A Very Weak Week

The last few days have been very trying.  It sort of started when I missed the Super Bowl, and things went downhill from there.  Everything I try to do to meet people, or go out, or be in contact with people, has blown up in my face.  The only things I can do, are alone.

What I am seeing is more isolation ahead.  I can at least go to a nice secluded place to get away… but as far as people are concerned, my life has gone even farther from having any friends.  I just need to stay home.  No-one will ever be better off for knowing me.

I am working on getting my office all finished up – I have made very good progress.  I can be comfortable here, by myself.  I have my hobbies.  But at the same time, I know I will have to make this pretty much my entire world.  There is nothing else.

My mind has been degraded.  I simply do not care as much anymore.  There is not so much to care about.  And it is clear, I can not think the way everyone else does.  I can not make a life with other people in it.  The only thing that works for me, is to be alone.

Just ask anyone… I am crazy.  I am weird, and unpredictable.  I am not a good friend.  I am best forgotten.

Three Blogs in one day?  I will try to slow down.  Smile

My Social Media Burp

After careful planning, I set up a new social media account.  I made sure it was all set private, and wrote I wanted to keep a low profile.  I said I would not post much on other people’s pages, but I was there. 

I invited 12 people to be friends.  And 10 had accepted before things went horribly wrong.  I deleted the account.  I am very sorry to those friends.  I hope they see this message.  It was not your fault.

My First Super Bowl Party!

Yesterday I had my first Super Bowl party ever!  I grew up in Seattle, and have always watched the Seahawks.  This whole season was great… leading up to the Super Bowl.

My first Super Bowl party… and I missed it.  I was unable to attend.  I tried to sleep thru the whole thing.  I was crashed out.  Nice.

I Am a Very Weak Person

I always have been.  There have always been people who know better than I, and have more confidence than I, and who run over me without even noticing.  I have got much worse over the last few years.  This is what I was like before I was a teacher.

Teaching made me feel confident, and I was able to exert my desire, and influence more.  But since retiring, I have lost all that ground.  I have gradually become a doormat.  You don’t even have to try to run over me.  No matter how hard I try, or how long I prepare, I can not stand up.

It takes confidence to stand up for yourself… even on seemingly small things.  I back away at the first hint of failure.  Then I feel lightly around the edges for some sign of something to be self-confident about.  It usually works for a while.  But over a period of time, it wears me down, and I fold like a cheep suit.

This is ALL my fault.  There is no-one to blame but myself.  If I fall apart, it is up to me to figure out what to do – though usually I just give up.

Over time, it gets easier, and easier to give up.  And it gets easier and easier for others to give up on me.  I get is.  That is human nature.

So I retreat again… and farther.  And the next time it will be even harder for me.  I will fail even more spectacularly the next time.  Or I will finally learn to stop trying.  I gave up on making new friends… I gave out on being more social… what’s next?

There must be other things I can give up on.

I hear a very quiet… “I told you so!”    inL

Lori Loves Niki Lauda!

We watched “Rush” and “1” yesterday, and now Lori loves Niki Lauda!  “Rush” is the Ron Howard film about the struggle between Niki Lauda and James Hunt to win the 1976 Formula 1 World Championship.  “1” is a very good documentary about the development of Formula 1, and the shifting towards an emphasis on driver safety.

Lauda is featured in both films.  And the Austrian managed to Super-Impress Lori.  And “1” is more like a movie than a documentary most of the time.

I made the observation that the documentary shows some parallels to what is happening in the NFL today about safety.  The sport is changing to start putting more emphases on safety.

If you watch the films, watch Rush first… the documentary gives away the ending.

Woodburn, Oregon… My Home

This is a museum downtown on Front Street.

WDB-1209a-022

I really like living here.  We are quite close to Portland, and all sorts of great places to go.  As I try to go out more, I will be working to visit those places more often.  I am working on getting my Photography going again.  And that even interconnects with my other hobbies, as I will be going to the Evergreen Air Museum – where the Spruce Goose is.

To Finish First, You Must First Finish

I do not know who first said this.  I have heard it was Enzo Ferrari… but it does not sound like him to me.  He was like Lombardi – it’s all about the winning.

Whomever said it first, I have found it refers also to live.  You can not achieve your goals, unless you are willing to finish your life.  You can not decide how you have done ahead of time.  Wait and see how things go.

