Inner Workings

I have spent a lot of time (don’t ask) thinking about where the boundary is… where do things fall from reality, to an unknown. At some point, my brain diverts from the Norm, and stops seeing things as they are. Where is that? Where does that happen?

In trying to find it, I am looking for some kind of Identifier… some little blip that might give me advance warning of what is ahead. I can’t imagine how such a thing could exist… how could I possible see something coming from inside? Let alone finding a tweak that could avoid it… There is a sort of built in ignorance to it.

But I look at the mechanizations of it all, and try to find a pattern. I see multidimensional structures, sometimes almost the entire house of cards. Seeing the cards is hard enough… building them up into something recognizable is ridiculously complex. Then comes finding a way to hold it there… to make it stay standing. Impervious. Indestructible. Strong enough to give me freedom, and equality to interact with the world. But alas……

My brain is constantly trying to understand how to communicate correctly with human beings. And so far, it is not going very well. J

Should I move to Elnor?

Facebook Tribulations

I have been on and off Facebook so many times the last few years, I have lost count. I took an occasional Facebreak, but I first got blown off in December 2013. I was pleading for help from people I thought were friends, and one I most trusted told me basically to shut-up.

I was blown away. I did not understand what was happening. I still don’t totally. But I have been unsuccessful at staying back on FB ever since. There is more to fear, than to gain. I am on right now, but I don’t visit often… mostly just to post about a new Blog.

I enjoyed the banter… but that aspect is gone now. Most people I was FB friends with back in better times, won’t respond to friend requests the last time I tried – in June. This time I have sent out few requests… though I was surprised at not hearing back from some.

There have been a few friends that have always come back. that makes me smile. J

Even so, it is not the same…

That was, and still probably is, the only avenue I have for human interaction. The Blog is mostly one-way. So I have come back to try FB from time to time. It just never feels safe, or right anymore.

It is self-perpetuating… the more I go on and off, the fewer people show any interest. That makes sense to me. They are tired of dealing with it – so am I. Maybe that’s it… I don’t know. But whatever it is, Facebook draws me like a fly to a lamp. I try again…

A Test in Reality

I understand the process that makes my brain go in such interesting directions. But I can not predict it… I can not see it happening… I can not even see it in hind sight. If you think you saw a green car, no amount of inner thought can change it. Only further examination could determine it was actually blue. Only when it is pointed out to me, can I see there was perhaps a mistake.

I say “perhaps” because it will always seem to me as if I did the correct thing the first time. Intellectually, I see that it was indeed in error. There is no dissonance here because there seems to be no connection between the two. I know how I felt, and I know what probably happened… they feel like two entirely different events. So I can live with both perceptions.

Perception is not reality.

Knowing all this is nice, but doesn’t do anything to help. Since I know I can not always trust my reactions and I will still react as I do, I am left walking a mine field. And the mines are very interesting, because I don’t even notice the explosion. Everyone else will probably think the booming blast, and shrapnel are pretty obvious… while I think all is as it should be.

Any time I try to be social, I start setting off mines… walking along not noticing anything wrong, I don’t see the rubble building up behind me. By the time I put the pieces together, the damage is long since past. There is nothing to be done for it.

So I have no social life. And I get extremely anxious when I have to be around people… especially people I do not know. And since my brain does not work properly, do I really know anyone???

Living in Neutral

I live in a neutral world. My environment is almost entirely neutral. Without interaction, I have no measure in reality. There is no validation, or critical-help. There is just neutral.

Things I perceive as neutral, are a potential threat. Starting with no particular feeling one way or the other, the thought of doing anything is met as a potential threat. Things could get worse. I could fail. And I am my only judge, so I perceive the danger of failing to be greater than the potential reward. Sometimes it fades away, and I can do things again. Sometimes I can never get past the potential for failure – which is a threat.

Quite the conundrum.

Gradually, anything I might want to do will fade away. My brain will gradually cut all ties… another project unfinished. And hobby left sitting. And just one more book left unwritten. It does not really matter. A thousand years from now, very few people alive will be able to name anyone from our era. So what does it matter?

I get along fine.

The only thing that changes, is the date.

Brain Overload…

The last couple of days has been trying. Tuesday I had a “mental evaluation” appointment in the morning that did not end well. I had a bit of a public melt-down in the lobby… standing there, shaking, and crying, trying to talk to an administrator (or whomever she was)… I could not control myself, and I finally had to leave. I do not actually know how the “evaluation” ended. Officially anyway.

I then had to run an errand taking me to Salem, and then, thru back-roads home, because northbound I-5 was backed up 5 miles! Things did not go much better the rest of the day… oh yes… and there was an election. I crashed out completely in the late afternoon.

Yesterday I was stunned… I felt blank. My brain seemed to be moving very slowly. I got up about 1am upon learning the results of the election. Even though I saw him as the nominee, and possible winner over a year ago, preparing myself for this result was still not enough.

Today… I don’t know.

