Category Archives: Me & My Issues

Life does not care…

Life does not care why we do things.  It only cares what we do.  Life will lead us along a path, and the decisions we make about what we do, will determine the choices we have farther along that path.  All we can do is try to make the best decisions we can along the way and hope they create the best choices of paths before us.

It’s different when we deal with other people.  That is all about showing respect.  If you do not respect the person you are talking with, then what they say is of little value.  You can dismiss it within your own mind.  It does not matter why you don’t respect them.  The very fact destroys any chance of meaningful understanding.

And if you do respect someone… then there is no issue with it.  You will respect them no matter what.  Respect is earned… and once earned, it does not go away.  If you lose someone’s respect, there is nothing you can do to regain it.  It is lost for you forever… at least as far as you are concerned.  Only the other people can make the decision to restore it.  And that usually never comes.

If you respect someone, then you have to try to look for reasons to not respect them in any given circumstances.  You would have to actually make an effort to not respect them.  If you have to make a big effort at it, then the respect was not there to begin with.

When I lose someone’s respect… I suffer.  There is not a lot I can do to recover it.  And because of who I am, it can have a cascading affect thru all aspects of my life.  I pull back from everyone.  I stop trusting as I have been not trusted.  I recamp within myself, and hide even more.

I over-react.  But that is part of my mental state.  Anxieties create over-reaction.  And everyone close to me knows that, and can handle it.  Or not if they chose.

I don’t know if I am “crazy”… but I know some people think I am.  And I know some people think I am sometimes.  Those are not true friends… they are not people I can try to be close to.

Note: To be clear, I can not expend energy trying to get close to people who think I am crazy.  It’s my issue.

Crazy Is as Crazy Does

Now I have a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist.  Nice…  I have to see a psychiatrist to get my meds worked out.  My OD did not want to try more than we had – I get that.  So off to a psychiatrist I go to get my prescriptions, because my psychologist that I have been seeing for 8 years, can not prescribe meds.  She is a forensic psychologist too.

A couple years back there was a move in Oregon to allow some psychologists to prescribe… but it didn’t go anywhere.  There were too many lobbies against it.

Anyway… My first session there will be in about 2 weeks.  Then I can start trying to get my meds all worked out again.

So I guess this increases my Craziness Rating a bit.  I would put myself at about 62.  But I am no judge of such things.  I will leave that to others.

I have not had much depression the last week or so.  I have been able to get thru it, and move on fairly easily.  It does not last so long anymore.

And I have been getting along “okay” with my anxiety recently.  I have to work very hard at it sometimes.  It grinds me down.  So it is nice to let go and be a bit “crazy” for a while.  But don’t I rite good for a crazy guy?

 

Do People Think I Am “Crazy”?

That is the $64 question!  I think people don’t like to use the word “crazy”… though I think people think it a lot.  My behavior could easily be described as crazy to some people – perhaps many people.  So what does that mean to me?

I want to say, I don’t care.  But there are times when I want to do things with people, and I worry about this.  These Blogs could make some people think I am more than a bit off.

And maybe I am.  I don’t really know.  But at least I am open about it.  So I guess it does not really matter.

So on to more important things!

Past Christmas…

We are all past Christmas… for some of us it’s a relief.  I had fun, and it was a nice Christmas day… but I am still glad it’s gone by.  There is too much stress around the day.

A couple of days ago I went back to session… for the first time in about 2 months.  We are working on changing the dynamics of session to make it work better for me.  Things change with time, and I need different kinds of support.  I am sure I will be writing more about that when I feel better.

For now… I am in a pretty low mood, and I am not up to writing much.  Maybe in the next few days.  I am in a depressive mood, and need time to recover.

The New Year will be upon us soon, and that will be fun.  There is a lot less stress about it.  We will have some good food, and stay home – that’s my favorite thing!

I hope it will lead to me also feeling better about writing blogs…  Until then, I will keep it short.

Not in the Christmas Spirit

I am not in the Christmas spirit… and I will not be.  Maybe the day after Christmas I will feel happy, and relaxed.  But for now I just have to get thru it.  I do not have family, or friends.  Lori has gone out 2 evenings this week for Christmas get-togethers with her friends.  Agoraphobes don’t have friends to get together with.

This whole season seems designed to make a big show of how alone I am.  Nice. 

It will be okay, and I will have some fun moments.  But it is so very draining.  I will spend most of today in bed… I already have.  That’s about the best I can do.

I know there are others like me, and I hope they can hang in there too.  It will pass soon enough, and we can get back to our normal lives… such as they are.

Bad Things Come in Twelves…

And the news just keeps getting better.  My anxiety is still high… my new meds are not doing enough.  So I contacted my Dr. about it, and she has decided I need to see a psychiatrist to get my meds works out.  so I have to find, and go to a new person to get my meds figured out.

I get it that a psychiatrist is better trained to be able to find a solution, but I hate the New Meds Rollercoaster.  There are so many ups and downs during the process…  So it may be a good thing, but it sure does not feel like it.  It’s hard enough to just go out… but going out by myself to see someone new takes time and preparation.

And there will be the new meds to get used to.  And then there is the inevitable dose issues, and whether it’s even the right medication.  I already went thru this for a few months earlier this year.  If you have been thru it, you know how bad it can be.  the idea that it will help in the long run is no conciliation.

I have been feeling depression taking hold ever since I got the news.  I really hate this.

