Tag Archives: agoraphobia

Reports of My Demise have been Greatly Made Up

I am still here… still struggling.  But I am still moving forward.  Things are slowly getting better for me at home.  I am getting more done.  There are times when I have to deal with setbacks… but isn’t that just part of life?

I have been sitting at my workbench, watching Futurama… and Once Upon a Time.  I stream them from my own Video Server.  I can get a lot done once I get into the right state of mind.  Add some espresso, and good food, and I am all set!

There are still some major problems to deal with – one thing at a time.  But I really do feel as if I am on the right track.  At least most of the time I think so.

My Social Media Burp

After careful planning, I set up a new social media account.  I made sure it was all set private, and wrote I wanted to keep a low profile.  I said I would not post much on other people’s pages, but I was there. 

I invited 12 people to be friends.  And 10 had accepted before things went horribly wrong.  I deleted the account.  I am very sorry to those friends.  I hope they see this message.  It was not your fault.

I Am a Very Weak Person

I always have been.  There have always been people who know better than I, and have more confidence than I, and who run over me without even noticing.  I have got much worse over the last few years.  This is what I was like before I was a teacher.

Teaching made me feel confident, and I was able to exert my desire, and influence more.  But since retiring, I have lost all that ground.  I have gradually become a doormat.  You don’t even have to try to run over me.  No matter how hard I try, or how long I prepare, I can not stand up.

It takes confidence to stand up for yourself… even on seemingly small things.  I back away at the first hint of failure.  Then I feel lightly around the edges for some sign of something to be self-confident about.  It usually works for a while.  But over a period of time, it wears me down, and I fold like a cheep suit.

This is ALL my fault.  There is no-one to blame but myself.  If I fall apart, it is up to me to figure out what to do – though usually I just give up.

Over time, it gets easier, and easier to give up.  And it gets easier and easier for others to give up on me.  I get is.  That is human nature.

So I retreat again… and farther.  And the next time it will be even harder for me.  I will fail even more spectacularly the next time.  Or I will finally learn to stop trying.  I gave up on making new friends… I gave out on being more social… what’s next?

There must be other things I can give up on.

I hear a very quiet… “I told you so!”    inL

Monday… Need I Say More?

Starting a new week is not so hard for me.  I am tired from stress, but I do feel as if the week carries a new alternative.  I could get off to a good start, and do more.

I have been working around the house more the last few months… trying to build more of a routine.  I think it has gone pretty well.  I have not made near as much progress on my own things – hobbies etc.  That does include a lot of projects for the house as well.  I have a wood and metal  shop in the garage… so I can make things.

I is difficult to get started.  I am still working on getting past that initial mountain of anxiety.  At the start of the day, it is hard to see the rewards… at least enough rewards to make it worth the effort.  Starting is my biggest struggle at times.  Like now.

Over the last couple of months, I have made some efforts to get out more… I have gone on a trip by myself!  My biggest disappointment has been attempts to go out for lunch… beer… or whatever with other people.

When I work on plans to get out more, things become very limited.  I can go shopping, and on photo trips.  But there is no-one to do other things with, so there are not a lot of choices.  I suppose it’s all for the best – I do better staying home.  So I am trying to think of more things I can do by myself.

This is all a matter of reorienting my life – at least parts of it.  Sometimes it seems too late for all that… we will see.

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

There is no TGIF

I have struggled thru my life on my own.  Every day is the same – take care of the house, the cats, the bills, and maybe myself.  There are not any days off.  Even on the weekends, the expectation is that I will work on the same things.  There is no break in it.

I can’t even go out my front door without planning, and dealing with anxiety.  My every move to governed by errors in my brain chemistry.  And I have been learning about dealing with it.  It takes constant effort.  I have to fight back the anxiety… and constantly remind myself to avoid depression – if I can.  I have got better at it.

The day to day things… the mundane… the normal parts of life, become nightmares sometimes.  It is all I can do to make it thru the day.  And often I do not.  Several times a week I can not fight it anymore, and have to go to bed and hide my mind.

That makes it difficult to keep going the same way on the weekends as well.  There is never a break – except now I can get away, and go to Newport.  Once a month or so, I get a couple of days to recover.  It is very welcome, though not enough.

