An Open Window…

I am trying to give people a chance to hear from the other side of the Mental Health issues we face. These Blogs may come back to haunt me. I make bad decisions, and people may respond in ways that make me think they are angry at me.

My response: Get in line.

I am used to people being mad at me. Even when they are not. My brain goes into protective mode and it assumes anyone with cause, is mad at me. Unless I have direct knowledge, they are not. There is almost a constant fear in my brain of people being mad at me. If I cannot know better… my brain assumes they are mad.

That is what my brain does. And NO amount of knowing that, will ever be able to stop my brain from going there.

If you fall into a pool of water, your brain will respond in a certain way to save you. It would take a lot a practice to learn exactly how to react in the best possible way… that protects you the most quickly. But it would take practice. You would need help…

Here is the catch… there is no way for the mentally ill to practice unless there is someone to practice with. We need help. We need someone to unlock the doors to the pool.

I don’t have the keys.

The Eclipse

My plans did not work out… but I was able to enjoy the eclipse anyway. We live in the line of totality. I was in my office, watching my weather station data, and looking out the window. I watched it get dark, and the kids outside watching it happen. It was fun enough for me.

I had a bad weekend. I was not up to even going outside with the glasses I had purchased. I did not care enough to walk outside.

Welcome to my life.

Depression

I am amazed at how people do not understand Depression. Lori gets mad at me if my depression interferes with plans. After 25 years, she still gets mad when my depression hurts our plans. It is pervasive, and constantly damaging to our relationship. But it is what it is.

When I am depressed, I am totally on my own. No-one does anything to make it easier.

If Lori does not understand why I am depressed, then I can just disappear into my office. I can tell when Lori is mad at some bad behavior of mine. I can even hear the greater impact of her feet on the floor… stairs in particular. I understand why she is angry. She is a normal human being. But she does not understand how I react, let alone why I react in strange ways. So she gets angry at me. almost every time.

I have learned to deal with things on my own. Depression lasts a lot longer, and takes more of a toll, but I can get thru it on my own. I have for 55 years… since my first memorable panic attack.

Mentally ill people spend a lot of time and energy trying to adjust to the behaviors of even our closest friends. I do not understand you every bit as much as you do not understand me… stop getting angry. I have tried anger, and it does not help. Try to image a different reality. Give us a break.

It has always been my experience, that when I, and other mentally ill people, need help the most, is exactly when people pull away the most…

I Guess I Was Wrong

The lack of response indicates I was wrong about all this. Maybe I am asking too much. I can’t stop the way my brain works. It is all my fault as always.

Everyone is mad at me… at least I think so. There is no-one who actually tells me anything. It is very hard to know what is right, when no-one will talk to me. It leaves me groping in the dark. Making mistakes, and making things worse. Alone.

All my life, my detractors have been right. It’s just me.

Is It Abuse?

Is it abuse if my wife uses a known mental illness weakness of mine as a way to make a point, and/or punish me?

The issue is the anxiety I get from not know what is going on, when it directly affects me. I can overload and crash from it easily.

My wife does not like having to keep me informed of her plans. Including, not going to be home for a week. So she withholds informing from me.

Here is current the issue: I have been writing a book for about a year. I have struggled a lot with it. One problem I have consistently have mentioned is that I don’t have someone to read it – Lori knows me too well. Lori is away this weekend with her friends at a resort. I had mentioned that I might print a part of my book for all of them to read. I chickened out.

But… early the first of their 3 days, I emailed her a copy. Almost 24 hours later, even though we had exchanged email on other subjects, she never mentioned my book.

I think that is the kind of thing most people would respond to. You know… an email about getting it? Especially one that gives irrevocable permission for her to share with those friends? Wouldn’t most people say something??

She does not tell me – I think – to prove she shouldn’t have to, and to punish me. I think she is using a known mental illness issue I have, to punish me. What is that called again?

NOTE:  When I told Lori it was upsetting she had not emailed, she literally said… “I thought we were past that.”  She thinks I should just change, if I see the problem in hindsight.  It is a common issue.  Did I mention she has a Master’s in Experimental Phycology?

Every Day is Picket’s Charge

There is a wonderful point in an Al Stewart song (Three Mules), where he refers to Picket’s Charge. It is in the context of being in a position where it is impossible to not go forward… even if it means disaster.

The Charge of the Light Brigade is another example. People in a no-win situation, who end up doing what they “need” to do… even knowing it leads to disaster.

Eat Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow we die.

Every day is Picket’s Charge in my life. Or at least it has that potential. When your brain does not work quite the same way, you find yourself having to go into situations you know will lead to a draining experience, that will leave you incapable of doing anything for days.

Every day carries the potential of devastating loss… Each new day brings the chance of complete collapse… because I have no way of knowing how my brain affects my perceptions. I can not tell where I might be right, or where I might be wrong. There is no way I can trust my own judgement.

So every human interaction I have, carries the very real possibility of emotional disaster. Perhaps a complete collapse. I can never know.

Every day, I know that. With every decision. The effort is often overwhelming, and it goes nowhere. I give up more easily. But my fear is nevertheless real as well. My brain can crash… there are real consequences.

Every day is Picket’s Charge… or could be.

