Category Archives: Me & My Issues

I Wear People Out…

All my life I have had a tendency to wear people out.  I lose friends because they can not continue to deal with, and even see all my issues, and problems.  I have made very very few friends over the last 30 years, because I have given up trying.

Photo: LMAO!!!

I do need to have a warning sign… “Be Cautious, and do not get too close”.  Because I unwillingly drive people away.

It shows in my Blogs… people get tired of reading the same things when there is nothing they can do.  No-one likes to feel bad, so they have to turn away to save themselves.  I get that.  I read some blogs that are hard for me too.

Just in this last few months, I have offended someone who used to read, and comment on my Blogs frequently.  It was a huge mistake.  I was trying to offer help, and alienated her completely.  I doubt she will read this…

I am so very sorry T.B.  I did not mean to disparage your great humanitarian efforts.  I am diminished because of what I said.

It is just the latest example.  But more may come.  My inability to go anywhere has let others down.  And they have every right to move away to save themselves.

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?

Thinner Skin… Thicker thoughts?

Not a great title, but it’s sort of how I feel.  I can feel a struggle within my mind at times.  My emotions are closer to the edge… and my anxiety goes up much more quickly when something is out of sorts.

I don’t have much patience with myself, or any one else.  My anxiety is not under as much control as I got used to.  And I don’t like it!  I can feel it, and I can feel that I have to suppress it.  It’s as if my anxiety wants to break out and take over.  At least it feels that way.

I still think it’s too soon to change my meds again, but it is dragging me down sometimes.  I am going to think about it, and pay close attention to how it is affecting my thoughts.  I may call my psychiatrist later this week.

Next Wednesday I see both my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  But I may not want to wait until then.

I tried calling my doctor’s office… my anxiety surged, and I could not go thru with it.  There is a recording from her assistant saying they will call me back.  That’s when I have to hang up.  I tried a second time.

I am not in control of my anxiety.  I will wait for my appointment next Wednesday.  This will be okay.  It will have to be.

A Small Update

I have not written… because I have not been able to figure out what to say.  My meds have changed, and things are going better.  But I know it is not enough.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more, but we are waiting for things to really settle down.  It takes time.

I am doing pretty well when I am home alone.  But it has let me down at other times.  It is much harder to go out… for any reason.  Even going for the mail has to be carefully planned.  And I have less patience with myself, and others.  I more easily have too much anxiety, and many – though short periods of depression.

It will take longer to figure out my meds.  But I still have things I need to do.  There are places I want to go.  I just have less energy for it than even a year ago.

I think I have fallen back more than that year.  I am doing better at home, but nowhere else.  Even at home I can not stay on task for very long.

Things will get better… in time.  I am just working thru it all, and I trust things will get better.

And Off to the Dentist Today

This is a really bad time to have to go in for a cleaning.  But these appointments can not easily be changed.  So I am pulling myself together as best I can, and will get thru it.  The next couple of days will be for recovery.

The dentist office is in the same building, just 2 doors down from my psychologist (she just moved there last year).  So the path there is a familiar one.  That will help.  The hygienist is a very pleasant, and cheery person.  And if I am up to it, I will stop for a treat for dinner – that probably will not happen.  But these are all things I try to push to the front of my thoughts.

I have to play little mental games to keep myself going – they are very tiring.  There will be more after I get back…

I am back, and I am still alive!!

It was much more traumatic than normal… but Julie, my hygienist was very helpful with my mood, and did a great job!  But it sure was nice to get home.  I had to make a stop on the way, so I got myself some Mac n Chees to help me feel better.

I am doing as well as I could expect right now.

Why Am I Trying So Hard?

A new thought has been moving thru my mind the last couple of weeks.  And I like it.  Maybe after 57 years of trying to make myself fit into this world… it is time to try making the world fit to me.

If it does not work for me… then why should it matter?  I have spent my life trying to live according to someone else’s ideal.  It is only now occurring to me that I should turn the tables and claim what I deserve.  Is that too much to ask?

I am not asking for the diminishment of anyone… I just want what I have never had in my life.  I am almost 58, and I have…  no life of my own.

The Eye of the Storm

I am feeling a little better today.  My stomach is not swirling much… my chest feels calmer, and my anxiety is only “bad” now.  Normally I would call this bad, but today I will take it!

I know this may be the eye of the storm.  Today I am completely off Cymbalta.  So there may be another round of withdrawal… I don’t know.  I may know more later today, so stay tuned.

Others have told me about it being hard to get off Cymbalta… so at least there are those out there who have been there.  It must be easier for some people than for me, and harder for others.  There is always some variation.

Mostly I am tired of feeling so low, and depressed.  But with a fruity topping of anxiety.  From what happened in my last reduction in Cymbalta, I might be feeling it within the day.

Oh well.  Life goes on, and I have to do this.  I just hope I do not fall down along the way.

Another Day Along…

I am feeling a little better physically today.  But my mood has gone into a nose-dive.  I am increasingly depressed, and my anxiety is causing me to have the jitters.

I have not eaten since Thursday.  I am not hungry.  My stomach is doing some wonderful flip-flops from time to time.  But less than yesterday.

The big problem is that this has all been because of a reduction in my Cymbalta.  Today was the last day I took any at all.  So I will be going thru this more.  I think Monday will be interesting.  At least I can get away some next weekend.

The prospect of 3 or 4 more days of this are very upsetting, but there is no way around it.  Wednesday I see my psychologist, then an hour later, I see my psychiatrist!  Isn’t it a wonderful world?

