Tag Archives: agoraphobia

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

“I don’t want anything…”

I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

garden-party-table-close_horizIf there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

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Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada

A Pattern Develops…

What I am experiencing in my life now, is that same pressure that has pushed so many Depressives into solitude.  It does not matter that I would like to be social… I never can be.  So life is easier if I disappear.

I should have given up a decade ago.  There has never really been any chance of me having friends.  I can never fit in.  There was only a few years in my life when I did have friends… sadly, that was about when my brain started going really off.

When I try, something goes wrong… I end up just upsetting people.  And it pushes me a little farther away.  I get to where I do not want any interaction with people… that way they can’t let me down.  Except, it really is my fault.  I am the common thread.  I am the one who is different.  I am the one who doesn’t fit in.

I can not understand the way people react… or more commonly, don’t react.  My frustration at being isolated often overcomes me, and I go too far.  I have to stop trying.  I have to stay away from people as much as I can.

Maybe then I will find some peace and happiness.

Beware of the Agoraphobes Amongst Us

Yes… we are out there.  Most of us can push ourselves to go out.  That does not mean it was easy… it also does not mean it was not fun << Crap!  Done in by the old double-negative (like “non-fiction”).

Things can be fun, and even more draining than things that are not fun.  I can have fun.  But it can also cause anxiety – especially if it means challenging my boundaries.  And a LOT of things do that.

The BIGGEST PROBLEM is that once people see you out, they assume that’s it.  To most of them, you are now cured.  If you fall back, that works against you.  People do not see the cost of the effort to plan, and hope to go out, on any efforts to feel… good.

We can get very easily discouraged when others expect us to make more progress now, because we did so well……… so…… why should we try so hard… again?

“I do not do birthdays”

I used to say this a lot around this time of year.  I probably still would if I was around people much.  I do not like my birthday – I do not remember ever liking it much.

I do not know why.

The closer I get to my birthday, the more invisible I become.  I go off social media, and turn off my phone.  The last thing I want is to have people wishing me a Happy Birthday.  I hide.  It really does help.  But it is not a lasting solution…

I have not worked on this problem – it only comes up once a year, so it’s not such a bad thing.  It has been easy to let it slide.  And a couple of days from now, it will not be a problem again.  It will slip away for another year.

There have been very nice birthdays… one party when I was 22 was great.  Since then… not so much.  This is entirely my fault.  I hide, and do not let people get close around my birthday.  I say I do not want anything… because that is how I feel.  So the good intentions, and even efforts, of others, get blocked.

Things are what they are, and I just need to relax, and ignore…

Managing My Emotions

I do not control how strongly I feel my emotions.

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I stay home, and hide.

It is mostly an effort to keep emotions from swarming over me, and taking control of my life.  When I was young, I could control things a bit better… not a lot, but a bit.  Now I just want to find some peace in my mind… I want the emotions to roll back, and let me enjoy life.  And I can only do that here.

Today, I have to avoid as many emotional entanglements as I can.  It is a quiet life.  It is the only life I have found where I can relax much, if not most of the time.  I like my home.  I do not see it as a prison… though it feels like it some times.

Emotions swirl thru my mind, until all I can do is listen, or escape them.  I prefer to escape.  But that leaves me vulnerable to the emotions, actions, or whims of others.

So I am here.  And it can be a very nice life… very happy.  That ends up depending on the actions of others.

The most balanced times of my life, have been when I was truly alone… when I lived alone.  Even when I was teaching, I could go home.  There was a place for me.

And that is what I am building here.

Right now… I am sitting here with the lights low… candles and stained glass lamps.  A scented candle adds a pleasant aroma to the air.  My kitties around me.  It is a place of dreams… a place I can only hope will continue.

A place of Peace of mind.

A Man, a Plan, a Canal, Panama

A nice palindrome.

Ortelius_-_Maris_Pacifici_1589

I do not do well at traveling.  People who know me, know that.

Sometimes, someone will suggest a place to go… it is interesting.  So we talk about it.  There are enticing ideas of things we could do, and I get optimistic.  And there will be a plan.  So I wait… they will have a plan.  And I wait… and wait…

People who know me also know my brain never stops thinking.  So I roll the idea around in the back of my mind.  In an absence of new information, my brain comes up with more bad things about the trip, than good things.  Eventually, I reach a tipping point where I no longer feel comfortable with the whole idea.

Then they get mad at me.  It is my fault that I was not patient enough to wait for the plans, which never seem to be forthcoming.  I could just assume it will happen, but my brain does not, never has, and probably never will be able to do that.  People know that about me.

But no matter how many times people see the same results, they will keep trying to plan trips by the same method.  What did Einstein say about intelligence?  I am supposed to rewire my brain, and react to the same stimuli in a new way.  But they – the sane ones – get to follow the same path, and it always becomes my fault.

I am growing very tired of this.

