Category Archives: Me & My Issues

2013 – My Year in Review

This year started out with a lot of hope… and it ends that way too! Smile

Last Winter I learned some important things that have greatly helped me to start moving forward again.  And I am now on the right track.  There were some major setbacks, but they will fade into history as the new year gets going.

The holidays have been difficult – they always are.  But I feel even that will be better next year.  Being around groups of people is hard for me even when I know them.

I will be going on my very first overnight trip by myself, in the first half of January – that is going to be a big step!  And things at home have been gradually improving for me.  I am able to do more every week.  There is room for optimism.  I know which way to go now.

Sure… there are obstacles ahead, but I think I can see most of them, and though there will be struggles along the way, I feel better than ever about my chances.  I am having less anxiety about my life, and day to day anxieties are down as well.  I have reason to feel better about just about everything.

Home life is improving, and I am feeling better about my isolation – there is really nothing out there I feel like I am missing.  I have a wonderful home, and a supportive love.  And my kitties really like me!

I am actually looking forward to next year!

Routine is All I Have

There are things I am trying to change – slowly.  There are not always a lot of choices in our lives, and routine can be comforting.  We can have a simpler life with fewer decisions.  But it is easy to fall into a non-productive routine that brings no joy.

I live by routine.

Now I am trying to change my routine some.  This has proved to be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do.  Some things need to stay the same – feeding the cats etc.  But now there are things that need to change.

So far… I have no idea how it is going.  I have tried to do things differently.  I need my “free” time to be more rewarding… more fun.  It is not more fun yet.  Actually it is anything but fun.  I have to push myself so hard to get thru it.  I sit in a different place… watch different things, and work on my hobbies.  It should be easy.  And I worry that I may suck all the fun out of everything…

And I have to do this on my own.  This is the only place I can share my experiences.  There are no hobby friends to talk with… no friends at all really.  I have to push myself forward, by myself… with mixed results.

I know it will get better.  It has to.  But it is increasing my anxiety level.  And I am not convinced it will make any difference.  Why venture into a new world, when the current one works – though it may not be working very well?

I will keep try as long as I can… or as long as it seems to matter.

Biggest Cause of Anxiety…

Things that should happen but might not.

It seems so simple…   And…   Sadly…   It is…

When people you know are suffering from very high anxiety, the best thing you can do is to just go on as if everything was normal.  The anxiety is probably about a fear of things not going the way they should.

So just keep swimming… just keep swimming…

I Know I Over-react… But Doesn’t that Mean I Am Reacting in the Right Direction?

I have emotional issues – everyone can see that.  Sometimes I over-react to things, and people run away.  But I think my reactions are at least going in the correct direction – I am reacting correctly at least initially.  Then I go too far…

I understand that people are taken-aback by it.  But I never hear from them.  Oh there are occasionally people who try to help.  But the people I thought I could rely on most, are nowhere to be seen.  And so I withdraw farther into my own world.  It is a nice world… it could rain more though.

Maybe people think these are issues best dealt with within the family.  For me, that means between me and Lori – there is no other family.  Or maybe I should talk with my closest friends – those were the people on Facebook.  So I am left with writing about things here, in my journals, and talking with my cats (not great conversationalists).

The process is very familiar to me.  It has been a central story in my life.  I reach out, and others pull back.  Lori gets more responses to my over-reacting than I do.  But it seems to me clear that I am the one most in need.  It is a dynamic that sucks the energy and hope out of me.  I have to deal by myself.

The first step for me is always to pull back, and go farther into hiding.  If they do not need me, I can not let myself need them.  It is not as easy as it sounds, so I am not sure how others do it!  Maybe they just click their friend-counter down one notch, and move on.

Now… that is a bit harsh.  I am not giving them a break.  Clearly other things are affecting them in their choices.  I just do not know what those things are.  I am left to my imagination as to what is really happening, and why.

Whatever is happening, it is centered on me.  It is my fault… and my responsibility.  So I will go on, and reach out where I can.

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

insert cleaver title here

I think differently… at least in some ways.

I do not understand the way people react.  And I think it is beyond doubt that others do not understand how I react.  It’s a given.

