Category Archives: Ways Out

Ways out of the pit.

Beginning Again…

Next week I will see a new psychologist… I am hoping this will work out, and I will be back in therapy.  Of course… I have a lot of anxiety about it, and it will get worse.  But this is a good chance at a new beginning.

I know it will just be the beginning of a long process – I have fallen back quite a way over the last few months.  But I have the tools and knowledge to make this work.  And I have the will to push myself when I need to.  There will be progress.

This is also the beginning of a most difficult time of year.  The Holliday’s are great, but they are also draining.

While we were in Ashland, I was around other people as much as what would normally be several months for me.  It ultimately did me in.  I missed the last 3 plays we were going to see.  But I held together enough to enjoy our time there, and had fun.  So it was a good start.

I am also trying to plan a single night trip somewhere close, just for myself.  Maybe a little get-away.  It will happen if it easily fits in, but this, I will not push so much on.  It’s a lark.

The key now it is do more, but not too much.  I am not sure I know where that line is, but I am sure I will find it!

Stick with me, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

That’s One Small Step For… Me

I have started looking for a new therapist.  My former psychologist has recommended a couple of people I am contacting today – LOTS of anxiety about this. 

But I think we can all agree, that I really need to get going again, and this is the way to go.

My last psychologist is no longer doing therapy.  I can understand that.  It must be very draining to conduct therapy.  I will be staying in touch though.

I do known she helped me put my life back together when I most needed it.  And she probably saved our marriage.  I remember the people who have helped me in my life.  This is a big one!

There will be more on this soon.

To Go Hermit, or Not to Go Hermit? That is the Question…

There is a horrible argument raging in my thoughts.  My mind is locked in a battle for which I have already determined the outcome.  At least the outcome I prefer.

The question:  Therapy, or giving up.

Therapy is simple… everyone understands what I mean.  Giving up?  It does not mean I would go anywhere, but I would give up on the outside world.  I do not know completely what this would mean… just that I would eliminate most of my more difficult problems.

Now… I am intellectually sure therapy is the right way to go.  It has helped a lot in the past.  But I have great fears this time.  There are things that could go very wrong even before I get started.  So it is an imposing obstacle.

The alternative would be to shut down… essentially.  I would pull myself back into my cave, and disappear.  I do not know how this would work.  Or if it would work.

In reality, the answer is pretty obvious – therapy.  There is no real argument.  But my mind will not stop thinking about it.  I have to figure out the details… all of the details.   Even if the do not matter.  I can not stop the process mid-run.  So my mind goes on… and on… and on…

There are some good distractions – like writing this.  But distractions take effort.  And I run out of energy as the day goes on.  It gets harder and harder to fight the battle.  Then I crash out, and go to bed.

But the argument goes on.

Start With a Good Foundation

The first thing I need to do, is build a foundation.  It is very difficult to reach out when I can barely make it thru the week.  So my current effort is to get my environment more restful, and to start to feel better about being here at home.  I need to be able to relax more.  I need to use my energies more effectively.

Going out of town was a strange way to start that, but it did help.  I came home from Newport with more optimism, and hope.  Now I am trying to put that optimism to work, to help me here… where I live.

The idea is that I am wasting too much energy dealing with things around here to have the energy to go out – even for therapy. 

My office is very nice, but remains unfinished.  It is very close, but figuring out these last details is very draining.  And my efforts seem to go for nothing.  It is getting better.  I have been able to make a couple of moves this week, that will help.  It is important for me to keep moving.

There are obstacles… but I have seen them all before, and I need to slip by them and get some small things done.  I can do that!  It takes a lot of effort, but I can do some of the simpler things, and start to decrease how much effort those things will take. 

Just today (Saturday) I got some good little things done to help out in my office.  So I have had a good day!  I have done more than I would have expected.  Nice… Smile

Success decreases resistance.

I have to be careful to plan things out (way too much), to try to avoid wasting effort.  But the foundation I need is within my grasp.  Once my comfort level is up, it will be easier to take more chances.  Then I can get back into therapy, and more progress will be forthcoming.