A Really Bad Week… Last Week

Last week was a really bad week for me.  Early in the week I lost it, and over-reacted, and said some stupid things.  It left me drained and feeling very bad about myself.  But things just got worse…

Lori and I had a long planned trip to Seattle Friday.  I thought I could handle it, but was not feeling very positive about it.  But we went ahead and went.  That was probably the best thing… or so it seemed.

When we got there, I had to rest in the hotel while Lori went shopping.  I saved up my energy, and pulled myself together, and we went out to dinner.  But I crashed out again during dinner, and could not go to the Nutcracker…  To make this story shorter, I was not up to anything Saturday, and we came home.

I did nothing in Seattle… none of the things I had so long planned to do.  It was a disaster that left me feeling completely crushed.  I let us both down.

Today, Monday, I am feeling better, but not back to “normal” yet.  My anxiety took over, and the whole trip was a failure.  I don’t know what to think of it.  It makes me want to always just stay home – which is sort of what I want anyway, but I do try to have fun going places.  This will make it just a little harder.

I don’t have a solution… nor do I have a happy ending.  It is too soon to know what can be learned from this.  I just needed to write about it.  At least I don’t have to go anywhere overnight for another couple of months.

I Should Keep My Anger Inside

I have been going thru a mental breakdown these last 24 hours.  Events ran beyond my control, and I reacted out of confusion, and anger.  I made a public statement I now regret.  But it was all initiated outside of my control.

I spent much of today in bed… depressed.  But now I am empty, and people are angry at me.  Of course… no-one contacted me about this at all, so I did not immediately realize the impact.

It has left me drained, and feeling really bad about myself.  It also makes me realize there is no-one out there who would cross the street to piss on me if I were on fire.

I am sorry to sound angry, but I am.  It’s mostly a reaction to the initial event, and the realization that I am always more alone than I thought I was. 

My feelings are very confused right now… but I had to say something to someone.

It’s Been a While

I have not blogged in several days… I have been feeling very low, and writing has not been any kind of priority.  I have spent most of today in bed, and have not been able to clear my mind of negative thoughts.

I have had a lot of physical pain recently.  I can only manage about an hour and a half on my feet before my knee hurts too much.  Last night it hurt so much I had to go to bed early – it’s the only thing that helps.  But it’s very discouraging.  today I have stayed off my knee, but my back has been hurting.

We set up our Christmas tree, and decorated much of it last night… though I was not able to help much.  I should have done more today during the day… but I could not stay up.

Who knows about tomorrow… I can’t even think about it.  All I can think about are all the things that have gone wrong throughout my life.  I won’t go into that now…

Is it Really So Bad?

No… I have recently been writing a lot about the bad things I have to deal with.  But it is not all that bad most of the time.

There are many calm periods when I can relax, and recover, and feel good about things.  I get a lot done some days, and enjoy the accomplishment.

I have learned a lot over the last 8 years about how to balance things, and move thru them.  Most importantly, I have learned that I always get better.  Things get better.

I have posted that comment on Facebook many time for other people.  That’s because I know from my own experience that things really do get better.

Keeping the faith…

The Devil and Me

I was watching a show that featured the concept of how the devil can make us weak if we face him.  He would make us remember, relive, and suffer the anguish of the horrible things we have done, or been thru in our lives.  And the horrific failures we have experienced.

My response to that would be: Get in line.  That is what I experience every day.  I relive all my failures, and all the horrible memories every day.  Actually… not all of them every day.  There are to many.  But I do fill much of my time reliving all the terrible things I have done and been thru.

This is where my nightmares come from.  I dream veiled attempts so relive all those failures I had.  I can not stop from thinking about them.  That’s how my brain works.  I can not stop myself from thinking too much about anything.  Just ask Lori… I think everything to death.

I guess I am looking for some kind of truth.  At least that’s what I like to think it’s all about.  My brain goes faster than I can comprehend it all.  The thought can take me into a place where I have no control over what I think about!  And I descend into the Pit sometimes.

I become a passenger to my own brain.

What more could the devil do?

The Pit…

Almost everyone who reads this will try to understand it, and most will think they have done that.

But they do not.  And there is a very simple reason for that – they have not been there.  If you have not been in the Pit, then they can not fully understand.  That does not mean they can not help.  They just don’t get it.

Everyone who has been there knows what the Pit is.  There are other names for it… but they all mean the same thing.

It is a deep dark place, that holds no hope, no potential, no future, no chance of help, no-one to share, it is a place of total isolation.  There is a vacuum of emotion, and a lose of how one could feel.  It is nothingness personified.

I am talking about the depths of where the human mind can drop… not morally… not spiritually… not even intellectually… but it is just a Pit… with no way out, except time.  We wait for time to rescue us.

 

This Morning…

This morning I hate my life.  Why can’t I have a good night’s sleep… without nightmares, and constantly waking?  Why do I feel do alone?  Who is there for me at these times?

Why do I have to take care of things every day when I get up?  Why can’t someone take care of my needs in the morning?  Why do I have to deal with all these issues every day… all day long?  Every day is a struggle to keep some control over my thoughts, and my feeling.  I have to fight to stay up, I have to fight to sleep.  And there are no rewards at the end of the day.

There is no joy, and no feeling of accomplishment.  I have to move thru everyday knowing it will be just like all the others.  The “good” days are too few, and too far between.

I never know from one minute to the next if I will be able to stay up, or if I will be able to eat.  I just want some peace in my life… in my mind.

But it will not happen.  Everyday will be the same.  There is no escaping what I am… I am always close to falling apart… crashing into depression.  I can not escape my own thoughts.  And my own brain turns against me.  And all I can do is try to hold back the tide.