Category Archives: Me & My Issues

Sometimes Meds Help… For Some People

I use medications to help me feel better.  I have been lucky in that I have generally had good results… but not always.  I had real problems with one med I tried a couple of years ago.  Now my meds help a lot – more than I can even know.

Not everyone has been so fortunate.  Some have bad experiences with their meds… some to the point of going off them entirely.  And it may be nothing would help… everyone has different chemistry.

But with meds, or without… life is still a struggle.  Our normal brain chemistry changes throughout the day… meds don’t.  So they do not help as much with the ups and downs of everyday life.  There are times when I am not even sure the meds work.  The ups and downs are not self-correcting, I am on my own.

However we work our way thru the days, there are still those ups and downs to deal with.  We have to be constantly aware of our own moods, and how our environment can cause change so quickly.  One minute we feel fine, the next we are sliding into a deep depression.  It just happens.

I understand. I share the pain.

There are the Good Days, and the Not So Good Days

There are plenty of Days.  There never seems to be a shortage.  There is often a shortage of my will to keep pushing forward.   Some days I just can’t keep going.  And if I am honest… most days there are down periods.   So I work on to make things a little easier.

I accept my agoraphobia… my social-phobias.  I can live with them.  There are things I can not do – today.  I am not broken… I am just different.  Whatever the reason, this is what I have.

Over the last few years I have written about much of my experience here.  There have been long quiet times when I could not figure out what to do at all… and times I have made more progress.  But I keep trying.

You won’t read about a lot of parties, or trips to Europe here.  Just about one small boring life, trying to get by.  And I do just fine… thank you.  So I hope to hear the faint rustles of people finding something worthwhile here.  🙂

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Where Do I Go From Here?

I like candle light… and stained glass lamps.  I keep the light down low.  Those efforts make my office more comforting.  There are 5 cat beds, including 2 on my desk.  I can watch TV. Disks, or streaming… even from our own server with hundreds of choices.  I have dozens of CDs of music I can listen to… and audio books.

I email back and forth with Lori, keep track of the News, and continue my study of the Weather.  I am trying to start writing again… Blogs, Journals and all.  There are plenty of things for me to do.

My anxiety still makes many things more difficult than they should be.  Depression takes a toll.  It’s so easy to just give up, and do nothing.  It happens way too often.  I go thru dozens of mini-struggles everyday… with even the smallest of issues.  And there are days when I am overrun, and fall back into hiding. 

My little world has expanded some — with trips to Newport.  I go there to read.  The hotel has no Internet… no wi-fi-… no TVs, no phones.  No computers… not even at the front desk!  I read.  My next trip I will be in the F. Scott Fitzgerald room.  It has a nice chair by a window, overlooking the beach.  I read.  Last trip I was in the Oscar Wilde room.

I eat at the Irish Pub, and bring home a case of wine.  It is my escape.

Right now it is the most relaxing thing I do.  It is a Beginning.

All this, and it is still just a beginning.

Still Crazy… After All These Months

I do have “a” mental illness…. I am a BDDA – Brain Dysfunction Disordered American.

And I think coming up with that acronym is further evidence of my point. 

As I have aged, I have less energy, and inclination to fight it.  It is easier to go along with the flow of my brain, even though others are put off by it.  I am pretty difficult to deal with.  I think if you dig into it, you would find me worth the effort… but that is not enough.

I have found things that are of great help, and those I will keep doing.  I have done a lot to build my home environment  into what relaxes me most.  I have found a nice little place I can go to get away… and pretty much just read on and on… usually 16-18 hours a day.  Things here are getting better across the board.

I have given up on friendships outside my Home.  I go back to social media, but it will never feel it is as much my place as I had thought it was.  It just takes too much effort to hold things together, and then my mind falls apart just a little, and I have a falling out with the world.  So I am building here at home.

But I am proud to say I am still here… and my home life has never been better than it is right now (though the words after “better” are a bit superfluous).  So I am trying to enjoy this, and build on it.  My mind was never designed to get along with people… at least “normal” people.  I call it CBD – Chaos of the Brain Disorder.  Not going away anytime soon. NOT contagious.

So I keep going, and trying to maintain control.  I try to stay more to myself – yes… even more. 

I do have to thank 2 on-line friends who did reach out, and chat with me.

title from Paul Simon sort of…

Levels of Success

A frequent issue I had when growing up, was that I could not ever live up the expectations of my older sibling.  If I set my own goals… and achieved them… it would not matter because I was not the one who set the goals.  My sibling did.  I could never be good enough.

40 years have taken away almost all my soul.  I try to take small steps forward… but I am still faced with the attitude that I am not capable of setting my own goals.  I must achieve the goal they set down, before I can be successful.  They will “not let me off the hook”, or will say other things, that ALL lead to the same basic concept… all I have to do is do more, or try harder.  I have to try harder, so I can meet their goals for me.

