Category Archives: Me & My Issues

I live in a Different Place… and People Just Roll Their Eyes

How the world affects me is different than how it affects most people.  This is especially true in personal relationships.  Those of us with manageable mental illnesses, all know what it is to deal with “normal” people.  They will not understand… we have to learn to “respond” to them as they would expect.  It is not our true nature… but it is an acceptable response.  And if we do not learn this well… we end of failing – on the streets, or in the jails.  We fall thru the cracks.

I could very easily see myself as a homeless person.  I have even thought that it would be a much simpler life.  There would be so much less noise.  But it is a solution to nothing.

As we get closer to people, we have to slowly unroll the internal turmoil that is us.  We have spent our entire lives learning to fit into their world, and now we have to ask someone into ours.  When we get close to some-one, we need for them to learn how to live in our world – or at least to understand what it is like.  Lori has done that… but there are so many others…

I spent 20 years learning to fit in before I began my professional life.  I learned how to hide my internal struggle so well that I would forget about it at times… I would go on autopilot, and not even recognize my own feelings.  I have no doubts, that others noticed the odd little things from time to time.  Even my mother saw it.

But there was never enough to open the door.

Doing Well vs. Having Energy

Today I have done well.

I did not have much energy at all.

But overall, this is a good thing.  At least in the mental illness category.  I felt better, and did not have to work as hard to keep going.  I didn’t accomplish much at all… I had so little energy to work with.

What I have learned, is that I have not simplified my life enough.  So far… not nearly close.  There is still too much input, for my ability to manage it.  I use the word “manage” specifically, because that is what I have to do.  And the more complex my day becomes, there is less I have left for actual real world activities. <—see how I avoided the word “things”?

I need a smaller world.

I need more people within my smaller envelop.

But I have so many other things to deal with, that I can not overcome them enough to have the energy to do what I wish for.  An impartial observer might wonder why this would be any real problem at all – just do it.  Things look pretty good when you are on the outside. 

All those ideas belong in the world of the “normal”.  I am not normal.  Ask anyone.  Seriously.  Ask anyone.

So if I am not normal, why would people treat me as if I am… and why would I be subject the the same concepts about what is an acceptable amount anxiety?  Is it fair to judge me, or treat me, as if I am “normal”, when you would have a hard time finding people who know me who would say I am? And there are millions of other “me”s out there.

We hide so well, even our spouses have a hard time finding us.  We learn from a very early age to never let the world see how we really feel, and what we really think.  And never talk about what goes thru your mind.  The World is a place to be hidden from.

Yesterday Was Really Bad

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had recently.  From the moment I got up, I struggled to stay going.  I was constantly pushing myself, and working at stopping upcoming crashes.  It was never a sure thing.

But thru it all… I held on.  I commented on my social media, and even got a few things done around here.  I was able to go on well enough that I am pretty sure no-one noticed.  I help up.  I even ate.

Days like that happen.  Usually there are breaks during the day, but this was just one of those days where nothing helped.

This is something I have got slowly better at.  I can struggle longer, and harder, and still make it thru.  It is one more small step forward.  I don’t think it will make any difference today… but these things add up.  I have to play the long game.

I just kept telling my brain to stop trying to crash me out, and relax, and go along one more time.  I pushed very hard.  One thing that has made a big difference, has been getting my office more user-friendly.  It makes it easier to relax.  If I can not control the flood of thoughts in my brain, then I can not stand up long.  Having my space, where I am comfortable, and I do not have chores to do, helps.

That’s good.  My paint-room is still lagging… but I do not need to spend time there, so I can ignore it… for now.  Things build up in my mind so quickly, I can not control the flow of thoughts.  So being where I am now, helps me slow down the input some.

Now I have today…

My Cats Save Lives

I could not possible count, how many times in my deepest depressions, that I have thought, `who would take care of my kitties?’  I can’t say that means they have saved my life.  There are always many reasons for sticking around.  It’s just that they tend to be rather prominently listed.  Hmmm…

Right now, Io and Hyperion are sleeping on my office chair.  Phoebe and Caliban are sleeping on my desk.  Cymbeline is in the living room… I am not sure where Titan is…

There seems to be a tendency, for them to follow me around the house… wherever I settle.  Sometimes it is difficult to turn over at night.  And reading my Kindle can require a very carefully built quilt wall to keep them at bay.  But it is… how do you say “worth it” when it is astronomically beyond “worth it”.  They save lives.

I am sure, very many of you feel the same way.  These small critters twist, and squirm their way into our soul.  We are not so different after all… they need us too.

That is being a friend.

We Have Dealt with the Whole “Crazy” Issues Enough for Now – So a Report Card.

