I Know I Over-react… But Doesn’t that Mean I Am Reacting in the Right Direction?

I have emotional issues – everyone can see that.  Sometimes I over-react to things, and people run away.  But I think my reactions are at least going in the correct direction – I am reacting correctly at least initially.  Then I go too far…

I understand that people are taken-aback by it.  But I never hear from them.  Oh there are occasionally people who try to help.  But the people I thought I could rely on most, are nowhere to be seen.  And so I withdraw farther into my own world.  It is a nice world… it could rain more though.

Maybe people think these are issues best dealt with within the family.  For me, that means between me and Lori – there is no other family.  Or maybe I should talk with my closest friends – those were the people on Facebook.  So I am left with writing about things here, in my journals, and talking with my cats (not great conversationalists).

The process is very familiar to me.  It has been a central story in my life.  I reach out, and others pull back.  Lori gets more responses to my over-reacting than I do.  But it seems to me clear that I am the one most in need.  It is a dynamic that sucks the energy and hope out of me.  I have to deal by myself.

The first step for me is always to pull back, and go farther into hiding.  If they do not need me, I can not let myself need them.  It is not as easy as it sounds, so I am not sure how others do it!  Maybe they just click their friend-counter down one notch, and move on.

Now… that is a bit harsh.  I am not giving them a break.  Clearly other things are affecting them in their choices.  I just do not know what those things are.  I am left to my imagination as to what is really happening, and why.

Whatever is happening, it is centered on me.  It is my fault… and my responsibility.  So I will go on, and reach out where I can.

Wanting to Go Out

Sure!  There are times I want to go out, and can’t.  It hurts, and sometimes I crash out as a result.  But even that can get better.

I plan my trips carefully – I am sure my readers understand that.  I try to only go out once a week, and I try to go to some fun place if I have to go somewhere not-so-fun.  But even that is not enough sometimes.  And then I feel like I have failed.

Many of you know how it feels to not be able to go out at the last minute.  It feels like such a huge personal failure.  But think of this – if your leg was in a cast up to your hip, you would not be so hard on yourself for not going.  You have a cast on your brain!  Smile

OK… that is not really a very good analogy… but it is true. 

We are only just beginning to develop an understanding of how the brain works.  It is the most complex machine on Earth.  So give yourself a break.  If others can not, or will not see how you suffer, then their evaluation of the situation is faulty – to say the least.  You know, and that is what matters.

I do not know who the “you” is that I am writing about… but you do.

When I fail to go out, it does not bother me as much as it used to.  The people whose judgment I was so keen to accept, are not here anymore.  They have all faded away.  Now there are very few left… but they are the ones who matter.  They are the ones who try to understand.  And when they can’t, they still make allowances.

Listen to those friends.

And listen to your own mind, and heart.  It is your life to enjoy, or not.  And you can make it what you need it to be.

Now… I am saying all this to myself as much as to anyone who reads this.  These are things I have to remind myself of every day.  Above are just some of the things I have to remind myself of every day.  It’s like a ritual – I have plenty of those too, but that is for a different Blog.  My life is mine to live… people who don’t get it, or won;y try, are not my problem.

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

insert cleaver title here

I think differently… at least in some ways.

I do not understand the way people react.  And I think it is beyond doubt that others do not understand how I react.  It’s a given.

The best times for me, are when I am alone at home with Lori.  I need to not be on Social Media, or in contact with anyone.  It is no-one’s fault but my own… but I need a level of contact and trust that most people can not give.  It’s okay.  I get it.

Right now I am struggling with changes I have imposed on my life – I am making an increased effort to keep to myself.  I have hobbies, and reading, and writing to do.  I am reading a couple of books a week, plus some serials.  I am am trying to start writing again.  I have neglected my Blogs, and my journal.

I was so used to having Facebook on almost all day… I keep thinking of things to post.  But it was a false connection to the outside world.  I thought it was real.  Now I look around my office – this is real.  And this space is my life now.  Plus the rest of the house of course.

I have everything delivered – including food.  I do not have to go out very often.  And I only have to go out to places I know, and feel comfortable with.  The pieces are starting to fall together.

It will take a while to adjust, but I will.   Smile

Baby Steps…

I take one week at a time.  I have a routine for the week, and if things go well, I can get a lot down and have a lot less anxiety.  When things work, my life feel very nice!