I know people have struggles at work… in school… and with other aspects of their lives.  And everyone needs a break.  My struggles are always around me.  I do not get to go home from work for the night, or the weekend.  I do not get to finish my homework, and rest.  There are no final exams.  There is never any true rest… there is only better control.

Some of you will understand.  We live every moment within our nightmare.  It is all around us.  We take it with us.  There is no TGIF.

The Horror that is Dinner…

Sometimes I plan a nice dinner for myself.  And sometimes I actually make that dinner.  But usually, by the time evening rolls around, I am too tired – mentally tired.  Then I either don’t eat anything, or I eat whatever I can heat up.  This happened most days.

It is part of my life.  It is just something I have to live with.

Wednesday evening I was going to make a nice salmon dinner… with pot-stickers, and veggies.  It was going to be very good.  I had left-overs.  The night before, I did the same thing.  I miss out on a lot of nice dinners – I am a good cook.

How many of you know this feeling?

Sometimes by the end of the day, I am too worn out to read… or even watch TV.  I always look back on the day, and realize what I could have done.  There are so many missed opportunities.  That is the saddest part – my entire life amounts to a series of missed opportunities.

Trip the Rain Fantastic

It was wet in Newport when I was there last week.  That was just fine… I was there to relax, and read, and eat some fun foods.  I was able to sit and watch the rain and wind on the beach – the waves were big and loud.  It was relaxing.

A lot of planning and preparation went into this trip… and I think it paid off.  I am tired, and a bit drained from going, but that seems like a pretty good thing since it was my first trip alone.  I am going back next month.

So I can’t go to the grocery store, but I can drive out to the coast for a couple of nights.  Interesting.  I have always liked the Silvia Beach Hotel, since the first time Lori convinced me to go there a couple years back.  People pretty much leave you alone to read, or just look at the view – no TVs, radios, wi-fi, or any such.  I have been in all the little shops, and I liked the Pub and Bakery.

The idea of going there alone goes back more than a year.  My readers will know that last year was a bit unsettling at times… but I never lost the hope of going to Newport alone.

I paid attention to where things were, and how things felt.  I gradually built a plan.  I had enough time to slowly figure out what I would do, and where I would go.  There is the Pub, which is right down the street, and has foods, and ales I like.  There is a fantastic Wine store where the owner knows what I like.  And the hotel itself, it calm, quiet, and comfortable.  So I planned…

I think it paid off.  Though there were moments when I wanted to give up and run home, I had a very nice day Thursday – I read a book and a half.  The evenings were the hardest – as they are at home.  It was more work than I had hoped, but went better than I had expected.  That is very good.

I still have a lot to think about… but I am going to be ready to go again, and it should get easier each time.

This Blog Starts on Tuesday, Jan. 7th…

These are some short notes I wrote while in Newport, Oregon this week…

Here I am – 100 miles from home… by myself.  I have never gone on a trip by myself, to be by myself in my entire life.  Right now I am wondering about whether I have done the right thing!  My anxiety is way up, and I have a great desire to go home.

I do like it here – it is quiet, and there are nice places to eat and shop.  But mainly I am here because of the wonderful Ocean View reading room on the 3rd floor.  I am in the Jules Verne room of the hotel – there is a squid tentacle across the ceiling… it is a little intimidating!  I have some fresh 3-cheese sourdough bread, and wine, so I am not starving.

But the big thing is that I am here!

It is my hope for this to become a place for me to go and get away – what do I have to get away from?  A fair question.  It is not as if I have a complicated life that needs a lot of relaxation.  Actually… it is exactly like I have a complicated life, and need a lot of relaxation.  I need to get away. We have been coming here for a couple of years, so I already feel comfortable here, but this is a bit more of a test.

I have already had several episodes of wanting to run away.  It hurts.  I have put a lot of time and effort into being able to come here.  I can not give up so easily.

Day2

Well… I have actually been here less than a day.  But it is my full day here.  I had a nice breakfast, and then went out to get the things I forgot – toothpaste et.al.  I am back on the 3rd floor in the ocean view reading room.  Much of my day will be here – I do not feel like going out.

Last night was very difficult.  After dinner at Nana’s Pub, I came back to read.  As the evening went on, my anxieties grew.  I had to fight a huge desire to go home.  It took a long time to get to sleep… though I did sleep well once I fell off.