So… I am doing much better in 2 major parts of my life:

1)  I am doing much more at home.  Both household jobs, and hobby activities, are getting done more often, and easily.  It is generally easier for me to do most everything.  I have been able to manage anxiety, and avoid depression most of the time.  I am having an easier time calming my mind.

2)  Going out is becoming easier – within limitations.  There are very few places I can go by myself, but with planning, I have even gone on an overnight trip by myself!!  I am now also much more confident about going places with Lori – I think I could prepare to go just about anywhere.

These do not solve all my problems.  I am by no means finished.  And there are always pitfalls, and obstacles to overcome.  I still have to crash out often.  But I recover.  And I am able to move on with just a bit of lost time.

There are other issues.  But I am trying to most concentrate my efforts on the above 2.  If I can get those under more control, I will be ready to move on to the other, and bigger problems… in time.

I give myself  B+

 

I Have NO Desire to be with People who Find Me Boring

FIRST: Let’s get it straight!  I AM boring.  BUT my mother always taught me, that we can be interested in anything, if we want to be.  Damned if she wasn’t right!  There are topics I have had to turn away from… because of various grossness issues.  But even they were probably interesting in many ways.

So if I am not interesting at all?…………………..

What does that mean?

Are my topics all boring?  They are things of intellectual interest?… but they will not lower the price of eggs?  My mother and father taught me that if we limit what interests us, we limit what we can learn.  You can not learn, if you do not reach beyond what you already know.  It took me a very long time to fully understand this.  But now it is a core of my soul.  The World interests me, because I am a part of it.

Nothing happens here, that does not display there…

So how can you be friends with someone, if you do not care about things they care about?  It is not a good beginning.  Why spend time with people who do not care about things you care about?  noff said

What my mother, said several times at least…  This is I believe a quote:: `People who care about you, will care about what you care about.’

Next: so, what if you’re crazy?

Fooling Little Experiments in Life

We all try things from time to time, where we later think, “What the Hell was I thinking?”  I do that a lot.  And then I wonder why I keep trying.

But I do keep trying. 

The biggest problem I have, is that I usually can’t figure out what was wrong with my thinking!  When it comes to issues involving other people, I do not understand what to think.  I seem to be wrong about how people will react, and what they will think, virtually always.  I get it wrong.

This, above all else, has pushed my into seclusion.  Of course… there are the anxieties, phobias, and depressive episodes as well… so it is hard to say what has caused the most problems.  I just don’t have the energy to keep pushing anymore.

So I carefully plan out my efforts.  The slightest things going wrong can force to to quit.  I crash out and retreat into myself, and my home.  I can not predict how things will go, no matter how careful I am.

There are times when I want to completely give up.  That does not work either.  I must have some contact.  So I keep trying.

A Very Weak Week

The last few days have been very trying.  It sort of started when I missed the Super Bowl, and things went downhill from there.  Everything I try to do to meet people, or go out, or be in contact with people, has blown up in my face.  The only things I can do, are alone.

What I am seeing is more isolation ahead.  I can at least go to a nice secluded place to get away… but as far as people are concerned, my life has gone even farther from having any friends.  I just need to stay home.  No-one will ever be better off for knowing me.

I am working on getting my office all finished up – I have made very good progress.  I can be comfortable here, by myself.  I have my hobbies.  But at the same time, I know I will have to make this pretty much my entire world.  There is nothing else.

My mind has been degraded.  I simply do not care as much anymore.  There is not so much to care about.  And it is clear, I can not think the way everyone else does.  I can not make a life with other people in it.  The only thing that works for me, is to be alone.

Just ask anyone… I am crazy.  I am weird, and unpredictable.  I am not a good friend.  I am best forgotten.

Three Blogs in one day?  I will try to slow down.  Smile

My Social Media Burp

After careful planning, I set up a new social media account.  I made sure it was all set private, and wrote I wanted to keep a low profile.  I said I would not post much on other people’s pages, but I was there. 

I invited 12 people to be friends.  And 10 had accepted before things went horribly wrong.  I deleted the account.  I am very sorry to those friends.  I hope they see this message.  It was not your fault.

My First Super Bowl Party!

Yesterday I had my first Super Bowl party ever!  I grew up in Seattle, and have always watched the Seahawks.  This whole season was great… leading up to the Super Bowl.

My first Super Bowl party… and I missed it.  I was unable to attend.  I tried to sleep thru the whole thing.  I was crashed out.  Nice.

I Am a Very Weak Person

I always have been.  There have always been people who know better than I, and have more confidence than I, and who run over me without even noticing.  I have got much worse over the last few years.  This is what I was like before I was a teacher.

