Tag Archives: agoraphobe

I used to Keep a Journal

In 2013, I completed about 17 journals. I was doing a lot of writing. So far this year, I have written… maybe 1. I am not sure why I stopped. But it happened in just a couple of weeks.

I have not wanted to try to figure out what happened, but for some reason it just didn’t matter anymore. Since then, I have tried starting up again… it only lasts a few days. I have only written a few pages in the last 6 months.

Writing was therapeutic. It helped me organize my thoughts towards understanding where the hell I was. It stopped helping. I think it’s important to understand why.

Before the internet, I used to write letters. Long letters. People don’t write letters anymore. It’s a little sad. Writing is more personal, and more expressive. Here, I have plain, bold, italic… but every word I write carries its own expression. That’s also why I like fountain pens.

When I write, the word flows out of my pen. The loops vary… the width of the line varies. There is emotion in every movement of the pen. The same word will vary in appearance in different parts of the same writing – emotion changes and flows.

A keyboard can never do that.

A Sense of Community

I live in Woodburn, Oregon. 

WDB-1209a-035

As I have mentioned, it is the only city in Oregon with a majority of “minorities”.   People seem to react to that when I am asked where I am from – mostly in Newport.

I feel a tremendous sense of community here… and that is a pretty big thing to say for an agoraphobe.  But everywhere I go in town, I am made to feel comfortable.  I am greeted kindly, and enthusiastically where-ever I go.  And in places I go frequently (for me) I have been greeted by name… even though I have never told them…

People in this town care about each other.  I do not fear the people where I go… even new places.  I feel very much at home here, and I resent the implication that there is something wrong with where I live!

You want me to unfriend you?  Just react to Woodburn in anyway that smacks of racial prejudice… or that there is something wrong with this town.  I love it here.

Great Session! Then, Kaboom!!

I went to session yesterday morning, and it was really great!  We came up with 2 things for me to plan, to work on over the next 3 weeks.  I went on to see my psychiatrist, and ran into my first problem – she was double booked, and I could not see her.

I went off home, and did not stop for the errands I had felt so good about doing, just an hour before.  I was wiped out, and my anxiety was high.  I felt depression coming on, but I knew it would pass, and I would be okay.

Then the roof fell in.  Not literally, but that would actually have been better.  I can not say what happened, but it blew me away.  I am off Facebook again… this time I think it will be a long time before I go back.

I am physically ill about it.  My hands are still shaking.  I have not eaten, and have no energy for it.  My world just got a lot smaller.

It is so hard to try to be social when you are an agoraphobe… Social Media was a God-send.  Was…  Now I feel more alone than I ever have been.  And I do not know what to do…  I can not trust anyone anymore.

This will have a great negative affect on my Blogs as well.  The great majority of visitors were FB “friends”.  So this too may fade away now.

I don’t know.

My Social Life as a Teacher

I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years.  It was in many ways the height of my life.  I fulfilled my obligation to give back to society more than I got from it.  But I had virtually no social life during that time.  I went out with other teachers on my own, only 5 times during those years – twice with administrators.  I think I went to one Christmas party.

I did go to many of the year-end parties… but that was a time when I was letting go of myself, and many of my normal defenses were down.  It was fun though!  I even went with Lori once!  But that was not really me.

All I did was teach.  I had not had a real social life since 1977.  And that was all I could do… teach.  It was all my fault of course… no-one pushed me in any direction… it was just me.  There are many things I could have done to make my life better.  But I did not.

There are some people from all these years that I feel closer to.  Most don’t know it.  There are people I miss… they don’t know that either.  I missed out on some great opportunities to develop very close, lasting friendships.  It could have left me much better off than I am now.  I probably would have taught for 2-3 more years if I had had that support while I was there.

But I did not do anything to make that happen… so it didn’t.  I am not complaining.  I know it is all my own fault, and my own responsibility.  All I can do now is try to make as much of my current life as I can.

I have one close friend… from my archery days.  (I am not counting family members, and I have found a sister there)  And he has always been there for me… even when we didn’t talk for years.  I wish he lived closer – he knows that.  But he is in Seattle.  We have been friends since 1976 – that’s a long time.  We have been through a lot together really.

Anyway… this rambling Blog has gone on too long – I try to keep them short.  These are just a few more of the things I have to think about.  And as an agoraphobe, I have a LOT of time to think.