It happens.

Most weeks I can hold my own… things are OK.  The problem is that right now, there are more weeks below average, than above average.  I am working to change that.  I am slowly improving my world.  What is one small thing I can do to make my space a little friendlier today?  I do not think about it every day… but many.

Today I am doing laundry, and mapping out the project of finishing the lighting in may Painting Room.  Small things… I will lay out a small project that will simplify the junk on my Hobby Bench  — that will clear some space I need to working.

Then I will try to finish up the hull of the HMS Elizabeth.  At least I want it to be ready for priming. 

That will be a lot to do for today.  A Chore… Planning and Prep… Hobbying.  That makes for a nice combination.  One good day at a time!

This runs into trouble if I start to get mentally overloaded… which is happening much more easily these days.  Even simple things send my mind into retreat.  Decisions elude me.  I hit walls at every turn.  So I am simplifying… everything!

Go Slow…

I Have Intellectual Conversations With My Cats…

Of course… they do not respond… or seem deep in thought… or close to a solution… they mostly have trouble keeping their eyes open.  But their company is every bit as much appreciated!  They add just as much to my life.

In my efforts to build up my life at home, I am pulling back some from social contact – I know… how could I pull back any more than I already have been?  Deleting Facebook is a first step.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and conversing with them.

This is mostly an internal thing… it is about what I am thinking about.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and how they will respond.   I can put some things out of my mind.  It’s a start.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I do not react to many things in a “normal” way.  Many would say I over-react.  I am not seeing it that way.  To me, my reactions are completely normal.  But then… I am crazy.

I am just normal enough to pass… most of the time.  I do not notice when I slip out of the normal range, and other people take notice.  They were not paying attention to the little weird things I do… they was “Oh that is just Neil”.  So they see me as being unpredictable.

I don’t feel unpredictable.  My actions seem completely normal, and predicable to me.  So I tend to be caught off-guard by people’s reactions.  Didn’t they see that coming??

When you perceive the world in a different way, it is very difficult to know what should be the correct response.  To me, it all fits together.

So when I do react in a crazy way, I am totally surprised by what people do – that was not predicable to me at all.  Then I get thrown completely off, and it can lead to even more unusual behavior on my part.  I am not sure if anyone really gets this.  They expect me to be crazy, but they do not see, or understand, the depth of it.

This has lead to more isolation.  People don’t know how to react to me, and I do not understand their lack of reaction.  I end up alone.  That is the nature of the things…

I can not change how I react because it seems totally normal to me.  How can I know to not do something, when it seems the most normal reaction to the situation?  It never occurs to me that I should do anything else.  And it is hard to learn from events when I feel like I have been wronged.

Improving My Life at Home – Goal 1

I need to learn how to enjoy myself at home.  I used to be able to do this much of the time.  Then I went back to college, got my teaching credentials, and spent 15 years teaching.  I retired 13 years ago, and am just beginning to get my old joys back.

Recently I bought myself a Kindle, and have got back into reading like I used to.  My dyslexia does not seem so bad reading from the lit screen.  I like it.  I may even write some reviews!

That is one small part of my current thinking.  There are things I would like to spend more time doing.  Most people would just say, “Then just do those things.”  I get it.  But it is not so easy when you have to fight anxiety, and avoid depression.  And I get so tired of fighting it all the time.  So I am learning new things to help create new patterns in my time.

I have set up my Tablet on my hobby bench, so I can watch stuff while I am working.  It helps break up anxiety into smaller bits.  There are things I can do.  I am trying to establish some long term (a few weeks), relatively predictable time so I can plan, and follow thru.

At the same time, there are things I can not control.  Most I think I can learn deal with.  But some are more fundamental living condition issues that hamper progress.  Such is life.

My Own Worst Enema? What?? OOoOOooohh…

I know I tend to make things harder for myself, and people tend to not know what to do.  Eventually, I feel so isolated that I reach out too publically. 

It’s like shooting myself in the foot… I’m not getting anywhere with this.

But it’s OK.  I have been here before, and I know the way out… at least I think I do.  And that feels like enough right now.

So I guess I will work out the details, and move on.  And I am by no means the only person that lives this way.  There are many who struggle to fit in because things don’t quite connect the same way.  Some are more obvious… some less so.  Some of us spend decades learning how to behave in order to pass.  It is not as fun as it sounds.