Teaching made me feel confident, and I was able to exert my desire, and influence more.  But since retiring, I have lost all that ground.  I have gradually become a doormat.  You don’t even have to try to run over me.  No matter how hard I try, or how long I prepare, I can not stand up.

It takes confidence to stand up for yourself… even on seemingly small things.  I back away at the first hint of failure.  Then I feel lightly around the edges for some sign of something to be self-confident about.  It usually works for a while.  But over a period of time, it wears me down, and I fold like a cheep suit.

This is ALL my fault.  There is no-one to blame but myself.  If I fall apart, it is up to me to figure out what to do – though usually I just give up.

Over time, it gets easier, and easier to give up.  And it gets easier and easier for others to give up on me.  I get is.  That is human nature.

So I retreat again… and farther.  And the next time it will be even harder for me.  I will fail even more spectacularly the next time.  Or I will finally learn to stop trying.  I gave up on making new friends… I gave out on being more social… what’s next?

There must be other things I can give up on.

I hear a very quiet… “I told you so!”    inL

Life’s Distractions Cause Internal Struggles

I am far too easily distracted.  I can not walk thru the house without having a dozen or more things grab at my attention.  And I have a difficult time ignoring them.

My brain is running at full speed most of the time.  Several things can raise my anxiety at the same time, and I struggle to keep my mind on track.  When I think about something that has to be done, I must create a plan.  When there are too many things at once, my mind overloads, and I have to fight to regain my previous thoughts.  It might take a few seconds, or hours.

I am much better in the morning.  But as the day goes on, I get tired.  It starts to wear on me.  By mid-afternoon, I usually can’t block out the noise so easily, and I start to feel low.  It happens almost everyday.  Sometimes I make it thru, and some times I do not.

My brain becomes so busy with too many thoughts, that all I can do is try to sooth the anxiety, and relax all my thinking.  So I do nothing.  I loose the ability to partition my mind, and concentrate on just one thing.

All the little distractions of the day add up… they slowing eat away my energies, and my confidence, until I am useless. 

Some days I get better again in the evening.  It becomes too late to do most things I have thought about, so the list hanging over me gets pared back.  And things can clear up in my mind.  But most days, I have to just cruse thru the evening, and wait to go to bed.

I can not control the flow of thoughts into my mind.

My Life’s Passion

As far back as I can remember, I have been Obsessed with efficiency.  Every movement is a test in efficiency.  How I do everything is carefully designed.  And there are so many outside intrusions – things I must think about.

This may be one of the reasons I like building scale models – there is an exactness to it that most hobbies do not have, (though some have more).  It is all about the detail.  It is impossible for me to do, or observe anything without thinking about how to make it better or more efficient.  Just ask Lori.

It is as fundamental a part of my life, as glass is to Dale Chihuly.  It is what my brain does best.  And it matters that it matter.

I design things in my mind… things I can make in my shop.  The design gets better and better – read that as fewer and simpler parts.  But I get to a Eureka point, where I know I am done.  Suddenly, I know the designing is the best I can make it… move on.  This is such a good feeling… it is like everything being perfect, all at once.

It can take a while to get there.  But the more freedom my mind feels, the more easily I reach that feeling.  It is a very good thing.

I am trying to change how I live, to make my life more conducive to that feeling.  Part of it is getting away from home, from time to time.  My hobbies are another big thing.  But whatever it is, getting to do those things, gives my mind the joy, and reassurance we all need.  Freedom of mind is very important.  It gives me Peace.

SOON:: Distractions of the Mind

Monday… Need I Say More?

Starting a new week is not so hard for me.  I am tired from stress, but I do feel as if the week carries a new alternative.  I could get off to a good start, and do more.

I have been working around the house more the last few months… trying to build more of a routine.  I think it has gone pretty well.  I have not made near as much progress on my own things – hobbies etc.  That does include a lot of projects for the house as well.  I have a wood and metal  shop in the garage… so I can make things.

I is difficult to get started.  I am still working on getting past that initial mountain of anxiety.  At the start of the day, it is hard to see the rewards… at least enough rewards to make it worth the effort.  Starting is my biggest struggle at times.  Like now.

Over the last couple of months, I have made some efforts to get out more… I have gone on a trip by myself!  My biggest disappointment has been attempts to go out for lunch… beer… or whatever with other people.

When I work on plans to get out more, things become very limited.  I can go shopping, and on photo trips.  But there is no-one to do other things with, so there are not a lot of choices.  I suppose it’s all for the best – I do better staying home.  So I am trying to think of more things I can do by myself.

This is all a matter of reorienting my life – at least parts of it.  Sometimes it seems too late for all that… we will see.