I have not even yet achieved my own goals… insisting I meet greater goals is purely… Try Harder… Do More…  And it also implies that I will not be accepted if I do not meet their goals, because I would not have tried hard enough.  Or, I may be “accepted”, but everyone also accepts that I just didn’t try hard enough.

My goals are never enough…

Finding Ways to the Center

I am feeling better today.  I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more.  There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.

HMS_Hood_(51)_-_March_17,_1924Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad.  And I am doing better this morning too.  Things will be fine.

There are times when I just can not keep up the fight.  The last few days have been one of those times.  It happens.  Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard.  Or… it means I have completely collapsed.  This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.

Does that make sense?

There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes.  My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru.  BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times.  I can recover and be just fine.  There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off.  It does help.

It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good.  It’s all part of the process.  Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going.  I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!

Oh the picture?  That is the HMS Hood.  It has nothing to do with the post.

After the Long Struggle…

The last couple of months have been very stressful.  Not just for me, but Lori is starting a new job this week.  And there have been all sorts of other issues to deal with as well.  So things have been really stressful for both of us.

relaxing-pictures-hammockNow comes that period, as things are settling down, that my brain starts to switch out of protective mood – a lot of energy has been going to fighting anxiety, and depression for too long.  Now that I can relax some, my brain takes the week off, and leaves me with virtually no protections.  My brain is on vacation.  I just don’t have the energy to fight it now.

My brain, and my mind, are not on the same page.  My physiological brain, wants to shut way down for a while to recover.  But my mind wants to take advantage of the improved conditions, and jump forward.  Unfortunately, my mind has to take into account the fact that I am really tired from so much stress over such a long period.  My brain wins.

OK… I know this is just my impression of what is going on, but it is easier for my to understand what is going on, if I think of my brain, and my mind, as being different things.  My brain is the more physical part – that’s where the chemistry is not quite right.  My mind is more the ethereal part.  That is the part that makes final decision, and tries to implement them.

My brain has gone on vacation… and I am having a lot of trouble handling anxiety and depression right now.

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

“I don’t want anything…”

I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

garden-party-table-close_horizIf there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

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Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada

A Pattern Develops…

What I am experiencing in my life now, is that same pressure that has pushed so many Depressives into solitude.  It does not matter that I would like to be social… I never can be.  So life is easier if I disappear.

I should have given up a decade ago.  There has never really been any chance of me having friends.  I can never fit in.  There was only a few years in my life when I did have friends… sadly, that was about when my brain started going really off.

When I try, something goes wrong… I end up just upsetting people.  And it pushes me a little farther away.  I get to where I do not want any interaction with people… that way they can’t let me down.  Except, it really is my fault.  I am the common thread.  I am the one who is different.  I am the one who doesn’t fit in.

I can not understand the way people react… or more commonly, don’t react.  My frustration at being isolated often overcomes me, and I go too far.  I have to stop trying.  I have to stay away from people as much as I can.

Maybe then I will find some peace and happiness.

Trying to Sleep thru the Fire

My main goal the last 4 days has been to sleep.  Today I just lie there watching the clock… and waiting for it to get dark out.  I have the same movie going over and over.

The roar of the bridges burning behind me is deafening, but also strangely comforting.  Now I will not waste time hoping for something that can not happen.  It will be easier to sleep, and fade away.

I know I say things I should not.  But I also know there are a very great many things people should be saying to me.  That is not going to happen.  People don’t know what to say.  Though I doubt any would try even it they did…

I try to reach out, but I can not keep my thoughts together.  I end up lashing out instead.  The world is such a lonely place.  I understand that I have no place here, and people would rather I just shut up, and disappear.  This becomes my only outlet.  It’s easy for them to ignore me when all I do is write here.

Maybe I sound a little angry?  I am.  Angry at… stupid fricking little chemicals in my brain.  It’s no-one’s fault.  But my misery.

Sorry… a bit of ranting there.

Cut Your Losses and Run for Cover

That is what I do.  When I start to see things going wrong, it’s time to give up, back down, and walk away.  It is better than getting beat up too often.

If you don’t want anything, then you can never be disappointed.  I try to not want anything.  It does not really work, so I end up hurt anyway.  But when I can no longer stand up for myself, discretion triumphs.  It also has the benefit of letting everyone else off the hook…  And let’s face it, things never work out anyway.

The View Can Be Nice From Here

The sun might be out at times.  And there are some nice plants growing on the walls.  The echo sounds good if you sing to yourself… or you can pretend it is someone else talking.  And lightening would not make it down the hole to the bottom.

Even in the Pit, there are good things to think about.

I spend a lot of my day doing just this… trying to find the good parts of the world.  And my ideas can be pretty much of a stretch, but it is often all I have.  Like right now.  The one about the plants really did make me feel better.

It’s all I can do to hold on.