I am slowly reaching out again. My meds were cut in half back in April, and not restored until September. I am feel much better now. The psychologist Tuesday asked me how many anxiety attacks I have… I said, “So far this hour? 5.” Three or four per hour is about average… and that’s with all my meds. The session went sideways when she also suggested she might recommend reducing my meds unless… Well… let’s just say an out-of-left-field demand that really has nothing to do with my mental issues.

So again, I am going to have to talk with my regular Dr. and make sure he ignores that part of my “evaluation”. We can’t go thru the reduced meds again. It makes both our lives much worse.

I no longer have any confidence in doctors. They always put policy, and their own needs ahead of the patient. At least that has been my experience when it comes to mental health issues.

Socializing is almost impossible. My brain does not interpret people’s emotions properly. I can not recognize things as “neutral”. Even an “ok” will be interpreted as a potential threat, trigger a fight-or-flight response, and send my anxiety shooting up. That’s when I make mistakes. Whereas, my reaction may be appropriate if someone really was threatening me, it’s not so good if they meant nothing at all.

Unfortunately, “no response” does the same thing. When people don’t respond, my brain goes thru the same process. My mind runs thru all sorts of threatening scenarios. You would not believe some for the thots I have. But I can not control them, because I have to respond to the threat… right?

Then I end up alone again. I have been doing it most of my life… with absolutely no way I could ever recognize what was actually happening. Even today, I only learn of my mistakes when Lori explains them to me. Even then… I accept what she is saying even though it does not seem true. I know I would still react the same way under the same circumstances. I would still make the same mistakes.

And I will always make the same mistakes… so everyone is better off with me hiding here in my office.

Thanksgiving Message

In early April, 1945, all my dad and other US troops had was chicken soup with very few noodles, in tin cups. But they helped these survivors of Ohrdruf, and Buchenwald drink as much as they could. These dying human beings said “Thank you” in English. Some had learned to say it just for this moment… almost all would be dead in hours… and they were Thankful! Think about that this Thanksgiving Day.

The Last Priddy

I am the last person in my branch of the family.

Whether I die last, or my sibling, our family ends. Yes… I feel horrible about that. But there is nothing I can do to change it. I am a proud, direct descendant of a yeoman on the HMS Victory at Trafalgar. If you study English history, you know about Pride’s Purge. Yup… I am a direct descendant of him. The Prides, and the Priddys merged long ago. I even have the official Pride shaving mug.

And, I am a Macdonald. Look it up.

Mt grandfather fought for the US (he was an English citizen) in World War 1. My father, in World War 2.

My father was at Ohrdruf on April 7, 1945, and Buchenwald a few days later, to help with humanitarian needs.

I heard many stories from WW2… some were not so pleasant.

OMG…I just remembered something my father told me… giving soup to prisoners who had no chance of living, and they would say “Thank you” in English, and smile.  Mere skeleton and skin, and they were thankful.  I was 10 when I first heard the whole story.

and it is making me cry now…

My Interests, and Hobbies

My Hobbies:

I have been interested in photography since I was a child. I don’t get around to printing much though.

As long as I can remember, I have loved building models… and just about anything. I even have a jeweler’s rotary tool for slow cutting plastic without melting it. And I make parts from scratch.

I have a metal lathe and mill, and table saw, and all. I like to design and make things. I can do very complex designs completely in my head. I can calculate any dimension in a moment… when I need it.

Shakespeare, and other Live theater. That’s why I can still go to Ashland. I have seen a theater half full of high school students watching Midsummer Night’s Dream… totally enthralled, and laughing hysterically. We heard kids say they never knew Shakespeare was like that.

Formula 1 racing. World championship auto racing– NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon says he is not serious enough about racing to ever race F-1. He has driven an F-1 car.

Recently I have been enjoying updating my 1994 Honda del Sol. I have changed all the front lights, and installed a new, more efficient air-intake. Soon there will be a new 4-2-1 exhaust manifold. I want the car to stop wasting energy on pulling in air, and pushing it out. (I do know you can’t “pull” air, but it’s easier to say than to get into a pressure-differential discussion). The new carpeting is great too!

Writing is probably the most important. It is my best way of expressing my visions… whether it’s journaling, or fiction. I have started writing a book called “Elnor”. But I stall out way too often. It is a very complex story… creating a new society that functions differently than ours in many ways.

And recently I have taken up shooting – Air-rifle shooting at 10m – like in the Olympics. I had to give up archery long ago because my left shoulder could not hold up a bow. My Walther puts the weight down on my shoulder instead in it being pushed in. If that makes sense.

My Interests:

My mother taught me to be interested in all things… and I pretty much am.

Oh yes… and cats.

AND once a common nickname for detective was “gum-shoe”.

I Guess that was Wrong

I guess I should not have said that… I am told it will make things worse.

I seem pretty good at finding what makes things worse, but no-one seems to know what I should say. I makes me feel there is nothing I can say. That I have to get used to this life. I should be used to it by now… you’d think.

