What is this Blog for?

I started writing my Blog when I was feeling very lost, and I needed a way to communicate… especially to people who knew me. I was going thru therapy, and trying to put together all the little pieces I was learning about myself.

I was trying to move back into the mainstream, while hopefully saying some things that sounded familiar to some other people. I wanted to do something.

That all changed.

Somewhere back a couple of years… or so. As I slid farther into isolation, I would stop writing for periods. My Blogs and my journal writing became sporadic. I tried to keep going, but I found fewer and fewer things to write about… NOT fewer things to think about… I just didn’t see the point in writing about them.

I feel a little selfish saying I had hoped for my outreach to help me with building friendships too. I thought if only I could make people understand, they would be more likely to want to be friends. It did not work out that way. If anything, I think it has served to frighten them, and push them even farther into history.

Now they are all gone… if they were ever there to begin with.

I have come to realize that no-one in their “right mind” would ever want to be friends with me. I am “crazy”. I have said so myself in these Blogs. And it seems everyone took it to heart. And now I have finally given up on friends.

So what is this Blog for?

I have no idea. I have a few followers. So someone is reading. And I still may have useful things to say. But now it has become more of a burden than a blessing. It should not be like that.

I either need to find a new reason for writing. Or I should give it up and move on. I am not ready to decide. But I have to think about it… I have too many things to think about. It slips thru the cracks in my thoughts. I can not decide much of anything anymore.

I have moved completely off the grid. To all those people I knew, I have vanished. I no longer exist. Even to myself, I am a shadow of myself.

Can a Gryffindor Live with a Slytherin?

It can be tough at times.  But Lori’s Slytherin training, and contacts have taken her far in the business world.  She has her ways you know.   And she seems to be able to keep a tight reins on her friends and family…

As a Gryffindor, I try to work together with everyone, to make things flow along more smoothly.  Be open and outgoing I always say.

gryffindor_shieldI am not sure about the “evil” part though.  Lori have not been terribly evil most of the time.  Of course… she is gone working a lot.  And she has been known to fire people around Christmas.  So I keep my eyes open.

If only it weren’t a snake…

The Long Slow Road

I am in transition.

I have spent my whole life in almost total fear that I would end up alone. And I usually have been alone. And I do not mean “by myself” – I mean no-one in my life other than Lori.

It is okay… this is where I belong. Over the last year+, I have gradually been pulling away into my whole world. I was on and off Facebook, but never felt the comfort there that I had for years before. It just doesn’t seem to fit into my life just now.

Home is what matters, and that is where I should stay. There are things I can do, and even places I can go. They know me at Nana’s Pub! Do I need more?

This last week, I struggled with a lot of depression. I had too many of those days when I was trying to sleep way too much.

But I am much better now.

I have been meditating and letting my thoughts free-flow. I can relax, and I can adapt. I actually have been adapting to this result for most of my life… I just wasn’t willing to pay attention. Now I am. Now I see the only path ahead.

There can be happiness in my life. I will be 60 in a few months, so it is about time I accept my limitations, and that they mean I can not have close friendships in my life.

I am finally OK with that.

It Started in 1962

I have always been this crazy. I have just grown tired of fighting it. So… how would I start getting better? I could find new ways of fighting it. Or, find ways to live with it.

I am fine with working to live with it. But only one other person is willing to. I actually hope I am wrong about that, but it is what I believe, and what I feel.

There have been so many years. I was in the 2nd grade when I had my first panic attack. I remember it with disturbing clarity. Mom remembered it too. It had a permanent effect on me, and what I would be able to do, to this day.

From that day to this, I remember all the feelings. As I write this, and am trying to make some decisions, and visions of that day run thru my mind. This happens often… and there are other memories. Endlessly many.

It pushes me to stop. It makes every effort to do anything a fight with my mind.

Memories can truly haunt.

And that is where I am today.

OMG!

I just realized that was what my psychologist was so good at. She was able to get my mind to put aside those memories, and see more clearly. It helped.

Though… it May Not Seem Like It

It does not always feel, or even seem like things are getting better. I tell myself things are better… sometimes Lori says I am doing better. I never know.

Fridays are usually bad – I am faced with a weekend, and the possibility of getting more things done. It rarely works out, and I do know that. So I am fighting the desire to pack it in, and give up on any plans. That is by far the easiest solution.

Is it obvious that it’s not the right solution? Obvious or not, it is the path of least resistance. We are like water, and electricity… we follow the path of least resistance. Except that we are supposed to have free will. Whatever that is.

I will go to bed early, and try to sleep thru the night. There will be nightmares – like last night. The more stress, the more nightmares there are. They may just be dreams, but they take all will out of me.

We do get better… it just doesn’t always feel like it.

“We get better.”

 

Things have not gone well.

But – I still think and feel that things are getting better. And that things will continue to get better over the foreseeable future.

Of course there will be set-backs. And I will have many dark times. But things will get better. And my life will improve.

I know it. 