The best times for me, are when I am alone at home with Lori.  I need to not be on Social Media, or in contact with anyone.  It is no-one’s fault but my own… but I need a level of contact and trust that most people can not give.  It’s okay.  I get it.

Right now I am struggling with changes I have imposed on my life – I am making an increased effort to keep to myself.  I have hobbies, and reading, and writing to do.  I am reading a couple of books a week, plus some serials.  I am am trying to start writing again.  I have neglected my Blogs, and my journal.

I was so used to having Facebook on almost all day… I keep thinking of things to post.  But it was a false connection to the outside world.  I thought it was real.  Now I look around my office – this is real.  And this space is my life now.  Plus the rest of the house of course.

I have everything delivered – including food.  I do not have to go out very often.  And I only have to go out to places I know, and feel comfortable with.  The pieces are starting to fall together.

It will take a while to adjust, but I will.   Smile

Baby Steps…

I take one week at a time.  I have a routine for the week, and if things go well, I can get a lot down and have a lot less anxiety.  When things work, my life feel very nice!

It happens.

Most weeks I can hold my own… things are OK.  The problem is that right now, there are more weeks below average, than above average.  I am working to change that.  I am slowly improving my world.  What is one small thing I can do to make my space a little friendlier today?  I do not think about it every day… but many.

Today I am doing laundry, and mapping out the project of finishing the lighting in may Painting Room.  Small things… I will lay out a small project that will simplify the junk on my Hobby Bench  — that will clear some space I need to working.

Then I will try to finish up the hull of the HMS Elizabeth.  At least I want it to be ready for priming. 

That will be a lot to do for today.  A Chore… Planning and Prep… Hobbying.  That makes for a nice combination.  One good day at a time!

This runs into trouble if I start to get mentally overloaded… which is happening much more easily these days.  Even simple things send my mind into retreat.  Decisions elude me.  I hit walls at every turn.  So I am simplifying… everything!

Go Slow…

I Have Intellectual Conversations With My Cats…

Of course… they do not respond… or seem deep in thought… or close to a solution… they mostly have trouble keeping their eyes open.  But their company is every bit as much appreciated!  They add just as much to my life.

In my efforts to build up my life at home, I am pulling back some from social contact – I know… how could I pull back any more than I already have been?  Deleting Facebook is a first step.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and conversing with them.

This is mostly an internal thing… it is about what I am thinking about.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and how they will respond.   I can put some things out of my mind.  It’s a start.

Improving My Life at Home – Goal 1

I need to learn how to enjoy myself at home.  I used to be able to do this much of the time.  Then I went back to college, got my teaching credentials, and spent 15 years teaching.  I retired 13 years ago, and am just beginning to get my old joys back.

Recently I bought myself a Kindle, and have got back into reading like I used to.  My dyslexia does not seem so bad reading from the lit screen.  I like it.  I may even write some reviews!

That is one small part of my current thinking.  There are things I would like to spend more time doing.  Most people would just say, “Then just do those things.”  I get it.  But it is not so easy when you have to fight anxiety, and avoid depression.  And I get so tired of fighting it all the time.  So I am learning new things to help create new patterns in my time.

I have set up my Tablet on my hobby bench, so I can watch stuff while I am working.  It helps break up anxiety into smaller bits.  There are things I can do.  I am trying to establish some long term (a few weeks), relatively predictable time so I can plan, and follow thru.

At the same time, there are things I can not control.  Most I think I can learn deal with.  But some are more fundamental living condition issues that hamper progress.  Such is life.

My Own Worst Enema? What?? OOoOOooohh…

I know I tend to make things harder for myself, and people tend to not know what to do.  Eventually, I feel so isolated that I reach out too publically. 

It’s like shooting myself in the foot… I’m not getting anywhere with this.

But it’s OK.  I have been here before, and I know the way out… at least I think I do.  And that feels like enough right now.

So I guess I will work out the details, and move on.  And I am by no means the only person that lives this way.  There are many who struggle to fit in because things don’t quite connect the same way.  Some are more obvious… some less so.  Some of us spend decades learning how to behave in order to pass.  It is not as fun as it sounds.

