Tag Archives: agoraphobia

Therapy for having No Therapy?

This story goes back a ways, so follow along.

I started seeing my psychologist in late 2004, and for several years went every week.  I got better.  I cut down how often I went, but kept going.

Over the last year and a half, there were 3 times I went for appointments that were not to be.  One was a misunderstanding, and the other 2 were mistakes she made.

I’m agoraphobic, so going for a 40 minutes trip each way is difficult.  After each of those episodes, I did not go back for a while – almost 3 months in one case.  But each time, I eventually got back into my sessions.

At the beginning of May, I asked about an appointment for the next week.  She said she might have to testify in court (she is a forensic psychologist) so she would get back to me in a couple of days.  A week later she emailed that she could do it.

By then it was too late for me to get ready to go on such short notice, and I figured it would then be at least another week.  I was angry.  So I said “Too late.  I will not be coming back.”  I also canceled my disclosure agreements.  So I assume I was no longer a real patient of hers.

Last Sunday I emailed saying I would like to see her again after the 4th.  She emailed back that she thought it was time for me to move to a new psychologist, and she could help me transition.  Her reasoning was the the gaps in session indicated we were at a plateau, and I needed a different approach.

I was quite taken aback.  In April, I had brought up that I thought I was sort of at a plateau in improving my anxieties, and I wanted to start working more on implementation – I even wrote a Blog about this.  And it was going very well.  We figured out a plan to reduce my weekly anxiety, and help me get more done at the same time.

It worked better than I had hoped!  I’m still doing this new stuff.

But I not longer have a psychologist.  I feel abandoned, and turned away.  I even feel anger.  But I have completely collapsed mentally.  I get nothing done… and just try to accept where I am now.

Follow-Up From Yesterday.

When I went to be last night, I spent about an hour going over my plans to go to Walgreen’s.  I will try to go in about 2+ hours, so I will have to go thru it again… probably 3 or 4 times.

I can visualize the store in my mind.  I can see the isles, and the items on the shelve – sans any writing on them. I can walk down each isle, and see what is around me.

I need to map out my visit.  Where am I going to go first, and what path will I follow?  Where is each item I need?  At what point do I go get my prescriptions at the back of the store?  And most importantly, what do I do if they are out of something – I am only getting things I know then carry.

I visualize the people I who work there, and what to expect from them.  It is all very carefully planned.

And I plan it over, and over, and over, to make sure I have every option covered.  I even plan for changes I might have to make if they are restocking some place, and I have to come back to it.

The plan must be precise, and cover all possible changes that I might have to make.  I also have developed a plan for each item they may not have – what will I get, or use instead?

I takes a lot of time.  All together, I fully expect this trip to take about 6 hours of prep time.

AND: I should get better at this, I am out of practice.  This trip should only take 3-4 hours to plan.

And I Am Sisyphus.

I have, at times this year, made significant progress.  But each time, events have hit me hard, and knocked me back.  I really think that is fairly normal.  I am not fond of this system though.

Now I find myself in a place I have been before… it is familiar.  I have to rethink much of my life, and my goals, and how I could get there.  I have discovered that I have been operating under some misconceptions.  And they could affect just about everything I am.

It has also thrown the breaks on my efforts to do more at home, and find success here, before stretching farther.  It is a plan I developed with the help of my psychologist.  And it was working.

Now I will have to cut way back on those efforts.  I have not been to the grocery store in a couple of months.  Recently, I have known I would not have to do the grocery shopping, and it caused a much bigger reduction in my built up anxiety by the end of the week.

I was doing a lot more at home – especially with my hobbies.  But I was also doing better at my household chores, and even doing things not on my list!  It was getting so good, I found myself without the TV or stereo on much of the time.  I had other, more fun things to do!

It has now been almost 3 weeks since there has been any grocery shopping done here.  I ran out of Guinness over a week ago.  I am scrambling to meet some of my needs.  Fortunately, a local Walgreen’s is one of the places I can go, and I have been able to keep up.

Not any more.  We are now out of the right food for one of our cats.  He pretty much has to eat it.  I have stalled as long as I could, but I still have no idea how to resolve that issue until Wednesday when I have to go out to see my psychiatrist.  I can stop for a couple of things then.  I hope.

So I am now back where I was.  I spent about 4 hours today working very carefully on my plan to go to Walgreen’s tomorrow.  If nothing goes wrong, I should make it just find.  But the result is that I start the week already depleted.  I will not get much done around here this week.  My hobbies will gather dusk.

I have to focus on being able to do different things now.

Just Go Out More!

It has once again been pointed out to me how things would be better if I just went out more.  I wish I had thought of that.  It’s so simple!  Am I cured now?

I can send out the word to all agoraphobics, and people with depression, and anxiety disorders, that all they have to do, is do it!

Inform Nike!

