Tag Archives: anger

BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Apparently, I am that too. BPD, autism, anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias… is there an end to this list? I know I am leaving off several important names. But this one was just added. J

There are a lot on names for mental illness… the names are mostly for the Nones… people with no mental illness. Nones like to put names on things. Even when they have no idea what the names mean. They are just words. Having something to call it, seems to make it easier for them.

All that aside… when we are talking to Nones, the names help us explain things. They can look those up on the Internet. They might be able to get some kind of understanding, and possible connection. And I am still the same. The names don’t change what I am, or what I have to deal with. Who knows… maybe the names will help me too. But I don’t think so.

Nones live in a different world. Most of them have some kind of little mental tweak. Usually it just comes up as something that irritates their family and friends. They will live their lives in ignorance of anything being amiss. Oh those Nones… they can be a laugh riot!

 

WOW… I just noticed there are people in the foreground of my banner photo.  The subject drowned them out.  In case you do not recognize it, it is the entrance to Auschwitz.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp

Trying to Sleep thru the Fire

My main goal the last 4 days has been to sleep.  Today I just lie there watching the clock… and waiting for it to get dark out.  I have the same movie going over and over.

The roar of the bridges burning behind me is deafening, but also strangely comforting.  Now I will not waste time hoping for something that can not happen.  It will be easier to sleep, and fade away.

I know I say things I should not.  But I also know there are a very great many things people should be saying to me.  That is not going to happen.  People don’t know what to say.  Though I doubt any would try even it they did…

I try to reach out, but I can not keep my thoughts together.  I end up lashing out instead.  The world is such a lonely place.  I understand that I have no place here, and people would rather I just shut up, and disappear.  This becomes my only outlet.  It’s easy for them to ignore me when all I do is write here.

Maybe I sound a little angry?  I am.  Angry at… stupid fricking little chemicals in my brain.  It’s no-one’s fault.  But my misery.

Sorry… a bit of ranting there.

Coming Unglued

Sometimes things happen that cause my mind to become unglued.  This usually results in a quick trip to bed to hide under the covers – literally.    There it can take hours to relax enough just to be able to think again.  More hours are needed to recover.

And then there are times… when everything I know seems to be flying away from me.  Suddenly my entire live is fading, and there is nothing I can do to save myself.  All is lost.  I may just sit on the floor, and cry.  My mind goes into a very dark place.

At such times, I had an occasional habit of reaching out… groping for help.  On Facebook I would cry out, pleading for someone to bring me back down to the ground.  Ranting…  Repeated posts would go unanswered…

Sometimes someone would jump in to try to help.  And it did help when I was able to follow thru with contacting them.  But mostly I was met with silence.  The most aggravating thing for me was when people would contact Lori to find out if she was okay… if she was okay.

That was like the little twist of the dagger in my chest.

She has friends… I do not.  Though!!!  A special thank you to the 3 people who have reached out to me over the last few years.  One I was never able to get back to.  I lost his name in deleted Facebook posts.  Now my Facebook account is deleted!  Deleted… not just closed.  I needed to make it go away.

It will help.  Now there is no place for me to reach out… and Lori will not have to tell people that she is okay.

Anger is a Symptom

Anger may, and does cause problems, but anger is a symptom of something deeper going on.  Find that thing, and anger can be resolved.

I found that thing.

I do have trouble with anger from time to time, but who doesn’t?  Once I understood where it was coming from, I was able to put solutions in place.  And I was able to understand.  My anger stopped being such a problem.

But there was a time when it was.  A horrible time in my life.

So I work on these issues every day.  I work myself slowly closer to where I want to be.  And with the help of my friends, and Lori, I will get there.  I can almost see it now.

From an Ignorant Comment

This was written by someone with NO understanding of the facts of the situation.  This person was my “Domineering Parent” growing up.  It has been discussed many times in therapy.

“So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people.”

I may have lost friends because of my past anger issues, but not family.  My mother and I talked about this many times.  She could see what I was talking about for herself.  And she tried to help me understand it.

My loss of my therapist had nothing to do with my losing my temper.  YES, I was angry – as I have said – but I did not lash out at anyone.

This person is one of the main reasons I am where I am – not thru malice, but thru action.

Me and Anger

It has been pointed out to me that I used to have an anger issue, and I have not written much about it.  That is true.  When I started seeing a psychologist, it was the first thing we worked on.  I also had a year of group therapy on balancing my emotions.  The big difference came from the meds I started taking, and my sessions with my psychologist (hundreds of them).

Anger is no longer a part of my problem.  Once I knew where the anger was coming from, and how to channel it, the anger mostly went away.  I learned how to properly integrate my anger into my whole self.

My anger came from extreme anxiety – I take 3 meds now for anxiety with pretty good results.  I do not lose my temper like that anymore… not for about 9 years now.  For those who have it, you know what very high anxiety can do to your brain, especially when you do not know what it is.

The person who suggested this is many years behind in what has been happening in my life.  That person has no way of seeing how I have changed and improved, and learned to look inward. 

For the last 8+ years I have been working on the causes of the anger in my life.  Once I understood it, I was able to start working on the real problems.  That is what this Blog is about.

That person has ABSOLUTELY no place in my life, and should mind her own business.  She is one of THE major causes of that anger while I was growing up.  She is “toxic” to me – as a psychologist, and a psychiatrist have both pointed out.

What Difference Does it Make?

I have been in the pits of depression for over a week… I can not find a way out.  Nothing ever really gets any better.  I am expected to be cheery, and helpful regardless of the turmoil in my brain.  There is no outlet.

I am tired of it.  Things are better than a few years ago, but there has been no real improvement over the last 3 years or so.  Why keep trying?  I am totally alone most of the time.  The only person around me does not understand, and will not listen when I try to explain where I am, and what I need.  But how could I expect anyone to?  It is so far out of the mainstream that no-one could comprehend what it’s like without having been there.

What is happening every day, every minute, in my brain requires so much energy to fight… I am just treading water.  And it will not go away.

I hold everything inside because there is no where for it to go.  My psychologist helps, but even if I saw her everyday, it would barely keep me going. 

I can not keep up the fight anymore.  I am too tired.

I Should Keep My Anger Inside

I have been going thru a mental breakdown these last 24 hours.  Events ran beyond my control, and I reacted out of confusion, and anger.  I made a public statement I now regret.  But it was all initiated outside of my control.

I spent much of today in bed… depressed.  But now I am empty, and people are angry at me.  Of course… no-one contacted me about this at all, so I did not immediately realize the impact.

It has left me drained, and feeling really bad about myself.  It also makes me realize there is no-one out there who would cross the street to piss on me if I were on fire.

I am sorry to sound angry, but I am.  It’s mostly a reaction to the initial event, and the realization that I am always more alone than I thought I was. 

My feelings are very confused right now… but I had to say something to someone.