That does not mean people should try to finish their lives early.  Quite the opposite.  Live is a long haul issue.  We have to think about our lives as if they can go on forever.  Otherwise we will most certainly shorten our thinking, and shorten our lives. 

I think what it means is that we can never know how we have finished, until we have finished.  And in reality, that is the only thing that matters.  How are you going to feel about your life in those last moments?

Short of that… all our pronouncements, all our judgments, all our callings for a better society, all our opinions of others, mean nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing… can I make that point any clearer??  We are what we are, and our life is what we make of it.

All that matters is how, we are allowed to see ourselves.  I was careful about those words.  We need to be free to see ourselves as we really are – to see the hidden good.  There is humanity within us, and we must first treat ourselves with humanity.  Live for the goodness within you.

Stop telling people how they should feel.

Life’s Distractions Cause Internal Struggles

I am far too easily distracted.  I can not walk thru the house without having a dozen or more things grab at my attention.  And I have a difficult time ignoring them.

My brain is running at full speed most of the time.  Several things can raise my anxiety at the same time, and I struggle to keep my mind on track.  When I think about something that has to be done, I must create a plan.  When there are too many things at once, my mind overloads, and I have to fight to regain my previous thoughts.  It might take a few seconds, or hours.

I am much better in the morning.  But as the day goes on, I get tired.  It starts to wear on me.  By mid-afternoon, I usually can’t block out the noise so easily, and I start to feel low.  It happens almost everyday.  Sometimes I make it thru, and some times I do not.

My brain becomes so busy with too many thoughts, that all I can do is try to sooth the anxiety, and relax all my thinking.  So I do nothing.  I loose the ability to partition my mind, and concentrate on just one thing.

All the little distractions of the day add up… they slowing eat away my energies, and my confidence, until I am useless. 

Some days I get better again in the evening.  It becomes too late to do most things I have thought about, so the list hanging over me gets pared back.  And things can clear up in my mind.  But most days, I have to just cruse thru the evening, and wait to go to bed.

I can not control the flow of thoughts into my mind.

My Life’s Passion

As far back as I can remember, I have been Obsessed with efficiency.  Every movement is a test in efficiency.  How I do everything is carefully designed.  And there are so many outside intrusions – things I must think about.

This may be one of the reasons I like building scale models – there is an exactness to it that most hobbies do not have, (though some have more).  It is all about the detail.  It is impossible for me to do, or observe anything without thinking about how to make it better or more efficient.  Just ask Lori.

It is as fundamental a part of my life, as glass is to Dale Chihuly.  It is what my brain does best.  And it matters that it matter.

I design things in my mind… things I can make in my shop.  The design gets better and better – read that as fewer and simpler parts.  But I get to a Eureka point, where I know I am done.  Suddenly, I know the designing is the best I can make it… move on.  This is such a good feeling… it is like everything being perfect, all at once.

It can take a while to get there.  But the more freedom my mind feels, the more easily I reach that feeling.  It is a very good thing.

I am trying to change how I live, to make my life more conducive to that feeling.  Part of it is getting away from home, from time to time.  My hobbies are another big thing.  But whatever it is, getting to do those things, gives my mind the joy, and reassurance we all need.  Freedom of mind is very important.  It gives me Peace.

SOON:: Distractions of the Mind

Monday… Need I Say More?

Starting a new week is not so hard for me.  I am tired from stress, but I do feel as if the week carries a new alternative.  I could get off to a good start, and do more.

I have been working around the house more the last few months… trying to build more of a routine.  I think it has gone pretty well.  I have not made near as much progress on my own things – hobbies etc.  That does include a lot of projects for the house as well.  I have a wood and metal  shop in the garage… so I can make things.

I is difficult to get started.  I am still working on getting past that initial mountain of anxiety.  At the start of the day, it is hard to see the rewards… at least enough rewards to make it worth the effort.  Starting is my biggest struggle at times.  Like now.

Over the last couple of months, I have made some efforts to get out more… I have gone on a trip by myself!  My biggest disappointment has been attempts to go out for lunch… beer… or whatever with other people.

When I work on plans to get out more, things become very limited.  I can go shopping, and on photo trips.  But there is no-one to do other things with, so there are not a lot of choices.  I suppose it’s all for the best – I do better staying home.  So I am trying to think of more things I can do by myself.

This is all a matter of reorienting my life – at least parts of it.  Sometimes it seems too late for all that… we will see.

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.