Category Archives: The Pit

Being a Second Class Person

Because I am “crazy”, people can justify filtering, or ignoring things I say.  People can apply their own double standards because things I say can’t be trusted – my emotions are all over the place, so my logic can be discounted.  This especially happens if my emotions runnith-over, because we all know “crazy” people can’t be logical or talk right.

In all fairness, I do sometimes mess up how I am trying to say something… usually by leaving of the first part of my thought.  But that is followed by comments of my not making “any” sense, and increasing the amount of what I say that can be ignored.  No explanation can rehabilitate my thought, because why?  Cuz I am Crazy.  Move on.

Just the other evening, Lori contended a double standard was appropriate.  She did not have to follow the same rules of logic I did… because I am “crazy”.  She can ignore things I say, OR reinterpret them as she sees fit.  All this because I am “crazy”.

People don’t answer pleas for help… how could they?  I am “crazy” so there is clearly nothing they can do to help.  Walk away.

When people THINK there is nothing they can do, they walk away.  They never find out what they could have done… how they could have made a positive difference.  But that’s ok…  I am “crazy”.

I have a recorded IQ of over 150… I’m no genius, but I am smart.  People who know me have told me I am smart. Yet… when I act the least bit “crazy”, or even some way they think might be a little bit “crazy”, they can dismiss, ignore, or rewrite any of it.  Ignore me.

I’m not sure they realize what they are doing… they may think “Poor Neil…” or one thing I have read written about me more than once, “That’s just Neil.”  Meaning `just ignore it’.  Just ignore Neil.  He will go away… he always does.  Then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.  It’s not really any else’s problem anyway.

How easily all this could have been avoided… 40 years ago.

What is this Blog for?

I started writing my Blog when I was feeling very lost, and I needed a way to communicate… especially to people who knew me. I was going thru therapy, and trying to put together all the little pieces I was learning about myself.

I was trying to move back into the mainstream, while hopefully saying some things that sounded familiar to some other people. I wanted to do something.

That all changed.

Somewhere back a couple of years… or so. As I slid farther into isolation, I would stop writing for periods. My Blogs and my journal writing became sporadic. I tried to keep going, but I found fewer and fewer things to write about… NOT fewer things to think about… I just didn’t see the point in writing about them.

I feel a little selfish saying I had hoped for my outreach to help me with building friendships too. I thought if only I could make people understand, they would be more likely to want to be friends. It did not work out that way. If anything, I think it has served to frighten them, and push them even farther into history.

Now they are all gone… if they were ever there to begin with.

I have come to realize that no-one in their “right mind” would ever want to be friends with me. I am “crazy”. I have said so myself in these Blogs. And it seems everyone took it to heart. And now I have finally given up on friends.

So what is this Blog for?

I have no idea. I have a few followers. So someone is reading. And I still may have useful things to say. But now it has become more of a burden than a blessing. It should not be like that.

I either need to find a new reason for writing. Or I should give it up and move on. I am not ready to decide. But I have to think about it… I have too many things to think about. It slips thru the cracks in my thoughts. I can not decide much of anything anymore.

I have moved completely off the grid. To all those people I knew, I have vanished. I no longer exist. Even to myself, I am a shadow of myself.

Though… it May Not Seem Like It

It does not always feel, or even seem like things are getting better. I tell myself things are better… sometimes Lori says I am doing better. I never know.

Fridays are usually bad – I am faced with a weekend, and the possibility of getting more things done. It rarely works out, and I do know that. So I am fighting the desire to pack it in, and give up on any plans. That is by far the easiest solution.

Is it obvious that it’s not the right solution? Obvious or not, it is the path of least resistance. We are like water, and electricity… we follow the path of least resistance. Except that we are supposed to have free will. Whatever that is.

I will go to bed early, and try to sleep thru the night. There will be nightmares – like last night. The more stress, the more nightmares there are. They may just be dreams, but they take all will out of me.

We do get better… it just doesn’t always feel like it.

Biopsy Results… or Lack Thereof

I had thought today I would be writing about my test results, and how I feel. I can write about how I feel.

This is the 3rd time I have had a canceled appointment. At least with the others I had several days’ notice. To be fair, I canceled 1, because I could not get a call-back to answer some questions about it. They never called back. I left 3 messages.