I have been preparing my thoughts for this rip for over a month.  I know this place well enough to have figured out exactly what I would do each day – almost each hour.  That keeps me going.  All I have to decide is what to eat.  And I studied the menu of the one place I am going, so I know what to expect.  This is a place for reading, and my Kindle is full.  And I have music and movies on my tablet.  So I planned carefully to the last detail.

I could not have even thought of doing this f I did not know, and like this place so much.  I have had this concept in the back of my thoughts for over a year.  I was very careful.

Yesterday when I arrived, I was ready for everything to go wrong.  I was worried, and upset.  But so far, everything has been just as planned – except locking my keys in the car.  But then, that is why I had a spare key in my pocket.  I was very careful in my planning.  I only forgot to bring my snacks… so I bought some here.  No problem.

I Need to say more about Myself

I am very happily married – though there are those flashes!

We “get” each other, and know when to just say to ourselves, “whatever”… and move on.  We know what is really important… and we know what is NOT.  We know that flashes of emotion, are only displays of our deeper wants, and needs.  There is joy wrapped within them.  And it all makes us stronger.

Here is the thing.  I am going to write even more about my own experience within my own world.  I am going to write about why I believe things.  And I know the process of resolving conflicts with our beliefs, can become empowering.  I have done much of this… but I have not organized the thoughts.  There needs to be more structure to it.

My brain does not work the way most people’s do.  But it also gives me some interesting abilities.  I can easily view 3D images in my mind… rotating then… even exploding them to visualize all the parts… screws… and whatever, in 3 Dimensions.

I can conceptualize a 4D object… I can “visualize” the axis grid…

So I know my brain is not diminished.  I am okay.  Even if my mind comes up with odd conclusions ,there is no reason to diminish my intellect.  If you can not connect to the concepts I present, then maybe it is your intellect that is lacking.  Or not.

There really is no way of  knowing.

If you know me, you know my mind does not work as yours does.  But is it Wrong?

Separating Behavior from Thought… a difficult battle for those few who find the need to Define Themselves to Themselves.

When you are depressed you loose the ability to intellectually… do anything.  That is not an option.  But we still feel the emotional side… and there is also our philosophical side – it may be our religion, or any philosophical concept of existence.

You become a captive held away from the World.  Depression takes away our ability to defend ourselves.  So we hide.  We run away.  We will do anything to avoid the ___ that comes at us.  And each of us has our own Structure of Fear… the things we need to avoid.  No-one can point to any example of how they feel, because there are no examples… everyone is different. 

There is nowhere to point your finger.  So to most people, what you say is little more than fantasy.  You know the feeling… when something so deeply within you, is smiled upon as a passing fancy by those you share it with.  What becomes important to us, is but trivia to them…

Back-Up Plans… Not Mine…

People have back-up plans for things that are important.  But I am not writing here about normal kinds of back-ups… it is the people who know me.

When I say I will try to go out, people come up with other plans for when I crash out, and can’t go.  I know they are just being “realistic”.  I get that.  But it shows me that no-one really expects me to be able to  follow thru.  I tend to think everyone just assumes the “back-up” plans are actually the “real” plans.  I may be wrong… but that is how I feel!

It takes away my energy, and desire to even try.  I am a failure before I start the day.  And it hurts me to my core.  This is the attitude that finally drove me away from Facebook.  That is not what friends do.  Friends stand behind you, and encourage you no matter what has happened.

I understand that over the decades, I have earned a bad reputation for not following thru.  I guess I have earned that.  But how much of it has been self-fulfilling?  There have been many times when in the face of doubters, I just give up – why put out all the effort when everyone thinks it’s hopeless anyway?  Why do things with people who expect me to cancel??

Today (New Year’s Eve) I am fighting this very problem.  Now I think I will not go out this evening.  All the energy and desire to go have evaporated.  Why bother trying?

Trying takes a lot of effort.  And I have to plan it very carefully.  The effort last all day, or even several days while I am getting ready.  It takes a major commitment.  And it is no longer important enough for me to even try.

People will end up having more fun if I just stay home.  Then they can do what they want, and leave me to myself.  That is what happens most of the time.  Everyone seems to like it this way best.