Category Archives: Me & My Issues

Inside out, and Outside In

Some things are going well… and some things are not.  But overall, I like the direction I am headed.  I suspect this is all part of my plan.

At home, things are going very well.  I am getting more done, and feeling better about it.  There are still some anxiety management issues… and I am not going to let myself go crazy with expectations.  I know the anxiety is here to stay – nothing magic will make it just go away.  But I am more positive about managing it (at home) than I have been for a long time.

It’s getting out, and socializing that is not working.  Once again, being more comfortable in what I am doing, may be making it harder to do other things.  I will deal with them later.  But I have got my hopes up about doing things with people a couple of times, only to have it fall apart.  Crap…

BUT… one things at a time… right?

I still crash out a few times a week, but now about half the time I will read in bed instead of just hiding under the covers.  Another improvement.  I may read junky books sometimes, but SO WHAT!

There are times when I can get lost in my own activities – sure, it does not last long, but at least it happens.  I try to pay more attention to these times than to when I am feeling bad – I am not doing very well at that.  Things will get better.

No Good Thought Starts With…

“I need…” or  “I just…”

If I let my mind become too relaxed, and wandering, I can easily end up in bad places.  Bad thoughts…  And those thoughts usually start with the words, “I need” or “I just”.  After that, not many good things happen.

I am trying to catch myself when I think those words… I tell myself it will not lead anywhere productive.  So far this helps.  I know I need to change my thinking, and move on to something positive.  It helps.  Though it does take effort… and constant awareness.

Over the last few years, I have learned many little tricks, and things to look out for.  These 2 phrases are only the most recent.  I have found lots of little things to watch out for.  Do I have my wallet?  When I start getting too many OC behaviors, I know my anxiety is up.  That was one of the first things I learned to watch for.

A few months ago I caught the “I just” phrase, and then the “I need”.  Now… all these little “rules” add up, and can create their own stresses.  But overall, it helps to be aware of them.

I just stop myself, and start off on a new thought.  It does help.

Things Just Do What They Want

I should be doing better.  I should be feeling better.

Things are going better at home – I am getting more done.  I am having more success completing things.  But I am not feeling much more energy.  I am still tending to crash out after about 12 hours being up.

Things should be better.

Why am I not feeling it yet?  Things are going along well enough, but I can’t pull it all together.  Is it just a matter of time?  Or is it time to take another look at my meds?  I will be seeing my psychiatrist next month, and we will have to take about this.  So far we have been waiting for my home life to fall into place… I think I am there.  SO it may be time to revisit my meds…

Or maybe I still have farther to go… but I am tired of all the constant effort.  I spend way too much time trying to relax, and lower my anxiety.  It all ends in the early evening, when I have to figure out dinner (or not), and I just can’t do any more.  So I go to bed – sometimes I read for a while… sometimes not.

I know I am better.  Maybe I just need more time to really feel it.

A Dream of Mine… in miniature

When I was a child, there was one thing I always knew would be fun, and would help me feel better.  That was working on my models… cars, airplanes, and ships.  But mostly ships.  Working on them created a now lost sense of mental peace.

The problem is there are too many other things that intrude.  I can not sustain it.

The vast majority of those interruptions come from my own mind.  Things have to be just-right for my mind to be able to move on with my own creative thoughts.  They keep coming back though.  I will gradually fade…

And on top of that there is the outside world… and by that I mean outside our home.  I can not escape it any more easily as anyone else.  But I wish I could.  I wish I could pick and choose what I will pay attention to… what will actually matter to me.  I find my mind “sucked” into the News world.  And I can lose hours in it.  I would like to live in a bubble.  It is a dream.

What I do is creative.  I make things.  And there is art in the making of them.  Is it not as productive as reading a book?  Somehow that seems more acceptable.  “Go read a book.”  But it is still a hobby that does not change the world.  It is to make the world an easier place to live in.  We have to escape… everyone…

And I need to spend a large part of the rest of my life living like this.  I do not have that much left.  I will take care of my friends, and I will narrow my interests elsewhere.  I would do this if I could.  The real world still demands so much…

Where is the balance?  How much time is my own?  How much do I owe elsewhere?

I do not know.  How much can I play?

There is still hope for Chartreuse

My time has been too full the last several days.  There is a family problem to deal with, cats to the vet, and a new crown on a tooth… Too much.

Yesterday I started falling under the pressure.  I am okay, but I have been drained, and I am just sort of coasting along, trying to make things work.  One thing at a time.

I am feeling better about my trip last week, and the next one coming up.  But I have more important things to worry about now.