So I will find a way past my latest setbacks, use my new knowledge (see previous Blog), and move forward.

NOTE: there should be no more ads in this Blog.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today…

Yea… I don’t know either.

I have not been Blogging because I have got as far as I can.  I am at a point, where they next thing I need to do in my life, is beyond my reach at this point.  So I am waiting.

Things have been up and down – mostly down.  But at least I know where I am!  So that is better than a couple of months ago.

Also I have lost my last social contact – facebook.  So I no longer have a place to reach out… or look for help.

But most of my life has been like that.  All my fault… I know.

New Efforts, in New Directions

I am struggling to decide what to do now…

I am not sure I feel comfortable with the new psychologist I saw.  I seemed wrong.  Though that could be normal.

Should I try seeing someone else?  Or would more choices just make things harder?  Things just do not feel right.

The last few days I have gradually fallen into depression trying to think about all this – or is it not trying to think about it all?  Whatever it is, it is clear I have a great internal conflict going on in my mind.  I get many glimpses of this conflict, and am slowly putting together some kind of thought… about it all.  Maybe.

That is about as much I can cobble together at this point.

I was only able to be up about 5 hours yesterday.  And it is already noon now – I have only been up a little while.  my mind shuts down, and I can not think about anything.  Some of you know that feeling all too well.

Little pieces of thought creep in, and eventually it makes for something… and sometimes it even helps me figure out something.  Usually I just try to go back to sleep.  It is a slow process, and I am not sure if it is actually getting anywhere, or if I am reaching for straws!

Maybe my brain is just trying to make itself feel better, and ignore the truth.  There could be a whole world lying in front of me, and I am unable to see it.  That seems to be the case… but I can not know.

So I keep going.  I do what I have to to keep going.

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

That’s where I am now.  I think I was expecting to feel more sure about things after going to session.  And I thought that when the session went well, I would know what to do next.  I do not.  I am even more confused.

So I am at a point where I have to just let things settle in my brain.  The the storm will subside.

But for now, there is a constant flurry of inter-related thoughts that never stick in my mind long enough to view, let alone resolve.  All I can do is let it pass, and try to calm myself.

It will work out.  And I have every reason to believe I am going in the right direction – I just wish to were easier.  I am slipping in and out of depression almost constantly – that makes it hard to do much of anything.  There are moments when I can think clearly, and periods when I can not.

I keep trying to think of things that might help me get thru this more quickly.  Nope… I am not seeing it.  I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

Once things settle down in my mind, it will all start to crystalize in front of me.  I will see which way to go – though I am pretty sure I know what that will be.

For now… I will get thru the depression as it comes.

I Did Not See This Coming

I am depressed.

I knew I would have a lot to think about after my first session with a new psychologist.  But I did not anticipate being so overwhelmed by it.  I have not called to make another appointment… I can not get myself to make any decisions.  I am stuck.

Session went pretty well… and I feel good about it.  But I can not move on.  My mind will not integrate what is happening.  I am not even sure what is happening in my brain.  But whatever it is, I have not been able to think things thru to any kind of conclusion.  I know what I should do… but I can not be sure enough to do anything!

So I have struggled thru the last few days, just trying to stay awake, and as active as I can be.  It is not going well.

My Blogs have been a bit boring as well.  That comes from not knowing what to write… because I do not know what to think.

Depression has taken over my life the last few days, and I have not been able to shake it.  It is difficult to hold a thought.  I seem to even be rambling thru this Blog as well! 

I am frustrated.  There are so many thoughts running thru my mind, that I can not focus on any of them, and none lead to towards any conclusions.

I guess I should stop writing now… more later.

Those Struggling Days

Am here I am.  Yesterday was quite a struggle, and today will be more of the same.  My mind is in somewhat of a turmoil as I try to organize all the different thoughts I have about session.  My moods are going all over the charts today.

And on top of that, I am feeling particularly unproductive – so there are many things I should be doing.  I am trying to tinker away at some of those… it is not all bad.  But my mood changes too quickly to get much done.

I still can not decide what to do… I can’t even think much about the alternatives.  I think my brain is closed for repair.