I need to get this over with, so I rescheduled for Dec. 23rd. Not a great date, but I suppose I need to get it done.

How I am feeling?

There are several things tearing at my mind. One is that I can’t possible have to go thru all this again. The other is that no-one I know has made any comments about all this to me at all. Of course, people I know also know me… so they tend to stay away and not say anything.

Isn’t that what friends are for?

As I have said, I have no friends. No-one reaches out (except B.C.). It has always been that way. People run away when things get tough.

Tomorrow I Get My Biopsy

Tomorrow I go in for a biopsy. The doctor told me the odds, and they seem in my favor. But I understand Math well enough to know that “odds” are just a best guess. They do not mean anything.

I am not even sure I care. It is not like there is some reason why I would like to draw out my life any longer than it has to be.

The Pit is always there beneath me. I can not avoid it. There will be no-one to catch me… or help me up when I fall. I am left to my own devises to find ways out of my problems. I suppose that is how it is supposed to be.

This is not how I ever dreamed the world would be – cold and indifferent. Come… go… we don’t care. Just don’t inconvenience us with sad tales.

Christmas is Over…

I was looking forward to Christmas this year. I wish it was over.

I have no family or friends. There is no-one I want to see. There is no-one I know of who wants to see me. People can talk a good line, but no-one has tried to contact me in any way… not as a friend.

People who claim to be “family” have no right to do so. They have shunned me, and avoided me. Even when I have reached out to them in my times of desperation… they have not been there. Their silence screams volumes.

I am tired of my life.

Every time I have thought I had found a friend, they have turned their backs on me. Sound familiar H.N. or B.R.? The result is always the same… I am alone.

I understand that people don’t like to deal with me, or have me around, but that is never what they say.

Leave me alone.

Trying to Have No Feelings…

I was in Newport this week. I spent a couple of nights at my favorite place. I had one small panic attack – being so far from home. But it was a very nice trip… I read “Goblet of Fire”.

I come home, and have to resume my “normal” life. I don’t really know whether going helps in the long run. But I am not going to worry about that now. The time for that will be before the next trip.

I had some depression earlier today. I can feel it near.

It gets so hard to keep trying to push it away. It’s either that or fighting anxiety. Nice combination.

Everyone has situational anxiety… I am talking about chronic anxiety. Anxiety that exists for no reason. It just is.

My thoughts are kind of meandering. I don’t know how I feel. There are things I need to be doing, but I have no energy.

Here’s Another Fine Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into…

My brain won’t let me live a normal life. I get that. And I have to go thru the depression. I get that too. But can’t there be more happy times to balance it out? I mean… that would really be a big help.

And ya know… I do not get a lot of solace from things being better than they were without meds. They don’t work for everyone, but they greatly shorten my depressive periods. Of course, this means I can be depressed more often! Nice…

But… no matter what I say or write, Depression is a part of my life, and I have to accept that, and learn to live around it.

 

P.S. “The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.”

Unstable to the Last

I have to be very careful about interacting socially. Recently I tried getting back on Facebook. It was okay, as I tried to hold a low profile. But it wasn’t enough, and I got sucked in.

I pretty much stayed to myself, and on my own page. I “liked” some posts, and posted on my own page. A couple days ago – or was it yesterday – I commented on a friend’s page. It was a simple little comment… but someone decided to call me a “fool”.

I felt it physically. All through my chest I felt a swirling that I know all too well. My mind started to freeze up… and the world seemed to go a little dark. I could feel the panic. I deleted my comment, and went off Facebook. Then I went to bed.

I tried going back on a couple hours later, but just couldn’t stay. If I cannot comment on friend’s pages, then what is the point? I cannot know how people will respond when I don’t even know them. So I have to stay away from friend’s pages.

Fear took control… and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am emotionally unstable, and it makes me want to hide away even more. I am going to stay home… for a while. Now it will take me some time to put the pieces back together. And I will try again sometime…

Anxiety rules my life. Fear takes control. I have to take a back seat when anxiety takes over. And of course, depression is not ever far behind. Hours… days of hiding away, only to be right back in the same place a few days or weeks later. What has happened will happen again.

