Category Archives: Me & My Issues

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.

That One Big Decision that Changes Our Lives…

I was a machinist… and I hated it.  But it was not the job I hated.  There was no real intellectual stimulation – it was not difficult enough.  I got to a point where I needed to make a decision.  And one of those, would lead to another such decision…

I had to decide if I wanted to go to a technical school, and get thru a program.  I would have done very well.  And I have always liked working on things.  I think I could have got into design.  And it would have paid pretty well too.

Or I could finish my Math degree, and get a teaching certificate… It would cost a lot more to get thru, and take longer.  The other big thing was that I would make a lot less money.  And I always felt it important to have my space be right for me.  So teaching it was.

First I had to get thru my Degree program.  I finished very well, and enjoyed finally getting my Math degree.  It became known to me that several big companies were offering nice contracts to Math students.  This was my second big decision.

But I had always liked the idea of teaching.  I thought I would be good at it.  And I think I was.  My father said we all have a duty to give back.  Though he did not like to define “give back”.  I wanted to teach.

It was the greatest experience in my life.  I have many fabulous memories… they will last me my entire life. Smile

I think I made the right choices.

So… How Am I Really Doing?

I put on a good show… even in therapy.  I am always in a “better” mood when I talk, or share about myself.  Yup… When I am feeling worse – more normal – I do not communicate much at all.  I learned a long time ago that people do not want to see the truth if they think there is nothing they can do.

So this is Me Lite. 

I make plans as if I am actually going to follow thru.  Every evening I think about what I could do tomorrow.  It almost never happens.  I can not go places, or accomplish things at home.  Everyday I struggle to get up, and get going.  I probably would not if it weren’t for the kitties – they need feeding, and one needs meds.

It is all I can do to get thru most days.  Anxiety and depression take a constant toll.

But it’s not like I have a lot of options.  There is more I need to do – it just takes more planning and energy than I have.  I want to be able to relax more, but having actual fun seems out of reach.  It does not happen very often.  Most days I just get thru…

Maybe I am better, but I am not seeing it.

For Lack of a Nail…

There is so little joy in this life.  There is the struggle over whether it is even worth the effort.  I have lived my whole life looking forward to the day when things would finally start to be easier… and more fun.  It is always just out of reach.

One day, I will either make it, or finally come to realize there is no hope.  Someday, the effort will exceed the potential reward.  It already feels that way some of the time.

Life becomes hopeless. 

But I keep moving “forward”.  I keep trying.  I know going forward is my only hope.  So I can push thru the days, and seek out the little joys I find.  Look around – there are good things in every moment.  Find them.

I have my kitties… and my hobbies… and the weekends.  There is a constant flow of good things it see, and feel. The “nail” is everywhere, if I look for it.  And that is where I can start to build.  The dark days pass, and there is always light.

Never give up for lack of a nail.

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

There is no TGIF

I have struggled thru my life on my own.  Every day is the same – take care of the house, the cats, the bills, and maybe myself.  There are not any days off.  Even on the weekends, the expectation is that I will work on the same things.  There is no break in it.

I can’t even go out my front door without planning, and dealing with anxiety.  My every move to governed by errors in my brain chemistry.  And I have been learning about dealing with it.  It takes constant effort.  I have to fight back the anxiety… and constantly remind myself to avoid depression – if I can.  I have got better at it.

The day to day things… the mundane… the normal parts of life, become nightmares sometimes.  It is all I can do to make it thru the day.  And often I do not.  Several times a week I can not fight it anymore, and have to go to bed and hide my mind.

That makes it difficult to keep going the same way on the weekends as well.  There is never a break – except now I can get away, and go to Newport.  Once a month or so, I get a couple of days to recover.  It is very welcome, though not enough.

I know people have struggles at work… in school… and with other aspects of their lives.  And everyone needs a break.  My struggles are always around me.  I do not get to go home from work for the night, or the weekend.  I do not get to finish my homework, and rest.  There are no final exams.  There is never any true rest… there is only better control.

Some of you will understand.  We live every moment within our nightmare.  It is all around us.  We take it with us.  There is no TGIF.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

The Horror that is Dinner…

Sometimes I plan a nice dinner for myself.  And sometimes I actually make that dinner.  But usually, by the time evening rolls around, I am too tired – mentally tired.  Then I either don’t eat anything, or I eat whatever I can heat up.  This happened most days.

It is part of my life.  It is just something I have to live with.

