Category Archives: Ways Out

Ways out of the pit.

I Need to say more about Myself

I am very happily married – though there are those flashes!

We “get” each other, and know when to just say to ourselves, “whatever”… and move on.  We know what is really important… and we know what is NOT.  We know that flashes of emotion, are only displays of our deeper wants, and needs.  There is joy wrapped within them.  And it all makes us stronger.

Here is the thing.  I am going to write even more about my own experience within my own world.  I am going to write about why I believe things.  And I know the process of resolving conflicts with our beliefs, can become empowering.  I have done much of this… but I have not organized the thoughts.  There needs to be more structure to it.

My brain does not work the way most people’s do.  But it also gives me some interesting abilities.  I can easily view 3D images in my mind… rotating then… even exploding them to visualize all the parts… screws… and whatever, in 3 Dimensions.

I can conceptualize a 4D object… I can “visualize” the axis grid…

So I know my brain is not diminished.  I am okay.  Even if my mind comes up with odd conclusions ,there is no reason to diminish my intellect.  If you can not connect to the concepts I present, then maybe it is your intellect that is lacking.  Or not.

There really is no way of  knowing.

If you know me, you know my mind does not work as yours does.  But is it Wrong?

Separating Behavior from Thought… a difficult battle for those few who find the need to Define Themselves to Themselves.

When you are depressed you loose the ability to intellectually… do anything.  That is not an option.  But we still feel the emotional side… and there is also our philosophical side – it may be our religion, or any philosophical concept of existence.

You become a captive held away from the World.  Depression takes away our ability to defend ourselves.  So we hide.  We run away.  We will do anything to avoid the ___ that comes at us.  And each of us has our own Structure of Fear… the things we need to avoid.  No-one can point to any example of how they feel, because there are no examples… everyone is different. 

There is nowhere to point your finger.  So to most people, what you say is little more than fantasy.  You know the feeling… when something so deeply within you, is smiled upon as a passing fancy by those you share it with.  What becomes important to us, is but trivia to them…

2013 – My Year in Review

This year started out with a lot of hope… and it ends that way too! Smile

Last Winter I learned some important things that have greatly helped me to start moving forward again.  And I am now on the right track.  There were some major setbacks, but they will fade into history as the new year gets going.

The holidays have been difficult – they always are.  But I feel even that will be better next year.  Being around groups of people is hard for me even when I know them.

I will be going on my very first overnight trip by myself, in the first half of January – that is going to be a big step!  And things at home have been gradually improving for me.  I am able to do more every week.  There is room for optimism.  I know which way to go now.

Sure… there are obstacles ahead, but I think I can see most of them, and though there will be struggles along the way, I feel better than ever about my chances.  I am having less anxiety about my life, and day to day anxieties are down as well.  I have reason to feel better about just about everything.

Home life is improving, and I am feeling better about my isolation – there is really nothing out there I feel like I am missing.  I have a wonderful home, and a supportive love.  And my kitties really like me!

I am actually looking forward to next year!

Living With Phobias – At Least for Me

Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to.  They are always part of our lives.  They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.

I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences.  Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do,  The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways.  I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).

My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out.  The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World.  Nothing has changed if I stay home.  So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine.  There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food…  So those are the places I can count on when I need to.

I really do love my home.  And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable.  It is my safe place.  Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.

I only go out where I want to, or where I have to. 

Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week.  And that is just fine.  I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone.  I do not have to go out for anyone else.  So I don’t.

It is not a perfect system – but what is?  There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere.  And I really would like to be able to go out more.  But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad.  In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.

Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! Smile

Routine is All I Have

There are things I am trying to change – slowly.  There are not always a lot of choices in our lives, and routine can be comforting.  We can have a simpler life with fewer decisions.  But it is easy to fall into a non-productive routine that brings no joy.

I live by routine.

Now I am trying to change my routine some.  This has proved to be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do.  Some things need to stay the same – feeding the cats etc.  But now there are things that need to change.