Alone With My Thoughts…

I am lonely.  I spend virtually all my time alone.  It has been that way for many years.  It’s okay… I have to live like this.  As an agoraphobe, it is difficult to go out at all, and going out to socialize is pretty much out of the question.  I stick to running a few errands to local places I am familiar with.  The people who work in those stores, are the people I socialize with most.  We chat…

But then… I have just about as much fear of people being here in my home.  I feel invaded, and uneasy.  Even talking on the phone takes a toll.  Any conversation can unexpectedly become way to stressful, and I have to get out of it.

I am usually on Facebook, and that is pretty much the limit of what I can do socially – I can’t even do that some of the time.  So I deactivate when my brain is swimming in too many thoughts.

Basically all this means that I am best when I am home alone, with little or no contact with the outside world.  It is what I have to do, not what I want to do.  Normally I make the best of it.  I have been getting better at doing things at home.  I am even enjoying some of my time.

It is not the life I thought I would be living.  Lori helps.  She tries to make home more fun, and pleasant for me.  We can even go out sometimes.  But going out takes a great deal of planning, and so many things can go wrong.  So most trips get cancelled.

I guess there is really nothing new in this Blog, but it seemed to want to be written.  When I let people down because of my phobias, I know I am slowly pushing them away.  Sometimes it is easier for me if I just go ahead and push them away, so I don’t have to spend so much time having anxiety about it.  They are better of that way too.

Using “EA” in My Life

Embracing Agoraphobia

It’s a term I started using a few years ago.  I have even Blogged about it in my other Blog.

The idea is that I should accept my agoraphobia as long as it does not stop me from going out when I really need to.  That means I do not even have to even think about going grocery shopping (most weeks).

I even wrote about this a bit in my last Blog.

Now I am seeing that is making a difference in my anxiety levels during the week.  And these last 2 weeks have been a lot easier during the run-up to the weekend.  It is easier to do things at home now.  And it feels very nice.

Now… will that end up hurting me in the long run?  Right now I am not sure.  And I do not really care.  That is something I will think about in a few weeks when my brain has settled down, and my anxieties are lower.  Only then will I actually consider how to slowly push myself out more.

For now, I just need to build up my energies, and lower my average anxiety level.  That will give more successes to help my confidence.  I need this to go on for a while at least.

Pushing People Away – an Example

Today I messed up plans I had been working on for weeks – months actually.  It was to meet someone I have been wanting to meet for years.  How much of that should I say?

It was all set for next week.  And then cats going to the Vet, and Mother’s Day came in, and I blew my plans apart so completely, that I ended up having to unfriend this person on Facebook.  (Yes I am back on Facebook)

I can not go out very often.  When things get too complicated, my brain stops relating to it, and it all has to go away – Start Again.

I am sure this is one of the major reasons I do not have any close friends.  When it comes to going out to do things, it is all rather problematic.  It is actually easier to have people over… but we live a little out of the way.

ANYWAY… my point is that when plans get upset, they generally fall apart entirely, and may then never happen.  That amounts to pushing people away.  My brain must eliminate the cause of the distress… It ends up being bad for me, and I have hurt someone.

My brain is my own worst enemy.

Monday… My Day of Rest

Monday is a day I have set aside for low stress.  I do not hold myself accountable for doing very much.  No chores, shopping, or projects – unless I truly feel like it!  Of course I still have to feed the cats… and myself.

It also gives me a little time to slow down my thinking, and even allow new thoughts to penetrate my brain.

And I can reflect some.  I am trying to make some changes… more than just cosmetic.  I need to see how things really are, and it helps to step back from them, to see truth.  I never really know where it will lead.  And on Mondays, I am fine with that.

I will be 58 years old next month.  Not a major milestone, but I am still trying to find my life… out there somewhere (figuratively).  I get very tired sometimes – too often.  It gets hard to do anything.  And I want to move ahead.

Today I went for a morning constitutional <—  I love calling it that!  Even though I am having back issues, I am trying to do some walking early in the day.  I does feel good, and gives me a little time out of the house.  Small steps… not that I walked in small steps mind you, but I am making small steps forward.  It’s a sort of metaphor.  I never metaphor I didn’t like.  Got it?

All seriousness aside, I just want to feel better.  And for now, that means feeling better staying at home.  I need to feel more like my life matters, and I am having some fun.  Then I can think about going out more.  The world will still be there.

I need to find myself, and find ways to be happy, and have fun.  That is first, and foremost.

The Fear of Failure has to be Curable

Atychiphobia has to be curable because it is not really a disorder… it is the result of a disorder.  Results can generally be cured.  The fear of failure can be disproved thru direct action, with the help of others.  It can not be done alone.

This is not a primary issue.  But it is one that has to be dealt with.  So… I need to have more successes.  Small ones at first… around home.  As I start to feel better about things here working out,  I can start to stretch myself a little bit.