Wednesday evening I was going to make a nice salmon dinner… with pot-stickers, and veggies.  It was going to be very good.  I had left-overs.  The night before, I did the same thing.  I miss out on a lot of nice dinners – I am a good cook.

How many of you know this feeling?

Sometimes by the end of the day, I am too worn out to read… or even watch TV.  I always look back on the day, and realize what I could have done.  There are so many missed opportunities.  That is the saddest part – my entire life amounts to a series of missed opportunities.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.

And the Meds Keep Coming…

I saw my psychiatrist Monday– she just takes care of my meds.  I have to go every now and then to update my prescriptions.  Right now I feel like they are about right.  I still have too much anxiety at times… but I can usually handle it.

My “anti”-depression meds are still working pretty well – I have a couple of depressive episodes every week, but they usually last less than a day.  Before this, they last days, or even weeks.  So I am back to mostly having to manage anxiety.  And I have go much better at that.

There were other issues to cover.  I will be talking with her about finding a new psychologist in April… so that will help.  She likes my plan of trying to stabilize my home life for a while – as long as there is progress.  So that helps too.

There were other places to go, and things to deal with Monday.  Then yesterday I had someone in the house to install some “things”.  So I have been pretty well drained.  But today I can try to relax, and get my thoughts together again.

When trying to manage anxiety, the question always arises – “why bother?”  I can hide from most causes of anxiety.  I can shut myself away, and usually feel better.  And it’s not like a have to put any effort into being around people… who would they be anyway?

See… too many thoughts for right now…

This Blog Starts on Tuesday, Jan. 7th…

These are some short notes I wrote while in Newport, Oregon this week…

Here I am – 100 miles from home… by myself.  I have never gone on a trip by myself, to be by myself in my entire life.  Right now I am wondering about whether I have done the right thing!  My anxiety is way up, and I have a great desire to go home.

I do like it here – it is quiet, and there are nice places to eat and shop.  But mainly I am here because of the wonderful Ocean View reading room on the 3rd floor.  I am in the Jules Verne room of the hotel – there is a squid tentacle across the ceiling… it is a little intimidating!  I have some fresh 3-cheese sourdough bread, and wine, so I am not starving.

But the big thing is that I am here!

It is my hope for this to become a place for me to go and get away – what do I have to get away from?  A fair question.  It is not as if I have a complicated life that needs a lot of relaxation.  Actually… it is exactly like I have a complicated life, and need a lot of relaxation.  I need to get away. We have been coming here for a couple of years, so I already feel comfortable here, but this is a bit more of a test.

I have already had several episodes of wanting to run away.  It hurts.  I have put a lot of time and effort into being able to come here.  I can not give up so easily.

Day2

Well… I have actually been here less than a day.  But it is my full day here.  I had a nice breakfast, and then went out to get the things I forgot – toothpaste et.al.  I am back on the 3rd floor in the ocean view reading room.  Much of my day will be here – I do not feel like going out.

Last night was very difficult.  After dinner at Nana’s Pub, I came back to read.  As the evening went on, my anxieties grew.  I had to fight a huge desire to go home.  It took a long time to get to sleep… though I did sleep well once I fell off.

I have been preparing my thoughts for this rip for over a month.  I know this place well enough to have figured out exactly what I would do each day – almost each hour.  That keeps me going.  All I have to decide is what to eat.  And I studied the menu of the one place I am going, so I know what to expect.  This is a place for reading, and my Kindle is full.  And I have music and movies on my tablet.  So I planned carefully to the last detail.

I could not have even thought of doing this f I did not know, and like this place so much.  I have had this concept in the back of my thoughts for over a year.  I was very careful.

Yesterday when I arrived, I was ready for everything to go wrong.  I was worried, and upset.  But so far, everything has been just as planned – except locking my keys in the car.  But then, that is why I had a spare key in my pocket.  I was very careful in my planning.  I only forgot to bring my snacks… so I bought some here.  No problem.

Coming Unglued

Sometimes things happen that cause my mind to become unglued.  This usually results in a quick trip to bed to hide under the covers – literally.    There it can take hours to relax enough just to be able to think again.  More hours are needed to recover.

And then there are times… when everything I know seems to be flying away from me.  Suddenly my entire live is fading, and there is nothing I can do to save myself.  All is lost.  I may just sit on the floor, and cry.  My mind goes into a very dark place.