“The Aviator”

The Aviator is a movie I go to when I am feeling down. I understand Howard Hughes in this movie. What he does, makes sense… though not what I would have done. But the movie makes me feel better.

The scenes of him testifying before Congress are great. No matter how far he fell down, he was able to pull it all together to testify before Congress… and take down a Senator. We all know how that feels… putting it all together to step up for important occasions. We have all done that… we do it almost every day! Every day we step up to be what we are expected to be. Howard Hughes was much worse off than myself, but I see, and understand the spectrum.

I stood up for many years… I did pretty well, I think. But as life goes on, it gets less and less important to care about trying. I do not think my life would have been worse if I had just given up 40 years ago, and followed the easy path. It very certainly would have been easier. Right now, that means it would still be easier for me to deal with people. Or not.

Did I waste my energies? Or would I be in the same mental place, even if I had taken an easier path? I can not know. I can never know… All I can know is where I want to be.

Give me the money, and I would disappear into a world where I can be invisible. I want to go away, and not have to expend so much of my life, just trying to get along. The outside world takes away most of my energies… it leaves me flat… it takes too much out of my life.

I have LMCS… and there are few treatments… Lack of Mountain Cabin Disorder. I have no Fortress of Solitude… no place that is only me… where I do not have to try to fit into anything. I am so tired. Even now, the world is always far too demanding. I worked so hard to fit in, and I do not see a pay-off. I am now ready to give it up with the outside world.

What I need is a world where I do not have to expend energies on fitting in… Not going to happen. I will be eligible for SS soon… and I think I should just go off into my own place. I could live on that, with my pension. It’s not like I am going to be traveling around much!

Of course… this is all pie in the sky stuff… I sit here in my office for the next 20 years.

I am good at envisioning futures, that can never happen.

Who to have as Friends?

I have found it very difficult to have normal conversations with people, without have to spend most of my time either… trying to figure out what people think I mean, or trying to explain what I mean.

I have found it easier to communicate about everyday things, with people like me… so I don’t have to explain each point along the way. Just let me say what happened without having to explain everything. It gets so tiring to have to worry about how someone will interpret what I say. People like me, don’t need the explaining part.

I want it to be “normal” for me.

Do you realize how rare that is for us?

The Ghost in the Room

There is a ghost in the room… wherever I go. It is me. The ghost of who I was… of who I was on the inside, haunts me every day. I died decades ago. I disappeared under a cloud of misunderstanding, and mistrust.

When I talk with anyone, my ghost is in the room. Do I listen to my “reality” voice, or my ghost?

People don’t even know who I am. People I worked with for 15 years know virtually nothing about me. Or I should say… about my ghost. People are afraid of ghosts. They are afraid of me. I am two people. Or was… the real me is now limited to this office, and my writings. They prefer the public me. Even with its faults.

But the ghost haunts me… I can not be the public-me so much anymore. The energy to do that has long since faded. And when I have to be the public-me, the ghost pulls at my mind…

There is a ghost with me always.

Fearing the Fear of Fear…

Most of my decisions are greatly influenced by fear. The fear of potential bad outcomes. Which choice had the least fearful path. But my brain does not trust my judgement. So I like to be able to see what someone else thinks. That is where I have problems. Who would that be?

Obviously, it can only be Lori.

I throw out plans that I can not support externally… to someone else I trust who thinks I can do it. Left to myself, plans fade away quickly succumbing to fears of failure. Usually it means not being able to run an errand. Sometimes it is much bigger. I can not commit to anything down the road. Who knows where my brain will be in four months? And I can’t have four months of worrying about it every day. So… no plans for nice trips.

Fear.

Why start something I will not finish? I never finish anything. But I keep trying… as much as I can. Trying smaller things, that don’t matter so there is less to lose. Chores… but nothing else really matters. I have to make things not matter. I have to believe all these things don’t matter.

“It doesn’t matter.” Are words I speak far too often. Fear makes us stop caring. We have to stop caring before we get swept under all the failures.

Some things haunt us… things we are drawn to do, but can not. We might spend hours thinking about it, without ever being able to accomplish anything.

But… I keep trying. J

I Have SiBS

Star is Born Syndrome.
And how to get out of it.

I used to be a teacher.  I was liked, and even admired, by students and faculty.  I was trusted, and influential.  I had built my own home to my needs, and was well known in the community… having gone to city council meetings.  I had friends, and family.  I had been president of the teacher’s union.  All of that and more.

Now I live in virtual isolation… dependent on my loving, successful, liked, and admired wife, financially and otherwise.  No friends or family.  No one knows what my opinions are, and no-one cares.  People don’t trust me.

This was a thot I just wrote down this morning. My “Run Away” approach to life has not worked out as well as I had planned. The last several months I have been trying to build a foundation for getting out to have lunch with a friend… or such. Over the years, I made a lot of different attempt to meet, and develop friends. It never worked out.

Now… I am not sure which way to go. I no longer have confidence in my understanding of what others want, or how they think, or feel. I am flying blind.

My foundation is my confidence in my ability to disappear. I would like it to be confidence in my ability to keep trying, and take more chances. I should be able to do that. That word “should” again.

My meds are stable, and very consistent… even if one requires going out. I know what happens without them. Was that 2 years ago?? It was not good.

There is not going to be a better time to start. I will be writing about how this is going.