I have picked the next psychologist I will try going to… though I do not know when that will be.  Some time in the next month or so, I will go.  But as things around home continue to stabilize, I am fine with seeing how it goes for a few more weeks.  Starting to see someone new will take energy, and resolve, but it will help a lot in the long run.

My psychiatrist recommended her, and likes my plan of letting things settle a bit more first.

As for today?  I do not expect to get much done.  It will come in short bursts of energy.  And sometimes, I get a lot done that way.  It all depends on how the first few things go.  I will pick initial tasks that are pretty well defined, and easy to do.  That gives me the best start… and the best chance at success.

All I want is to tinker around the house, and get some things done to make it easier to do more… and then more.  I would like to get the garage finished – it should only take a couple of hours… spread out over a couple of days.

Small plans lead to big accomplishments.

And that nice new chartreuse ink I got is great for highlighting!

They Have a Cat Named Shelly…

The Sylvia Beach Inn has a cat that roams the entire building.  Her name is Shelly.  This last time I was there, when I first went to leave my room Wednesday morning, Shelly was sitting in the hall, facing my door, and meowing.

She knows a cat person when she sees one.

Shelly also followed me around most of the day.  Crazy cat.

It was very relaxing, and rewarding to be in Newport.  Don’t go looking for Silvia Beach though… that was a person.  She owned a Shakespeare bookstore in London.  The hotel is at Nye Beach.  There are no TVs, or even wi-fi.  The place is ALL about reading.  And I sure did my share this last trip.

The whole trip was fun – except as previously noted in my last Blog.  But it got me into a whole new range of thoughts.  Is it enough that is was so fun to be there?  Or does it need to have a lasting effect when I get home, to make it worth going?  I have been thinking about that way too much.

I have also been thinking about the panic I had that second night.  Maybe I need a flannel blanket.  I suspect this is a problem that would gradually fade, even if I do not do anything about it.  As I get used to being there, and sleeping there, the anxiety should fade away.  But I am still going to have a Plan B.

My next trip will be in a few weeks.  I think it will be a lot of fun… I am going to go to the Aquarium again.  Maybe I will go a new place.  But the point of being the is the Hotel.  So I don’t expect to go many places.  Good food is close at hand…

Back Home, and into the Real World

Yesterday I got back from Newport again.  Things went pretty well, and I was able to relax most of the time.  I read 2+ books, and had some nice meals.  I met a nice couple from Albuquerque that I had breakfast with twice.  I also bought myself a present.

But there were also problems.  One was that I kept in too close contact with Lori, and it kept me thinking about things at home too much.  Even though they were mostly good things, so it did take time to relax again.

The main problem I had was the late evenings.  Both nights, I had way too much anxiety.  The second night, I almost had a panic attack – I was able to deal with it, but just barely.  It was very bad.  I wanted to come home.  So I will need to figure out that issue.

I did not sleep very much, but I did not feel very tired, so I think it was okay.

And I have a plan.  I think I should stay up in the reading room until later into the night.  I was going back down to my room to read, too early.  Once I was back in my room, the anxiety started to build.  Maybe I was not ready to go back to my room – the reading room on the top floor is a very special place.

I came home feeling more relaxed than when I left – that was not the case after the first trip.  So things are improving, and I expect that to continue.  I was very relaxed while I was there, (except as noted).

There will be more about my trip in further Blogs… including some things I wrote while I was there.

My Next Trip on My Own

Tomorrow I am supposed to go off on my second trip by myself.  But I am fighting depression today, and everything is in doubt.

It would be an especially good time to go, because Lori would like to rattle around the house by herself for a couple of days.  And I sure could use the relaxation.  So far this morning I have had to deal with some issues over the phone… neither is yet resolved.  So more effort will have to go there as well.

These may seem little things.  But they can turn my life from one way to another.  I need to get away from the constant anxiety of home.  I love it here – this is my sanctuary.  But even the best place can get to be too stressful.  I am sure we all know how that feels.

I am not sure how this will go.  I do not have much of a plan for today.  There are things that need to be done, and I will have to find ways to do them.

I hate days like this…

Tell What, Don’t Ask

I got a very good grade in Cryptic 210.

If you want to give a piece of advice to friends of people with anxiety disorders – They should try saying what they are going to do, instead of asking what you want.

Asking creates anxiety – for me, I have to consider all the ramifications.

For Example:  One could say – I am going to start a fire, and move outside in about an hour… if you would like to join me…

Versus:  Do you want to go outside with me in about an hour?

