Tag Archives: agoraphobia

The Growth of Agoraphobia

It is easy to let agoraphobia grow deeper into our lives.  As I wrote about recently, medication makes it easier to stay home.  As things get more relaxed at home, there is less desire to go out.

Hopefully, less anxiety at home would give me more energy to go out.  But why would I want to do that?  The world outside my door does not have the things I need in my life.  I have reached out for friends, but there are just too many limitations on what I can do.  I’m a mess.

I am better off staying at home.

Social Media can help, but don’t ever confuse it with something that creates real friendships.  On-line friends are as ethereal as the Heavens.  They are not real.  And eventually, they will be gone.  That is the way of it.

Social Media is for sharing good… positive things with people who also want to share good positive things.  If you do not fit into the “happy” mood on-line, you will not be there long.  Trying too hard to fit in will just make things worse.

So my agoraphobia grows, and it will help life become easier… at least in some ways.  I still have to learn how I can go to the grocery store… but I can do a few errands close by home – in town.  I can go on some trips.  I can do all I need here at home.  Why try for more?

My efforts need to revolve around being better able to deal with getting the things done I need to get done, without going out any more than is absolutely necessary.  There are things I can do to make it easier.  First I need to find ways to do the shopping.

How My Meds Have Made My Agoraphobia Worse…

Yup… that’s right.  My meds have made my agoraphobia worse, while making my life better.  And actually, my meds have made my agoraphobia worse because of how they have helped my life be better.

Before I started on any meds, I was able to go out more, and more easily.  I did not go out to socialize more… but I could go out.  I always had high anxieties – I just didn’t know it.  So going out was not much worse than staying home.

Now, my life is better.  My anxiety is much better, and usually easy to manage.  That is if I am home, and there are no real stresses.  But going out causes a LOT of anxiety.  It’s still not as much anxiety as I used to have when I went out before though.

The problem is the difference between staying home and going out has increased pronouncedly.  Before meds, it was not a lot worse than being anywhere.  But now going out makes things a lot worse.  There is more incentive to stay home.  It’s harder to get out at all.

Of course, I like it this way a lot better… and that may be why I am fine with staying home more.  It is harder to deal with the increase in anxiety now.

I’m not sure where all this will lead me, but I know it will continue to improve.  I just have to be aware of the catches.

I Wear People Out…

All my life I have had a tendency to wear people out.  I lose friends because they can not continue to deal with, and even see all my issues, and problems.  I have made very very few friends over the last 30 years, because I have given up trying.

Photo: LMAO!!!

I do need to have a warning sign… “Be Cautious, and do not get too close”.  Because I unwillingly drive people away.

It shows in my Blogs… people get tired of reading the same things when there is nothing they can do.  No-one likes to feel bad, so they have to turn away to save themselves.  I get that.  I read some blogs that are hard for me too.

Just in this last few months, I have offended someone who used to read, and comment on my Blogs frequently.  It was a huge mistake.  I was trying to offer help, and alienated her completely.  I doubt she will read this…

I am so very sorry T.B.  I did not mean to disparage your great humanitarian efforts.  I am diminished because of what I said.

It is just the latest example.  But more may come.  My inability to go anywhere has let others down.  And they have every right to move away to save themselves.

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?

Where to “Go” Now

I was scheduled to see a psychiatrist this morning to work on my meds.  I got to a point where my regular doctor felt I needed to see a specialist.  I have a psychologist, but she can not prescribe the meds I need.

But earlier this week, I got to the point where I knew I could not go.  I cancelled.  I had to.  I can not go out on my own.

Now I am locked in a struggle to figure out what to do next.  The problem is that the issue I have is not about going to a psychiatrist, it’s about continuing to see my regular doctor.  There have been issues.

If I decide to get a new doctor, then I have to wait for the psychiatrist until after I would see the new doctor… after I find one.  So I may be delayed…

So I am stuck.

My Little Life at Home

I can not go anywhere by myself.  No matter how long I think about it, or how I rationalize things… I can not go out on any errands by myself.

Coming to this realization has been no easy trek.  I have turned it around in my brain, and tried to make sense of it.  But it just is what it is… my anxiety has taken a greater control over my life than I would like.

I am planned a fun weekend, but I can not get to the store.

I have not been thinking very clearly the last few weeks, and I would like to get better.  I can’t.  This has even kept me from blogging (if that is a word).  I will try harder to keep up on my blog now…

I canceled my scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist to work out my meds, because I can not decide what to do about my doctors.  I will write more about that – at least I plan to.

So I can’t do what I need to do to fix my anxiety, because of my anxiety.

A Really Bad Week… Last Week

Last week was a really bad week for me.  Early in the week I lost it, and over-reacted, and said some stupid things.  It left me drained and feeling very bad about myself.  But things just got worse…

Lori and I had a long planned trip to Seattle Friday.  I thought I could handle it, but was not feeling very positive about it.  But we went ahead and went.  That was probably the best thing… or so it seemed.

When we got there, I had to rest in the hotel while Lori went shopping.  I saved up my energy, and pulled myself together, and we went out to dinner.  But I crashed out again during dinner, and could not go to the Nutcracker…  To make this story shorter, I was not up to anything Saturday, and we came home.

I did nothing in Seattle… none of the things I had so long planned to do.  It was a disaster that left me feeling completely crushed.  I let us both down.

Today, Monday, I am feeling better, but not back to “normal” yet.  My anxiety took over, and the whole trip was a failure.  I don’t know what to think of it.  It makes me want to always just stay home – which is sort of what I want anyway, but I do try to have fun going places.  This will make it just a little harder.

I don’t have a solution… nor do I have a happy ending.  It is too soon to know what can be learned from this.  I just needed to write about it.  At least I don’t have to go anywhere overnight for another couple of months.

Was the Trip a Failure?

I did not go to the grocery store.

I know I am not very good at going out by myself… but I thought I could go 2 places.  I had a great amount of anxiety on the way to IKEA.  There were many times when my brain wanted to turn around and come back home.  I did make it there, but that was just the beginning.

I had a break down moment (or 5)… the anxiety gets so great, my brain tries to shut down.  Basically my brain tries to make me sleep.  I become extremely drowsy, and my eyes get hard to keep open – not a good scenario when I am driving.  But I can shake it out fairly easily.

This usually happens at home… or when I am at some place.  At IKEA I had the same experience, but it’s easier to deal with when I am walking around.  I was able to get everything I wanted there, but at times I was not so sure.

Coming home I just could not stop at the store… I could not do it.  I failed to finish my errands.  So I am feeling very down about that.  I am still feeling pressure to go to bed.  I am fighting with my own brain.  That’s just not right!

It has been harder to go out the last few months.  I am still trying to figure things out.  But there are things I have to do.  There are things I have to go out for… I need to do better!