Category Archives: Me & My Issues

Motivation is a Big Issue

I struggle to be motivated enough to much of anything most days.  And why should I do anything, when it usually goes wrong?  Or I end up hurting someone, or letting someone down?  So why is lack of motivation a problem?

At least those are some of the questions that run thru my mind.  There are many more…  But motivation is a huge issue for me.  Anxiety, depression, fears, and more all drain away what motivation I might start with.  At night, I do very well at planning what to do the next day.  That does not mean it will happen.  It usually doesn’t.

Once I get going, I can accomplish a lot.  I have a complete wood, and metal shop in the garage.  I can make most anything.  And I am fairly good at it too – I was a journeyman machinist for 4 years!  And I like making things.

But I have to get started.  And therein lies the catch.  I have spent the lion’s share of my life believing I can not succeed – no matter how well I plan, I will fail.  That is not a productive attitude.  I can intellectualize that is not true.  I do usually succeed.  But emotions and fears can swamp any logic I use.

So what do I do?  Usually I sort of wait to have the motivation just hit me.  The key there is to not ignore it, or give the negative feelings time to build up.  It works pretty well when things are all set to go.  The only real stopper here is when there are things I have to move, or clean up, or such before I can even start – that gives the negative feeling too much time to grow before I can actually start my project.

There is usually a very narrow window to getting started, and I have to be ready for it.  I am trying to learn how to recognize this situation, and how to look for, and be ready for acting when the mood does hit.

There are so many things to learn.  I feel as if starting about 8 years ago, I have been finally learning how to live with who I am.  It has gone very well at times, and not so well at others.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Motivation is a tough one because there are so very many thing that affect it.  I don’t often see things coming.

I have to just be ready for the feeling to hit at any time.  At least I don’t usually miss it.

My Joints

I hurt my right elbow while in the shop today.  I was just reaching for something, and POP.  It was the last major joint I had that was fine… till a few hours ago.  This is very disheartening. 

I took a nap because I was feeling so down, and my elbow – and back and toes – got worse.  Again… I have been tested for arthritis markers, and was fine, but I have so many joint issues… both shoulders, both knees, toes, fingers, back, and now both elbows.

Not much else to say about it.  It sucks!

Shopping Error Makes Me Feel Terrible

I ordered something from one of my favorite on-line places, and it arrived today.  It will not work for what I was planning.  And now I feel terrible… as if I am a huge failure for making this mistake.  I know I should not feel this way, but I can’t help it.  I feel empty.

I will be able to use them for something… and they are not worth the time and effort to send back.  So I will set them aside, and figure it out later.

But I am still feeling terrible about it.  It has dragged me down into a pit.  It’s been a bad day anyway – I am having a lot of back pain, and my toes are hurting whenever I try to walk.  Those things are probably affecting how I am feeling… but this has happened many times before, and I always feel so bad.

This is one reason it’s so hard to make decisions sometimes.  I know how I will feel if I make a mistake.  There has never been room in my life to make mistakes.  Even small things like this – a $12 item – make me crash into myself.

I will feel better later.  But it will take a while… I will be alright in a couple of hours.  Even so, this kind of thing should not be happening at all.  Atychiphobia – the fear of failure.  It drives me sometimes to take months to decide little things.  And when I don’t take a long time to research, and think thru all the options, I am taken down by mistakes.

Sometimes it drives Lori crazy that I just won’t decide!  I have to be way too careful.  I think I am better… but right now I just don’t know.  Being in the pit makes everything seem so much more hopeless.  How can I ever get better?

Can I get better?

Thanksgiving… and Such

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was fun, but a bit subdued.  One person was elsewhere, and one important person was ill.  But everyone will be fine.  The food and company were great.

Needless to say, after everyone was gone, I crashed out.  I felt drained, and was in despair.  I felt horrible as the last bit energy drained away – it has been a stressful week.

I have been stretched thin by events, as have others.  And now I wish to relax, and try to rebuild some enthusiasm.

I have not written for a while because family events have taken my attention, and thoughts.  But all is well, or moving in that direction.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving…

Thanksgiving and Other Holidays

This time of years brings many extra stresses for me, and a lot of people like me.  It should be more fun than it is.  But there are a whole slew of added anxieties over the next month and a half for those of us with anxiety, and depressive disorders.

Today I am already feeling close to crashing out about the whole thing.  There are many things I have to get done, on top of the regular holiday stresses.  And I am not holding up very well even at this early point.

If it were up to me, things would be different – don’t ask me how.  I can not escape the anxiety, and there will be depressive periods as well.  There are things I still need to do to get ready… let alone to get myself ready!  I am not looking forward to much of it.

There are people worse off – many are alone, and trying to go thru all these issues on their own.  They can look out at the world, and feel completely isolated.  It can feel as if there is nothing in all this celebration for them.  I have often been there myself… and still am at times.

I do have some support thru this time, but it will still test my brain, and my endurance.  It will be fun, but that does not diminish the anxiety, or take away the depressive periods even for me.  There will be stress for everyone, so I will be a little more on my own than usual… I will make it thru.