SO… I will NOT travel overnight to any new places for the remainder of this year, nor probably throughout all of next year as well.  If others wish to travel, I will wish them a Bon Voyage.

Again… I can not change the way my brain works, and I have grown increasingly unable to push myself beyond my limits, to meet the conditions meted out by others.

A Sense of Community

I live in Woodburn, Oregon. 

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As I have mentioned, it is the only city in Oregon with a majority of “minorities”.   People seem to react to that when I am asked where I am from – mostly in Newport.

I feel a tremendous sense of community here… and that is a pretty big thing to say for an agoraphobe.  But everywhere I go in town, I am made to feel comfortable.  I am greeted kindly, and enthusiastically where-ever I go.  And in places I go frequently (for me) I have been greeted by name… even though I have never told them…

People in this town care about each other.  I do not fear the people where I go… even new places.  I feel very much at home here, and I resent the implication that there is something wrong with where I live!

You want me to unfriend you?  Just react to Woodburn in anyway that smacks of racial prejudice… or that there is something wrong with this town.  I love it here.

Caliban the Krazy Man

This is my little Caliban – not so little really, he is 17 pounds.  But I always think of him as the Little Man.

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Caliban has been missing since last Sunday night.  That is not very long… but it feels like an eternity.  My kitties take care of me.  And Caliban loves to sleep on my desk right here by me.  He is a companion for an agoraphobe.

I have not been thinking about much else the last few days… I know that is not good for me, but it is all I can do.  It has been harder to think clearly about much at all.

But my hopes are still high, and I am doing the best I can.

Inside out, and Outside In

Some things are going well… and some things are not.  But overall, I like the direction I am headed.  I suspect this is all part of my plan.

At home, things are going very well.  I am getting more done, and feeling better about it.  There are still some anxiety management issues… and I am not going to let myself go crazy with expectations.  I know the anxiety is here to stay – nothing magic will make it just go away.  But I am more positive about managing it (at home) than I have been for a long time.

It’s getting out, and socializing that is not working.  Once again, being more comfortable in what I am doing, may be making it harder to do other things.  I will deal with them later.  But I have got my hopes up about doing things with people a couple of times, only to have it fall apart.  Crap…

BUT… one things at a time… right?

I still crash out a few times a week, but now about half the time I will read in bed instead of just hiding under the covers.  Another improvement.  I may read junky books sometimes, but SO WHAT!

There are times when I can get lost in my own activities – sure, it does not last long, but at least it happens.  I try to pay more attention to these times than to when I am feeling bad – I am not doing very well at that.  Things will get better.

No Good Thought Starts With…

“I need…” or  “I just…”

If I let my mind become too relaxed, and wandering, I can easily end up in bad places.  Bad thoughts…  And those thoughts usually start with the words, “I need” or “I just”.  After that, not many good things happen.

I am trying to catch myself when I think those words… I tell myself it will not lead anywhere productive.  So far this helps.  I know I need to change my thinking, and move on to something positive.  It helps.  Though it does take effort… and constant awareness.

Over the last few years, I have learned many little tricks, and things to look out for.  These 2 phrases are only the most recent.  I have found lots of little things to watch out for.  Do I have my wallet?  When I start getting too many OC behaviors, I know my anxiety is up.  That was one of the first things I learned to watch for.

A few months ago I caught the “I just” phrase, and then the “I need”.  Now… all these little “rules” add up, and can create their own stresses.  But overall, it helps to be aware of them.

I just stop myself, and start off on a new thought.  It does help.

Tell What, Don’t Ask

I got a very good grade in Cryptic 210.

If you want to give a piece of advice to friends of people with anxiety disorders – They should try saying what they are going to do, instead of asking what you want.

Asking creates anxiety – for me, I have to consider all the ramifications.

For Example:  One could say – I am going to start a fire, and move outside in about an hour… if you would like to join me…

Versus:  Do you want to go outside with me in about an hour?

The second one requires a tremendous about of thought for someone like me.  If I am not ready for this, it could cause me to crash.  If I have such a great responsibility, it will become undecidable.  There is not way to know enough to make the right choice.  But I am the one who has to decide the outcome…

In the first example… I can relax, and think about it for a while.  The more relaxed I can be, the greater the likely hood I will go along with the flow.

And I think there are a lot of people like me… Atychiphobia.  The fear of failure.  It means everything must be figured out, to the last detail.  Which of course, is impossible.  Crash.  Even if you deal with it, it drains.  You have to fight the fears, and push on.  There will be less energy for other things.

Every time you have to go thru this cycle, a little bit of energy is lost.  Hell… sometimes a LOT of energy is lost.  There is no predicting.  But… sooner or later, there will not be enough energy left to make it thru the next “situation”.  Some days we do better than other (of course), but there can be big swings.  Good days, and bad.

So PLEASE do not add to the burden by phrasing things in terms of a question.  We are not playing Jeopardy.  Except our own.