So I will find a way past my latest setbacks, use my new knowledge (see previous Blog), and move forward.

NOTE: there should be no more ads in this Blog.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today…

Yea… I don’t know either.

I have not been Blogging because I have got as far as I can.  I am at a point, where they next thing I need to do in my life, is beyond my reach at this point.  So I am waiting.

Things have been up and down – mostly down.  But at least I know where I am!  So that is better than a couple of months ago.

Also I have lost my last social contact – facebook.  So I no longer have a place to reach out… or look for help.

But most of my life has been like that.  All my fault… I know.

My Biggest Problem Right Now

I am totally inadequate. 

Lori does everything better than I do… she works harder, and gets more done that I can on my best days.  No matter how hard I try, I end up letting her down.  And it shows.  I can tell it bothers her.  I can tell it bothers everyone I interact with.

I cancel things I have planned because I can not trust myself to follow thru.  I am tired of feeling like a failure all the time.  This has been my life story – I have always been encouraged to feel like a failure.  Even though it is currently unintentional, it is very real.

It is relentless.

“Don’t Be Mad at Me”

That’s what Lori says… I was not mad, I was depressed.

But I am doing a lot better this morning than over the weekend.  I was trying to sleep all but about 7 hours the whole time, and did not eat.  Now I am starting to feel like I have a grip on my thoughts, and I am starting to see where to go.

Part of the problem I have been having since session last week, is that I was too focused on one outcome, and when things didn’t feel quite right, I did not know what to think.  I am not sure why it did not feel right.

Now I am thinking I am not ready to dive back into therapy.  I am not up to going thru all of that again – not after more than 8 years with the same therapist.  I need a more measured approach.  This is going to take some time to work into.

And I am alright with that!

So I am going to take this week to let things settle in my mind, and go back for a second session next week.  Then I can see how I am feeling about it all.

Slowly… take things slowly.  I am so tired of where I have been these last 6 months, that I was trying to rush myself too much.

Stick with me, and keep reading, because I will be making more progress.  Actually… I think I have made a lot of progress just by going to a new psychologist!  That is what I need to focus on.  Good things are happening.

New Efforts, in New Directions

I am struggling to decide what to do now…

I am not sure I feel comfortable with the new psychologist I saw.  I seemed wrong.  Though that could be normal.

Should I try seeing someone else?  Or would more choices just make things harder?  Things just do not feel right.

The last few days I have gradually fallen into depression trying to think about all this – or is it not trying to think about it all?  Whatever it is, it is clear I have a great internal conflict going on in my mind.  I get many glimpses of this conflict, and am slowly putting together some kind of thought… about it all.  Maybe.

That is about as much I can cobble together at this point.

I was only able to be up about 5 hours yesterday.  And it is already noon now – I have only been up a little while.  my mind shuts down, and I can not think about anything.  Some of you know that feeling all too well.

Little pieces of thought creep in, and eventually it makes for something… and sometimes it even helps me figure out something.  Usually I just try to go back to sleep.  It is a slow process, and I am not sure if it is actually getting anywhere, or if I am reaching for straws!

Maybe my brain is just trying to make itself feel better, and ignore the truth.  There could be a whole world lying in front of me, and I am unable to see it.  That seems to be the case… but I can not know.

So I keep going.  I do what I have to to keep going.

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

That’s where I am now.  I think I was expecting to feel more sure about things after going to session.  And I thought that when the session went well, I would know what to do next.  I do not.  I am even more confused.

So I am at a point where I have to just let things settle in my brain.  The the storm will subside.

But for now, there is a constant flurry of inter-related thoughts that never stick in my mind long enough to view, let alone resolve.  All I can do is let it pass, and try to calm myself.

It will work out.  And I have every reason to believe I am going in the right direction – I just wish to were easier.  I am slipping in and out of depression almost constantly – that makes it hard to do much of anything.  There are moments when I can think clearly, and periods when I can not.

I keep trying to think of things that might help me get thru this more quickly.  Nope… I am not seeing it.  I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

Once things settle down in my mind, it will all start to crystalize in front of me.  I will see which way to go – though I am pretty sure I know what that will be.

For now… I will get thru the depression as it comes.