So far… I have no idea how it is going.  I have tried to do things differently.  I need my “free” time to be more rewarding… more fun.  It is not more fun yet.  Actually it is anything but fun.  I have to push myself so hard to get thru it.  I sit in a different place… watch different things, and work on my hobbies.  It should be easy.  And I worry that I may suck all the fun out of everything…

And I have to do this on my own.  This is the only place I can share my experiences.  There are no hobby friends to talk with… no friends at all really.  I have to push myself forward, by myself… with mixed results.

I know it will get better.  It has to.  But it is increasing my anxiety level.  And I am not convinced it will make any difference.  Why venture into a new world, when the current one works – though it may not be working very well?

I will keep try as long as I can… or as long as it seems to matter.

Biggest Cause of Anxiety…

Things that should happen but might not.

It seems so simple…   And…   Sadly…   It is…

When people you know are suffering from very high anxiety, the best thing you can do is to just go on as if everything was normal.  The anxiety is probably about a fear of things not going the way they should.

So just keep swimming… just keep swimming…

Wanting to Go Out

Sure!  There are times I want to go out, and can’t.  It hurts, and sometimes I crash out as a result.  But even that can get better.

I plan my trips carefully – I am sure my readers understand that.  I try to only go out once a week, and I try to go to some fun place if I have to go somewhere not-so-fun.  But even that is not enough sometimes.  And then I feel like I have failed.

Many of you know how it feels to not be able to go out at the last minute.  It feels like such a huge personal failure.  But think of this – if your leg was in a cast up to your hip, you would not be so hard on yourself for not going.  You have a cast on your brain!  Smile

OK… that is not really a very good analogy… but it is true. 

We are only just beginning to develop an understanding of how the brain works.  It is the most complex machine on Earth.  So give yourself a break.  If others can not, or will not see how you suffer, then their evaluation of the situation is faulty – to say the least.  You know, and that is what matters.

I do not know who the “you” is that I am writing about… but you do.

When I fail to go out, it does not bother me as much as it used to.  The people whose judgment I was so keen to accept, are not here anymore.  They have all faded away.  Now there are very few left… but they are the ones who matter.  They are the ones who try to understand.  And when they can’t, they still make allowances.

Listen to those friends.

And listen to your own mind, and heart.  It is your life to enjoy, or not.  And you can make it what you need it to be.

Now… I am saying all this to myself as much as to anyone who reads this.  These are things I have to remind myself of every day.  Above are just some of the things I have to remind myself of every day.  It’s like a ritual – I have plenty of those too, but that is for a different Blog.  My life is mine to live… people who don’t get it, or won;y try, are not my problem.

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

insert cleaver title here

I think differently… at least in some ways.

I do not understand the way people react.  And I think it is beyond doubt that others do not understand how I react.  It’s a given.

The best times for me, are when I am alone at home with Lori.  I need to not be on Social Media, or in contact with anyone.  It is no-one’s fault but my own… but I need a level of contact and trust that most people can not give.  It’s okay.  I get it.

Right now I am struggling with changes I have imposed on my life – I am making an increased effort to keep to myself.  I have hobbies, and reading, and writing to do.  I am reading a couple of books a week, plus some serials.  I am am trying to start writing again.  I have neglected my Blogs, and my journal.

I was so used to having Facebook on almost all day… I keep thinking of things to post.  But it was a false connection to the outside world.  I thought it was real.  Now I look around my office – this is real.  And this space is my life now.  Plus the rest of the house of course.

I have everything delivered – including food.  I do not have to go out very often.  And I only have to go out to places I know, and feel comfortable with.  The pieces are starting to fall together.

It will take a while to adjust, but I will.   Smile

New Efforts, in New Directions

I am struggling to decide what to do now…

I am not sure I feel comfortable with the new psychologist I saw.  I seemed wrong.  Though that could be normal.

Should I try seeing someone else?  Or would more choices just make things harder?  Things just do not feel right.

The last few days I have gradually fallen into depression trying to think about all this – or is it not trying to think about it all?  Whatever it is, it is clear I have a great internal conflict going on in my mind.  I get many glimpses of this conflict, and am slowly putting together some kind of thought… about it all.  Maybe.