(in the non-scientific definition of “know”)

Taking Some Time Off

I have been taking some time away from Blogging (here), as I have been working thru some details of my thoughts. I am closing doors… Doors that were probably only in my imagination anyway.

Any kind of social life if not going to work. But my life here at home, and with Lori, is my social life.

There is a bar, where when I walk in, they start to draw me a Guinness even before I sit done! So I do have a social life. And there’re my kitties.

I did not stop Blogging altogether, I only stopped on my most public Blogs. I have another. It is for my darker thoughts, and my dark side. But there is time to write here as well.

My thoughts have been more private. I needed a smaller audience for a while.

I am settling in.

Biopsy Results… or Lack Thereof

I had thought today I would be writing about my test results, and how I feel. I can write about how I feel.

This is the 3rd time I have had a canceled appointment. At least with the others I had several days’ notice. To be fair, I canceled 1, because I could not get a call-back to answer some questions about it. They never called back. I left 3 messages.

I need to get this over with, so I rescheduled for Dec. 23rd. Not a great date, but I suppose I need to get it done.

How I am feeling?

There are several things tearing at my mind. One is that I can’t possible have to go thru all this again. The other is that no-one I know has made any comments about all this to me at all. Of course, people I know also know me… so they tend to stay away and not say anything.

Isn’t that what friends are for?

As I have said, I have no friends. No-one reaches out (except B.C.). It has always been that way. People run away when things get tough.

Tomorrow I Get My Biopsy

Tomorrow I go in for a biopsy. The doctor told me the odds, and they seem in my favor. But I understand Math well enough to know that “odds” are just a best guess. They do not mean anything.

I am not even sure I care. It is not like there is some reason why I would like to draw out my life any longer than it has to be.

The Pit is always there beneath me. I can not avoid it. There will be no-one to catch me… or help me up when I fall. I am left to my own devises to find ways out of my problems. I suppose that is how it is supposed to be.

This is not how I ever dreamed the world would be – cold and indifferent. Come… go… we don’t care. Just don’t inconvenience us with sad tales.

Christmas is Over…

I was looking forward to Christmas this year. I wish it was over.

I have no family or friends. There is no-one I want to see. There is no-one I know of who wants to see me. People can talk a good line, but no-one has tried to contact me in any way… not as a friend.

People who claim to be “family” have no right to do so. They have shunned me, and avoided me. Even when I have reached out to them in my times of desperation… they have not been there. Their silence screams volumes.

I am tired of my life.

Every time I have thought I had found a friend, they have turned their backs on me. Sound familiar H.N. or B.R.? The result is always the same… I am alone.

I understand that people don’t like to deal with me, or have me around, but that is never what they say.

Leave me alone.

Trying to Have No Feelings…

I was in Newport this week. I spent a couple of nights at my favorite place. I had one small panic attack – being so far from home. But it was a very nice trip… I read “Goblet of Fire”.

I come home, and have to resume my “normal” life. I don’t really know whether going helps in the long run. But I am not going to worry about that now. The time for that will be before the next trip.

I had some depression earlier today. I can feel it near.

It gets so hard to keep trying to push it away. It’s either that or fighting anxiety. Nice combination.

Everyone has situational anxiety… I am talking about chronic anxiety. Anxiety that exists for no reason. It just is.

My thoughts are kind of meandering. I don’t know how I feel. There are things I need to be doing, but I have no energy.

Here’s Another Fine Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into…

My brain won’t let me live a normal life. I get that. And I have to go thru the depression. I get that too. But can’t there be more happy times to balance it out? I mean… that would really be a big help.

And ya know… I do not get a lot of solace from things being better than they were without meds. They don’t work for everyone, but they greatly shorten my depressive periods. Of course, this means I can be depressed more often! Nice…

But… no matter what I say or write, Depression is a part of my life, and I have to accept that, and learn to live around it.

 

P.S. “The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.”

Unstable to the Last

I have to be very careful about interacting socially. Recently I tried getting back on Facebook. It was okay, as I tried to hold a low profile. But it wasn’t enough, and I got sucked in.

I pretty much stayed to myself, and on my own page. I “liked” some posts, and posted on my own page. A couple days ago – or was it yesterday – I commented on a friend’s page. It was a simple little comment… but someone decided to call me a “fool”.

I felt it physically. All through my chest I felt a swirling that I know all too well. My mind started to freeze up… and the world seemed to go a little dark. I could feel the panic. I deleted my comment, and went off Facebook. Then I went to bed.

I tried going back on a couple hours later, but just couldn’t stay. If I cannot comment on friend’s pages, then what is the point? I cannot know how people will respond when I don’t even know them. So I have to stay away from friend’s pages.

Fear took control… and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am emotionally unstable, and it makes me want to hide away even more. I am going to stay home… for a while. Now it will take me some time to put the pieces back together. And I will try again sometime…

Anxiety rules my life. Fear takes control. I have to take a back seat when anxiety takes over. And of course, depression is not ever far behind. Hours… days of hiding away, only to be right back in the same place a few days or weeks later. What has happened will happen again.

Nothing ever seems to get better. Today I am not as optimistic as I normally can be.