Category Archives: Me & My Issues

What Difference Does it Make?

I have been in the pits of depression for over a week… I can not find a way out.  Nothing ever really gets any better.  I am expected to be cheery, and helpful regardless of the turmoil in my brain.  There is no outlet.

I am tired of it.  Things are better than a few years ago, but there has been no real improvement over the last 3 years or so.  Why keep trying?  I am totally alone most of the time.  The only person around me does not understand, and will not listen when I try to explain where I am, and what I need.  But how could I expect anyone to?  It is so far out of the mainstream that no-one could comprehend what it’s like without having been there.

What is happening every day, every minute, in my brain requires so much energy to fight… I am just treading water.  And it will not go away.

I hold everything inside because there is no where for it to go.  My psychologist helps, but even if I saw her everyday, it would barely keep me going. 

I can not keep up the fight anymore.  I am too tired.

It’s the “O” in OCD!

Sometimes I see causes to stand up for… and I get a little obsessed with it.  I have to see it thru, and deal with all the little details of it.  I do not think I should give the consequences very much influence in deciding what to fight for.

I know I can get swallowed up in things for a short time.  Sometimes people see ulterior motives in my drive to push some cause… but I think it is the “O” in OCD driving much of what I do.  Or at least how hard I pursue it.

I am more Obsessive than Compulsive.  There are thoughts I have to think… they are called “rituals”.  On my way to get the mail, there is a little speech I have to say to myself… several times.  There are many of these.

The worst issue for me though is that once I have totally thought something out, if anyone raises an issue, or even asks a question, I have to rethink the whole thing.  As a scientist, I know how hard it is to truly know something.  But my OC thoughts drive me to rethink and rethink things well beyond the point of learning anything new.

It once took me 4 months to decide to change our phone plan – the cost was $7 a month.  But I had to be sure.  I am better now.  “Better” being a relative term.

Going over and over things sometimes pulls someone else into the picture – usually Lori – and they usually think what I am doing is crazy… or I must have some other goal in mind.

Nope… it is just one of my many mental disorders.  Anxiety pushes the buttons, and I keep thinking until well after things are over.  Hey… it’s what I do!  I get that people can find it overwhelming.  But I do it with almost everything!  Talk about overwhelming!!!  It can easily lead me into depression.

It is not my favorite thing.

Sometimes Nothing Matters

This is one of those times when nothing matters.  I am sitting here, alone, in the quiet… the curtains are closed, and there is no sound from outside.  All I hear is the sound of my computer fans, and a cat purring.

I do not feel as if I can handle even that much.  I do not care.  I have no hope of ever finding a purpose in life… of ever being able to enjoy life.  What does it feel like to be happy?  And I do not care.

I know things will improve… they always do.  But I do not care right now.  I would sleep to make the day go by more quickly, but that would require effort, and I probably would not be able to sleep anyway.  I have been doing too much of that.

There is no-one to talk with, or to do anything with.  I can not go out without a great amount of planning… I have errands to run.  But it does not matter.  I even slept thru my session this morning – no getting a little bit more sane today.

But you know what?  I do not care.

Another Blow…

I have been hit by another blow this morning… and it is another one surrounding Facebook.  I made a couple of friend requests to people I know from (group name deleted).  We had a lot of friends in common, so I thought they might accept.

It would appear I was incorrect about that.  Someone complained, and now I have been BLOCKED from sending any friend requests.

I thought Facebook was a place to make, and communicate with friends.  But some people are offended by my friend requests.  They could have just said “no”… or ignored the request.  But not so much…

So what is the point?  How do I reach out to anyone???

Trying the New Sleep Schedules

This last week, I tried to move onto a different sleep schedule, with varying amounts of success.  Most days I was able to stay up about 10-12 hours, and was then able to sleep.  The problem still comes in when I try to get up.  Sometimes I was able to get up… sometimes not.

It is still the outside world that is giving me problems.  I have been feeling like I need to be up at certain times… at least I feel some internal pressure to.  That means I end up sleeping too long.  I did that just this last night.  I should have got up about 2am, but did not.

it will take a while to get it all to work out.  2 years ago it took me almost a month to finally get into the pattern.  So I will keep trying.  It is just very draining at times. 

I have given myself some small rewards for getting up some days – that has helped too.  So I still have plans, and am still working on it.  Wish me luck!

Sleeping is Not Working

A couple of years ago, I spent several months living a short day.  I think I have non-24 hour Sleep-Wake Syndrome.  Sounds impressive right?  It’s not.  I wrote about this in my other Blog (Agoraphobe Blog) a couple years back – right about this same time.  You can search for it on that Blog if you wish.

What worked best for me was being up about 12-14 hours, and sleeping for about 7.  So my “day” was about 20 hours long.  It meant I was getting up at different times during the day… but it gave me an extra day or two each week.

It worked very well for me.  I was less depressed, had more energy, and got a lot more done.  It was great!

It sort of fell apart because it is so hard to coordinate with the real world.  I gradually shifted back to matching everyone else.  I have only half-heartedly tried it since.  The last year+ I have had too many other issues to work on it.