Please be kind, and try to be understanding of people you know who may have extra struggles this time of year.  It’s not that we hate it, or want it to go away.  But there will be more times when we are just trying to get by.  Have patience, and remember we just want to have fun too.

A Convergence of Pains

Today I am having one of those days with a lot of pains.  I have been doing a lot of puttering around the last few days, and now I am paying for it.  Three toes on my right foot are swollen and painful – including one that has not hurt before.  The big toe of my left foot hurts also.

Then there is my left knee, and my back.  It usually does not all hurt at the same time, but every now and then, it all comes together.  Like today.  I don’t know what causes it, but it seems to happen every few weeks.

I have been tested for arthritis markers, and I have none.  But I have plenty of joint issues.  There are problems in both shoulders, and my left elbow… my left thumb, and two fingers on my left hand also have pains.  At least I am right handed!  And I can still type!!

I try to keep perspective about it… there is not a lot I can do to make the pain go away, so I have to live with it.  I will try to get things done.  It’s just what it is… nothing more.

Things don’t get better by wishing.  So I will wait it out, and change my plans for the next couple of days.  It will be okay.

Why Have I Got Worse?

Some aspects of my life have got worse over the last 10 years.  But it’s sort of a trade – other things are a lot better.  I’m not sure it’s a fair trade, but it is working for me.

There are things I used to be able to do, that are totally out of reach to me now – like teaching.  I gave teaching my all, and there is nothing left for that kind of activity.   I can not deal with being around groups of people, let alone in front of them talking.

I used to be able to go out more – shopping and such.  Now it’s all very complicated, and requires planning.  Even then, there are limits to what I can do, and where I can go.

But I gained something too – I am now much more comfortable, and “happy” at home.  I am happy with where I am in my life.  My personal live exists now… not so much before therapy and meds.  I am more than comfortable, and enjoy my home, and can socialize from here.

The whole time I was teaching, I did not have a social life… it’s much better now!  I have on-line friends, and get out enough to feel satisfied.  The trips we go on are more fun, and fulfilling.  What I can do, is pleasant, and helps me deal with other issues.

Basically I made a really good trade.  Things are more relaxed, and I have much more peace of mind.  I like it.  I wish I could have found this earlier in my life, but I am not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth!

My Evening Low

Almost every day, I have a late afternoon low… sometimes I crash out completely.  But usually I can get thru it.  It comes at that time when I realize I have not got as much done as I should have, and that time is running short on getting more done.

It does not mean I will jump up and get at things.  Usually it means I will have to work very hard to just remain up, and be active at all.  The best thing to do is to try to ride it out.

Most days I feel like I have failed… like I did not do well enough.  It’s a struggle to keep going, and I have been struggling all day with each little thing I have done.  I have overthought each item, and stalled because of it.  I stop and restart… and stop again.

It just ends up leaving me feeling worse as the evening goes on.  Including this evening.  I am having a difficult time right now.  I don’t know if I should go to bed, or cry, or what.  Maybe I will just “what”.

It’s hard to describe… thoughts swirl thru my brain faster than I can keep track of.  I can’t keep up, and anything positive I think of, is lost.  Though the negative aspects hang on.  They are always there.

Swirling thoughts, and surging emotions swamp out all reason, and it takes hours to recover… if I do.

Thinking About Where I Am

So here I am, half way thru the weekend.  I have slept about “normally” – at least for me.  I have been awakened by nightmares several times each night… average.  I have had too much anxiety… about average.  And I am wondering what it means to be “happy”.  I wonder about that a lot.

Most of the time I am just waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed.  Of course that will lead to nightmares… I don’t know which is worse.  Actually, I do.  The being up and awake is worse.  Because it is real.

There are things I do… mostly things that have to get done.  Other that those, most of my time is just trying to hold things together.  I am often on the verge of tears.  I can’t be happy, and do fun things.  I just need to get thru the day.

Motivation is a huge problem – I don’t have any personal motivation.  I can shop… clean (some)… and do the basic things to take care of myself.  But I have to be alone.  Not just by myself, but alone.  I can not have close friends.  The closest I get are my Facebook friends.  I can not socialize with others.

It’s okay… at least I am able to stick around. 

So being asleep is the best thing – even with the nightmares.  Being awake and alone is my next best state.  Going out to run errands is tolerable about half the time – sometimes Lori has to do the shopping because I can not go out.  Going out with friends, or having friends over are just out of the question.

“Alone” means more than being by myself.  I can not even do things for myself.  I can not hobby (which is not a verb, but used as one here), or work on my things.  These are the normal days.

There are good days too.  I have even gone out of photo shoots by myself!  I have worked on projects, and hobbies.  But those are the exceptional days.  Depression is not as common as it used to be.  Things are even worse when I am depressed.  It will get better… we do always end up getting better. 

Was the Trip a Failure?

I did not go to the grocery store.

I know I am not very good at going out by myself… but I thought I could go 2 places.  I had a great amount of anxiety on the way to IKEA.  There were many times when my brain wanted to turn around and come back home.  I did make it there, but that was just the beginning.

