Category Archives: Me & My Issues

Being a Second Class Person

Because I am “crazy”, people can justify filtering, or ignoring things I say.  People can apply their own double standards because things I say can’t be trusted – my emotions are all over the place, so my logic can be discounted.  This especially happens if my emotions runnith-over, because we all know “crazy” people can’t be logical or talk right.

In all fairness, I do sometimes mess up how I am trying to say something… usually by leaving of the first part of my thought.  But that is followed by comments of my not making “any” sense, and increasing the amount of what I say that can be ignored.  No explanation can rehabilitate my thought, because why?  Cuz I am Crazy.  Move on.

Just the other evening, Lori contended a double standard was appropriate.  She did not have to follow the same rules of logic I did… because I am “crazy”.  She can ignore things I say, OR reinterpret them as she sees fit.  All this because I am “crazy”.

People don’t answer pleas for help… how could they?  I am “crazy” so there is clearly nothing they can do to help.  Walk away.

When people THINK there is nothing they can do, they walk away.  They never find out what they could have done… how they could have made a positive difference.  But that’s ok…  I am “crazy”.

I have a recorded IQ of over 150… I’m no genius, but I am smart.  People who know me have told me I am smart. Yet… when I act the least bit “crazy”, or even some way they think might be a little bit “crazy”, they can dismiss, ignore, or rewrite any of it.  Ignore me.

I’m not sure they realize what they are doing… they may think “Poor Neil…” or one thing I have read written about me more than once, “That’s just Neil.”  Meaning `just ignore it’.  Just ignore Neil.  He will go away… he always does.  Then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.  It’s not really any else’s problem anyway.

How easily all this could have been avoided… 40 years ago.

What is this Blog for?

I started writing my Blog when I was feeling very lost, and I needed a way to communicate… especially to people who knew me. I was going thru therapy, and trying to put together all the little pieces I was learning about myself.

I was trying to move back into the mainstream, while hopefully saying some things that sounded familiar to some other people. I wanted to do something.

That all changed.

Somewhere back a couple of years… or so. As I slid farther into isolation, I would stop writing for periods. My Blogs and my journal writing became sporadic. I tried to keep going, but I found fewer and fewer things to write about… NOT fewer things to think about… I just didn’t see the point in writing about them.

I feel a little selfish saying I had hoped for my outreach to help me with building friendships too. I thought if only I could make people understand, they would be more likely to want to be friends. It did not work out that way. If anything, I think it has served to frighten them, and push them even farther into history.

Now they are all gone… if they were ever there to begin with.

I have come to realize that no-one in their “right mind” would ever want to be friends with me. I am “crazy”. I have said so myself in these Blogs. And it seems everyone took it to heart. And now I have finally given up on friends.

So what is this Blog for?

I have no idea. I have a few followers. So someone is reading. And I still may have useful things to say. But now it has become more of a burden than a blessing. It should not be like that.

I either need to find a new reason for writing. Or I should give it up and move on. I am not ready to decide. But I have to think about it… I have too many things to think about. It slips thru the cracks in my thoughts. I can not decide much of anything anymore.

I have moved completely off the grid. To all those people I knew, I have vanished. I no longer exist. Even to myself, I am a shadow of myself.

The Long Slow Road

I am in transition.

I have spent my whole life in almost total fear that I would end up alone. And I usually have been alone. And I do not mean “by myself” – I mean no-one in my life other than Lori.

It is okay… this is where I belong. Over the last year+, I have gradually been pulling away into my whole world. I was on and off Facebook, but never felt the comfort there that I had for years before. It just doesn’t seem to fit into my life just now.

Home is what matters, and that is where I should stay. There are things I can do, and even places I can go. They know me at Nana’s Pub! Do I need more?

This last week, I struggled with a lot of depression. I had too many of those days when I was trying to sleep way too much.

But I am much better now.

I have been meditating and letting my thoughts free-flow. I can relax, and I can adapt. I actually have been adapting to this result for most of my life… I just wasn’t willing to pay attention. Now I am. Now I see the only path ahead.

There can be happiness in my life. I will be 60 in a few months, so it is about time I accept my limitations, and that they mean I can not have close friendships in my life.

I am finally OK with that.

It Started in 1962

I have always been this crazy. I have just grown tired of fighting it. So… how would I start getting better? I could find new ways of fighting it. Or, find ways to live with it.

I am fine with working to live with it. But only one other person is willing to. I actually hope I am wrong about that, but it is what I believe, and what I feel.

There have been so many years. I was in the 2nd grade when I had my first panic attack. I remember it with disturbing clarity. Mom remembered it too. It had a permanent effect on me, and what I would be able to do, to this day.

From that day to this, I remember all the feelings. As I write this, and am trying to make some decisions, and visions of that day run thru my mind. This happens often… and there are other memories. Endlessly many.

It pushes me to stop. It makes every effort to do anything a fight with my mind.

Memories can truly haunt.

And that is where I am today.

OMG!