Nothing ever seems to get better. Today I am not as optimistic as I normally can be.

Probably a Grandmother By Now…

cannon_beach_family_bonfireThis morning I picked up a photo from my office floor.  How did it get there? It’s a picture of a girlfriend from high school.  And it occurred to me that she is probably a grandmother by now.

Suddenly I was very sad.

We have no children.  I had always thought I would. But life had its own plans for me.  Things don’t always work out the way you plan.  There is nothing I can do about it now.  There is not enough room in the rest of my life to accomplish much of it.  And there are times when I feel my life continues to spin farther out of control.  There is nothing I can do.

I am not sure how I got here… what forces diverted me.  Don’t get me wrong, I like much of my life.  I just have so little control.  Anxiety… depression… my brain keeps me immobile.  But I have long since given up dreams.

Life without dreams is not where I thought I would be.  It limits, and minimizes.  It leaves me stationary… stopped.  In some ways I have been stopped since 1985 when I left the U. of Washington.  Everything stopped after that.  I don’t know what happened.

My life moved along, and so did I.  But I never dreamed much anymore… I never saw everything as possible.  There have been changes, but my hopes and dreams have been left far behind.

Now my dreams are small – a shelf here, a small trip… anything.  And I can not even make those come true.  I can not push myself anymore.  Not like I used to… back when I pushed myself to have what appeared as a relatively normal life.  I could look almost normal.  I can’t do that much anymore.  I don’t have much inclination to even try.

Today, I mostly try to get thru the day.  I try to enjoy my time… though I am not doing anything.  And that has become good enough.

Shit.

The View Can Be Nice From Here

The sun might be out at times.  And there are some nice plants growing on the walls.  The echo sounds good if you sing to yourself… or you can pretend it is someone else talking.  And lightening would not make it down the hole to the bottom.

Even in the Pit, there are good things to think about.

I spend a lot of my day doing just this… trying to find the good parts of the world.  And my ideas can be pretty much of a stretch, but it is often all I have.  Like right now.  The one about the plants really did make me feel better.

It’s all I can do to hold on.

Sometimes, I Can Not understand how I got this far…

My personal history, seems as a nightmare to me now.  To had to stand in front of people, and teach…  I can not imagine doing that now.  It could not really have happened.

I can not understand how I did it.  It’s like once having been able to fly… and now I can not understand how I did it.  And from my point of view, that is a good comparison.  It seems like flying… how could I have done that?

My mind is not able to go places Ii it used to be able to go.

I am not sure, but I think I like it here better.  But that does not answer the question.  How could I have done that?  And what brought me here?

When I think about teaching… or as is more common, I have nightmares about it, it is my Hell.  How did I get here?  My mind has changed…

As Time Crawls Along

The passage of time is not always predictable.

“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”  –  Albert Einstein

For me, time seems to go so very slowly most of the time.  Depression makes time slip by so very slowly.  But that is not even the worst of it…

Because of my home life, most mistakes, or misunderstandings, cost me at least a week.  Since I am home by myself all the work week, there are times when I can only get some things done on the weekend.  Missing an opportunity easily pushes “plans” back a week or more.  And usually I have little control over it… so almost every week I push back my plans… my hope.

Sometimes whole months slip by without any real progress in my life.  I am getting household things done… trying to keep up.  But my personal life just sits.  And there is no-one who will help me make it better.  I am not trusted… and my needs are not a priority.  But even that is my own fault…

See… if you struggle all your life, without knowing what is ripping your thoughts, and emotions apart, it is hard to become trusted.  And even when you find out what the truth is, and work towards building some kind of life, that trust does not come back… ever.

I have only myself to blame, and only myself to look to for answers.  It is a mind-numbingly slow process.  Often it does not even seem worth it.    And much of the time, I wish I could stop caring.

I am not the only one with this experience.  There are far too many of us.  But there are far more people out there who do not understand, and do not actually believe in our internal problems.  Just get up and take care of your responsibility… just go out… just…  they all mean, “Just try harder” by other words.

People who treat us like that, have NO concept of trying harder.  They have NO understanding of what trying is really like.  They are not trying to overcome their own mind.  Life must be nice…