Tag Archives: abandon

Being a Second Class Person

Because I am “crazy”, people can justify filtering, or ignoring things I say.  People can apply their own double standards because things I say can’t be trusted – my emotions are all over the place, so my logic can be discounted.  This especially happens if my emotions runnith-over, because we all know “crazy” people can’t be logical or talk right.

In all fairness, I do sometimes mess up how I am trying to say something… usually by leaving of the first part of my thought.  But that is followed by comments of my not making “any” sense, and increasing the amount of what I say that can be ignored.  No explanation can rehabilitate my thought, because why?  Cuz I am Crazy.  Move on.

Just the other evening, Lori contended a double standard was appropriate.  She did not have to follow the same rules of logic I did… because I am “crazy”.  She can ignore things I say, OR reinterpret them as she sees fit.  All this because I am “crazy”.

People don’t answer pleas for help… how could they?  I am “crazy” so there is clearly nothing they can do to help.  Walk away.

When people THINK there is nothing they can do, they walk away.  They never find out what they could have done… how they could have made a positive difference.  But that’s ok…  I am “crazy”.

I have a recorded IQ of over 150… I’m no genius, but I am smart.  People who know me have told me I am smart. Yet… when I act the least bit “crazy”, or even some way they think might be a little bit “crazy”, they can dismiss, ignore, or rewrite any of it.  Ignore me.

I’m not sure they realize what they are doing… they may think “Poor Neil…” or one thing I have read written about me more than once, “That’s just Neil.”  Meaning `just ignore it’.  Just ignore Neil.  He will go away… he always does.  Then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.  It’s not really any else’s problem anyway.

How easily all this could have been avoided… 40 years ago.

Christmas is Over…

I was looking forward to Christmas this year. I wish it was over.

I have no family or friends. There is no-one I want to see. There is no-one I know of who wants to see me. People can talk a good line, but no-one has tried to contact me in any way… not as a friend.

People who claim to be “family” have no right to do so. They have shunned me, and avoided me. Even when I have reached out to them in my times of desperation… they have not been there. Their silence screams volumes.

I am tired of my life.

Every time I have thought I had found a friend, they have turned their backs on me. Sound familiar H.N. or B.R.? The result is always the same… I am alone.

I understand that people don’t like to deal with me, or have me around, but that is never what they say.

Leave me alone.

I Know What I Should by Writing About.

I should write about my plans, and my progress.  And the plans still look good, and there is still progress.  Things will get better.

But my mind is not there.

I do not want to be here right now.  I wish I could sleep for 3 days, and everyone else could do what they want.  I am staying home for Christmas… no-one is coming over.  I can not deal with the whole Christmas thing now.  There is no joy in it for me… I just wish it was over!

So my thoughts are now about trying to get thru the next few days without ruining things even more than I already have.  Everyone blames me for things falling apart – that is fair.  It is my fault.  I just want to more on to things I can actually improve.

So I will go on now… and try to survive it all.

Merry Christmas!

I Know I Over-react… But Doesn’t that Mean I Am Reacting in the Right Direction?

I have emotional issues – everyone can see that.  Sometimes I over-react to things, and people run away.  But I think my reactions are at least going in the correct direction – I am reacting correctly at least initially.  Then I go too far…

I understand that people are taken-aback by it.  But I never hear from them.  Oh there are occasionally people who try to help.  But the people I thought I could rely on most, are nowhere to be seen.  And so I withdraw farther into my own world.  It is a nice world… it could rain more though.

Maybe people think these are issues best dealt with within the family.  For me, that means between me and Lori – there is no other family.  Or maybe I should talk with my closest friends – those were the people on Facebook.  So I am left with writing about things here, in my journals, and talking with my cats (not great conversationalists).

The process is very familiar to me.  It has been a central story in my life.  I reach out, and others pull back.  Lori gets more responses to my over-reacting than I do.  But it seems to me clear that I am the one most in need.  It is a dynamic that sucks the energy and hope out of me.  I have to deal by myself.

The first step for me is always to pull back, and go farther into hiding.  If they do not need me, I can not let myself need them.  It is not as easy as it sounds, so I am not sure how others do it!  Maybe they just click their friend-counter down one notch, and move on.

Now… that is a bit harsh.  I am not giving them a break.  Clearly other things are affecting them in their choices.  I just do not know what those things are.  I am left to my imagination as to what is really happening, and why.

Whatever is happening, it is centered on me.  It is my fault… and my responsibility.  So I will go on, and reach out where I can.

Still Here!

I know I have not written for too long… but it has been a mentally busy time.  I have had a lot of ups and downs.

I tried very hard to be involved in a 4th of July party, but ultimately, I did not have the energy to go.  It was a big down point for me.

And I have been dragged down farther because of my loss of my therapist.  It all seems so surreal.  After 8-1/2 years to be just put off so easily – by email.  It all seems like I will wake up from it at any moment.

But I won’t…

I think I am doing okay, but I know there are many things I need help with – I keep thinking of things I need to talk about in session.  And I have barely scratched the surface.

So I will try to move forward, and write more here.  I just feel abandoned, and more alone.  That will not pass.

Therapy for having No Therapy?

This story goes back a ways, so follow along.

I started seeing my psychologist in late 2004, and for several years went every week.  I got better.  I cut down how often I went, but kept going.

Over the last year and a half, there were 3 times I went for appointments that were not to be.  One was a misunderstanding, and the other 2 were mistakes she made.

I’m agoraphobic, so going for a 40 minutes trip each way is difficult.  After each of those episodes, I did not go back for a while – almost 3 months in one case.  But each time, I eventually got back into my sessions.

At the beginning of May, I asked about an appointment for the next week.  She said she might have to testify in court (she is a forensic psychologist) so she would get back to me in a couple of days.  A week later she emailed that she could do it.

By then it was too late for me to get ready to go on such short notice, and I figured it would then be at least another week.  I was angry.  So I said “Too late.  I will not be coming back.”  I also canceled my disclosure agreements.  So I assume I was no longer a real patient of hers.

Last Sunday I emailed saying I would like to see her again after the 4th.  She emailed back that she thought it was time for me to move to a new psychologist, and she could help me transition.  Her reasoning was the the gaps in session indicated we were at a plateau, and I needed a different approach.

I was quite taken aback.  In April, I had brought up that I thought I was sort of at a plateau in improving my anxieties, and I wanted to start working more on implementation – I even wrote a Blog about this.  And it was going very well.  We figured out a plan to reduce my weekly anxiety, and help me get more done at the same time.

It worked better than I had hoped!  I’m still doing this new stuff.

But I not longer have a psychologist.  I feel abandoned, and turned away.  I even feel anger.  But I have completely collapsed mentally.  I get nothing done… and just try to accept where I am now.