in, and I do not see a pay-off. I am now ready to give it up with the outside world.

What I need is a world where I do not have to expend energies on fitting in… Not going to happen. I will be eligible for SS soon… and I think I should just go off into my own place. I could live on that, with my pension. It’s not like I am going to be traveling around much!

Of course… this is all pie in the sky stuff… I sit here in my office for the next 20 years.

I am good at envisioning futures, that can never happen.

Who to have as Friends?

I have found it very difficult to have normal conversations with people, without have to spend most of my time either… trying to figure out what people think I mean, or trying to explain what I mean.

I have found it easier to communicate about everyday things, with people like me… so I don’t have to explain each point along the way. Just let me say what happened without having to explain everything. It gets so tiring to have to worry about how someone will interpret what I say. People like me, don’t need the explaining part.

I want it to be “normal” for me.

Do you realize how rare that is for us?

The Ghost in the Room

There is a ghost in the room… wherever I go. It is me. The ghost of who I was… of who I was on the inside, haunts me every day. I died decades ago. I disappeared under a cloud of misunderstanding, and mistrust.

When I talk with anyone, my ghost is in the room. Do I listen to my “reality” voice, or my ghost?

People don’t even know who I am. People I worked with for 15 years know virtually nothing about me. Or I should say… about my ghost. People are afraid of ghosts. They are afraid of me. I am two people. Or was… the real me is now limited to this office, and my writings. They prefer the public me. Even with its faults.

But the ghost haunts me… I can not be the public-me so much anymore. The energy to do that has long since faded. And when I have to be the public-me, the ghost pulls at my mind…

There is a ghost with me always.

Fearing the Fear of Fear…

Most of my decisions are greatly influenced by fear. The fear of potential bad outcomes. Which choice had the least fearful path. But my brain does not trust my judgement. So I like to be able to see what someone else thinks. That is where I have problems. Who would that be?

Obviously, it can only be Lori.

I throw out plans that I can not support externally… to someone else I trust who thinks I can do it. Left to myself, plans fade away quickly succumbing to fears of failure. Usually it means not being able to run an errand. Sometimes it is much bigger. I can not commit to anything down the road. Who knows where my brain will be in four months? And I can’t have four months of worrying about it every day. So… no plans for nice trips.

Fear.

Why start something I will not finish? I never finish anything. But I keep trying… as much as I can. Trying smaller things, that don’t matter so there is less to lose. Chores… but nothing else really matters. I have to make things not matter. I have to believe all these things don’t matter.

“It doesn’t matter.” Are words I speak far too often. Fear makes us stop caring. We have to stop caring before we get swept under all the failures.

Some things haunt us… things we are drawn to do, but can not. We might spend hours thinking about it, without ever being able to accomplish anything.

But… I keep trying. J

I Have SiBS

Star is Born Syndrome.
And how to get out of it.

I used to be a teacher.  I was liked, and even admired, by students and faculty.  I was trusted, and influential.  I had built my own home to my needs, and was well known in the community… having gone to city council meetings.  I had friends, and family.  I had been president of the teacher’s union.  All of that and more.

Now I live in virtual isolation… dependent on my loving, successful, liked, and admired wife, financially and otherwise.  No friends or family.  No one knows what my opinions are, and no-one cares.  People don’t trust me.

This was a thot I just wrote down this morning. My “Run Away” approach to life has not worked out as well as I had planned. The last several months I have been trying to build a foundation for getting out to have lunch with a friend… or such. Over the years, I made a lot of different attempt to meet, and develop friends. It never worked out.

Now… I am not sure which way to go. I no longer have confidence in my understanding of what others want, or how they think, or feel. I am flying blind.

My foundation is my confidence in my ability to disappear. I would like it to be confidence in my ability to keep trying, and take more chances. I should be able to do that. That word “should” again.

My meds are stable, and very consistent… even if one requires going out. I know what happens without them. Was that 2 years ago?? It was not good.

There is not going to be a better time to start. I will be writing about how this is going.

Irrational R Us

Learning to worry about every single little decision – which I already do – because it might be wrong, feeds my anxiety… there is literally no way I can be sure I am being rational. Do you have any idea how that feels? To know that no matter how careful, and thought out, you still may be completely wrong??

It is not a confidence builder.

And they wonder why I drop of Facebook. I can never know if I am saying an acceptable thing, let alone the right thing. I worry about each post so much; I almost always think about deleting them. So I run away. I can’t say the wrong thing of Facebook if I stay off. I can’t hurt anyone’s feelings if I am not there.

I have a degree in Math… and I can say, there is a pattern there. Who knows… it could even lead to total isolation for fear of offending. I’m not an expert… though I sort of am. I’m just an expert at the other side. I can describe what things are like over here… but seeing from your view is a bit tough.

Making “Rational” Choices

Apparently, this is more difficult than it looks.

When people expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… then they expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… it goes on and on. It is not going to happen folks. People want me to be normal. So they treat me as if I am… But why is the irrational guy, being asked to make the rational decisions? And I am punished when I don’t get it right.

I understand reality exists. But, I do not need to be reminded that we “probably” won’t end up going… every time we talk about a trip to Alaska. I think it is second nature for most people… they point it out. The rational thing, would be to just accept it as a possibility, and move on. Ya… not so much for us irrationals. People need to understand; the problem is I can not learn to do certain things. I have to find ways around them.