I need to slowly, thru time extinguish this fear – at least diminish is substantially.  I have a few little plans to try to help with that.  But there is some fear of failing to deal with the fear of failing… hmmm…

Just one word… Depression

I have been struggling with depression on and off over the last week plus.  I have had a few good days.  Then this last weekend things went into a tail-spin.  Sunday I was in bed almost all day.  I had tried to put together a productive plan for the weekend, but it unraveled quickly Saturday.

Lori was supportive, and tried to keep things going.  But I just did not have the energy.  I am not able to motivate, and follow thru.  It did not not help that my back has been on edge the last week as well.  But I know how to work around that most of the time.

My efforts have ground to a halt much of this last month.  I am trying to figure out where my life should be going… as I do not have a support structure.  I have lost friends, and ambition.  I have had to cancel trips, and activities.  It has been a bad year.  I do not even know what I want anymore.

And I seem to be wearing out my readers.  There is not much new to report, and the old is always the same.  Some people have said I write some good thoughts, and share things most can not.  That makes me feel better.  But my hope is to improve my own life – perhaps a little selfish, but it is what I need now.

So I am trying to keep writing.  I have 4 other blogs started… I may even finish one.

The Course of Diminishing Energies

I suffered from a lack of energy to be able to do much as far back as High School.  But I did pretty well for a while.

As people with long term chronic depression know, life gets gradually harder as time passes – without treatment at least.

The first casualty of depression is things that are fun.  By 1977, I was starting to have a harder time doing fun things.  By 1982 doing fun things was pretty much out of the question.  I was back in college preparing to become a teacher.

From 1985 on, I was able to use my energies to teach.  By 1997, my energies for that were about gone too.  In the interim, I gradually became more and more house bound when I was not at work – coaching freshman volleyball for 10 years did not help.

The 1998-9 school year was the first year I was sure I was not teaching as well as I had the year before.  I knew I had to get out.  The 1999-2000 school year started on a down note, and I continued to have more and more difficulty doing much of anything.

I left teaching at Spring Break 2000.  I could not go on.  It was all arranged as we were moving to another State… but still.

Since then, my energies have not deteriorated nearly as quickly.  But even so, I have become more limited to home.

I finally discovered that I was not a normal person, who was just very weak, when I started seeing my psychologist, and got meds in 2005.  Since then, most of my efforts have gone into slowing my loses.

Now I hope to be transitioning to working on actually getting better! 

I Do Not Even Know What I Need or Want from Life Anymore…

The last month has hit me to my core… I have lost all sense of what I want, and need from life.  I have not given up, but I currently have no direction.

I thought I had it pretty well figured out.  I thought I knew what I was needing, to get the happiness I want.  And I might still have been correct.  But I have lost all confidence in that model – so to speak.

I have been putting out a lot of energy over the years at trying to develop more, and more reliable, friendships.  It has been a disaster at every turn!  Every time I start to feel better, it blows up in my face.  And I end up worse off.  Other than family, I have not made a new close lasting friendship since 1975.  Hi Tim!  Yup… that is 38 years.  He lives in Seattle.

In the past, I have questioned my methods, my sincerity, and my choices.  But only now have I lost faith in “friends” even being an appropriate goal.  It may be unachievable… it may be unnecessary… it could be that it is just not going to happen for me.  I do not know.

Okay… fine.  What other goals have I had?  The next big one for me has been to get my shop, and hobby areas all finished, and immerse myself in designing, and building things.  The idea is to do the things I enjoy, and forget about everything outside this home.  Well… not “forget” exactly, but diminish.  To make the outside world superfluous.

It seems a much more achievable goal.  But in many months of actual effort, and great amounts of time too depressed to deal with it, I have got virtually nowhere.  To the point where even that goal seems unimportant, or simply too far away, right now.

I am at a point of having to rethink the purpose of my life.  I have to figure out not only what is important to me, but what is actually obtainable.  It would be a great reward to fly to the moon on gossamer wings, but that is not going to happen either.

I do not know where this is going… I will keep you all informed.

He’s Making a List, and Checking it 834 Times….

Well… maybe not 834 times, but each of my lists contain things that have to be very carefully thought out – whether it’s a shopping list, or a to-do list.  I don’t even write something down unless I know what it means.  And to me, the includes knowing every step to completing that one thing.

It works.  I can work off the list, and not get too anxietied out by having to figure things out as I am working.  That is the worst thing that can happen, because it drain energy very quickly… I may not even be able to finish that one thing.

This all works for me.  The process is reasonable, lowers anxiety, and gets things done. 

The problem comes when suddenly I have to add something important to the list.  This does not work very well.  It means I have to think thru something new.  Often I do not have time to think it thru thoroughly.  But if I don’t have time for that, it can make the whole house of cards fall in.

And if the new item has too many things that have to be figured out, it can make everything fall apart even before it gets started.  Then nothing happens.

Okay… I get that this is not a permanent way to deal with lists of things to be done.  It works for now, but it will have to evolve over time.  This is not a very high priority for me to deal with right now.  I have to figure out where to put my energies, and since this works (mostly), I will stick with it for a while.

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???