I just realized that was what my psychologist was so good at. She was able to get my mind to put aside those memories, and see more clearly. It helped.

Though… it May Not Seem Like It

It does not always feel, or even seem like things are getting better. I tell myself things are better… sometimes Lori says I am doing better. I never know.

Fridays are usually bad – I am faced with a weekend, and the possibility of getting more things done. It rarely works out, and I do know that. So I am fighting the desire to pack it in, and give up on any plans. That is by far the easiest solution.

Is it obvious that it’s not the right solution? Obvious or not, it is the path of least resistance. We are like water, and electricity… we follow the path of least resistance. Except that we are supposed to have free will. Whatever that is.

I will go to bed early, and try to sleep thru the night. There will be nightmares – like last night. The more stress, the more nightmares there are. They may just be dreams, but they take all will out of me.

We do get better… it just doesn’t always feel like it.

“We get better.”

 

Things have not gone well.

But – I still think and feel that things are getting better. And that things will continue to get better over the foreseeable future.

Of course there will be set-backs. And I will have many dark times. But things will get better. And my life will improve.

I know it. 

(in the non-scientific definition of “know”)

Taking Some Time Off

I have been taking some time away from Blogging (here), as I have been working thru some details of my thoughts. I am closing doors… Doors that were probably only in my imagination anyway.

Any kind of social life if not going to work. But my life here at home, and with Lori, is my social life.

There is a bar, where when I walk in, they start to draw me a Guinness even before I sit done! So I do have a social life. And there’re my kitties.

I did not stop Blogging altogether, I only stopped on my most public Blogs. I have another. It is for my darker thoughts, and my dark side. But there is time to write here as well.

My thoughts have been more private. I needed a smaller audience for a while.

I am settling in.

Christmas is Over…

I was looking forward to Christmas this year. I wish it was over.

I have no family or friends. There is no-one I want to see. There is no-one I know of who wants to see me. People can talk a good line, but no-one has tried to contact me in any way… not as a friend.

People who claim to be “family” have no right to do so. They have shunned me, and avoided me. Even when I have reached out to them in my times of desperation… they have not been there. Their silence screams volumes.

I am tired of my life.

Every time I have thought I had found a friend, they have turned their backs on me. Sound familiar H.N. or B.R.? The result is always the same… I am alone.

I understand that people don’t like to deal with me, or have me around, but that is never what they say.

Leave me alone.

Here’s Another Fine Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into…

My brain won’t let me live a normal life. I get that. And I have to go thru the depression. I get that too. But can’t there be more happy times to balance it out? I mean… that would really be a big help.

And ya know… I do not get a lot of solace from things being better than they were without meds. They don’t work for everyone, but they greatly shorten my depressive periods. Of course, this means I can be depressed more often! Nice…

But… no matter what I say or write, Depression is a part of my life, and I have to accept that, and learn to live around it.

 

P.S. “The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.”

Unstable to the Last

I have to be very careful about interacting socially. Recently I tried getting back on Facebook. It was okay, as I tried to hold a low profile. But it wasn’t enough, and I got sucked in.

I pretty much stayed to myself, and on my own page. I “liked” some posts, and posted on my own page. A couple days ago – or was it yesterday – I commented on a friend’s page. It was a simple little comment… but someone decided to call me a “fool”.

I felt it physically. All through my chest I felt a swirling that I know all too well. My mind started to freeze up… and the world seemed to go a little dark. I could feel the panic. I deleted my comment, and went off Facebook. Then I went to bed.

I tried going back on a couple hours later, but just couldn’t stay. If I cannot comment on friend’s pages, then what is the point? I cannot know how people will respond when I don’t even know them. So I have to stay away from friend’s pages.

Fear took control… and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am emotionally unstable, and it makes me want to hide away even more. I am going to stay home… for a while. Now it will take me some time to put the pieces back together. And I will try again sometime…

Anxiety rules my life. Fear takes control. I have to take a back seat when anxiety takes over. And of course, depression is not ever far behind. Hours… days of hiding away, only to be right back in the same place a few days or weeks later. What has happened will happen again.

Nothing ever seems to get better. Today I am not as optimistic as I normally can be.

I used to Keep a Journal

In 2013, I completed about 17 journals. I was doing a lot of writing. So far this year, I have written… maybe 1. I am not sure why I stopped. But it happened in just a couple of weeks.

I have not wanted to try to figure out what happened, but for some reason it just didn’t matter anymore. Since then, I have tried starting up again… it only lasts a few days. I have only written a few pages in the last 6 months.

Writing was therapeutic. It helped me organize my thoughts towards understanding where the hell I was. It stopped helping. I think it’s important to understand why.

Before the internet, I used to write letters. Long letters. People don’t write letters anymore. It’s a little sad. Writing is more personal, and more expressive. Here, I have plain, bold, italic… but every word I write carries its own expression. That’s also why I like fountain pens.

When I write, the word flows out of my pen. The loops vary… the width of the line varies. There is emotion in every movement of the pen. The same word will vary in appearance in different parts of the same writing – emotion changes and flows.