I can view a 3-D exploded view of an older Honda engine. I could tell you where every part went… I just zoom in on the image. Can you do that? Can you learn to do that?? Can you imagine a real hypercube?? I can. You can not learn that. I would not expect you to. there are things my brain can not do. Stop expecting me to figure it out.

But all that aside… let the irrational guy figure it out.

Writing Used to be Easy…

If you look back thru my Blogs… keep going. Once you get back a couple of years, there is some good stuff.

Self-Motivation is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s all I can do, to keep myself going during the day. I can not fight all the doubts and fears at the same time. There is a point where I suddenly hit the wall. Suddenly, I can’t go on… time for bed. I hate it when that happens. I am helpless to stop it. I can’t even read in bed… the day is done.

Sometimes I last all day! Sometimes my mind crashes out after 8 or 9 hours. I hate it. But I have to go along. Fighting it just delays the inevitable, and is miserable time anyway. So I try to sleep… or half-sleep.

Finding the right thing to watch, or listen to is critical. Couple hours of TV… a few hours of music… and back. But either can bring on a crash, if I can not decide what the right thing is. It has to have to correct feel… it has to bring up the correct emotions, and feels. As previously noted, my brain has an issue with the flow of emotions. I can’t not feel things. So it is important for me to have the correct environment.

It can take me hours to find just the right thing… or I crash out. Those are the options.

My surrounds can make or break my day… week. I watch things I have seen, and listen to music I have listened to for 40 years. It is difficult to watch something new. There are far too many unknowns. That can make it difficult for Lori and I to agree on what to watch. Marx Brothers? And it does not matter how repetitious it is… I only half pay attention anyway. It is all about the emotional atmosphere it creates.

Writing has not fit in very well to all this.

And So It Was…

This has got worse. That is partly why it has been so difficult to write – or do anything. But next week will be the 25th anniversary of our first date, and we are now emotionally separated. It is a hollow relationship. I think we still like each other… and share a few interests.

I suppose it is all the fault of my various mental issues. At least that is the obvious explanation. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. Except you guys!

This is a difficult time… my hands are shaking. Try to be supportive?

Does anyone write actual letters anymore?

Every Day is Just One Day

Yesterday… what can I say. I had a bad day.

I couldn’t get up at my normal time because I couldn’t think of anything I could actually do. I got up 6 hours late. But then I went to bed 4 hours early… does that balance out? Maybe not…

Background noise in very important to me. I usually have some show marathoning, that I don’t have to pay too much attention. But the voices, and people talking helps me stay focused. Silence digs at me – though technically there is never silence. I always hear a slight hissing, and constant tones in my ears. Normally it is too soft to hear… It doesn’t bother me… but I digress.

I have these days too often. Usually I get better during the day, but not yesterday. It feels like there is nothing to be happy about – Dementors? – like everything is over… finished and I have nowhere to go. It seems like the world has stopped, and there is nothing for me.

Today will be better. There is no “why” it happened… it just did. Trying to find the cause is usually counterproductive.

Wish me luck! J

I Am Afraid of Dogs

This is particularly strange since I grew up around cats and dogs. But I do not trust dogs. I can not predict how they will behave. Cats, I get. They are quite predictable actually. That is probably because they don’t care how I feel about their behavior. Until I shout!

But… why did I become afraid of them? I am seriously disturbed by dogs… especially if they are free. For a while, I even sometimes carried a pistol to protect myself from dogs. The gun is basically useless against humans, except as a noise maker. But with a dog, I don’t have to wait for it to get too close if it charges.

THAT is how far this phobia advanced. I no longer carry the gun… and yes, I did have a carry permit.

Back to the issue at hand…

Where did this fear come from??

I used to free-climb cliffs in the Olympic National Park… now I am deathly afraid of heights. Where did I get that? It does not make sense to me. But I can NOT walk across a bridge, unless I would be ok if I fell off it. The Deception Pass bridge in Washington is a great example. I had to sit down half way across, and lock my arms around the railing. I can not even watch a TV shot that looks down.

Thinking and writing about it now is greatly increasing my anxiety. Why??

These are things I grew up with! Now I can barely walk down the street.

I used to drive all over the Northwest, and parts of British Columbia, by myself. I slept in the back of my 1967 Datsun PL 411. Beige. I bought it from my Mom. Today… traveling is very problematic. I panic out at the last minute too often – once is too often.

What the Hell???

So much deterioration. Especially over the last five years or so, my abilities have diminished. I like what I can do, but I do wonder what I am missing.

Overall, I am fine with where my life is, and I just want to get better at doing these things. Maybe I will get back to where I was.

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Watching World at War…

Oradour-sur-Glane… if I visit Europe, I must go there. I promised my father I would try. He was in the European War in WW2. He saw things I still see in my mind. He taught me what he saw.

I know I have written about this before. But I am feeling especially far from my father tonight. It is a family long lost to me. I still struggle to understand the stories my father told me. Especially now. Fascists come to power thru very strange ways. Hitler was losing political power in early 1930’s, when he was called to “lead” a new government… because he was weak, and could be controlled. They would use him. It did not work out that way.

Everyone underestimated him. Everyone thought he would pass… the Nazi’s could not last, and everything would move on. Things would be fine soon. Then June 30, 1934.

I am watching “The World at War” – BBC. The definitive WW2 documentary. It helps. I watch it a few times a year. I read. I research. I have always had a drive to understand WW2, and I am finally starting to see a developing real-world example as to why I should. Throughout the world, the fascists are gaining. Those who believe they have all the answers, and no-one but them can help. Give them the power, and they will solve all your problems. Look around people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!