The Edge of Night

I am not talking about the old Soup Opera… but where I am.

The thing is that I am not sure if I am coming out of the darkness, or am just now entering it?  I am not sure I can tell the difference.  Is there a difference?

Things are going in the right direction – things are at least aimed in the right direction.  I have not actually moved much though.  I will.  But I am kind of in a holding pattern while I figure out the details.  This is not the fun part.

Here, I sit and try to get thru the day.  I fight to keep the anxiety down, and to keep from slipping into depression.  It takes way to much effort.  And interspersed within all this, I try to make sense of things happening around me.  I try to get a few little things done, and get a little closer to action.

I am not ready.

I am not sure I will ever be ready.  How much of a leap of faith can I handle?  And what will happen if it goes wrong?  There is no guarantee things will work out in my favor.  Not that I have much of a choice though…

My next step may get me back on the road to more inner stability and strength.  Or it may blast me out of the water completely.  And I would have to begin again.  I have no idea where I would turn.

So I am preparing myself for a crucial event… a potential turning point in my life.  One step that will change everything.  At least that is how it feels.

One step.

A Very Good Week… and a Trip!

Last week was a vacation week for Lori.  I decided to skip the Blogs, and just try to have a nice relaxing time.

It started out a bit shaky, and we ending up not going camping.  But we had a nice time at home, and on Friday went to our favorite place in Newport, Oregon for a couple of nights.  Those were my first nights away from home in 7 months!

We had a wonderful time!  Lot’s of great food at April’s – she is a genius in the kitchen!!  I even found a very nice sketch on multiple layers of glass.  Lori found 2 very nice little trunks for our dinning room too!

So I am starting out the week on an up note, and it feel very nice.

I have also developed a clearer plan for what I am going to do about my metal situation.  So all in all it was a great week!

I really needed a good week – we both did!  And there it was!!!

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

Dora was right.

I am still swimming.  To be honest, I feel absolutely horrible this morning.  But I know this will pass too.  If things fall into place the way I think they will (could?), I will be able to get better.

My psychologist said I had an “undying optimism”.  It is one of the things that has allowed me to get this far.  I still believe.

It is difficult, and some times I want to give up.  But I always pull back together, and keep moving forward.  It is a huge drain, but it has worked for a very long time.  And it continues to give me enough energy to be able to keep trying.

So… not to worry… I will keep going.  And maybe things will take a great turn for the better today!  Or tomorrow… but it will come.

It Was More Interesting When…

When I was in therapy, I generally had better things to write about here.  There were plans and ideas.  I had things to reflect on, and new thoughts to share.  There were many positive things in my Blogs, even when I was not feeling very positive.

Now I mostly write about the boring – the everyday stuff that fills the empty places in our lives.  It’s okay… but there is not as much to learn from it.

I need to get myself back on track towards something.  I need to be learning about life.  And I need to write about that part of my life.  Not so much this part.  I can do that!

There are a lot of things I need to get back to working on.  I am not sure of the complete list.  Though I suppose I have run thru a lot of it the last few months right here in these blogs.

I have started writing a Blog about things I am planning to make it easier to do more shopping.  I have been thinking about that a lot, and I am ready to try a couple of things.  I may even start tomorrow with one simple idea.

So tune in and see something a little more promising.

A Log From the Edge… and Beyond

I do not know what will happen in my brain.  I think I will get better, but this Blog could record my decent into madness… not likely though.  So… not to worry…

I have been sleeping too much.  The bedroom is a sort of sanctuary for me.  It is easier to relax and let the day fade away.  But it means I am not spending much time up, and active.  I do not have much energy for it.

There are many times during the day when it is all I can do to stay awake – I want to sleep.  Everything has been getting harder, so I have to push myself more, and that uses up energy.  And the days get shorter.

I have not finally decided what to do about therapy – except that I need it.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more meds too.  But I need to get my thoughts straightened out before we can be sure.  I only see her for meds, so I will need to find a new therapist… or try to go back to the old one.