At such times, I had an occasional habit of reaching out… groping for help.  On Facebook I would cry out, pleading for someone to bring me back down to the ground.  Ranting…  Repeated posts would go unanswered…

Sometimes someone would jump in to try to help.  And it did help when I was able to follow thru with contacting them.  But mostly I was met with silence.  The most aggravating thing for me was when people would contact Lori to find out if she was okay… if she was okay.

That was like the little twist of the dagger in my chest.

She has friends… I do not.  Though!!!  A special thank you to the 3 people who have reached out to me over the last few years.  One I was never able to get back to.  I lost his name in deleted Facebook posts.  Now my Facebook account is deleted!  Deleted… not just closed.  I needed to make it go away.

It will help.  Now there is no place for me to reach out… and Lori will not have to tell people that she is okay.

I Need to say more about Myself

I am very happily married – though there are those flashes!

We “get” each other, and know when to just say to ourselves, “whatever”… and move on.  We know what is really important… and we know what is NOT.  We know that flashes of emotion, are only displays of our deeper wants, and needs.  There is joy wrapped within them.  And it all makes us stronger.

Here is the thing.  I am going to write even more about my own experience within my own world.  I am going to write about why I believe things.  And I know the process of resolving conflicts with our beliefs, can become empowering.  I have done much of this… but I have not organized the thoughts.  There needs to be more structure to it.

My brain does not work the way most people’s do.  But it also gives me some interesting abilities.  I can easily view 3D images in my mind… rotating then… even exploding them to visualize all the parts… screws… and whatever, in 3 Dimensions.

I can conceptualize a 4D object… I can “visualize” the axis grid…

So I know my brain is not diminished.  I am okay.  Even if my mind comes up with odd conclusions ,there is no reason to diminish my intellect.  If you can not connect to the concepts I present, then maybe it is your intellect that is lacking.  Or not.

There really is no way of  knowing.

If you know me, you know my mind does not work as yours does.  But is it Wrong?

2014 – An Even Numbered Year

Even numbered years where the digits add up to 7 (or 5), are lucky!

I have never been one to celebrate New Years very much – it seems so arbitrary.  But it is a new beginning of sorts, so I will take it as a good thing.

Depression has been overwhelming me some the last few days, but at least it does not last weeks like it used to.  So another thing I will take as a good sign.  That big lighted “Portland” sign is a good sign too.

I am trying to be optimistic as I look forward.  There are good things coming up in the next few months.  I have some concerns about my ability to go some places.  It helps to be wearing the One Ring.  So I am still sort-of optimistic.

Today I am trying to just recover from yesterday’s depression.  I need to eat, and slowly think things thru.  I do not have to go out for a few days… though I might.  I have been trying to get myself to the Hobby store for a while now, and it would be nice to go out to dinner…

My biggest goal for the next couple of months is to finish my Space, and get more comfortable here.  And then to gradually start back to going some of my places – like the Hobby store.  Support Local Businesses!!!!

So Happy New Year to all, and I will keep writing for the masses! Smile

Back-Up Plans… Not Mine…

People have back-up plans for things that are important.  But I am not writing here about normal kinds of back-ups… it is the people who know me.

When I say I will try to go out, people come up with other plans for when I crash out, and can’t go.  I know they are just being “realistic”.  I get that.  But it shows me that no-one really expects me to be able to  follow thru.  I tend to think everyone just assumes the “back-up” plans are actually the “real” plans.  I may be wrong… but that is how I feel!

It takes away my energy, and desire to even try.  I am a failure before I start the day.  And it hurts me to my core.  This is the attitude that finally drove me away from Facebook.  That is not what friends do.  Friends stand behind you, and encourage you no matter what has happened.

I understand that over the decades, I have earned a bad reputation for not following thru.  I guess I have earned that.  But how much of it has been self-fulfilling?  There have been many times when in the face of doubters, I just give up – why put out all the effort when everyone thinks it’s hopeless anyway?  Why do things with people who expect me to cancel??

Today (New Year’s Eve) I am fighting this very problem.  Now I think I will not go out this evening.  All the energy and desire to go have evaporated.  Why bother trying?

Trying takes a lot of effort.  And I have to plan it very carefully.  The effort last all day, or even several days while I am getting ready.  It takes a major commitment.  And it is no longer important enough for me to even try.

People will end up having more fun if I just stay home.  Then they can do what they want, and leave me to myself.  That is what happens most of the time.  Everyone seems to like it this way best.