Now I am trying it again… for the last couple of months I have tried, but failed to sleep a similar schedule. 

The problem has been that I can not get up during the night when I should, and I just go back to sleep – the result is that I am sleeping almost 12 hours a day.  That does not work well.

When I wake up at 3am, I am not tired anymore… but I can not get myself to out of bed.  There is a mental block.  I get upset, and go back to sleep.

I am going to continue to work on it… but I am very discouraged.

He’s Making a List, and Checking it 834 Times….

Well… maybe not 834 times, but each of my lists contain things that have to be very carefully thought out – whether it’s a shopping list, or a to-do list.  I don’t even write something down unless I know what it means.  And to me, the includes knowing every step to completing that one thing.

It works.  I can work off the list, and not get too anxietied out by having to figure things out as I am working.  That is the worst thing that can happen, because it drain energy very quickly… I may not even be able to finish that one thing.

This all works for me.  The process is reasonable, lowers anxiety, and gets things done. 

The problem comes when suddenly I have to add something important to the list.  This does not work very well.  It means I have to think thru something new.  Often I do not have time to think it thru thoroughly.  But if I don’t have time for that, it can make the whole house of cards fall in.

And if the new item has too many things that have to be figured out, it can make everything fall apart even before it gets started.  Then nothing happens.

Okay… I get that this is not a permanent way to deal with lists of things to be done.  It works for now, but it will have to evolve over time.  This is not a very high priority for me to deal with right now.  I have to figure out where to put my energies, and since this works (mostly), I will stick with it for a while.

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???

Some People Do Not Like the ZERO Anxiety Me…

And I totally get this!!  People get used to a “me” that is subdued and does not stand up much.  Or people get used to some other me.  They want me to be a certain way.

But sometimes I want to feel free.  I want to have no anxiety.  I want to feel free of an anchor hanging on my brain all the time.  There are times when I can truly connect to my intellect.

At those times… I can invision and imagine mathematical concepts that lead me thru complex ideas to some kind of understanding.  There are times when I can see the way to a proof.  It may be a proof of a very small thing.  And it is rarely a vigorous proof.  But it feels good.

More commonly, I can see how simple analogies fold into rather complex problems.  Those analogies can lead to solutions.  They are almost certainly things other people have thought of.  But I feel some accomplishment by figuring them out for myself.  It makes me feel fabulous!!!

Those are good mental accomplishments.  And my thoughts usually go beyond the obvious.  I think of ways to relate to old topics in currently relevant realities.  Does it make my life better?  I do not know… but I KNOW it makes me feel better.

BUT… I can only do those things without anxiety.  I can only free my mind to wander, and explore, when I am free of anxiety.  It is an almost remarkable feeling… but I can not get there even with the lower anxiety I get from my meds.  I want to be free to explore my own thoughts.

For some people IQ matters… I have been asked for the last 30 years what my IQ is, and I have not said… well… 150-8.  OK?  But that is 30+ years old.  Does that make any difference?  And what is IQ anyway???

When I have NO anxiety, I feel the most wonderful freedom to let my mathematical brain go… I can think about very complex concepts in the comfort that nothing will intrude.  Because anxiety is all about intruding.

I can see objects in my mind… and rotate them… and I can imagine 4 dimensional objects.  I can not relate them in the same way… but I can see them.  I design furniture that I can make without a scrap of notes.

But… I am limited by anxiety.  Anxiety destroys my image, and reduces my abilities.  I am sure anyone who understands this kind of anxiety gets it.  If I want to be a real person, I have to find ways to be without anxiety.  Or I am dead.

So on the original question?  Some people prefer the subdued, unsure, and hiding me.  They do not like the me that is free of anxiety.

The Growth of Agoraphobia

It is easy to let agoraphobia grow deeper into our lives.  As I wrote about recently, medication makes it easier to stay home.  As things get more relaxed at home, there is less desire to go out.

Hopefully, less anxiety at home would give me more energy to go out.  But why would I want to do that?  The world outside my door does not have the things I need in my life.  I have reached out for friends, but there are just too many limitations on what I can do.  I’m a mess.

I am better off staying at home.

Social Media can help, but don’t ever confuse it with something that creates real friendships.  On-line friends are as ethereal as the Heavens.  They are not real.  And eventually, they will be gone.  That is the way of it.

Social Media is for sharing good… positive things with people who also want to share good positive things.  If you do not fit into the “happy” mood on-line, you will not be there long.  Trying too hard to fit in will just make things worse.

So my agoraphobia grows, and it will help life become easier… at least in some ways.  I still have to learn how I can go to the grocery store… but I can do a few errands close by home – in town.  I can go on some trips.  I can do all I need here at home.  Why try for more?

My efforts need to revolve around being better able to deal with getting the things done I need to get done, without going out any more than is absolutely necessary.  There are things I can do to make it easier.  First I need to find ways to do the shopping.

Great Session! Then, Kaboom!!

I went to session yesterday morning, and it was really great!  We came up with 2 things for me to plan, to work on over the next 3 weeks.  I went on to see my psychiatrist, and ran into my first problem – she was double booked, and I could not see her.