Neither of those 2 thoughts hold much attraction. Contrary to what some people believe, my loss of my psychologist was mostly the result of a misunderstanding.  But it still hurt too much.  And maybe I should try someone else anyway.  But it is so hard to find the right person – especially now.  I know more about what works and doesn’t work for me, so I need the right person.

That search will create many new problems, and anxieties.  There will be plenty of opportunities for failure.  I may have to try more than one therapist.  I am not looking forward to that.

This is going to take months to work out, whatever I do.  The Fall is sort of set aside for it.  I can not really hope to do much else.

But I know I have to find a way to get going again, and start recovering my brain.  I can now also see that I will probably always need someone to help me sort thru things.  I think way too fast, and about too many things for my own good, and I need someone to slow me down, and keep me on track.

My friends will be there for me… though I am not good at asking for help.  Some things sound good, or fun, but just drain away too much energy.  So I pick the things I feel sure I can do, and work on them.  I am tired of letting people down, and cancelling at the last minute.  It is not fair to others.  So I tend to avoid plans with most anyone.

It does not help in the long run, but makes it easier to get thru the days.

A Return Forged in Need

I need to Blog.  It is how I communicate with the world.  I can not stop it now… when I need it more than ever.

You see… I have been gradually falling apart the last month or so.  Things were getting difficult before that, but I have had a more and more difficult time holding myself together.  It has become hard to get thru a whole day without some kind of crash to deal with.

Now I spend pretty much all my time just trying to hold my brain and thoughts together.  That is about all I do… and the dishes.

I do not need advice here – I know my options, and I know I will have to make a major decision very soon.  So I do not need any extra distractions.  There will be times when I will need, and ask for advice, but right now I can not handle it.

I know I need help.  The current situation in untenable.  So all the options I am looking at involve getting that help.

For me… part of getting any help includes this Blog.  I am going to use it to share what I am doing, and dealing with.  As I have done.

There may be some dark times ahead.  But I will always be able to communicate here… at least most of the time.  I may need breaks, but I now realize that my Blogs are part of my therapy.  I need them.

Dawn is a Feeling…

If you do not recognize the phrase, I recommend you check this out –  Click Here.

Last night I went outside and built a fire.  I spent a few hours listening to the Moody Blues… watching the stars and the fire… and not doing much else.  Or even thinking about much else.

Sometimes I forget the power of music to transform, and shape our thoughts.  This music has purpose, and deep meaning.  The words carry a message of great value.

It is a message each person must find for themselves.  So I will not even try to relay it here.

We all find powerful words that lead us to a better state of mind.  Music can refresh lost thoughts and feelings.  It can inspire greater good.  It can make us feel our inner spirituality more easily.  And that is something we need to do more often.

I was able to clear away some of the clutter in my thoughts, and remember what is truly important.

It was a wonderful evening!!!!

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?

I Lived Hiding – Why I Write So Much

By that first part of the title, I mean, my life was hidden by a curtain I had learned to live behind from an early age.  I messed up one time I remember, in the second grade, and it still haunts me.  My existence depended on being able to act normal.  I knew I was not normal, but I thought it was because I was weak.  So the curtain came down, and got thicker.

As a teacher, a lot of what I was could come thru.  It helped me relate to students, and to see when to push, and when to let off.  But there was still a curtain between the observable me, and the real me.

So much hiding is what has lead me now, to so much NOT hiding.  Now I blast my thoughts and feelings out over the Internet.  This is the real me.  I have little to hide about what goes on in my brain.  I don’t care what people know about me… to a point.  And there are people reading what I write, and learning about the inside me.  I am out there folks… this is me.  If you doubt it, go away.

Don’t get me wrong… there is still a curtain… but it grows thinner with age.  And mostly remains about protecting the privacy of others.  That part of the curtain will always be there.

NOTE: I say “curtain” and not “wall”, because curtains move and shift with the breeze.  And that’s what happens in real life.

Follow-up For Those in Pain

I am here… I am retired, and spend almost all my time at home.  If you are struggling, and need someone to just listen, or read what you have to say, I am here… 24/7.

Seriously, I have been thru the holiday season in just about every mental state – from completely crashed out, to having a fairly good time.  And I can listen.