What should I do? I have problems recognizing threats. My brain interprets anything neutral – like no response at all – as a potential threat. When I don’t hear back, or the response is neutral – like “OK” – my brain signals to prepare for “fight-or-flight”. I feel this horrible fear something is wrong. Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me? I can’t identify what it is, so fear takes over. sometimes I strike out at things… sometimes I vanish into the woodwork. Think Facebook.

All those reactions make things worse. But I can not see it happening. Lori will point it out after, and I can see her point. But I still feel the same… I would still react the same way. It is not possible for me to see it happening. Later I can always see I have made things worse, but I do not understand why. It’s not easy realizing my own emotions are wrong.

People’s reactions don’t make any sense to me. I do not understand what is happening… fight or flight.

That has always lead me to end up alone. Lori can do only so much. I can’t only talk to one person – but I have not had a conversation with anyone in years. Not more than talking to a store clerk, or the UPS person.

Give me credit for trying. I keep trying. Nothing is easy. I have to recover many times each day… depression and/or anxiety can take over my brain at any time. Dozens of times a day, I have to stop myself, and calm down. I say “It’s okay”… “Calm down”… “Keep going”… and other words of self-encouragement, to myself. It either works, or I crash out.

Mini-crashes are bad… But I do try again… and again. Why? What did Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?

PS Thanks for the nice comments N.

I hate my Life

I don’t understand why people don’t like me.  L*** is my only friend…

I try so hard to figure it out… every day I go over and over it.  I cry about it.

Every day…

I think about the friends I had back in the 1970’s with longing.  They are all long gone from my life.

Every day…

I try to figure out where to look… where to turn for some kind of companionship.  Where do people find friends?  I have no idea.  I thot I had friends when I was teaching, but when I left, I never heard from a single one of them.  Not one email… nothing. 

I wasted 15 years of my life in Seaside, OR.  I came out of it worse than when I started.  Teaching was the worst experience of my life.  I wish I had never left Seattle.

Every day…

I realize it is no use trying.  So I cry.  It’s all I can do.

I don’t know what is wrong with me… though I am sure plenty of people would like to tell me.

I can’t have friends.  Lori knows this.  All I can do is sit here alone, pretending there is some value to the things I try to do.  But accomplishment has no meaning, and nothing really matter anymore.

Every day…

It grinds me down… I don’t eat… I go to bed early and try to sleep till the next day… when I get to do it all again.  It never changes.  Each day I wait for dark so I can go to bed.  the earlier the better.

 Only my cats are my friends.  They like me… they like being around me.  They are all I have.

My opinions used to matter…  people listened, and talked to me.  I ruined all that.  I do not understand how, but I have always ended up alone.  I will die alone, and accomplish nothing.  And I will not be missed.

 So I WILL go softly into night… in my own Hell.

Note: you can all write to L*** now about this.  She at least matters.

 

i just want to die peacefully

I have stopped taking me meds.  I am worse than I was 10 years ago when all this blew up.  The last 3 years I have been in a steady decline.

I used to write Blogs and journals.

Thousands of pages of my journals have been given to others… not one single response, or question.  When I ask, the reader says there was “nothing new”.  No questions, no comments.

People read my Blogs… there have been some comments.  But no-one… NO-ONE has EVER tried to talk with me about what I wrote.  Not my wife,… not anyone.  It is always left to ferment in my mind.

Why bother writing?

This was my last hope of reaching out. My last hope for finding someone who actually care enough to talk with me about all this… these years of Blogs.

No one cares.

Being a Second Class Person

Because I am “crazy”, people can justify filtering, or ignoring things I say.  People can apply their own double standards because things I say can’t be trusted – my emotions are all over the place, so my logic can be discounted.  This especially happens if my emotions runnith-over, because we all know “crazy” people can’t be logical or talk right.

In all fairness, I do sometimes mess up how I am trying to say something… usually by leaving of the first part of my thought.  But that is followed by comments of my not making “any” sense, and increasing the amount of what I say that can be ignored.  No explanation can rehabilitate my thought, because why?  Cuz I am Crazy.  Move on.

Just the other evening, Lori contended a double standard was appropriate.  She did not have to follow the same rules of logic I did… because I am “crazy”.  She can ignore things I say, OR reinterpret them as she sees fit.  All this because I am “crazy”.

People don’t answer pleas for help… how could they?  I am “crazy” so there is clearly nothing they can do to help.  Walk away.

When people THINK there is nothing they can do, they walk away.  They never find out what they could have done… how they could have made a positive difference.  But that’s ok…  I am “crazy”.

I have a recorded IQ of over 150… I’m no genius, but I am smart.  People who know me have told me I am smart. Yet… when I act the least bit “crazy”, or even some way they think might be a little bit “crazy”, they can dismiss, ignore, or rewrite any of it.  Ignore me.

I’m not sure they realize what they are doing… they may think “Poor Neil…” or one thing I have read written about me more than once, “That’s just Neil.”  Meaning `just ignore it’.  Just ignore Neil.  He will go away… he always does.  Then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.  It’s not really any else’s problem anyway.

How easily all this could have been avoided… 40 years ago.