That One Big Decision that Changes Our Lives…

I was a machinist… and I hated it.  But it was not the job I hated.  There was no real intellectual stimulation – it was not difficult enough.  I got to a point where I needed to make a decision.  And one of those, would lead to another such decision…

I had to decide if I wanted to go to a technical school, and get thru a program.  I would have done very well.  And I have always liked working on things.  I think I could have got into design.  And it would have paid pretty well too.

Or I could finish my Math degree, and get a teaching certificate… It would cost a lot more to get thru, and take longer.  The other big thing was that I would make a lot less money.  And I always felt it important to have my space be right for me.  So teaching it was.

First I had to get thru my Degree program.  I finished very well, and enjoyed finally getting my Math degree.  It became known to me that several big companies were offering nice contracts to Math students.  This was my second big decision.

But I had always liked the idea of teaching.  I thought I would be good at it.  And I think I was.  My father said we all have a duty to give back.  Though he did not like to define “give back”.  I wanted to teach.

It was the greatest experience in my life.  I have many fabulous memories… they will last me my entire life. Smile

I think I made the right choices.

So… How Am I Really Doing?

I put on a good show… even in therapy.  I am always in a “better” mood when I talk, or share about myself.  Yup… When I am feeling worse – more normal – I do not communicate much at all.  I learned a long time ago that people do not want to see the truth if they think there is nothing they can do.

So this is Me Lite. 

I make plans as if I am actually going to follow thru.  Every evening I think about what I could do tomorrow.  It almost never happens.  I can not go places, or accomplish things at home.  Everyday I struggle to get up, and get going.  I probably would not if it weren’t for the kitties – they need feeding, and one needs meds.

It is all I can do to get thru most days.  Anxiety and depression take a constant toll.

But it’s not like I have a lot of options.  There is more I need to do – it just takes more planning and energy than I have.  I want to be able to relax more, but having actual fun seems out of reach.  It does not happen very often.  Most days I just get thru…

Maybe I am better, but I am not seeing it.

For Lack of a Nail…

There is so little joy in this life.  There is the struggle over whether it is even worth the effort.  I have lived my whole life looking forward to the day when things would finally start to be easier… and more fun.  It is always just out of reach.

One day, I will either make it, or finally come to realize there is no hope.  Someday, the effort will exceed the potential reward.  It already feels that way some of the time.

Life becomes hopeless. 

But I keep moving “forward”.  I keep trying.  I know going forward is my only hope.  So I can push thru the days, and seek out the little joys I find.  Look around – there are good things in every moment.  Find them.

I have my kitties… and my hobbies… and the weekends.  There is a constant flow of good things it see, and feel. The “nail” is everywhere, if I look for it.  And that is where I can start to build.  The dark days pass, and there is always light.

Never give up for lack of a nail.

Newport, Oregon…

This is the bed in the Jules Verne Room at the Silvia Beach Hotel.…

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This is one of the rooms I like to stay in when I go to Newport.  This is my place to escape from reality – literally as well as figuratively.  There is a large squid tentacle coming out of one wall though…

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

There is no TGIF

I have struggled thru my life on my own.  Every day is the same – take care of the house, the cats, the bills, and maybe myself.  There are not any days off.  Even on the weekends, the expectation is that I will work on the same things.  There is no break in it.

I can’t even go out my front door without planning, and dealing with anxiety.  My every move to governed by errors in my brain chemistry.  And I have been learning about dealing with it.  It takes constant effort.  I have to fight back the anxiety… and constantly remind myself to avoid depression – if I can.  I have got better at it.

The day to day things… the mundane… the normal parts of life, become nightmares sometimes.  It is all I can do to make it thru the day.  And often I do not.  Several times a week I can not fight it anymore, and have to go to bed and hide my mind.

That makes it difficult to keep going the same way on the weekends as well.  There is never a break – except now I can get away, and go to Newport.  Once a month or so, I get a couple of days to recover.  It is very welcome, though not enough.

I know people have struggles at work… in school… and with other aspects of their lives.  And everyone needs a break.  My struggles are always around me.  I do not get to go home from work for the night, or the weekend.  I do not get to finish my homework, and rest.  There are no final exams.  There is never any true rest… there is only better control.

Some of you will understand.  We live every moment within our nightmare.  It is all around us.  We take it with us.  There is no TGIF.

Depression… It Never Quite Goes Away

This week has tested my limits – and the limits are still there.  Depression is always lurking around the edges of my life.  Some weeks make it almost inevitable.  This was one of them.

Monday and Tuesday were horrible difficult.  And issues all week never gave me a break.  I was alone to deal… or at least to try.  And this week it got to be way too much.  But I still had to go on.  Even this morning, I had to get up and do what I do every morning.  There are things to take care of.

Once I am done, I will go back to bed, and hope the world will go away.  Nice.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

The Horror that is Dinner…

Sometimes I plan a nice dinner for myself.  And sometimes I actually make that dinner.  But usually, by the time evening rolls around, I am too tired – mentally tired.  Then I either don’t eat anything, or I eat whatever I can heat up.  This happened most days.

It is part of my life.  It is just something I have to live with.

Wednesday evening I was going to make a nice salmon dinner… with pot-stickers, and veggies.  It was going to be very good.  I had left-overs.  The night before, I did the same thing.  I miss out on a lot of nice dinners – I am a good cook.

How many of you know this feeling?

Sometimes by the end of the day, I am too worn out to read… or even watch TV.  I always look back on the day, and realize what I could have done.  There are so many missed opportunities.  That is the saddest part – my entire life amounts to a series of missed opportunities.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.

And the Meds Keep Coming…

I saw my psychiatrist Monday– she just takes care of my meds.  I have to go every now and then to update my prescriptions.  Right now I feel like they are about right.  I still have too much anxiety at times… but I can usually handle it.

My “anti”-depression meds are still working pretty well – I have a couple of depressive episodes every week, but they usually last less than a day.  Before this, they last days, or even weeks.  So I am back to mostly having to manage anxiety.  And I have go much better at that.

There were other issues to cover.  I will be talking with her about finding a new psychologist in April… so that will help.  She likes my plan of trying to stabilize my home life for a while – as long as there is progress.  So that helps too.

There were other places to go, and things to deal with Monday.  Then yesterday I had someone in the house to install some “things”.  So I have been pretty well drained.  But today I can try to relax, and get my thoughts together again.

When trying to manage anxiety, the question always arises – “why bother?”  I can hide from most causes of anxiety.  I can shut myself away, and usually feel better.  And it’s not like a have to put any effort into being around people… who would they be anyway?

See… too many thoughts for right now…