I went off home, and did not stop for the errands I had felt so good about doing, just an hour before.  I was wiped out, and my anxiety was high.  I felt depression coming on, but I knew it would pass, and I would be okay.

Then the roof fell in.  Not literally, but that would actually have been better.  I can not say what happened, but it blew me away.  I am off Facebook again… this time I think it will be a long time before I go back.

I am physically ill about it.  My hands are still shaking.  I have not eaten, and have no energy for it.  My world just got a lot smaller.

It is so hard to try to be social when you are an agoraphobe… Social Media was a God-send.  Was…  Now I feel more alone than I ever have been.  And I do not know what to do…  I can not trust anyone anymore.

This will have a great negative affect on my Blogs as well.  The great majority of visitors were FB “friends”.  So this too may fade away now.

I don’t know.

How My Meds Have Made My Agoraphobia Worse…

Yup… that’s right.  My meds have made my agoraphobia worse, while making my life better.  And actually, my meds have made my agoraphobia worse because of how they have helped my life be better.

Before I started on any meds, I was able to go out more, and more easily.  I did not go out to socialize more… but I could go out.  I always had high anxieties – I just didn’t know it.  So going out was not much worse than staying home.

Now, my life is better.  My anxiety is much better, and usually easy to manage.  That is if I am home, and there are no real stresses.  But going out causes a LOT of anxiety.  It’s still not as much anxiety as I used to have when I went out before though.

The problem is the difference between staying home and going out has increased pronouncedly.  Before meds, it was not a lot worse than being anywhere.  But now going out makes things a lot worse.  There is more incentive to stay home.  It’s harder to get out at all.

Of course, I like it this way a lot better… and that may be why I am fine with staying home more.  It is harder to deal with the increase in anxiety now.

I’m not sure where all this will lead me, but I know it will continue to improve.  I just have to be aware of the catches.

Where I Am on My Meds

Fortunately I have been able to adjust my Lexapro so that is is helping more.  Wednesday I was able to start on my new program, and I felt better yesterday.  And today I have feeling even better.  It is easier to control my anxiety!

This has been a long process – I have been working on changing my meds for over a month now.  It has been quite the challenge at times.  I have wanted to quit more than once.  But I have made it thru so far at least.

There will still be some changes or additions.  So there is a ways more to go.  But I am feeling much better than I was last week, and even better than earlier this week.

So things are looking up.

I Saw it Coming

I knew when I stood up for a friend, things would get messy.  I have lost several friends on Facebook – most of them were totally predictable.  Cliques have that affect.

My Blog on Cliques   (you may have to scroll down)

I have been called all sorts of names before being unfriended… I expected that too.  It is part of the pattern.  In a clique, if one person “feels” insulted, it radiates to everyone, and they all act in unison.  Their leader is very powerful.  The others will act to protect that person.

Every aspect of my live has been called into question… my teaching, coaching, mentoring… it turns out I was not so good at any of it.  And I have been accused of trashing, bashing, and otherwise attacking a “great” person (as I have pointed out many times over the last couple of years, this person has done some fantastic work with charities).  Though no-one seems to able to point out what I said that was so terrible.

BUT!  I have received even more thanks.  And from unexpected people too!!  Both people who knew about the situation, and some who didn’t, have tried to be supportive of myself, and the original victim.  So I feel good about that.

I struggled with this last evening, but after a nap, I was fine again.  Of course the countdown of my FB Friends may continue… but that is part and parcel of the process of standing up against cliques.  It’s all good.

People in cliques always deny it.  They always say it’s not a clique…  The key is to look at how that group dynamic works.  Especially important is how people enter, and leave the group.  There is more on my other Blog (link above), and I think I have more to say about them as well.

Happy unfriending all!

What are “Friends”?

A situation has come up in my life today that has got me angry.  A few months ago I was unfriended on Facebook by someone I had spent time trying to help in a time of deep crisis.  But I made the mistake of giving some advice about a year after that… unfriended.

That’s okay.  But today I found out that same person threw away her “best” friend, and someone I like and admire, for an even smaller misstep.  And then she had all her friends unfriend this person as well.  Nice…

So I posted that anyone who unfriended MY friend because of this, should unfriend me as well.  2 people have unfriended me so far.  One of them said I am a “horrible human being”, and “Thank God” I am no longer a teacher.  Nice.  I have NEVER bashed the person who started all this on Facebook, or anywhere really – or anyone else for that matter.  I have even made comments about great things she has accomplished.

“Thank god you’re not a teacher any longer!!! Shame on you for bashing former students on your FB page! You’re a terrible human being” is the full post.  I have done no “bashing” of anyone.  I have not been a teacher for 13 years.  Why am I not allowed to have my own feelings and thoughts about former students?  Is that somehow not allowed??

Here is what I had posted: “A NOTCE to my "Friends"… if you have unfriended (name removed) in the last year and a half because of T.B., then you should unfriend me too! This is NOT right!!!”

Where is the “bashing”?

This has been surprisingly NOT upsetting.  It has made me a little angry about how people for Cliques, and try to hurt those they see as an enemy of the clique.