Tag Archives: alone

I Wear People Out…

All my life I have had a tendency to wear people out.  I lose friends because they can not continue to deal with, and even see all my issues, and problems.  I have made very very few friends over the last 30 years, because I have given up trying.

Photo: LMAO!!!

I do need to have a warning sign… “Be Cautious, and do not get too close”.  Because I unwillingly drive people away.

It shows in my Blogs… people get tired of reading the same things when there is nothing they can do.  No-one likes to feel bad, so they have to turn away to save themselves.  I get that.  I read some blogs that are hard for me too.

Just in this last few months, I have offended someone who used to read, and comment on my Blogs frequently.  It was a huge mistake.  I was trying to offer help, and alienated her completely.  I doubt she will read this…

I am so very sorry T.B.  I did not mean to disparage your great humanitarian efforts.  I am diminished because of what I said.

It is just the latest example.  But more may come.  My inability to go anywhere has let others down.  And they have every right to move away to save themselves.

I Should Keep My Anger Inside

I have been going thru a mental breakdown these last 24 hours.  Events ran beyond my control, and I reacted out of confusion, and anger.  I made a public statement I now regret.  But it was all initiated outside of my control.

I spent much of today in bed… depressed.  But now I am empty, and people are angry at me.  Of course… no-one contacted me about this at all, so I did not immediately realize the impact.

It has left me drained, and feeling really bad about myself.  It also makes me realize there is no-one out there who would cross the street to piss on me if I were on fire.

I am sorry to sound angry, but I am.  It’s mostly a reaction to the initial event, and the realization that I am always more alone than I thought I was. 

My feelings are very confused right now… but I had to say something to someone.

Thanksgiving and Other Holidays

This time of years brings many extra stresses for me, and a lot of people like me.  It should be more fun than it is.  But there are a whole slew of added anxieties over the next month and a half for those of us with anxiety, and depressive disorders.

Today I am already feeling close to crashing out about the whole thing.  There are many things I have to get done, on top of the regular holiday stresses.  And I am not holding up very well even at this early point.

If it were up to me, things would be different – don’t ask me how.  I can not escape the anxiety, and there will be depressive periods as well.  There are things I still need to do to get ready… let alone to get myself ready!  I am not looking forward to much of it.

There are people worse off – many are alone, and trying to go thru all these issues on their own.  They can look out at the world, and feel completely isolated.  It can feel as if there is nothing in all this celebration for them.  I have often been there myself… and still am at times.

I do have some support thru this time, but it will still test my brain, and my endurance.  It will be fun, but that does not diminish the anxiety, or take away the depressive periods even for me.  There will be stress for everyone, so I will be a little more on my own than usual… I will make it thru.

Please be kind, and try to be understanding of people you know who may have extra struggles this time of year.  It’s not that we hate it, or want it to go away.  But there will be more times when we are just trying to get by.  Have patience, and remember we just want to have fun too.