I should be feeling better by then, but all that will also be very draining.  I am not sure how this will all play out.

I Will Never Fit In

I am feeling extremely low now.  I have fallen into my own Pit, and have no way out.  it is related to the withdrawal I am going thru… at least I hope so for now.  and there will be more to come.  I have one more step to go to get completely off the Cymbalta.  So this will go on for several more days… at least.

The Lexapro is mostly for anxiety… Cymbalta is better for depression. 

My insides are swirling, and I feel physically drained.  My thoughts are mixed, and I can not concentrate for very long.

It has all brought me down into the Pit once more.  I don’t see any way out.  But it does not matter… I don’t care.

New Meds and Withdrawal

I saw my new psychiatrist last week, and she started me getting off Cymbalta and back on Lexapro.  She says the Lexapro will probably not do enough for me, but it will be better, and once I am stabilized, we can look at other meds.  Good times…

The first few days were uneventful… well… not really.  I had a lot of issues over the weekend with swirling feelings, and anxiety.  I crashed out early Sunday, and did not hold up very well overall.

The beginning of this week looked really good!  my anxiety was down, and I was feeling pretty good.  But things started changing again Tuesday evening.  I was lowering my Cymbalta dose, and Tuesday was the second time I had lowered it.  now I was feeling what I call SBS – Swimming Brain Syndrome.  When I moved around, my brain seems to be lagging behind my head.

It got worse yesterday, and I had to miss session with my psychologist.  there was no way I was going to try to drive.  Today I am a little better… but not much.

The bad thing today is that depression has set in.  (We are going to work on my depression meds later too).  now I am feeling really down, and like I want to just stay in bed.  And I still have SBS!  So I am not doing very well.  I go completely off Cymbalta Sunday, so I think things will take a while to settle down.

I had planned to go out to dinner tonight, but that is looking in doubt.  It’s hard enough to go out at all, but now I feel to upset, and depressed to even think about it.  I might feel better later, so I am waiting to see how I feel.

Anyway… I had not written for a while, so I thought I would fill you all in on where I am.  I will try to write more.

And It’s New Meds Again!

I was finally able to see a psychiatrist today.  Just to refresh your brains… my current doctor decided I needed to go to a specialist for further meds changes.  This was after she changed me from Lexapro to Cymbalta.

Now, I will transition back to Lexapro.  We know that works, though my psychiatrist thinks it will not work well enough for me.  But I want to get myself stabilized before trying anything else.  It would appear I am a tough case… nice.

I am also going to probably have to change my Bupropion.  But that will come later too.

These meds transitions are not very pleasant.  There can be all sorts of side affects, as well as making my emotions dance a bit too much.  Actually, it can mess up my brain in a lot of fun ways.  It can make life interesting.

Also the Lexapro will give me mild headaches for a couple  of weeks – to a month.  That is the only side affect I have had.

I just think it would have been really nice if my doctor had sent me to a psychiatrist last Summer when all this started.  But I guess it’s better now than never.  She just did not listen quite closely enough to me.  It was my decision to give the change a try.  However I got here, it will not be very fun for a while.

I will be continuing to see my regular psychologist as well.

Stay tuned!

I Lived Hiding – Why I Write So Much

By that first part of the title, I mean, my life was hidden by a curtain I had learned to live behind from an early age.  I messed up one time I remember, in the second grade, and it still haunts me.  My existence depended on being able to act normal.  I knew I was not normal, but I thought it was because I was weak.  So the curtain came down, and got thicker.

As a teacher, a lot of what I was could come thru.  It helped me relate to students, and to see when to push, and when to let off.  But there was still a curtain between the observable me, and the real me.

So much hiding is what has lead me now, to so much NOT hiding.  Now I blast my thoughts and feelings out over the Internet.  This is the real me.  I have little to hide about what goes on in my brain.  I don’t care what people know about me… to a point.  And there are people reading what I write, and learning about the inside me.  I am out there folks… this is me.  If you doubt it, go away.

Don’t get me wrong… there is still a curtain… but it grows thinner with age.  And mostly remains about protecting the privacy of others.  That part of the curtain will always be there.

NOTE: I say “curtain” and not “wall”, because curtains move and shift with the breeze.  And that’s what happens in real life.

Where to “Go” Now

I was scheduled to see a psychiatrist this morning to work on my meds.  I got to a point where my regular doctor felt I needed to see a specialist.  I have a psychologist, but she can not prescribe the meds I need.

But earlier this week, I got to the point where I knew I could not go.  I cancelled.  I had to.  I can not go out on my own.

Now I am locked in a struggle to figure out what to do next.  The problem is that the issue I have is not about going to a psychiatrist, it’s about continuing to see my regular doctor.  There have been issues.

If I decide to get a new doctor, then I have to wait for the psychiatrist until after I would see the new doctor… after I find one.  So I may be delayed…

So I am stuck.

My Little Life at Home

I can not go anywhere by myself.  No matter how long I think about it, or how I rationalize things… I can not go out on any errands by myself.

Coming to this realization has been no easy trek.  I have turned it around in my brain, and tried to make sense of it.  But it just is what it is… my anxiety has taken a greater control over my life than I would like.

I am planned a fun weekend, but I can not get to the store.

I have not been thinking very clearly the last few weeks, and I would like to get better.  I can’t.  This has even kept me from blogging (if that is a word).  I will try harder to keep up on my blog now…

I canceled my scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist to work out my meds, because I can not decide what to do about my doctors.  I will write more about that – at least I plan to.

So I can’t do what I need to do to fix my anxiety, because of my anxiety.