A keyboard can never do that.

The Days Get Shorter

I do not mean because of the seasons. There are times when I get tired earlier and earlier. I try to sleep most of the time. Usually when that happens, I don’t really care. I have lost the ability to care.

Sometimes reading helps. Sometimes I just need to let to work thru. I can get up whenever… But I will feel better if I can just let myself deal with the depression… Even nightmarish sleep is better than being up, and having to deal with the world.

There is no knowing how long it will take to feel better. A day, or several days? Mine used to last weeks. Things are better, and I can usually work thru it in one overnight. I’m lucky… most of the time.

Recently they have snuck up on me more… I don’t like that much. I think things are going along well, and suddenly… BAM! I suppose that is not all that new. Maybe it just seems that way because other things are going along better. But if things are going better, then why is things still happening?

Because that is the nature of the beast.

Probably a Grandmother By Now…

cannon_beach_family_bonfireThis morning I picked up a photo from my office floor.  How did it get there? It’s a picture of a girlfriend from high school.  And it occurred to me that she is probably a grandmother by now.

Suddenly I was very sad.

We have no children.  I had always thought I would. But life had its own plans for me.  Things don’t always work out the way you plan.  There is nothing I can do about it now.  There is not enough room in the rest of my life to accomplish much of it.  And there are times when I feel my life continues to spin farther out of control.  There is nothing I can do.

I am not sure how I got here… what forces diverted me.  Don’t get me wrong, I like much of my life.  I just have so little control.  Anxiety… depression… my brain keeps me immobile.  But I have long since given up dreams.

Life without dreams is not where I thought I would be.  It limits, and minimizes.  It leaves me stationary… stopped.  In some ways I have been stopped since 1985 when I left the U. of Washington.  Everything stopped after that.  I don’t know what happened.

My life moved along, and so did I.  But I never dreamed much anymore… I never saw everything as possible.  There have been changes, but my hopes and dreams have been left far behind.

Now my dreams are small – a shelf here, a small trip… anything.  And I can not even make those come true.  I can not push myself anymore.  Not like I used to… back when I pushed myself to have what appeared as a relatively normal life.  I could look almost normal.  I can’t do that much anymore.  I don’t have much inclination to even try.

Today, I mostly try to get thru the day.  I try to enjoy my time… though I am not doing anything.  And that has become good enough.

Shit.

I Failed Thanksgiving

I suppose I really did not really fail.  But I can’t help feeling like I did.  I was unable to attend.  In my own home.  Actually I was there for a while.  But when my anxiety shot up, it was all over.

The sad part is that I am the Turkey Roaster.  I do it every year.  And it really is good.  But we had an unusually large turkey, and when I figured how long it would take in the over, it was too long.  So I changed my cooking plan . The right temperature, at the right time.

Anyway… so I missed out of my own Thanksgiving dinner.

It got worse after everyone left.  I am not sure why, but I think some of my barriers dropped down even more.  I started feeling more.  And it wasn’t fun.

My ability to keep going, and deal with the anxiety ran out.  Sound familiar?

Thanks to help from Lori, I have got much better at not thinking it is a failure.  I did the best I could.  It still doesn’t work totally, but my recovery a lot better than it used to be.  Work on one thing at a time.  And think small.  Anxiety often starts with the smallest thing… so start with how you react to that one thing.

That is an approach my last psychologist and I worked up for me.  One little thing at a time… and the smaller the better actually.  As I gain confidence, I have come to learn that this “failure” was just part of how I have to interact with the world.  So it does not feel as bad.

I still have limits… kinda low ones too.  But I try.

I cannot push myself like I used to.  It’s ok.  Perhaps I simply don’t want to.  Either way, my life has become easier emotionally.  I have come to accept where I am.  At least for now.  None of this means I plan to, or expect to stay here.  But before I can go somewhere, I have to know where I am.  And it helps if I can be at least satisfied with where I am.

Notice: I did not say ‘my limitations’. So I am learning what to expect of myself.

Chasing People Away, a Professional’s View

I have been chasing away friends for a long time.  I really hit my stride in college, when most of my life started falling apart.  But I have fine-tuned it over the years, to make it almost an art.  I have 1 friend left. Hope he doesn’t read this…

People don’t know what we need.

When the mind starts to take a backseat, and… GKW takes over, people don’t know how to react.  Some will try, but they are almost always doomed to failure.  Eventually it works out best for everyone if there is a parting of the ways.

We end up alone.

The worst part is that it ends up being better (easier?) for us to be alone.  People become more of a drain than a help.  It’s not their fault.  They just do not know how to relate.  We are going thru something outside of their experience.

It’s hard to let them know it is not their fault.  We can end up feeling like we have let them down, and hurt them.  But we loose.

If you are stuck at home, I understand.  It is so much easier to just stay here.  And why shouldn’t I?  I pay my taxes, and am a good citizen.  I just happen to have a problem with how my brain works.