That is about as much I can cobble together at this point.

I was only able to be up about 5 hours yesterday.  And it is already noon now – I have only been up a little while.  my mind shuts down, and I can not think about anything.  Some of you know that feeling all too well.

Little pieces of thought creep in, and eventually it makes for something… and sometimes it even helps me figure out something.  Usually I just try to go back to sleep.  It is a slow process, and I am not sure if it is actually getting anywhere, or if I am reaching for straws!

Maybe my brain is just trying to make itself feel better, and ignore the truth.  There could be a whole world lying in front of me, and I am unable to see it.  That seems to be the case… but I can not know.

So I keep going.  I do what I have to to keep going.

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

That’s where I am now.  I think I was expecting to feel more sure about things after going to session.  And I thought that when the session went well, I would know what to do next.  I do not.  I am even more confused.

So I am at a point where I have to just let things settle in my brain.  The the storm will subside.

But for now, there is a constant flurry of inter-related thoughts that never stick in my mind long enough to view, let alone resolve.  All I can do is let it pass, and try to calm myself.

It will work out.  And I have every reason to believe I am going in the right direction – I just wish to were easier.  I am slipping in and out of depression almost constantly – that makes it hard to do much of anything.  There are moments when I can think clearly, and periods when I can not.

I keep trying to think of things that might help me get thru this more quickly.  Nope… I am not seeing it.  I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

Once things settle down in my mind, it will all start to crystalize in front of me.  I will see which way to go – though I am pretty sure I know what that will be.

For now… I will get thru the depression as it comes.

My “Intake” Session

Today I went to a session with a new psychologist.  I do not know how I feel about it yet.  How much can I learn in 1 hour?

We covered a lot of ground, but very superficially.  I have not made a decision about how I think we will get along.  I should see her at least one more time.

There are too many thots to write much.  I just want to have a special dinner and haze-out.

I Am About to Write About My Road to Recovery…

Wednesday I will be meeting a new psychologist.  It raises my anxiety.  But this is something I have been preparing for for quite a while, so I am as ready as I can be.  Life has not been kind, but we all have to make our own way thru it.

Monday… I am feeling a great deal of anxiety about this whole thing!  I know I have to follow thru, but my mind is quickly working on excuses for not going.  It would make my life so much easier (in the short term) to just stay home, and keep going as I am.

That would not be a very good approach…  Though it is very appealing right now.  This is one of those times when I have to really push myself to do what I know I need to do.  Just typing that made me feel depressed.  Why should I have to push so much to do things that are so clearly necessary?

There is no “why”.  There is no explanation that will make me feel any better about it.  It is what it is.

Today I will have to just deal with it.  Then tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will worry about that in the morning.  There is plenty for today already.

I will spend a lot of today trying to relax.  There are small things I can do to occupy my mind.  I call it “tinkering”, and I will need to do a lot of it!  I am going to try to focus on my things, so it will feel more rewarding to me.  There are other responsibilities too… but I will mix it all together, and tinker.

I do not even know if this psychologist will work out for me, and I have fears of having to start looking again.  I try to put those thoughts out of my mind, but the are real concerns.  I may not even know the answer to for several weeks… it could take a few sessions to figure this all out.  I know that…

So this is where I am.  And all I can actually do is push forward… keep going… and hope for the best.

Silent Progress

I have sort of made some progress in these last few days…

There are some decisions I need to make.  I meet with my new psychologist Wednesday.  There is so much to think about.

I will, of course, have to try to go along with how things go at my intake session with someone new.  How much do I say?  I  suspect I will know, but I would like to have some ideas before going in.

When should I give permission for her to talk with my former psychologist (whom, incidentally, is no longer seeing patients at all for a while, so I understand better). I am tending towards the 2nd session… but why wait?

There are many more things I have thought of… to try to figure out how to be ready.  Even if things go completely unexpectedly, it will make it easier to go if I have some of this figured out.  Make sense?