I had a break down moment (or 5)… the anxiety gets so great, my brain tries to shut down.  Basically my brain tries to make me sleep.  I become extremely drowsy, and my eyes get hard to keep open – not a good scenario when I am driving.  But I can shake it out fairly easily.

This usually happens at home… or when I am at some place.  At IKEA I had the same experience, but it’s easier to deal with when I am walking around.  I was able to get everything I wanted there, but at times I was not so sure.

Coming home I just could not stop at the store… I could not do it.  I failed to finish my errands.  So I am feeling very down about that.  I am still feeling pressure to go to bed.  I am fighting with my own brain.  That’s just not right!

It has been harder to go out the last few months.  I am still trying to figure things out.  But there are things I have to do.  There are things I have to go out for… I need to do better!

Election Night Anxiety

(Nov. 6, 2012)  Yup… my anxiety is up as the results start to come in.  This happens every 4 year to my brain.  I had a session scheduled for tomorrow morning, and just like 4 years ago, I had to move it.  I should have realized when I made it, that I will be up too late.

Today, I am feeling more relaxed.  I know the right-wing hysteria will continue, and I will have to keep trying to avoid it.  I just can not handle their views.  There is no logic to them, and they have a hard time with the truth.  But that is a topic for my other Blog.

There was a time in my life when I was happy to argue about politics… that time is long gone.  Now it raises my anxiety so much, so fast, I crash out.  I have even unfriended a few people on Facebook because of it.  I don’t want to argue.

I have learned to fight where I need to, and back off when I can.  But  I can not handle argument much anymore.  I worry about the future of the world as well as our country, and it matters to me how we move forward.  It matters a lot.

The greater the importance of the issue, the greater the potential anxiety in dealing with people who don’t get it.  I can not, and will not deal with those people.  Some people will not learn… I can not stop that.

So now that the election is over, I can relax a bit.  I do not need to worry so much about getting into an argument about politics.  There will be less to avoid.  I am happier today.

Nightmares

I frequently have terrible nightmares, that leave my shaken, and shaking for hours.  It happened last night.  Usually my nightmares are about my life… often for some reason I have had to go back to high school, and graduate again.  I of course struggle, and am sometimes trying to teach as well.

My most common nightmare is about teaching – especially about having to teach classes I know nothing about.  And/or being totally unprepared for the classes I know.  These dreams go back to when I was teaching – especially bad during the weeks before school opened in September.  I have had problems with all kinds of nightmares for over 30 years.

Last night’s was very unusual – it was about observing an alien invasion of Earth.  I was in a position to affect who would be allowed to live.  Enough said.  I can get over the unusual nightmares more easily than the ones about teaching.  In those I am always a failure, with many people pointing it out to me.

They usually occur right before it’s time to get up, so I remember them especially well.  And I wake up during the nightmare, and fall back asleep resuming right where I left off.  Sometimes I dream I have woken up, and real life gets mixed into the nightmare.  There are times when I am not sure if I am awake, or still dreaming.

It’s not fun.  I am a med that for a while helped, but I guess my brain got accustomed to it, and it no longer helps.  So I just have to deal with it.  Fun…

I Became a Shadow…

It is hard to be treated as no-one.  I grew up being treated as someone who was getting it all wrong.  I was treated as if everything I believed in, did not matter.  How I was behaving was wrong, from the start, with no consideration.  I had to live by someone else’s rules.  But I was never able to live up to that standard… because that was not me.

And of course, it did not work well for me.  And it does not work any better today.  When people treat me differently… for whatever the reason… I feel that past creeping into my life.  It does not matter who I am, it only matters how I behave.  I can not live that way.  It almost destroyed my life.  I am not always as I appear to be… no-one is.

I work very hard at treating everyone the same as I have always.  I can not understand their situation if I predetermine how things will go.  I am not always successful… but I try.  I know I should not treat people by my simple interpretations of how they are behaving.  I wish I could do better at doing this.  It’s not fair to presume how people will behave because of outside circumstances.

I try.  I want to treat people according to who they are on the inside – always.  Not according to how they may be reacting to things I can’t know.  Everyone has issues going on in their brains, that I can not possibly know about… no matter how close we may be.

I lived as a shadow of what I could have been in my life.  I will not ever attain what I could have done.  I am what I am, and treating me otherwise will result in a disconnect.  I have been thru enough.

SO… I will NOT be treated differently than I am.  No-one has the perception to know where my brain is.  Listen.

 

NOTE:: There are some issues I have a hard time being patient with no matter what.  Politics can be one of them.  I do not have the strength to fight some battles.  I pick and choose.

 

Halloween and Me

Halloween… I used to really like it… when I was a kid.

Now Halloween just shoots my anxiety thru the roof.  It’s been like that for a long time, and does not get any better.  I use extra meds, but it does not help much.  I usually turn off the lights, and hide.

There is candy to hand out, but I will probably have to wait for Lori to get home before I can do anything.  And I feel very bad about it.  I am letting the kids down.

It’s probably not as bad as it seems to me, but that thought does not help me feel any better.