The second one requires a tremendous about of thought for someone like me.  If I am not ready for this, it could cause me to crash.  If I have such a great responsibility, it will become undecidable.  There is not way to know enough to make the right choice.  But I am the one who has to decide the outcome…

In the first example… I can relax, and think about it for a while.  The more relaxed I can be, the greater the likely hood I will go along with the flow.

And I think there are a lot of people like me… Atychiphobia.  The fear of failure.  It means everything must be figured out, to the last detail.  Which of course, is impossible.  Crash.  Even if you deal with it, it drains.  You have to fight the fears, and push on.  There will be less energy for other things.

Every time you have to go thru this cycle, a little bit of energy is lost.  Hell… sometimes a LOT of energy is lost.  There is no predicting.  But… sooner or later, there will not be enough energy left to make it thru the next “situation”.  Some days we do better than other (of course), but there can be big swings.  Good days, and bad.

So PLEASE do not add to the burden by phrasing things in terms of a question.  We are not playing Jeopardy.  Except our own.

A Very Small Thing – and Cheese

… I never learned was to to hide my reality.  Oh… I got very good at hiding it from people who did not want to see it.  And I am very good at hiding myself.  But I tend to let people right into my brain without enough vetting.

This Blog would be a good example of that.  I am not good at keeping things in.  That just does not work for me.  Maybe there is just too much of it for me to handle alone.  Or maybe I need to run things by people to see how it all sounds…  Whatever the reason is, I have to write, and I want people to read it.

My blogs tend to be short, and hopefully to the point.

And then Cheese will always help too.  It’s a good thing.  I do use food to help calming myself sometimes, and there is usually cheese. 

I do believe that our bodies to not metabolize dairy fat the way they do other finds of fat, and so it is not as “bad” for you.  Just ask the French.

Reports of My Demise have been Greatly Made Up

I am still here… still struggling.  But I am still moving forward.  Things are slowly getting better for me at home.  I am getting more done.  There are times when I have to deal with setbacks… but isn’t that just part of life?

I have been sitting at my workbench, watching Futurama… and Once Upon a Time.  I stream them from my own Video Server.  I can get a lot done once I get into the right state of mind.  Add some espresso, and good food, and I am all set!

There are still some major problems to deal with – one thing at a time.  But I really do feel as if I am on the right track.  At least most of the time I think so.

My Seat-mate in Driver’s Ed.

When I was a sophomore in High School, I took Driver’s Ed.  almost everyone did.  We had those classroom tables that had 2 chairs.  So Mark and I sat together.  It was the beginning of 2nd semester.  And one weekend, early on in the semester, Mark, and 2 students from a neighboring high school were killed in an auto accident.  They hit black-ice while speeding.  They had not been drinking.

He was my friend. 

And suddenly I was back in Drivers Ed. on Monday morning… and there I am sitting by myself at our table.  It made me feel horrible – like I was completely alone in the world.  Then… the teacher announced that to “honor” Mark, his seat would stay empty the rest of the year.  And there I sat.

I know what it means to lose someone close to us, way too young.  The big problem is that all together too many of us have that experience.  And we never learn how to deal with it.  We get better.  But it will happen again, and if you have a good soul, it will hurt you just as much.  That is what it means to be human.

And… there is NO “too young”.

For me, this was made much worse.  For the rest of the year, I sat by myself… front, center table.  No-one wanted to talk to me.  Mark was MY friend.  What do you mean YOU will honor him?  You barely knew his name…  thanks Mr. S.

In the World of the Mentally Ill

And that is not “mentally the third”.

When your brain does not work the same way, you are often left defenseless in the real world.  I can not predict how people will react to me, because my mind can not work that way.  I do not know how to interpret them.

I have been described as “overly empathetic” by my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  I do not have filters, so everything hits me at my heart.  My mind tells me that everyone will be the same.  Maybe I lack some basic defense mechanism, but I am constantly, emotionally buffeted by people around me.

I can not usually relate… so I try to be alone.

Thoughts over-run my mind, until I can not think clearly about anything.  So I try to be alone.  I try to minimize the amount of input I am dealing with… I have to deal with it all.  I can not let something slip out of my thoughts, until it is resolved.  And how often can we really resolve things fully?

I spend at least 4 hours of almost every day, just trying to push down my anxieties, fears, thoughts, and emotions.  It gets tiring.  And there is nothing to show from it.  It is empty wasted time…

Some people respond by saying nothing – afraid to say the wrong thing.  Some people go ahead as if everything is normal, and run right over me.  It is so easy to do without even trying (not that they would).  Most of the time, I just go on… or try to.  Some times it is all too much, and I crash into depression.